


An Unbearable Fact

by Ducklingxkitten



Category: the GazettE
Genre: Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, Angst, Character Death, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Rape/Non-con Elements, Suicide Attempt, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-12
Updated: 2017-11-16
Packaged: 2018-07-23 15:31:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 123,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7469082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ducklingxkitten/pseuds/Ducklingxkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When you lose the only person who loves you from the deepest of their heart, can you go on living? Do you manage to smile again? Can you fight against those demons who break you?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue + Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This one is an old fic of mine and has a special place in my heart :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This prologue is inspired by the lyrics of Bathroom!

Voices. He recognizes his father and mother's voices. Both adults seem to speak quietly, so the little kid closes his eyes and snuggles a little more under his blankets which are keeping him warm in this autumn night. He falls asleep slowly, but the voices change suddenly. One of them gets angry, yells, while the other one softer, begs, again, again, and cries, again and again. Scared, the little boy hides under his covers, putting them over his head, and shuts his eyes tight, while covering his ears with his hands. Despite this, he can still hear the screams and tears of the two voices while small tears start to run down his face. His father's voice is shouting at his mother, louder and with harsh words as time passes by. The kid doesn't understand the meaning of these words, but they're hurting him horribly.

Then nothing.

Everything is silent. Neither cries nor tears. So, slowly, the boy stands up, leaves his reassuring room and goes in the dark corridor. He is afraid, he has never liked to be in the dark. A thin ray of light escapes from under the door of the bathroom, and he follows this reassuring light. Then, with his little hands, he pushes the dark wooden door. Daddy is here, mommy too. None of them is moving. Mom is lying on the slightly moist floor, head bowed as if she was sleeping, and her face is showing no feelings. The child is looking at her, without saying any word, even forgetting to blink and why he came into the bathroom. At this moment, he only has one desire: to sleep, falling asleep with the fear of waking up the next morning. He wants to forget, but what? He doesn't know yet. The boy calls his mother lying, and the silence he receives as an answer is making him crazy.

_Why is mama not answering? Why is she staying on the cold floor?_

He's shouting while taking his mother's thin shoulders between his little hands. He's shouting to wake his mom, to make her react. But mommy is still not moving. Truth is quite obvious to him, it scares him, but he doesn't want to admit it, not yet, and he lets his heart drown itself deep into this painful truth. The child holds back his tears because daddy always told him that crying was for girls, that he wasn't born to cry. He hears his father's voice, but it seems so far that it means nothing to him. At this moment, the little boy hates himself to an unimaginable point. He had never hated someone that much. Because he can't do a single thing for her, her who gave him life. He'd like her to stay with him so much, without ever leaving him. Then, he notices that she contrasts enormously with the red staining the white floor. The boy's face closes itself to all emotions, and slowly he puts his hands on his mother's still warm cheek, smiling slightly. Tears are running down his face until they become nothing more than one on his mother's face. His eyelids close letting out other small drops, while he would only like to stay by her side.

_Don't leave me..._

~~~~

_Nine years later._

The sun was rising slowly, staining the sky as dark as ink with lighter parts. Inside houses, everybody began to get up, even in this street. A neighbour was kissing his wife before spending his whole day sitting behind his broad desk, a young girl was getting ready for school, while a baby was waking up in tears because he was hungry. Everyone was waking up, except in this house. In his bedroom, a teenager hadn't slept at all during the night. He had been afraid to close his eyes and see that everything was starting again. He was lying on his bed, his gaze fixed on the outside, and his blankets were hiding him to the neck. He had remained like that, without thinking, waiting for the daybreak. After several long minutes, the young boy heard footsteps coming closer to his room, and his body began immediately to shiver. The door opened silently, allowing the father of the child to walk inside. The latter pretended to sleep when the adult came closer and closer to his bed, until he was sitting on the edge. The father stroked his son's raven hair scattered with white extensions before whispering in his ear.

"Get up. You'll be late for school otherwise." 

A kiss on his cheek and he left the room. The boy waited a few moments before slowly getting up, then taking some clothes made up with a black pullover, pants just as black, and underwears, he went to the bathroom without forgetting to lock the door behing him. He didn't like this room, it reminded him too many bad memories. He undressed quickly while avoiding the reflection of his skinny body and then slipped under the shower and let the water flow. Soon after, he dressed just as quickly as he had taken his clothes off before. The teenager noticed that the only pants which was still at his size, had become now too big for him. He had lost weight, again... The young boy rushed to dry his hair and put on his face a slight make-up, wanting to try to look beautiful despite his thinness... one last time. He then went to the kitchen where he found his father who was reading the newspaper, a cup of coffee in his hand. The raven boy hurriedly made himself a cup of tea and then sat in front of his father. Neither of them dared to say a word and the only sound that could be heard in the kitchen was the creasing of the pages. 

After a short time, his father threw a quick look at his watch, then stood up and went to his son once again who had closed his eyes when he saw him come near him. The man kissed the top of his head and whispered to him a "See you tonight" before leaving their house. The boy did the same a few minutes later. His bag on his shoulder, he walked head bowed all the way to his high school. When he arrived there, he went immediately to his classroom waiting patiently for his first lesson to start. He was the only one in the classroom, the other students were probably outside in the yard, with friends. Him, he had no friends. He had no need to have some. He had no longer need to have friends. 

Midday arrived with a merciless slowness. He had only been waiting for this single thing: the lunch break. Taking his bag, he hurriedly left the classroom under the worried gazes of some of his classmates, and then went to the toilets. He hid in one of the cubicle and slid to the floor. There, he let his tears he had kept for hours running down his cheeks. He was tired. It was too much for him to bear all of this without being able to say anything to anyone. The boy slipped his hand in the pocket of his pants and pulled out a metallic object he had taken from the bathroom. He made it at first slide between his fingers before cutting deeply his two wrists. He was keeping on shedding tears while his blood was staining his clothes but also the ground. Today everything was going to be over, he had decided it. He wouldn't suffer any longer, nor cry. His nightmare was about to end. Here and right now. The young man was cold, horribly cold whereas the darkness was embracing him gradually. However, he couldn't hear the scream of dread of the person who had just entered into the room. 

* * *

Lying on an uncomfortable bed, his gaze were wistfully admiring the rain crashing against the window. It was the rain which had awakened him for almost ten minutes now, while he only wanted to sleep. Sleep and never wake up. But everyone had forbidden him and the bandages he had seen on his wrists when he'd woken up proved him once again that sleeping forever was forbidden. She'd had the right though... _Mama..._ It had been now nine years that this tragedy had occured in his now broken family. And he still remembered every detail of this deadly evening. Her body lying in a red puddle, his screams and his tears, his mother's pale face, his trembling hands, his fear of tomorrow. And every day without her had become a little more difficult for him. The teenager knew the truth about what had happened in this bathroom, but everybody persisted to tell him another version. He knew what he had seen, he hadn't made up anything, he hadn't lied! So why nobody wanted to believe him? He missed his mother so much! Yesterday he'd gone to her grave and once again, tears had been shed. And now that he was awake, he was afraid. Afraid because of all these things too heavy for his fragile shoulders. But he couldn't tell anything. He had forbidden him to talk to anyone. And if the teenager did so, he was told that it was the shock which was making him say such things. That what he had seen wasn't possible. And yet... He was fed up nobody was trusting him. Fed up to fall asleep feeling sick with fear. Fed up of all of this. And once again he was held back. The young boy had already made several suicide attempts, but he'd woken up every time. He had hoped so much that this time would be the good one, that he wouldn't wake up! Tears of rage and despair ran down his cheeks while he was thinking about these nine years. If he didn't put an end to this now, his ordeal would continue. Again and again. And he didn't want to go home. She wasn't there so why would he go back in a place supposed to be welcoming but definitely wasn't anymore? 

Sitting up weakly, he wrapped his too skinny legs with his arms and laid his head on his knees while keeping on crying. He had to find a solution and quickly! Find one before the nurses come to see him. He'd begun to be well-known in this hospital... Throwing himself out of the window would be useless he had had enough time to notice that his room wasn't placed high in the building. Second floor. At this height, he wouldn't kill himself. What could he do then?! After he got up, the boy started to pace while biting his fingers. And the more he was trying to find a solution, the more fear was invading him. He guessed that if he didn't do something, they would send him back home. And his nightmare would then continue. A scream crossed his lips, and he screamed, again and again, to the point of breaking his voice. He screamed while he was violently banging his head against the wall. Once. Twice. Again. Again. He felt a trickle of blood running down his forehead but he didn't care. He didn't want to go home. He didn't want to wake up. His shouts quickly warned the nursing staff and when they came in his bedroom, they saw blood everywhere. On the floor. On the wall. On the teenager's clothes. On his skin. The young boy struggled as much as he could when he felt the nurses and doctors make him forcefully lie on his bed, and he was still screaming when his tears mixed with his blood. Then, he felt a light pain in his arm. A pain which made him fall into unconsciousness. 

* * *

_"Mama! Mama! Look I'm at the top!"_

_"Don't fidget too much baby or you might fall!"_

_"Look at me mama!"_

_"Yes, now slide."_

_Following his mother's sweet order, the little boy let himself slide down the playground slide, a smile on his lips. He loved to go on the slide, but what he loved even more was to come to the park with just his mother. Only the two of them. When he arrived at the end, he ran to meet his mother but stumbled and fell to the ground a few feet away from her. Like the good mother she was, she rushed to her son and saw that there weren't too much injuries._

_"Are you hurt angel?"_

_"Yes..." He replied with tears in his eyes._

_"Show me your hands. Oh you just have some scratches. We'll treat them at home. For now, a kiss will do!"_

_"Mama... Do we have to go back home now?" He asked, disappointed._

_"No sweetie. Only when you'll want it."_

_"Dad will get angry..."_

_"Don't worry about that, go back and play."_

_Without further delay, the little boy went back to the playground. Yes, his father was going to be angry when they'll go back home. The day before, his father had forbidden him to go to the park because he hadn't been a good boy, he'd told him. The little boy didn't understand why. He was always good with both his parents, even if his father was often scolding him. The very evening, in his bed, he could hear again his parents arguing but this time, there weren't just cries. The little boy guessed easily that his father was beating his mother when he was confined in his bed by fear and couldn't go help her._

* * *

He awoke with a start, gripping firmly the bed sheets in which he was lying. It was just a nightmare. Once again. Calming his breathing, he felt a violent headache and he noticed that bandages were wrapping his head. When would he be finally able to close his eyes forever?! What should he do for them to let him go? The teenager sat with troubles, his tears threatening to escape his eyelids at any time, and realized he was no longer in his hospital room. The decor was too cold, empty. A stack of white paint and grey blankets. The boy jumped again when the bedroom door opened, giving way to a nurse all dressed in white and whose hair were lifted up in a bun, giving her a strict look, but the smile she gave him when she saw him awake was everything but strict.

"Oh you're awake! How do you feel?" She asked him in a soft voice.

"Where... Where am I?"

"You're in one of Tokyo's psychiatric hospital."

"What?!"

"Your father is the director of a hospital in Mie, isn't he?"

"What's the link?"

"It's your father who decided on your transfer here. He did this for your own good."

"No... It's not true! He never did anything for my own good! Both before and after her death!"

"When you were transferred here, your father was really worrying about you," She continued in a calm tone. "He didn't take his eyes off you until we put you in this bedroom."

"Stop lying to me! All that interests him is... is..."

"Is?"

"I can't tell you..."

"You can't because there's nothing to say. It's only in your head."

"That's not true!"

"Don't worry, you're here to heal."

"I don't need to heal, I'm fine!"

"They're all saying that... Well, get up. I'll take you to your room you're going to share with other patients."

Swallowing a sob, he obediently followed the nurse who led him through a maze of corridors. After a minute, she made him enter in another room. It was small and had two bunk beds and a simple bed. At the back of the room was a window on which a young boy with short light-brown hair was sitting. The little boy was watching the rain fall in large drops, a smile on his lips and joy in his eyes. He looked so happy that the teenager had no idea of the disease that was gnawing him. The nurse who had accompanied him so far came closer to the little brown-haired, worriedly, then sat in front of him. The oldest of the two teenagers didn't pay attention to the conversation and walked closer to the bed near the door. On this one was laid a suitcase he recognized as his own. Touching it barely with his fingertips, he opened it softly and his eyes became tinged with horror and fear when he saw his clothes. Some of them reminded him too many bad memories. Even here, in this hospital, he wouldn't let him in peace. The raven pressed his hand against his mouth and tried somehow to hold back his tears. However, a little pearl ran down his cheek he hastened to wipe before the nurse could notice it. Besides, she came to him and told him calmly that he could put away his things in the little cupboard near his bed, and reassured him about his wounds, telling him he would quickly heal and that in a short time he would be able to take off his bandages. After her words, she left the room leaving the two boys alone. The raven didn't dare to turn over and face the brown boy and feel his gaze scrutinize his body. He then began to put his clothes in the cupboard, with trembling hands.

"What's your name?" The little boy asked, tearing his gaze away from the weeping willow.

"Yuu. Shiroyama Yuu," He replied in almost a whisper. "And... and yours?"

"My name is Takanori! Because of what are you here?"

"It's obvious, isn't it?!"

"Anorexia, but I'd say there's still something else... I didn't want to annoy you..."

"...Depression..." He confessed after several minutes of silence.

"Ah... Like me."

Yuu didn't say anything else, he didn't want to talk to him. He just wanted to be left alone. After he had finished to put away his clothes, he lied down on his bed, pressing his back against the wall, and wrapped his legs with his arms. His gaze remained fixed into space, eyes wide open being once again afraid to close them, while he was listening to Takanori who had begun to sing. The little boy was still at the window and was again focused on the weeping willow. His singing was for Yuu both soothing and painful. He could feel through the melody all the pain that Takanori was feeling, but also his own. And while playing nervously with the fabric of his pants much too big, he cried silently. He was shedding countless tears without his roommate noticed it. Long minutes passed by during which he hadn't calmed down and after a moment, he felt the matress slightly subside at his sides and a little hand stroke his hair.

"Is it me who's making you cry?" He asked, his voice a little trembling.

"It's nothing..."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No!" Yuu replied abruptly while retightening his arms around his legs. "Don't touch me please!"

"You don't trust me, do you?"

"…"

"We were all like you at first, you know," Takanori tried to reassure him. "None of us is mad. We're only sick... Only sick... Do you want me to tell you about the others?"

"...Yes... please."

Yes, he wanted to know how the other people with whom he was going to share this bedroom were like. He wanted to know whether he should be afraid of them or not, he wanted to know the sickness that was gnawing at them all, if they were able to hurt him, to do like him. He didn't want that everything starts again. Yuu stood up straight, sitting back against the wall and his legs against his chest, moving a little away from Takanori. The latter sat cross-legged and seeing that the other boy was staring into space again, began to speak.

"With you, we'll be five here. There, above my bed, it's Akira's one," He told him, showing the bunk bed near the window. "He's like you, he's also anorexic. He will surely help you."

"How could he help me?"

"You'll see! Then, over there in the bed below it's Yutaka's. Him, he is sadistic with paranoid tendencies but you'll see when he's not in one of his fits, he's very nice!" He hurried to add trying to reassure him a little. "And in the top bed, it's Kouyou."

After these words, Takanori stood slowly up and went back to sit at the window. Yuu found the same boy he saw at his arrival in this bedroom. A boy captivated by the weeping willow which was making his eyes shine with a thousand stars. A boy who looked happy. Who just seemed to.

"I think he's the most affected," Takanori said after a while. "It had taken him a long time to tell us from what he was suffering. He had confessed to us after one of his fits, and I hope you'll never have the opportunity to attend to one of them. Kouyou has a borderline personality disorder. If you find he seems a little too joyful or too sad, it's normal. He has always been like that."

Then everything was silent again. Takanori had nothing more to say about his roomates to Yuu. As for the raven, he didn't want to talk. He was only wondering why his father had decided to lock him up. For him, it was simply impossible. His father would never have done it of his own free will. As if it was really the case, all the time he would spend here, his father wouldn't be able to... He should no longer think about it, he should no longer torture his mind. He was far away from all of this and here, he wouldn't probably undergo all he underwent before. It was reassuring him a little to think such a thing. Even if he was afraid to be here among all these patients, at least he'd be safe. When he stopped thinking about all these things, he noticed he wasn't feeling his headache anymore. He had enough of this bandage around his head, he had only one desire: to remove it. And it's what he did. While he put the gauze on the floor, he said to himself that he would probably be reprimanded by the nurse from a while ago. And while he shook his head slightly in order to move back his hair, he thought that his injury wasn't that bad. He had bled a lot, yes, but the wound wasn't really deep. He hadn't noticed any blood stain on the gauze. At least, he could hide his scar under his bangs.

After some minutes, the bedroom's door opened leaving three boys enter the room. One was blond, the second had hair which color reminded him of caramel, and the third was brown too.

"Taka go away from that window! If the nurses see you..."

"I'm fine Akira," The little brown interrupted him. "I assure you I'm fine."

"Hm let's say I believe you. Oh you're new?" The said Akira asked when he saw Yuu.

"Yes..."

"And what's your name?"

"It's Yuu." Takanori answered for him.

"Do you have a nickname or something like that?" The other brown-haired boy wanted to know.

"Why?"

"Simple curiosity."

"A... Aoi."

"It's cute! Who gave it to you?" Akira asked with a smile.

"My... My mother..." He replied, feeling tears in his eyes.

"And... How did you do that to your head?"

"I... I..."

"Don't you see you're annoying him with your questions?!" The chestnut-haired boy who was on his bed said angrily.

"Sorry... We didn't want to."

"Okay, well you already know Takanori. I'm Akira, him it's Yutaka and the killjoy over there is Kouyou. Uh, what's wrong?" He asked kindly seeing little tears running down Yuu's cheeks.

This question made him fall apart. He had hoped nobody would see him cry, but he was unable to hold back his tears. Wanting to know who had given him his nickname wasn't a question to ask, but he had felt forced to answer. Yuu took the pillow near him and held it against him. He hid his face against it and continued to shed painful tears, while rocking himself back and forth. The other boys said no words. Takanori was still in his contemplation of the tree while Kouyou was reading. Only Akira and Yutaka seemed to worry about the tears their new roommate was shedding. Was it their fault? Did they ask a question that they shouldn't have asked? The two boys felt guilty seeing Yuu's body shiver. It was Akira who reacted first. The blond walked slowly to Yuu's bed and kneeling down beside him he stroked his back trying to not scare him, while he whispered to the raven that he was sorry. Feeling a presence near him, Yuu stopped his rockings and managed to calm down after several minutes. He remained another long minutes with his face hidden in his pillow before daring to lift his head. However, he didn't dare to look upon the other boys, showing them all the sadness his eyes were reflecting.

"Can... Can I Yuu?" He asked him, opening his arms for him.

Yuu simply nodded before snuggling in Akira's arms. He was feeling that there was nothing bad in him, he could then give him his trust. Even if Takanori had informed him about the blonde's disease, he had all the same noticed his anorexia. He even seemed a little "bigger" than Yuu. The raven wondered what had happened to him so that he sinks into this disease. To tell the truth, he'd asked himself the question about all the four boys in this room. Yuu knew perfectly why he became anorexic and depressive. But if he talked to someone, nobody believed him. That's why he decided that if one of the boy would asked him the question, he wouldn't answer. What's the point if everybody calls you a liar?

"Aki, I think he has fallen asleep." Yutaka said as he sat on his own bed.

He was right. Yuu had fallen asleep against the blond-haired, his fingers squeezing slightly the older boy's sweat-shirt. The latter sat more comfortably on the bed while making sure to not wake him and while he tightened a little more one of his arms around Yuu's waist, he stroked his dark hair. Yuu reminded him of himself at his arrival in this hospital. He was almost 21 on his admission here, and Takanori and Yutaka were already present in this room. As Yuu, he had cried as soon as he sat on the matress. Being here had finally opened his eyes on the fact he was killing himself. His weight had become very alarming and after having left the hospital, he was directly transferred to the psychiatric hospital. Now, all he wanted was to heal. The young man also wondered what had pushed Yuu to fall into anorexia. Was it the same reason as him ? Maybe. He couldn't confirm it.

Yuu moved in his sleep and snuggled a little more against Akira. For the first time in years, his sleep wasn't disturbed by any nightmare nor dream. And that was doing a world of good. He was feeling safe like that, in this soothing sleep in which he forgot some parts of his past. He couldn't say how long he had been sleeping, an hour, maybe more, but he heard someone calling softly his name while gently stroking his cheek after a while. This gesture reminded him his late mother. She would wake him up too like this when he was a little boy and by reflex, the teenager put his hands in the back of the person against whom he had fallen asleep, and nestled his face in the crook of his neck. But a slight jolt forced him to wake up. Noticing he had his face only a few inches away from Akira's his cheeks turned pink, making the other boy laugh.

"Stand up little dormouse, we have to go dinner." He said to the raven before getting up and holding out his hands to him.

Yuu stood up from the bed with Akira's help and noticed that they were only both of them and the chestnut-haired boy in the bedroom. If he had memorized his name correctly, he was Kouyou and seemed older than him. Kouyou was still reading on his bed, lying on his back, and feeling somewhat observed he turned his head from his book and met Yuu's dark orbs. What Yuu could see in those eyes came down to one small word: nothing. He could only see emptiness with an ounce of pain. Was his gaze always like that? And why wasn't he coming with them to have dinner?

Akira got him out of his thoughts dragging him in the corridors. Yuu followed him silently, trying at the same time to memorize the way and he took the time to better observed the place.

"Why... Why isn't he coming with us?" Yuu asked hesitantly.

"Kouyou? He's already going to come, after reading that chapter." The blond answered with a smile on his lips his roommate couldn't see.

"Hm. And... I guess we're forced... to go at each meal?"

"Yes. Why?"

"I'm not hungry."

"So let me give you an advice," He said looking at the raven. "Eat. Even if the desire is not there, even if it's just a mouthful because if they see you're not touching your plate, especially us, you're going to spend painful minutes. It's up to you if you want to follow my advice or not. The first few days are going to be hard, I can assure you that. Without wishing to scare you of course."

He guessed very well that it would be difficult for him, especially during mealtimes. As if it wasn't enough already that he was hardly eating anything at home, but if now he was going to be forced... Yuu preferred not to think about it, feeling that little ball of fear in the stomach gnawing him bit by bit. The two boys went down the stairs then at the end of the corridor, walked inside the dining room. Akira took Yuu with him to the back of the room, telling him it was out of the question he sits alone at a table especially during the evening meal. There, they met Yutaka and Takanori sitting face to face. The blond man sat beside Yutaka and as for Yuu, he preferred to sit at the end of the table, in order to have a view of his roommates.

"So Yuu, I'm going to explain you why I have forbidden you to sit alone at a table."

"Akira the big brother: the return!" Kai exclaimed joyfully.

"You did the same thing when I arrived, remember? And him at least he will listen to me! Not like Kouyou... Anyway! So, dinner is the only meal during which we have the right to sit with other patients who don't have the same... disease than us. During lunch, we're organized by categories, that means you'll be sitting at the same table as me, with others anorexics. And if I didn't want you to sit alone, it's because they force us somehow to integrate ourselves with other people. Supposedly because another sick person can help us. Well, you know how doctors and nurses are. You've understood everything?"

"Hm."

"I told you Yutaka, he he listens to me!"

"Kouyou's coming." Takanori, who hadn't spoke until now, said.

The chestnut-haired sat down at their table without being concerned about the nurses' gazes. It wasn't good for him if he was paying attention to those gazes. He did his best to ignore them and sat at the other end of the table, in front of Yuu. The raven didn't dare to look at him. To tell the truth, he was a little afraid of him, even if he was telling himself he had no reason to be. None of his roommates seemed to want to hurt him, at least for the moment. He then kept his head bowed and his gaze fixed on his clenched fists on his thighs. The dishes were quickly distributed and everybody around him had started to eat, speaking in a low voice at some times. He didn't want to eat, and couldn't apply the advice Akira had given him. He didn't succeed. He had tried several times to take a mouthful of rice, but his throat blocked itself each time he approached the food from his lips.

"Yuu eat something before... Too late." Yutaka said to him.

"Yuu you must eat." A doctor ordered him.

"I... I'm not... hungry..."

"I won't move until you have eaten what I'll judge enough. Now eat."

Yuu took reluctantly a small piece of meat he immediately put in his mouth. He chewed for a longue time with some difficulties and then swallowed. The doctor beside him encouraged the raven to continue while Akira was looking at him with sorrow. He too had known this the first night. He knew exactly what Yuu could feel at this moment. But unfortunately, he could do nothing so that the doctor would stop his torture. After some minutes which had seemed endless, the adult finally left him in peace and went back to a corner of the room in order to watch over for the good progress of the dinner.

"Yuu... Are you okay?" Akira dared to ask.

"I... I think I... I'm going to vomit..."

And after his words, the teenager stood up and hurried to leave the dinning room. He ran as much as his body could bear it, and pushing a door, he found himself outside, behind the building. Yuu leaned with one hand against the wall and spat everything he had been forced to swallow. It was hurting him, burning him, making his tears flow which had too much ran down his skin. And he cried, again and again during long minutes, under the rain which had still not stopped. Because he was ashamed, ashamed of being so weak, both physically and mentally. And he was mad at him for having made him a being so weak.

"It's not really discreet to do that here. They watch the garden." A voice exclaimed softly, a voice he didn't recognized immediately.

"It's not what you think..." Yuu weakly replied.

"I know you didn't make yourself vomit, I'm not stupid! Akira has vomited too the first night... He told me. It's normal you feel sick. They force you and your stomach isn't accustomed to receive so much, so it rejects all."

"What... are you doing here?" He asked, daring to look at the other boy.

"I came to get you. Right, can we go back inside? I don't want to get sick because of the rain. Come."

The chestnut-haired man took him by his wrist, making him moan in pain, and forced him to go back inside. Yuu didn't say a word as they were walking, choosing to look at the ground rather than to say anything at all. On the way, they met some nurses who glanced at them inquiring looks. Kouyou then quickened the pace of his footsteps and the two boys were quickly back in their bedroom, empty. The tallest boy showed him a tiny bathroom behind a door and taking his pajamas Yuu rushed into the small room. It wasn't a lot. A sink and a little white piece of furniture which was containing towels and flannels. Nothing more. Yuu put his clothes on the furniture and then undressed. He noticed all his limbs were trembling for an unknown reason. The teenager put on his pajamas, then on top of it his pullover before rinsing his mouth and dry a minimum his rain-soaked hair. When he went back in the bedroom, the other boys were back. Embarrassed he didn't look at them and hurried to slip between the sheets, pulling the cover up to his mouth.

"Yuu," Akira, who had sat beside the raven, called him softly. "You'll have to go the infirmary tomorrow morning, for a medical examination. I'll come with you... Sorry for what happened earlier..."

"It's not your fault."

The blond contented himself with these few words and went back on his own bed where he resumed his conversation with Yutaka. Takanori, him, seemed already asleep. As for Kouyou, he was reading again, but was looking out of the corner of his eye Yuu at some times. The raven kept his eyes opened, listening unintentionally to snatches of the conversation between the two teenagers. Whereas the minutes passed, tiredness took hold of the boy and he fell asleep, exhausted by this highly charged day.


	2. Chapter 2

_"Mama why are you crying?"_

_"Mommy's fine sweetheart, don't worry."_

_"And why are you bleeding there?"_

_"It's nothing."_

_"Mama... Why are our bags at the entrance? Are we going on holidays?"_

_"We're going to spend some days with your uncle. As soon as mommy has finished writing this note to daddy."_

_"He isn't coming with us?"_

_"No angel... Daddy stays at home..."_

_"Don't cry mama it's all right if he can't come with us. We will go on holidays with daddy another time!"_

_Kneeling, the mother took her son tenderly in her arms and couldn't help but let out a few more tears. Her son was still too young to understand what was going on between the two adults. If she had prepared some bags containing some of their clothes, it was in a first place to take the boy away from all of these shouts and tears, and then for herself. She wanted to get away from there for some days in order to think calmly about the situation. Except that nothing happened as she had expected. Her husband came back home earlier that day and when he saw the bags, he understood what his wife had intended to do. After multiple words had been exchanged, a quarrel had begun between both parents. The boy hadn't dared to move while their voices had become louder and louder with each passing seconds, or even when his father had beaten his mother with violent blows. He'd then understood that neither he or his mother would go on holidays._

_* * *_

Yuu woke up with a jolt, his face wet with sweat and tears. Once again he'd had a nightmare. Even in his sleep he couldn't be relaxed. He was tired of these nightmares, tired to have to see again behind his eyelids painful pictures from his past, from his childhood. Tired to hear shouts and a voice crying. It was as if the little boy he had been reminded him in every of his nightmares the reason of all his suicide attempts. However the little boy didn't knew that in fact, a more painful reason than just screams urged him to commit these attempts. 

Yuu sat up while trying to calm his breathing and the shudders of his body, then removed his sweater he had worn over his pyjamas the day before, before taking his pillow and held it against himself. It was now for him impossible to sleep. The fear of making another nightmare was far too present in him, and he was used to finishing his nights sitting on his bed, eyes opened and waiting the ringing of his alarm clock or his father's coming in his bedroom. He suppressed a long shudder with difficulty at the memory of his father. The young man had to try to not think about him, he was far away from everything and safe. Getting up from his bed he went to the window and sat there keeping his pillow in his arms. There, he gazed at the pale moon which seemed to smile at him in a quite mocking way. It often happened that when he was little, he would be watching the moon with his mother when he could hear her leaving his bedroom and going to the garden. Both then were sitting in the grass and looking at this silver ball for several minutes without saying a word, until Yuu would fall asleep in his mother's arms. A few tears ran down his cheeks while he didn't leave his gaze from the moon, but some noises next to him made him quickly wipe his cheeks. The young man noticed then that Takanori's sleep was also restless. Little sounds were escaping from his mouth as he was moving more and more in his blankets. He too seemed to be trapped in a nightmare but Yuu ignored the younger boy and gazed again at the full moon. To tell the truth, fear and lack of confidence in himself and in his roommates left him pinned down. It had been really easy to trust Akira, but much less for the others. He was a little afraid of them even if he shouldn't. It's just that he couldn't understand them well, but for that he still had many other days to get to know them. 

Several hours went by during which Yuu had changed his contemplation choosing the weeping willow. He hadn't seen this tree yet and now he could understand Takanori's fascination better. Its branches were a real call to rest. Yuu could see himself very well sitting against this trunk hidden behind those multiple green arms away from prying eyes. If going out in the garden was allowed, he would be happy to lean against the tree without anyone to disturb him. Staying under these branches and getting rid of his sorrow and his pain without anybody would suspect anything. A sigh and the noise of fingers being cracked made him jump, but Yuu didn't dare to turn his head and see the author of all of this. 

"Good morning Yuu! You're already up?" Yutaka said with a big smile on his lips. 

"I couldn't sleep." 

"You had a nightmare, right?" 

"How... do you know?" He asked without actually giving him a single look. 

"I heard you. You were crying and calling your mom in your sleep." 

"Did... did I say something else?" Yuu's voice was shaking. 

"No. I'm going to wake the others." 

Was he telling the truth? Had he really not say anything else? The boys of this room shouldn't learn the reason of his presence here, the reason of his disease. He wanted to keep this secret at all costs if no one trusted him. Yuu bit nervously his fingers feeling his throat tighten and held more against his chest his pillow with the other hand. He had to try to calm down before the others notice his condition, calm his breathing which had begun to be too fast, calm the too visible shaking of his hands. Getting up from the window, Yuu put his pillow back on the bed then took some underwear in the wardrobe and went in the tiny bathroom. He washed himself quickly then put the clothes he had worn the day before, tightening his belt to the maximum. Even the last notch in the belt didn't allow him to keep his trousers on his hips. When he came out of the room, he saw that Akira was waiting for him in the doorway. It was then that he remembered he had to go to the infirmary. 

"The nurse is just going to weigh you and ask you some questions," The blond said to Yuu as they were walking in the corridors. "Well she did this to me so I guess it's going to be the same for the other anorexics." 

"What... kind of questions did she ask you?" 

"Why I fell into anorexia, if I wanted to heal, if I wanted to gain weight again,... The usual questions." 

"And... did you reply?" 

"With some troubles. There it is, I'll wait there." 

Akira gave him a small smile as a sign of support then leaned against the wall, arms crossed on his torso. Yuu turned to face the door then knocked lightly. When he heard a "come in" shortly after, the teenager pushed shyly the door. The nurse, a woman in her forties, her hair tied into a ponytail which was making her look like ten years older, was plunged into papers and hadn't noticed that Yuu had moved forward to her desk. He preferred to wait until she gives him a little attention rather than disturbing her who was into something which seemed to be important. The raven-haired boy waited a few more minutes before she finally deigns looking up at him. And when he met her look he thought he wasn't going to like this woman. 

"Hello Yuu," She said to him with a rather unsettling smile. "How are you?" 

"... Fine..." 

"Take off your clothes and go on the scale. You will then tell me your weight." 

"Why don't you just come and see yourself?" 

"So that you realise the gravity of the situation. And don't worry I perfectly know that you won't lie." 

With still the same smile she turned back again into her papers, waiting for Yuu to tell her his weight. The boy went to the scale then watching it from the corner of his eyes, he began to remove his clothes one by one, shivering when he ended in his underwear and while avoiding taking a look at his skinny legs, he went on the scale. The boy waited a few seconds - his eyes staring at the dark dial and a small ball of anxiety in the throat - that these numbers would finally display. When his weight appeared he couldn't help being torn between disappointment and joy. Yuu was glad of those numbers but for him it was still too much, far too much. He still had to lose weight in order to stay in this hospital, in order to never go back home. It was pretty naive to think that... Because he knew that one day or another he would go back home. Whether or not he's lost weight. 

"So?" She asked while watching him. 

"40.1 kg" 

"Good, you can put your clothes back on. Since how long have you been anorexic?" She asked him when Yuu was dressed again and sat in a chair in front of her desk. 

"Since I was fifteen." 

"And I guess that like everyone else here you want to heal. Am I right?" 

"No." He answered with a strange self-confidence in his voice. 

"No? Even if it's against your will you're going to heal. You're all here to heal! Why don't you want it?" 

"It's my business." 

"Ok, in that case I'll see you next week to see if there has been any changes. You can go." 

Getting up, he did his best to avoid the smile she gave him then quickly left the infirmary. This woman was convinced of his recovery, he was going to prove her the opposite. He had never wanted to get through anorexia, why would he want it now? He maybe had no reasons to heal but he had a lot of reasons to die. And from where did he got all this self-confidence to answer her in such a way? He had thought he would never been able to leave this room so much his legs were shaking. Seeing his shivers and his pale complexion, Akira made sure Yuu was fine and getting a positive answer both boys went to the canteen to have breakfast. They sat at a table in the middle of the room, already occupied by other teenagers just like them. Seeing Yutaka and Takanori each at a different table, the blond gave them a nod and had as an answer a little smile from Yutaka. Yuu, while taking a bowl of cereals, noticed the little brown's condition. His face was marked by tiredness, his eyes were slightly swollen and he could see a few times his body shaking. Takanori was crying, trying to be as discreet as possible. And then someone of their bedroom was missing. Kouyou was nowhere in the canteen and Yuu could no longer remember if he had seen him or not when he left their bedroom earlier this morning. 

"Yuu, tell me you're going to eat this morning," Akira said noting that the raven haired hadn't touched his bowl yet. "Please I don't want to see the same scene as yesterday." 

"Huh? Oh... Yes I will. It's just that... Why is Takanori crying?" 

"He is like that every morning, but don't worry it will pass in a few minutes." 

"Does it always pass?" He asked, swallowing a spoon of cereals. 

"No not always... And when it happens it can be really violent. For him of course..." 

"Oh... I see. And... Kouyou... Where is he?" 

"You're so talkative this morning," Akira replied with a smile. "If I remember correctly his psychologist had to come this morning. So I guess that since he isn't there he must be with her." 

So that was it, he was just with his psychologist. Did that mean that Yuu's psychologist would come in this hospital to see him too? In that case she was wasting her time. Just as she was wasting her time when he was coming to see her in Mie. What she managed to get from the young man were only tears, shudders and sometimes even shouts. When he arrived at her office and sat in an armchair in front of her, it was always the same thing. She always asked him the same question and he stayed silent for a good ten minutes, only looking at the ground. And when he was saying something it was just to say that he was missing his mother. On rare moments he told her about his nightmares but never about their reasons. He had never spoken to her about his few insomnias, about the reason of his suicide attempts, or why his body couldn't stop shivering when someone was speaking about this or that subject or any particular person. And when he was leaving the room he was more devastated than at his arrival. His psychologist had also noticed that his mental state was deteriorating with every new appointment. She had then spoken with the boy's father about it for a long moment but nothing changed anything at all. Yuu always came into her office more depressed and frail. So if she would come here she shouldn't expect any changes. 

Swallowing his third and last spoonful Yuu looked again at Takanori with his dark eyes. The young boy was still crying and seemed inconsolable which was hurting the raven boy. He knew that too well. Being alone without anyone to dry his tears, to soothe him, without anyone to chase his fears. Then, taking unwillingly his eyes of the young boy he left the canteen with Akira who had once again reassured him that Takanori would get better. Yuu however couldn't help but throw him a last glance before definitively leaving the room and go back in their bedroom. In front of his bed he pulled the covers giving it an appearance of a bed almost correctly done, then sat on it and hugged his legs with his arms, yawning discreetly. The raven haired sincerely hoped that tonight his nightmares would leave him in peace, but it was useless and he knew it. All he wanted at that moment was to spend a night without nightmares, without screams, without tears. Just one night without a dream to rest. His thoughts were broken when Yutaka who had just arrived asked him if everything was fine and he hastened to whisper a little "yes" before laying his head on his knees. Once again he began to think about the little brown-haired when he realized he still wasn't in the bedroom. But, was he going to come back? Maybe was he going to hide somewhere and calm his pain as Yuu did when he was still at home. At this thought he quickly shook his head making the other two boys look at him with curiosity. It's not because he did that kind of thing whenever he could, in private, that Takanori would do the same. No one was like him, no one was living what he was living for nine years now. A groan of pain made him abruptly come back to reality and he could see the chestnut-haired man standing in the centre of the room, his fists clenched making his fingers becoming white, his cheeks slightly damp and he was biting his lip fiercely. 

"What are you staring at?!" 

"Kouyou calm down," The blond ordered. "It's okay, calm down." 

"I can't Akira!" 

"Of course you can. Look, I don't know what happened with your psychologist but you have to calm down. Please." 

"Get out... All of you!" He yelled making them jump. 

Without understanding what had just happened, Yuu followed Yutaka and Akira outside the bedroom. Takanori had told him that he was violent and indeed, the other boy seemed to be ready to hit someone. And the simple fact that he'd raised his voice that much made him shiver. Since his parents' first quarrel he couldn't stand when someone was yelling. Even if it wasn't against him, he was just scared and all of this was reviving terrible memories. Feeling that his legs wouldn't support him any longer he stopped and slid against the nearest wall. Pictures were flotting before his eyes, in his head without ever stopping. Even if he closed hard his eyelids he could see them again and again. Then there were laughters, awful mocking laughters. He would have wanted to shout to the person to stop laughing, but if he did he knew this person would continue until he couldn't stand it anymore. And no matter how he put his hands on his ears, the laughs were still there. Hearing them did to him a lot of pain and small tears managed to make their way through his eyes and flow down his cheeks. 

"It's over Yuu, everything is alright," Akira said taking gently his hands in his own. "Is it because Kouyou shouted?" 

"Was it that easy to guess?" 

"Let's say that he made the same effect on Takanori one day. Don't worry he will already calm down. Well, get up before they see you in this state." He added helping him to get back on his feet. 

"Does it happen often to him?" 

"His latest fit was three day ago," Yutaka informed his new roommate. "But that one was nothing compared to today." 

This last sentence wasn't really reassuring him. Did it mean that he had already done worse? Yuu didn't want to think about that and preferred looking at the rain through the window, as the day before. If Kouyou would ever have another fit he would try to not be in the same place as him. Who knows what might happen, he might perhaps lash out at him and nobody would be there to stop the young man. And why was he thinking about those things? It was also quite possible that Kouyou wouldn't do anything to people around him. But this possibility of seeing him one day lash out at him scared Yuu and reminded him horrible things.

"Do you want to come with us in the common room?" Yutaka asked.

"What is it?"

"It's a room where you can do other things than staying locked in your bedroom or being outside in the garden. But of course, we are always under the observation of our beloved nurses we love more than anything!" Akira said sarcastically.

"I... I need to get some fresh air."

"If you ever want to join us, or if Kouyou chases you again, it's the glass door on the ground floor."

The three boys went down the stairs together then on the ground floor they separated. While Akira and Yutaka went into the common room, Yuu walked to the door which was leading to the garden. Opening it slowly he stayed under the pergola then let himself slide to the ground and sat cross-legged. A light breeze came play with his ebony and white strands of hair making him gently shiver. He really liked this season, autumn. The smell of the rain, the wind blowing and carrying further the leaves which have become red or yellow, the sound of the rain falling. He remembered then an autumn day. He must have been seven years and his mother and himself were both gone to do some shopping. That day it had rained a lot and large puddles were created for the greatest happiness of little Yuu. On the way back he had been jumping in every puddle wetting his pants a little more at each jump. His mother had never scolded him when he was doing this, moreover she had scolded him only one time. Because of a stupid headache. In the morning Yuu's mom had been in pain and her son had been for one of the few times really noisy. She couldn't bear the slightest noise and when she gave in, she had yelled at her son while shaking him by his shoulders. She had stopped screaming when she'd seen her child's tears and taking him in her arms, she had spent long moments calming him down and apologizing for having behaved that way. Since that day she hadn't raised her voice against him. Only his father continued to do it. 

A noise on his left made him turn his head in that direction and he then saw a little body he hadn't noticed at his arrival here, which reminded him strangely Takanori. The teenager with ebony hair stood up slowly and walked calmly to the body before kneeling beside him. He shyly put a hand on his back which made the other boy jump and raised his face full of tears which Yuu tenderly stroked to calm him down a bit. But Takanori continued to sob, his body continued to shake and his grief didn't calm down at all. And Yuu didn't know what to do. He had never had to face such a situation. And while Takanori's tears were becoming more and more painful, an idea came to his mind. Just as his mother did with him when she was still alive, he took tenderly the young boy in his arms putting an arm around his waist while his other hand rested on his cheek, and rocked him calmly. Takanori's reaction was immediate. He grabbed with all his might the raven haired's sweater and shed tears against his chest for long and interminable minutes. He just had to evacuate all the pain he had within him and he was doing it every morning. Except this morning his pain had been too heavy to calm down after a short time as the previous mornings. 

And since Takanori woke up, he did nothing but cry while avoiding to show it to the nurses. While he'd escaped from their gazes, he had taken refuge here without expecting that someone would come, even less it would be Yuu. Yesterday the boy had rejected any physical contact with him and today he was taking him in his arms. He didn't understand this sudden change in behaviour from the older boy but he still let himself go in his thin arms. It was so... comforting for him. Since he was in this hospital no one had hugged him so much. Not even Akira who reassured him many times before. Maybe was it because they were suffering from the same illness? Because he shared his pain? Several minutes went by during which the boy's tears were soothed, when Yuu decided it was time for them to go back inside. He was silently hoping that Kouyou had calmed down since then, and that they could finally return to their bedroom. Taking Takanori's hand they went back upstairs and went without a noise inside the room. Kouyou was still there, lying on his back in his bed and was staring at the ceiling. Yuu could however notice streak of tears on his temple. Without saying a word he took Takanori with him on his bed and held him once again in his arms. 

"Kouyou... you're ok?" Yuu dared to ask. 

"Don't ask me questions... And everything will be fine for the three of us..." 

He slowly turned over against the wall and played a few moments with his blankets before hitting the wall with his fist. He did nothing more and remained motionless pretending to the two teenagers that he had fallen asleep. As for Yuu, he was keeping his eyes on the other man's back while tangling his fingers in Takanori's hair and noticed quickly that this gesture was soothing him. Two little hours went like this without any of the three of them speak, two little hours during which Yuu hadn't thought about none of his problems. He had rocked Takanori, had calmed him down, had wiped his tears which had run down his face silently, had hugged him and had whispered soothing words. All of this had had the gift to calm Yuu when his mother did this to him so why wouldn't they have the same effect on Takanori? Now that the little brown boy had calmed down, he stayed all the same against Yuu, playing absently with one of his white extensions. Meanwhile Kouyou had stood up straight and had observed them without saying a word, only smiling mysteriously. He had then met the young anorexic's dark eyes and both kept their eyes fixed on one another without ever blinking. Takanori watched them with fear knowing perfectly that the chestnut-haired man could go wild at any minute even because of a simple look, but the smile he had on his lips revealed that everything was fine. At least that was what he hoped. This game between these two lasted several minutes until Yuu looked away, blushing, making Kouyou laugh a little while Akira and Yutaka came back into the bedroom. The blond man was happy to see that Kouyou had calmed down and that he seemed to feel a little better. He then gave him a warm smile his friend hastened to give him back. 

* * *

Lunch time happened in an eerie silence for the nurses who were watching the canteen. They were too used to one or two young people having a fit during the meal, but everything was quiet which made them be extremely tensed. Something could still go wrong during that meal. For the nurses this stillness didn't look too good, yet for one of the few times there was no serious incident. All patient were eating their meal, making themselves eat more or less for some of them, and sometimes they raised their eyes in order to look at those around them. Yuu was now motionless before his plate for nearly ten minutes. Just as during the breakfast, he had swallowed almost nothing but no nurse came to force him to eat more. Moreover he had something else to do like looking at Kouyou from the corner of his eye who was sitting at a table, alone. Yuu couldn't stare at him for a long time at the risk of being watched by the nurses with disapproving eyes. Daring a last look towards the chestnut-haired man who was finishing his plate with boredom, he spoke to the blond man in front of him. 

"Why is Kouyou alone at a table?"

"They're isolating him because of his violent temper. But to say the truth they fear more for the other patients than for himself." Akira said in a low voice.

"But... Did he already harm somebody? I mean during meals."

"Never. He had sometimes lost his temper but he'd never lashed out physically at one of us."

"Isolate him won't help him."

"I know but what can you do? They think they are doing it for our well-being."

Later in the afternoon Yuu agreed to go to the common room with Akira and Takanori. He wanted to do something else, take his mind off instead of staying on his bed and keeping bringing up his past and crying. He just wanted to do something to forget a little, get away and not think about his past. The room was neither too big nor too small and was a bit more colourful than the rest of the hospital. Round tables were arranged here and there, a small bookcase was at the bottom of the room as well as an old - and it seemed broken - white piano. Sitting at one of the tables Yuu saw that Takanori had headed for the piano and some moments later he began to play a melody a bit melancholic, just enough not to warn the nurses. As for Akira, he came back from the bookcase with a big book in his hand then sitting on his chair he noticed that Yuu was looking everywhere around him, embarrassed. He asked him then if he wanted something to do and the teenager answered him that a rubber, a pencil and paper would do the trick. The blond boy fetched him what he'd asked for and when he came back, he could notice that the raven haired had a real talent for drawing. In a short time he had drawn on his first sheet of paper the garden of the hospital with its weeping willow, its few benches and the rain falling. And immediately this drawing was finished he was already beginning to darken another piece of paper. Akira looked at him without saying a word even forgetting his book, then when the teenager was over he stood there astounded.

"It's really good! Miss Yukiko could you come here please?"

"Is there a problem Akira?" The nurse he called asked him.

"Oh no! Look," He told showing her the portrait Yuu had done.

"Well I must say that it really is alike, even my mole at the corner of the eye. Who made that?"

"It's... it's me." Yuu replied shyly.

"You must have watched me a lot for it to be so accurate."

"I... I've barely watched you."

"Really?"

"Yes... I just have a good visual memory..."

"You draw very well Yuu." She said with a smile.

And while ignoring her smile more by embarrassment, he started drawing again. He was drawing again and again until dinner time, but before, he went quickly back to their bedroom and put all these sheets of paper on his bed. In the bedroom he found Kouyou who, once again, was smiling at him with the same smile he had when he had been watching him on his bed, with Takanori in his arms. Yuu did everything to try to ignore his gaze, feeling himself blush again, then he returned to the canteen where the other boys were waiting for him. The chestnut haired came a few moments later after him and while he sat in front of Yuu he resumed his observation which perturbed more and more the teenager. When the plates were left in front of them, they began to eat in silence and between the two boys began a game that could end badly. Yuu wanted to have answers and for that he also began to look at the man in front of him straight in the eye, as earlier. He wanted to know why since this morning he was watching him with insistence, he wanted to know why he was smiling with this embarrassing smile. Everything was going well, Kouyou's eyes sparkled with mischief, Yuu's dark eyes were trying to finally find their answers. But of course, the stillness that was at this table didn't last forever. Kouyou suddenly frowned and clenched his fists, his eyes becoming darker.

"Stop..."

"Kouyou calm down," Akira said to him when he noticed his behaviour.

"Stop it right now..."

"Kouyou..."

"Stop looking at me!" He yelled while standing up and banging his fist on the table. "Stop it!"

"Calm down Kouyou." A nurse who came nearer said softly.

"But he has to stop!" He continued with his shaking voice.

"He won't do anything to you, you don't have to be afraid. He won't do anything to you and neither do you."

After a rather tensed moment, Kouyou sat back on his chair and closed his eyes bowing his head while gently squeezing his fists on his thighs. Yuu felt guilty about Kouyou's slight fit. If he hadn't look as much at him he wouldn't have been angry. After this scene, the few appetite he had, vanished. However he forced himself to swallow several mouthfuls seeing the nurse's heavy look she gave him for some minutes. And now he was feeling bad and as the day before the urge to vomit was there again. Seeing him so pale, Takanori placed first of all a hand on his own wanting to make sure he was okay, but noticing that his pallor didn't pass, he took him by his hand and they went back immediately to their bedroom. Yuu walked right away to the bathroom and threw up several times in the sink. Takanori shyly knocked on the door and asked him if he was alright and getting no answer he sat on his bed and tapped nervously his foot on the floor waiting for Yuu to go out. The raven haired boy took hardly his breath back while he rinsed the sink, then after he brushed his teeth he noticed he had left his pyjamas on the piece of furniture. He put it on and went slightly out of the bathroom at the same time as the others came into the bedroom. Takanori immediately rushed toward Yuu and the oldest boy put hesitantly his arms around the little boy's waist while whispering that he was fine. After giving him a slim smile he took refuge under his blankets. Takanori stayed beside him, gently stroking his hair until he fell asleep an hour later.

The young man would have preferred to never fall asleep, but everything inside him was so exhausted that he couldn't say no to Morpheus. But he had been once again a victim of his nightmares. In his sleep he saw his mother's body lying on the white tiles, the blood that was flowing from her wound, his father behind him who was gently talking to him, the tears on his face. Another night where he had been forced to see his mother dying. Another night where these pictures were torturing him. Another night where he woke up with a jump in his bed. Soon his tears were rolling down his cheeks and his body was shaking. It hurt him to have to see again all of this, to live this again. Yuu restrained himself from yelling, knowing that if he did he would wake up his roommates and he would alert the nurses. Instead he bit violently his lower lip while closing his eyes and he heard then footsteps coming closer to him and someone sit in front of him and gently take him in his arms.

"Let me go..." He begged, scared.

"It's me Yuu, it's Kouyou. You don't have to be scared."

"Leave me alone..."

"Calm down. You just had a nightmare," The man told him while stroking his neck in order to soothe him. "It's going to be alright."

"What's going on?" A sleepy voice asked.

"It's nothing Yutaka, you can go back to sleep. Yuu just had a nightmare."

Without waiting any longer Yutaka laid his head back on the pillow and fell asleep again. As for the chestnut-haired man he hugged the young anorexic more against him, whispering words to calm his tears. Long minutes went by before that any sob in the room could be no longer heard. Kouyou made him lay down with gentleness then whispered to him that he could sleep without fear. He was about to go back on his bed when Yuu held him back by the arm.

"Stay with me... please... I... I'm afraid in the dark... alone..." He whispered with a shaking voice while feeling himself blush again.

Kouyou smiled at the request and then slipped under the covers. The bed wasn't meant for two people so Kouyou held him against him wrapping an arm around his waist and his other hand went in Yuu's ebony hair. He stroked his strands patiently until Yuu fell asleep and closed his eyes too some minutes later. That night Yuu didn't end his night sitting on the window watching the moon or the weeping willow. He didn't end his night thinking about his mother or about his life before his arrival in this hospital. That night he spent the rest of the night asleep in a reassuring embrace with no nightmare to disturb him.


	3. Chapter 3

_"Look he's all red!"_

_"And did you see how he is sweating? It's disgusting!"_

_"He is last, again. With all the fat he has, no wonder!"_

_The little boy ended his lap with difficulty and it's hardly breathing and with a painful stitch in the right side that he stopped among his classmates who were roaring with laughters while pointing at him._

* * *

That morning, Akira didn't wake up with the same energy and lust for life than the previous mornings. That morning after an adult had knocked at their door in order to wake them up, he didn't go take Takanori in his arms and calm his tears which were threatening to flow. He didn't give to the other persons of the room his warm "Hello" and didn't give them the right to see his smile. That morning, the young man stayed in his bed, nice and warm under his blankets and pretended to sleep, just waiting for time to pass. Alerted by the lack of reaction from his friend, the youngest resident of the room walked to the headboard of the blond's bed, stroked gently his golden hair and asked him shyly if he wasn't sick. The latter replied with a slightly offensive tone that he was indeed sick, but they were all sick here after all, without exception. And without another word he turned in his bed then began to nervously tear small pieces of the slightly faded tapestry. This answer had only stirred a little more Takanori's concern, concern which wasn't needed since Akira was always behaving like this on the day of his medical check-up. The young man would quickly find again his good mood, he just needed time to suppress all these memories that were overwhelming him as soon as he had to go on the scale.

Few short minutes passed during which this knot in the stomach didn't stop to torture him from the inside, until he finally decided to stand up and go to the bathroom. Coming out from it after a while, he noticed that one person was still deeply asleep, and seeing him dozed off, lying on the side with his legs drawn up against his chest and hugging his pillow, got a tender smile out of him. The day before, he had seen Kouyou slip under the raven's blankets and had heard him reassure him until the teenager tortured by his nightmares falls asleep. Akira also wanted someone by his side who would reassure him, except that he wanted to be strong in other people's eyes, because before, in front of them, he was the little Akira weak and barely ten years old, the little Akira who let people walk all over him, who let people hit him and insult him. Now, he wanted to change. Shut away the little Akira in the darkest depths of a huge closet and throw away the key, and for that he had to go through healing even though it would be hard, just as today. He would hear again their teasing voices, their laughs and he would see them pointing at him throughout the day. Akira walked silently to the bed of his friend and sat down.

"Get up Yuu." He said while shaking him slightly.

"Let me sleep..."

"Get up you lazy." Akira smiled faintly.

"Five more minutes Dad. I'll get up... I promise..."

"Yuu you're in the hospital. Do you remember?"

At these words the teenager immediately opened his eyes and saw that in front of him was only standing the blond man. A slight wave of panic seized him when he realized he had mentioned his father. What if he had said something more? Would he react as he did at home? And then, what was he doing alone in his bed? Yet he remembered that the day before he had begged Kouyou to stay with him for the night. He remembered very well his arms around his body, his caresses in his hair as well as his reassuring and sweet words. So why was Kouyou sitting on his own bed, looking at him? But maybe Kouyou had only waited that he falls asleep to go back peacefully in his bed? It was a conceivable possibility, after all, who would want to take care of a suicidal anorexic like him? The only person who was kind enough to take care of the teenager was his mother. But now, who would do it in her place? No one. Yuu jumped slightly when he felt two fingers move under his chin to make him lift his head he had lowered without even realizing it. Facing him, Akira gave him a gentle smile then said that he had to hurry to get dressed and leave the bedroom if he didn't want the nurses to ask him questions, and most importantly they were the only ones still in the room. The others were already gone to the canteen.

In the corridor, the atmosphere between the two boys was oppressive and horribly silent. Neither of the two dared to speak to the other, too focused on their thoughts. When they walked past the infirmary, Akira stopped and stared for long moments the panel on which was written the two nurses' names. He really didn't want to go inside, but he wanted to heal and even if the next following few minutes weren't going to be particularly pleasant, he would try to forget this dread that was eating him away. Yuu took a few more steps before noticing that the blond wasn't following him anymore. He retraced then his steps and in front of Akira he gently put his shaking hand on his arm.

"Is everything all right Akira?"

"Yes... Go to the canteen I... I'll meet you later."

"Okay."

And without waiting one more second, Yuu docilely went to the canteen where he sat at a table with other young anorexics. As for Akira, he stayed motionless in front of the infirmary, fists clenched along his body. From the moment he would cross the door, he would have to ignore the painful memories that would slip inside his mind. Ignore his former classmates who were going to laugh at him one more time, insult him and stare at him as if he were a circus freak. He would have to only focus on the scale and his weight it would display, on his desire to heal. Breathing out, the blond knocked on the door and went inside the infirmary as soon as he got the permission. As usual, he had to answer to the nurse's questions who had once again decided to tie her hair in a badly made ponytail. She asked him if he was eating because he wanted to and not because he was told to eat, if he was feeling well at the moment, if he was still hearing them sometimes. On this last question, Akira lied. If he had to talk about it with someone it wouldn't be with her. For that, he would patiently wait for the end of the week in order to speak with his psychologist. The nurse then said that he could undress and go on the scale. Slowly removing his sweater, he couldn't hold back an unpleasant shiver going down his spine when he felt his fingers brush past his prominent ribs.

_"You're so fat Suzuki!" A boy in his class had one day told him while pushing him in the playground._

Wanting to remove these images from his head, Akira strongly closed his eyes while lightly scratching the skin of his stomach. Then after a few seconds, he put his hands on his hips and made his pants slide down his legs way too thin.

_"You're just a big pile of fat!"_

He walked up to the scale and put one foot on it.

_"They're all laughing at me in school..."_

Then the other.

_"They're hitting me..."_

Akira stood straight on the scale, not moving, not breathing.

_"Insulting me..."_

Waiting for his weight to display.

_"Just because I like to eat..."_

"41,2kg"

_"Just because I'm fat..."_

"All right, you can dress again. This is really good Akira, you've gained weight since last week. Of course you haven't gained a lot but it's a few grams at least. You're on the right track Akira." She said with a smile painted on her lips.

"Can I go?"

"Of course. See you next week."

Without waiting any longer, Akira left the infirmary and quietly went to the canteen with trembling hands. At the table reserved for the anorexics Akira sat in front of Yuu who was dreamily stirring his spoon into his bowl of cereals. The blond man smiled weakly to the younger and then took his spoon in his hand and started to eat too, but he found it incredibly difficult to swallow a single mouthful. It was as if something was obstructing his throat and preventing him from swallowing anything. Akira sighed catching Yuu's attention on him, then took his head in his hands. It had been a very long time since it happened to him. The urge to vomit while his stomach was empty, thinking that a single mouthful would make him gain several kilos, seeing teasing smiles on beaming faces,... He tried to ignore all of this and forced himself to swallow a spoonful of cereal. He had to heal, he _wanted _to. Everything was fine, the knot in his throat had loosened, his hunger was slowly expressing itself and a little smile was on his lips. But a single insignificant thing ruined all of this. While he was about to put the spoon in his mouth, a drop of milk fell on his hand he had put on one of his thighs, and when he took a look at his hand he saw them, his huge and full of fat thighs. His spoon fell on the floor with a thud which alerted the nursing staff and all the people around him. He didn't want it to start again. The teasing, laughs, insults. He didn't want to gain weight and thus become again the obese teenager he was a few years ago. Even if he wanted to heal, there always was this fear to let himself go, this fear to gain too much weight and thus see all his efforts being reduced to nothing__

"Akira... Is everything all right?" Yuu asked him with worry in his voice.

"I don't want it to start again..."

"W-What?"

"I don't want, you hear me? I don't want!"

"Akira calm down, everything's alright." A nurse who came closer to them reassured him.

"No!" The blond yelled while throwing his bowl to the ground.

And he screamed, again and again, letting out his fear and his anger through his shouts while putting his hands on his ears. He could hear them again, as if they were near him, behind him whispering in his ear. He could even see them there in front of him pointing at him with their eternal smile on their lips. He saw nothing around him except them, and while keeping his eyes on one of his ex-classmates Akira walked up to him, slowly, until he grabbed the other boy's throat with trembling hands. And he clutched, hardly, strongly, while shouting to him to stop. To stop laughing, to stop laughing at him, to stop insulting him. But even if he was strongly holding his throat between his hands, the other boy kept laughing with this hateful glint in his eyes. And despite that, Akira could feel his hands being scratched so that he would loosen his grip. He felt then two pairs of arms take him away from his victim as he was struggling like a madman to get rid of this hold. And through his tears of rage falling on the floor he could see his ex-classmate's silhouette disappear, gradually giving way to a terrified Yuu who was catching his breath with difficulty, while he was led outside the canteen. Akira didn't resist, still shocked of what he'd just done. He had never lashed out at someone during one of his fits, let alone to someone weaker than him, both physically and psychologically. What would happen then with Yuu? He had probably scared him... And to say he was there only for two days. Would he dare to be in the same room as the blond after that incident?

The two nurses took him to a room. It was a small bedroom with a single bed and nothing more, not even a window. It was an isolation room. Since his arrival in this hospital, Akira has been in isolation a very few time, but each time he came in this room was painful, no matter if the isolation was long or short. Deeply in his thoughts, Akira walked slowly to the bed with grey blankets, without hearing one of the adults telling him that he would stay here a few days in order to calm down, then lay down and didn't wait any longer to vent his anger by crying. Why did he lost control of himself and attacked Yuu? He should have controlled himself, ignored them. He should have remained sit on this chair and finish his breakfast like every morning. None of this would have happened otherwise. Akira tightly held the blanket between his fingers while biting his lower lip until he could taste blood on his tongue, in order to silence his sobs and to not alert whoever would walk in front of the room. Once again he had hurt someone. First his mother and his father by being in this hospital and his lack of communication, and then Yuu. He was going to put everything right again, it was his promise. As soon as he would get out of this room he would apologize to Yuu for his behaviour against him, that even if he was relapsing Akira should have never behaved that way. Akira only hoped that the young boy wouldn't avoid him, that he wouldn't be that traumatized by this fit. To tell the truth the blond boy would be devastated. He had quickly become attached to this boy, because he was seeing himself in him, the same boy he was when he came to this hospital for the first time, because they were suffering from the same disease. To lash out at Yuu had been as if he had lash out at himself. And the hurt he felt was atrocious.

It was on these painful thoughts that he fell asleep, but his slumber wasn't filled with dreadful dreams, they only were made of voices he knew too well. The taunting and insulting voices of his classmates, his mother's a little too protective voice, and his father's harsh but all the same reassuring one. They were abusing him even in his sleep telling him all sort of things. Things that he would easily keep in mind and wouldn't stop echoing in his head like an old and striped record torturing him again and again until he wouldn't handle it anymore.

* * *

_"See you tonight Akira! Give your best today as well!"_

_"See you tonight mom."_

_The little boy walked toward the entrance of his school after having slammed the door of the car and waved a goodbye to his mother. Now that she had left him there he was scared again. Scared of going into this building, scared of attending classes, scared of having to spend the entire day with his classmates, scared of hearing the same insults day after day. And whatever he was telling himself he couldn't help being afraid, and while he was slightly shivering he crossed the school gates without paying any attention to the other pupils who were surrounding him. Slowly he went up the stairs to the second floor and then went inside the classroom, away from the prying eyes of the other children. A few minutes went by before all of them were there and for the boy, it was the beginning of a new nightmare._

_Three kids came closer to his table and without warning one of them slapped him, but Akira didn't dare to lay his eyes on them and did his first mistake: he did not move. He could feel them getting angry, the poor boy was so afraid! Getting tired of waiting for a reaction one of the kid took him by the collar, forcing Akira to look at them, and seeing his cheeks still a little red the three kids started to laugh soon followed by the rest of the classroom. Laughs, taunting, insults, all of these were hurting Akira but he did all his possible not to show a thing. He hadn't the slightest desire to cry in front of them and to hear them continue to say such words. He then closed his eyes and tried ignoring them. Ignore their laughs and insults, the punches on his shoulder in order to make him react, the paper balls thrown at him and sometimes even copybooks or still full ink cartridges. He couldn't tell how long all of this lasted, but this foretaste of his day stopped when the teacher came in the classroom and asked them to sit, ignoring Akira and the mess around him on purpose. The boy was used to all of this. All of the teachers closed their eyes on what was happening to him. It was something normal, something that happened every year after all. They were just kids. No need to make such a tragedy about it._

_During the break Akira went to the bathroom in the hope spending a quiet moment, in peace. Fifteen minutes without laughs, without insults, but most of all without their voices in his ears. Just calm before going back in class. But nothing happened like he'd wished. He should have known they would wait for him, the same three kids as before, that they would do it again. Akira didn't have time to take a step back that they were pushing him in a cabin. One of them forced him to kneel in front of the toilet bowl then held him in that position with the help of his foot on the young boy's back while another put his head down the toilet and flushed it from time to time. As for the third kid he was watching the comings and goings of the pupils in order to make sure no one would come here. Akira hoped that all of this would stop soon, that they would go and leave him in peace. He swallowed water at some times and it burnt his throat, made him suffocate. They didn't let him a lot of time to catch his breath back and took advantage of this time to struck him in the stomach. He was hurt, terribly hurt, but he somehow held himself back from crying. He didn't want to undergo further taunts and thus spend more time between their hands. After a while and a last punch in the face they let him and returned to the classroom leaving the boy curled up. If someone would be walking in front of the bathroom that person would be able to hear the boy's sobs._

* * *

_"Look he's almost done. Do you think he wants more?"_

_" Oh yes, he always wants more."_

_"He would even be able to gobble everything in the kitchen without leaving crumbs for others!"_

_It was too much for Akira. To have to hear the same words during every lunchtime had become unbearable for him. With disgust he pushed his plate aside, got up and ran away to the bathroom. There he went into a cabin and while kneeling in front of the toilet bowl and clenching his hand, he breathed with difficulties. Slowly, he put his fingers in his mouth and thrust them in his throat, deeper and deeper until he spat out his lunch. And he did it again, again and again shedding tears one more time. He stayed in this cabin for long minutes realizing what he had just done. It was the first time he was making himself vomit. And now that it was done he wasn't feeling any better. He was ashamed. Ashamed of having done such a thing. Ashamed of being arrived to this point all because of these non-stop insults. Akira stood up weakly and it's stumbling that he went to the nurse's office. He had no difficulties to make the nurse believe he was not feeling well. His pale complexion and the few shudders would have been enough to make him look sick after all. The nurse still warned the boy's mother after having taken his temperature. It was only when they went into the car that the mother talked._

_"What happened Akira?" She asked him with a worried voice._

_"Take me home mom... Please..."_

_"Do you want to talk about it as soon as we're home?"_

_"Yes..."_

_"Alright, let's go home."_

_He told everything to his parents without forgetting any detail, but avoid the fact he had made himself vomit. He had cried a lot in his mother's arms who had spent time to soothe him and reassure him during long hours. In the evening Akira refused to eat and walked immediately to his bedroom. He cried one more time in his bed covers before feeling tiredness take him far away from his problems. The next morning when his mother came to wake him up, she didn't tell him to hurry in order to not be late. That morning she told him he could stay in bed and that everything would be alright today. That day he didn't go to school, nor the days after. And since this lunchtime in the bathroom of his school, Akira was making himself regularly vomit without his parents knowing about it._

* * *

Sitting on the floor against his bed, Akira stared into space while being thoughtful. He was thinking about the long moments he'd spent in his mother's arms when she comforted him when he came out from school with tears on his cheeks. And he said to himself that never again he would give in because of a memory. In that way he would never hurt someone again. A scene like the one that happened with Yuu would never occur. He would never scared him again. He would not be awful with the people he loved. That morning when a nurse brought him his breakfast, he had refused to touch it saying that he wasn't hungry, but thinking again about all his memories and his goal to get better at all costs he made an effort and ate a little more than usual. He was taking back control over his life in order to not fall, getting better and leave this place. Akira laid his head on his knees and held his legs with his arms then stared at a stain on the white wall in front of him, and waited that time passes. It was the only thing he could do here. Wait. Several minutes passed like that, maybe even hours, before that the door of the bedroom opens and a nurse accompanied by a woman too well known by the young man came in. She was dressed in a suit, her dark brown hair were short and were framing her face beautifully and on her thin nose a pair of glasses were emphasizinng the blackness of her eyes. After addressing a few words to the nurse she sat down on the mattress, near the boy.

"How are you feeling today Akira?" She asked him with a smile.

"Better." 

"That's great. You know why I'm here, don't you?"

"Because I did it again."

"Yes. You saw them again and you lashed out at one of your roommates. I've been warned right after."

"Is he... is he alright?"

"Yes don't worry. I was told that he's been really scared but he's alright."

"I'm afraid..."

"Tell me."

"I'm afraid to leave this room, this hospital and that people start to lash out at me again. I'm afraid that once healed something happens to me that will make me relapse. I'm afraid to live all of this again..."

"But none of this will happen. You just have to forget."

"I know. I'm trying, really! But I can't... They always come to taunt me when I have to weigh myself," The blond man said while taking his head in his hands. "Always..."

"You'll be able to forget, I know you're strong. You will forget even though we can't forget everything."

He talked for more long moments with his psychologist and this did to him the greatest good even if at times he let his tears runs down his cheeks. He liked her and when she left he promised to himself that she will never have to come to see him for their sessions. He was going to achieve his objective and heal. Take back a somewhat normal life, outside of these walls among other people. Among normal people. Akira had always seen himself like someone abnormal. They had always told him that he wasn't a part of this normality they seemed to reflect. He who had always been different and to be different already was an error, a flaw that had to be eradicated. Outside he hoped he could be able to make new friends who will accept him as he is. Stay in touch with his roommates once healed even if he knew that it would be unlikely. They would not leave the hospital at the same time and therefore they would may lose sight of each other. But despite the fits of each boys, Akira felt that there was a strong bond between them like an invisible thread embracing them until they would suffocate. It was different with Yuu. With this boy he was still struggling to break this shell that was protecting the other anorexic teenager. Even if the blond was the person with whom Yuu had the most discussions he felt that it would still be hard to completely win his trust.

The next day as dawn was just beginning to show the tip of its nose, Akira heard the door of his bedroom slowly open and saw a little shadow sneak inside. Standing up straight he gestured him to come closer and the little boy immediately went to snuggle between the blond's arms finding again a semblance of reassurance he so desperately needed. After a long embrace Akira laid back on the bed keeping Takanori in his arms and pulled back the blanket over their bodies. The younger boy knew that he might be punished if someone finds out he was here, but he needed his reassuring hugs. He needed Akira when he wasn't feeling well. When he was about to cry Akira had to be near him. During a fit the Akira had to stay by his side. Compared to the blond's hugs Yuu's ones were just pale figures. Even if he had felt reassured in his arms he couldn't feel the same sensation that was doing to him so much good. Nobody else could make him feel as good as Akira.

"You came back," He said while stroking his brown hair. "I will eventually get you into trouble if you come see me each time I'm in isolation."

"Don't worry about that. I was careful, nobody saw me."

"I know. You're always careful when it comes to see me."

"When are you coming back?" Takanori asked, his voice broken by sobs threatening to cross his lips.

"Soon I think... Come on don't cry. It makes me sad to see you like that you know?"

"Sorry..."

Hugging him a little more against him Akira whispered reassuring words in his ear while rocking him. The little boy really had to calm his tears or he was going to alert the adults and it wouldn't be good for both of them. Takanori would be punished and Akira would have to spend more time in this room with the only occupation to count the number of stains on the ceiling. And he really didn't want that. What he wanted was to go back in his bedroom with the other boys and laugh with them again. Take care of Takanori every morning, calm Kouyou when he felt that he wasn't feeling good, have fun with Yutaka and manage to break that shell Yuu had adopted. One day he would do it, but he didn't want to force anything. Go slowly, little by little in order to not scare the young man. It's what he was going to do. Despite what had happened, Akira wanted to help him get better. He was like that since his arrival in the hospital, always wanting to help other to feel better, to play a big brother's role with everyone. He couldn't change that now and neither Yutaka nor Takanori nor Kouyou had ever complained. So he was not going to act differently with Yuu.

Takanori's tears finally calmed down after a long time during which he didn't let go of Akira's pyjama top. And now he was snuggling against his friend while the blond was erasing his tears on his cheeks with his thumbs. He was feeling so good in his arms feeling kisses on his forehead and caresses on his back that he could have fall asleep right now. In a few minutes he would have to leave his little cocoon of comfort and go back in his bedroom with the other boys while Akira would stay here alone. And once back in his bed instead of going back to sleep, he would silently cry again making as little noise as possible so as to not wake his sleeping roommates. Slightly getting away from the little boy Akira took his face between his hands and looked into his dark eyes.

"You should go now before we get caught." He said with a reassuring smile.

"Yeah.."

"Don't worry I'll be back soon!"

After a last kiss on his forehead Takanori got up and weakly walked towards the door. His hand on the doorknob he turned to Akira and tried to give him a smile before going out of the room without making a noise in the hallway. He walked around between these white walls paying a particular attention to the slightest noise and arrived without trouble in his bedroom. The boy sneaked quietly into it and quickly went to take refuge under his covers. While walking past Yutaka's bed he saw that he was awake and was looking at him in a way he knew too well, with a slight smile on his lips. Or was it only his imagination due to his tiredness that was playing tricks on him? He couldn't say it. And it's with this feeling that the day was going to go wrong that he closed his eyes, pretending to sleep.

As for Akira after Takanori had left, he had laid on his back with an arm under his head and had remained pensive. He was no longer sleepy, he might as well wait that the nurse comes to bring him his breakfast. But one thing had marked him, a thing he didn't like at all. Takanori's smile. The boy was rarely smiling and when he was, it was never a good sign. Akira could feel it. The young boy was going to do it again and he feared that this time would be the good one. And he sincerely hoped the other boys would look after him, that they would stop him. It always hurt him to learn that Takanori had been transported in another hospital because the injuries he did to himself were too important. Seeing him coming back also wasn't enjoyable. He seemed to feel even worse and was spending his days crying near the window or in his bed. Akira remembered having calmed him down for hours and hours when he came back and the little boy never had let go of him a single time. He constantly stayed by his side, watching over him in case of the desire to hurt himself came again. It was hard for him to see him in this state, horribly hard.

"Please... Let this day be a good one... For everyone..."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the moment 12 chapters are written :) And if you haven't already read this fic on my LJ, here some details: Kouyou is 24, Yuu 17, Akira 22, Yutaka 15 and Takanori 13.
> 
> For this chapter, the nursery rhyme is a french one. Sorry!
> 
> EDIT: Translation of the nursery rhyme  
> They go this way, way  
> The little puppets,  
> They go this way, way,  
> Three little twirls,  
> Then they go away.
> 
> Then they will dance,  
> The little puppets,   
> Then they will dance,  
> When the children will sleep.
> 
> It's not the whole nursery, for those curious here's the title "Ainsi font, font, font, les petites marionnettes"

_"Mom... Why are we here?"_

_"This will do, just you and me darling. Don't be afraid."_

_"It's all dark mom.... I want to get out!"_

_"Don't scream mommy is here. Mommy will always be here"_

_"I want to go back in my room and play... I don't like here.... Let me out!"_

_"Don't you want to stay with mommy?"_

_"No..."_

_"Don't you love your mommy anymore?"_

_"I do... I do love mommy. But I don't want to stay here..."_

_"You will stay with me darling. If you love mommy you have to stay."_

_"Okay..."_

_"You're a good boy. Mommy is proud of you."_

_The little boy was scared. His entire body was shaking. The only thing he wanted was to go back in his bedroom and play with the little cars his father gave him. He didn't know why his mother brought him here, in this dark and cold place. He hated the dark. It was scaring him and making him have nightmares at night. But if mommy was there, everything should be alright... Right? From that day the little boy was no longer only afraid of the dark._

* * *

It was still pitch-black when Yutaka woke up. The cold had managed to make its way to their bedroom, but the boy wasn't cold unlike two bodies wrapped in a thin blanket. And he stayed there, sat on his bed with his covers on his knees, looking at each sleeping boys. One of Takanori's arms was hanging off the bed and was swaying from time to time, giving Yutaka a mad desire to stop its swingings in a painful way. The little boy seemed to be trapped in a nightmare again and he was shaking in fear and cold which made Yutaka smile. But what widened the teenager's smile was what he saw in the bed in front of his. 

Yuu was tenderly snuggled against Kouyou, his head laid on his torso and his skeletal fingers were holding the pyjama top of the other man whose arms were protectively around his fragile body. This vision pleased him so much that he let a cold and frightening laugh escape from his mouth. He simply found them lovely. Especially Yuu. He loved that fragility that had left its marks to Yuu's core, but also the young boy's pain. He loved them so much he wanted to bring them at its peak. Other laughters left his mouth and he tried to be discreet in order to not wake up his roommates.

But in vain.

In front of him someone slowly stood up trying not to wake the person next to him, then carefully got out of bed loosening at the same time the fingers on his clothing. He took advantage of a few seconds to stroke the teenager's ebony hair before turning over and facing Yutaka who still had his sarcastic smile. Kouyou then walked to the other boy and without warning took violently his chin in one of his hands.

"Don't do anything today or you will regret it." He whispered in a threatening way, his voice full of anger.

Kouyou saw red. But the teenager wasn't angry at Yutaka, he was rather against what was harming him. The "puppet" as the brown-haired boy called it so often. And Kouyou had made a promise to Akira almost a year ago. He could therefore definitely not get angry at Yutaka. Not even allow himself to hurt him. He'd made him the promise to take care of them when he wouldn't be there due to one of his fits, to take care of Yutaka and Takanori and now of Yuu as well. Play the role of a big brother until he would come back. He had to protect them from their fears, calm their shivers, wipe their tears. He'd made him this promise and Kouyou always kept his promises.

After letting go of him and sent a last look to Yuu still asleep, he climbed the little ladder leading to his bed and wrapped himself in the blankets, his head turned to the young anorexic boy. Now he couldn't fall asleep. The puppet had pulled him out of his dreams thus removing any trace of sleep in him, and he feared now that it would hurt someone. Including Yutaka. But it did nothing else but stay sat in the middle of the bed and sang with a dark and dull voice which never had the slightest effect on Kouyou.

_"Ainsi font, font, font_

_Les petites marionnettes,_

_Ainsi font, font, font_

_Trois petits tours et puis s'en vont."_

Yutaka didn't know this nursery rhyme, he didn't know what a nursery rhyme was by the way. He only remembered that the puppet had one day, at the very beginning, whispered those lyrics and since then this nursery rhyme was following him everywhere and it amused itself singing it every time the puppet had the opportunity to show itself. Yutaka didn't like it. It was scaring him. Just like this dark and dusty attic. The boy always had the impression that the puppet was taking a perverse pleasure in making him remember what had happened in the attic. And he didn't like it. He already had shouted several times to stop singing, but it never stayed quiet. And it continued over and over again until the puppet was tired of this little being squirming in pain under its voice like a gross worm being cut in half. Then it went away for a moment, leaving Yutaka all alone in a scary and deplorable state. In his moments of clarity the young boy often asked himself why all of this had happened to him and not to another little boy. He also said to himself that it would have been better if he never was born. He wouldn't have had to suffer all of this and the puppet would have never come into being. Yes, that would have been better.

But also painful. His mother had often said to him that she had always wanted a cute and smiling little boy. And it's because his mother told him this that Yutaka was smiling on every opportunity when he was a kid. He loved his mother so much that he always had done everything to make her happy. He always had obeyed to her and under any circumstances. But sometimes Yutaka didn't understand why his mother was hurting him so much. Even today he didn't understand why she'd brought him to that attic, why she'd hurt his little body when she was always saying that she loves her little boy. And even if he asked the puppet it never gave him any answer.

_"Puis elles danseront_

_Les petites marionnettes,_

_Puis elles danseront_

_Quand les enfants dormiront."_

The puppet was a monster, a bogeyman who was hiding in the darkness and coming slowly and noiselessly into his bedroom. He was then stealthily walking to little Yutaka's bed knowing perfectly well that he hadn't managed to fall asleep, removed the blanket with a slowness that was making the little boy shiver, and hurt him while taking great care that the child makes no noise, like every time it was coming into this room. And they were hurting that poor little boy, the puppet and the bogeyman who were just one entity. They were hurting him until the moment little Yutaka was too tired to beg for them to stop. They then left the room as quietly as they came in and left the boy lying on his bed, curled up on himself and crying his eyes out. Yutaka continued to sing until Takanori and Yuu wake up, which made him smile devilishly when he saw the teenager was still half asleep.

The teenager with white extensions gently rubbed his eyes and noticed that once again he was alone in his bed. The day before, when the lights turned off, indicating the curfew, Yuu hadn't been able to fall asleep, too afraid of a possible nightmare that could prevent him from enjoying the little time of sleep he could get. He had then spent an hour, maybe two, looking at a stain on the ground until he heard the crumpling sound of the covers from the bed in front of his. He then saw Kouyou slowly leave his bed and come closer to him, then sit on the edge of the bed before hesitantly stroking his dark hair. Yuu didn't move, but kept staring into space without trying to reject the other boy. However he stepped back after a few minutes until he could feel the wall against his back. Kouyou took this as an invitation and slid almost immediately under the covers, putting his arms around his roommate's skeletal body. Yuu had been finally able to fall asleep a few moments after feeling gently touches on his back and in his hair.

He wondered what he had done wrong so that Kouyou didn't want to stay with him all night long. Why would he go back in his own bed and leave him alone? The teenager had to face the facts. Despite his little attentions during nights when everyone was asleep, he didn't want to take care of someone like him. He didn't want to reassure him. It has been a long time since someone did it so why today? And why him? It was hurting him to realize that once again he was alone. As alone as when he was a child when she was gone.

Putting on his face his mask made of pain, he locked himself in the small bathroom and realized the same gestures day after day, even there, then went towards the canteen as soon as he got dressed. However, he didn't want to sit at this table among the other anorexics, but he forced himself to do it. Because Akira would have taken him by his arm and made him sit with them. He would have talked to him, told him to eat a little more because he didn't want to see a nurse force him to swallow more food. He had to admit he was missing the blond man.

Three days had passed since his fit during breakfast time. Yuu had cried a lot after he went back to his bedroom. He had stayed the entire day curled up on his bed crying all the tears he could still shed. Because that moment had reminded him bad memories, because it was hurting him to have to remember all those things. One or two nurses had come at some moments of the day to make sure of Yuu's state. They had spent long minutes trying to calm him as best as possible and carefully watched by a certain chestnut-haired young man. Kouyou hadn't waited a single second when the light had switched off to leave his bed and go into Yuu's one who he strongly hugged in his arms. That day all he wanted to do was to calm the young anorexic boy and stop his tears. What the others could think about it and say to him about this, he didn't care.

When Yuu swallowed his last spoonful he noticed that, unconsciously, he had practically emptied his bowl. He was even more surprised when he didn't feel the urge to vomit. And that morning he promised to himself that he wouldn't go make himself vomit as soon as he would leave the canteen. He was doing it for Akira and not for himself. Because the blond-haired man would be proud of him when he'd come back. He would smile again and forget what he had done to Yuu. And it's standing up from his chair that he noticed he was one of the last patients to still be in the canteen. In the room he saw neither Takanori nor Yutaka and even less Kouyou. Did they even have breakfast? He didn't know. Because he had paid attention to nothing. He was in his little bubble, in his own world far away from that reality that was hurting him. And in his thoughts which did everything to lead him on the path of his painful memories. As always.

He didn't dwell upon their absence and immediately left the canteen and despite the cold wind that was blowing outside, he decided to spend some time outside in the garden. As soon as he crossed the door leading to the garden, a cold breeze embraced his body. But he didn't care. He only wanted to stay outside, get some fresh air and not feel locked in. Walking, feeling the wind against his skin, see the grey sky above his head. And once again the same question came to his mind. Why did he lock him in this mental hospital? Yuu didn't understand. Knowing his father he would never had done such a thing. Someone had certainly had to convince him to do it. He didn't see any other answer to this question. And Yuu secretly hoped he would never leave this hospital any time soon.

It was quite contradictory. He didn't want to stay locked in there, but at the same time he didn't want to leave this place. Yuu was lost and horribly scared. The day before he had seen people who were unknown to him. Adults. But they weren't neither doctors nor psychiatrists. Yuu had immediately noticed it. Takanori had then explained to him that these people were in fact patients' parents. Most of patients had the right once a week to get visit from their family for an hour, sometimes less. And since then Yuu asked himself if he was going to come too. What would he do if it'd happen? The idea of seeing him between these walls sent shivers down his spine. He didn't want to see his father here. The boy sincerely hoped that he would never come and thus leave him in peace.

Noise near him caught his attention and naturally curious Yuu walked to the big oak located in the back of the garden. He didn't like this tree, it was frightening him. It wasn't big bare branches he was seeing, but two big and rough hands ready to wring his neck at any moment. He would have wanted to turn around, but the noise which turned out to be a laugh made him walk forward. Yuu walked around the tree and found Yutaka crouching holding in his hands the corpse of a sparrow. What was Yutaka doing hidden from the nurses' eyes with a dead animal in his hands? And why was he laughing like that? Yuu wanted to move back, but it was as if he was paralized. And then, the other boy had already noticed him, it was too late to run away.

The young boy stood up with his bird, whose head was split, still in his hands and got closer to his roommate, an evil smile on his lips. He then brought his hands full of blood closer to Yuu's face and let the bird fall at his feet with a devilish laugh. Yutaka took his face between his hands putting blood on Yuu's cheeks and while still laughing he brought his lips closer to the taller boy's ear.

"My bird is broken..."

"..."

"It no longer flies..."

"What... What did you do?" He asked in a frightened whisper.

"Tell me Yuu, do you want to be my bird?"

Yutaka slowly stroked his cheeks spreading a little more blood on his face and laughed again, endlessly. Yuu was shaking while tears started to run on his face. He was scared, horribly scared because he knew this situation too well. And he didn't want to relive it again. Never again. And when Yutaka was about to bite his earlobe he got rid of his embrace and ran as fast as he could indoors. He pushed some people, missed a few stairs and came hurtling into their bedroom making Takanori who was as always in front of the window, jump with surprise. Letting his tears run the teenager went to lock himself in the bathroom without noticing that another person was already in there. And he stayed there leant against the door and his head down, and cried. Again and again. Without paying the slightest attention to the other man.

Kouyou, him, had suddenly turned over when he had heard the door open. He hadn't expected to see Yuu at all, moreover in tears. So that's why, after the surprise was gone, he came close to the teenager in tears and slowly lifted his head. What he saw on his pale face didn't please him. To see all this blood angered him, but he controlled himself not wanting to scare Yuu more than he already was. The teenager in front of him didn't dare to look at him although Kouyou insisted to see his eyes. Yuu always looked away, he didn't want to show himself as weak in front of someone. He was too ashamed to be like that, but it wasn't his fault and he knew it.

Taking his eyes off Yuu's body Kouyou went back to the sink and moistened a flannel and then went back to Yuu. He gently took the teenager by his hand and without scaring him made him sit on the piece of furniture and started to wipe the blood on his cheeks.

"Did you hurt yourself somewhere?" He murmured while stroking the back of his hand with his thumb.

"No it's... It's not mine..."

"Tell me."

"It's Yutaka he... he... with a bird... he has blood.... on his hands..."

"Where is he?" Kouyou asked taking his face between his hands.

"In the garden... near the oak..."

"Stay here I'll be right back. Don't be afraid."

Under the influence of an urge, he put his lips on Yuu's forehead before wiping some tears that were still on his face then left the little bathroom and the building. He could have bet on it that something was going to happen with Yutaka. Because he had seen the expression in his eyes this morning, because he had heard him sing. And when Yutaka was singing it was never a good sign. That meant the puppet was back and it was going to have a lot of fun. Kouyou hated when the boy was haing a fit. Because he could clearly see that the puppet was taking a perverse pleasure in hurting everyone around it.

It's with a rapid step that he walked to the large oak. He found there Yutaka sitting against the tree, his legs against his torso and his face hidden in his knees. The chestnut haired man could hear him sob and he would have loved to feel sorry for him, but he felt nothing inside of him. Not even a heartache. That Yutaka was feeling bad had no effect on him. He was just angry against the puppet. That was all. Kouyou still made an effort and helped him standing up then took him in his arms and tried to whisper him soothing words. The same words he was whispering to Yuu at night. Kouyou remained patient with his roommate while keeping a watch on some of the nursing staff who had dared to go outside. If one of them would see Yutaka in this state, hands covered in blood, the younger boy would have a hard time. And himself too maybe. That's why he told him to hide his hands in his pockets and follow him to their bedroom. But before that Kouyou wiped his tears on his cheeks and Yutaka followed him docilely.

When he got a grip on himself the first thing he had seen was the blood on his hands and the corpse of the sparrow near him. He had then understood that once again the puppet had come back and had played with him. The only problem was that he could never remember his fits. He never managed to remember what had happened. Because the puppet was controlling everything. His mind and his body too. It forced itself on him, became embedded in every pore of his skin, meddled in his head only to leave him when it was satisfied with its games.

The teenager stopped in the middle of the stairs feeling that once again he was about to tear up, and looked at Kouyou with lost eyes, a cry for help. When the man noticed Yutaka wasn't following him anymore, he turned over and saw the few tears in the corner of his eyes. He went down the few stairs and took him once again in his arms as softly as he could do.

"Don't cry. Akira will be back soon and everything will be better." He said hoping that this would calm him down a little.

"I can't stand it..."

"I know. I know Yutaka. Come before they see you like that."

Taking him by his wrist he led him to their bedroom then ordered him to make the blood on his hands disappear. As for Kouyou he immediately went back to the bathroom in order to be with Yuu, like he had told him. Except that there was no trace of Yuu in the room. He was no longer sitting on the piece of furniture as when he had left him or even curled up in a corner against the wall. Yet he wasn't gone for a long time he would have certainly seen him in the corridors.

Retracing his steps he asked Takanori if he had seen Yuu leave the room, but seeing that the little boy was immersed in his contemplation of the outside he said no words. The outside was the garden. And in the garden there was the young depressed boy's object of fascination. The weeping willow. Kouyou suddenly got it and that's why he quickly left the room and ran in the corridors even though he knew it was forbidden. He had noticed from the first day that he seemed to be like Takanori too. Not because he had cried after Akira's and Yutaka's questions, but because he had seen a great pain in these dark eyes when their eyes had met when he was reading on his bed. And if he had noticed such a thing he thought that maybe this boy must have been fascinated by the weeping willow too.

Kouyou then quickened the pace of his steps as he already was on the ground floor. Yutaka had traumatized the teenager with highlighted hair, that point Kouyou had understood it well. When he had burst into the bathroom earlier, he had seen his body shiver and his eyes reflecting fear. He didn't need to see more to understand that something, and in that case someone, had frightened him.

In the garden, the boy walked quickly to the weeping willow whose branches had yellowed with the season. Hidden behind them he could see a body shaking like a leaf, a face hidden in hands. Moving aside the branches the young man sat next to Yuu and, slowly, put his arms around his thin body. The teenager struggled weakly when he felt hands against his back, but stopped any movement when he recognized this smell which calmed him during nights. He then made no further movements, but only shed tears while Kouyou was rocking him gently. It was only after long minutes that Yuu's sobs finally calmed down. He was exhausted to have cried that much, exhausted to always be scared, exhausted of his memories that were giving him a hard time. Exhausted of everything, of his weakness, of waking up every morning. Exhausted. So he let his head rest on Kouyou's shoulder and his hand lay on the grass, tearing at some times several blades.

"So this is where you were hiding." Kouyou said while stroking his dark hair.

"..."

"You know, Yutaka is sorry. It's not his fault. He didn't want to scare you."

"Leave me alone..."

"No. Not in your state."

"Please..."

"What's wrong?" He whispered in his ear.

"I can't handle it anymore... These memories, these voices, these images that terrorize me... I would have loved to not wake up that day, but everybody is stopping me from it! I just want people to let me leave!"

"Don't say that..."

"All I want is to die. To forget and finally be rid of everything... And I don't even know why I'm telling you this... How could the problems of an anorexic and depressive boy like me interest you? Nobody cares so why would you?"

Kouyou didn't know what to say. He didn't know himself why he wanted so much to take care of him. He only knew that he had to do it. That was all. In his head when he saw Yuu was feeling bad, when he heard him cry in his bed because of a nightmare, a voice was telling him to go reassure him, to take him in his arms and never let him go. Kouyou only knew anger and pain since he was in that hospital, and even before. And it wasn't because he was angry or hurt that he was caring about Yuu. What he was feeling inside was unknown and he didn't like that. Because it was hurting him a little. But he couldn't and didn't have the right to be angry at Yuu. It wasn't his fault if Kouyou was hurt inside. The chestnut haired man was the only responsible of his own pain and ignorance. Kouyou stayed long moments rocking Yuu until he felt his cold hands on his own. The boy was freezing, he then decided it was time for them to go back inside.

* * *

During dinner, at the table where the four boys were, reigned a calm that could have been described as horrifying. Normally there was always some kind of discussion when it wasn't broken by one of Kouyou's emotional outburst, even since Yuu's arrival. But here the four boys were all in their own thoughts. Takanori was still suffering from Akira's absence and had been hoping all day long that the man would come back soon. Yutaka made all his possible not to cross Yuu's gaze in front of him. He was still feeling guilty for what had happened this morning even though he wasn't really to blame.

As for Yuu he was forcing himself to swallow what was in his plate, still thinking about his outburst in front of Kouyou. He was weak he knew it and hated to be weak in front of other people. But he hadn't chosen to be weak, someone made him like that. He's been modelled on the image that the puppeteer, who was pulling the strings, wanted, making the teenager fall into his madness more each day. Kouyou, him, kept an eye on Yuu. He was watching him, observing every change of expression on his pale face. He had enough of seeing him cry, seeing his tears on his hollow cheeks. If only he knew what was torturing the young boy! But he had his secrets, everybody sitting at this table had their secrets so he didn't want to force him to tell him what was hurting him day after day.

Noises at the other end of the table made him turn his head. Kouyou then noticed that Yutaka had stood up, having finished his meal, and gave a last desolated look to Yuu that the teenager didn't see before leaving the canteen and going back to their bedroom.

"My parents came to visit me today," Takanori said after several minutes of silence, "I was really happy to see them, I was fine. Really... And you Yuu, did someone come to visit you today?"

"No..."

"Maybe tomorrow then. You have to be patient."

"No one will come..."

"That's sad. My mom brought me a box of cookies and my dad a book. My psychologist said that I had the right so I've read the book and eaten the cookies with mom and dad... Why nobody is going to come see you?"

"Is the common room still open?" Yuu asked, ignoring Takanori's question.

"Yes, but it'll be closed in an hour," Kouyou answered. "Why?"

"I need to draw... Sorry..."

And without another word he went away. And it was all Takanori's fault. The chestnut-haired had noticed Yuu's sorrow when the youngest boy had mentioned his parents' visit. He had seen the tears in his eyes, his hand nervously holding the paper cup near his plate, his lower lip shaking slightly. Just when Takanori had spoken Kouyou had wanted to shout to him to shut his little mouth a little too pink because he was hurting the other boy sitting next to him by mentioning his little piece of happiness. Yuu had never seemed to be happy since his arrival even if it was for a short time. Kouyou had always seen him cry with this sadness in his eyes. He'd never seen him gave a faint smile. And Kouyou wondered what had happened to him that he didn't even have the desire to smile. Or even to live.

In the common room, Yuu sat at a table isolated from the other people that were there. He didn't want to be with them, to talk to them. He just wanted to be alone in his corner and draw to forget. Draw his memories in order to erase them afterwards. He was drawing what was hurting him, what was torturing him and when the paper was fully blackened, he tore it not wanting a single person to discover his drawings and ask him questions about their meaning. But even if he explained them their meaning no one would believe him. And that was infuriating him that nobody wanted to believe him. Taking a new sheet of paper Yuu started a new drawing and tried to put some joy in it. Unfortunately he didn't succeed. He had just enough time to draw the outlines that the teenager let once again his tears fall. But it didn't stop him in his drawing. Despite his pain and grief he continued to blacken the sheet of paper until the moment he was told that it was time to leave.

As for Yutaka he had stayed sat on his bed since he'd left the canteen, head down and with marks of tears on his face. And on his bare arms which were nonchalantly laid on either side of his hips, red marks could be seen. Once again the puppet had had fun with him. Once again it'd hurt his body. Yutaka had seen it do all these awful things, he had seen it as clearly as he was able to see Akira's empty bed. It had taken a great pleasure to do all of this to him, like every time the puppet came. Like every time it felt the boy was weak. It was laughing to see this defenceless body, to see him hold himself back from screaming in order to not alert the nursing staff. It was laughing and singing in his ear this nursery rhyme he hated so much when it was taking him in its arms.

But all of this only was in his head while the wounds it had done to him were real. Yutaka always had blanks when he was seeing the puppet and during his blanks it often happened that he hurt himself. And when he got a grip on himself again, the first thing he could see was always the blood. On his hands, dropping from his forehead, on his belly,... But there, it only was little scratches, but still noticeable. It was enough for Yutaka. His body already was marked with many scars he was hiding every day and each one of them reminded him that the puppet was still here, buried in his memory and that it will never leave him in peace.

All he wanted was some help. That was why he was in this hospital. He still remembered the numerous times he had begged his father after a fit to help him, but without knowing what to do he only looked at his son's pain. Until the day he had found his fourteen-year-old boy at that time standing in the middle of the kitchen, a large knife in his hand. On that day the father had thought he was going to die when his son had attacked him. Fortunately he had managed to handle him and when it was over he had rocked him for a long time while trying to calm him. A few days after the incident and after a really long talk with their family doctor, Yutaka had been placed in this mental hospital.

Remembering all of this was extremely painful for Yutaka. He had nearly killed the only person he still had that day. And it only was its fault. It was the puppet who had whispered to him to take the knife, to use it against his father, to put red all over the white tiles because it would be prettier. It had ruined everything. His childhood, his teenage years, the hope of living like all children of the same age,... Everything.

Yutaka slowly let himself fall on the side and hiding his face in the pillow, he screamed as loud as he could. He was hitting the mattress at some times while insulting the puppet of every imaginable names. He was crying too, big and painful tears soaking the fabric as time passed. The door of the room slowly opened, but Yutaka was too deep in his pain to notice it. He didn't notice either the person walk to him with a sad expression on their face and sit on the edge of the bed. They took his body shaken with sobs against them and tirelessly rocked him until his tears has calmed down. Yutaka, feeling that someone was holding him, put his arms around their body and immediately recognized who it was. He had missed him so much that he held him more against him, digging even his nails in the blond man's skin who didn't flinch.

"I'm back. Everything will get better now, it won't hurt you again. Not while I'm with you." He said after having put a kiss on his cheek full of tears.

And Yutaka believed him. Because when Akira was with him he was seeing the puppet less. It rarely came to sing its nursery rhyme. It didn't harm him anymore. And when it was not coming because he was beside him, Yutaka was smiling. When Akira was there, the boy was happy. He bore its presence a little more every day because he made him smile and laugh. But despite his little happiness, one single question came every time cast a shadow over his mind.

_"Mom why are you hurting me?"_


	5. Chapter 5

_“Miyu...ki... wake up... You promised.... you'd play with... with me...”_

_“Sweetie... it's over.”_

_“No... Mom tell her to wake up!”_

_“I can't...”_

_“Please... Dad tell her...”_

_“It's over now... Let her go.”_

_“No... No... no no no!!! Please... Let's wait a little longer I know she's going to wake up!”_

_“Taka, it's over darling... It's over...”_

_“No... please no...”_

_His hands were still holding his sister's arm when his parents tried to make him leave her side. It wasn't only hard for the little boy to let her go, it was hard for the both of them too. Miyuki was their little baby girl who was always smiling at them and brought them so much happiness and love. But now, there was no happiness in the room. Only sadness and tears. Only the little boy's cries beside his sister, only their parents' sobs that they were trying to make as discreet as possible. These were the only sounds that could be heard in the room, alongside a long and high-pitched “bip” coming from the machine near their baby girl._

* * *

_One week later._

“Taka please.”

“Don't want to..”

“It's been three days and I know you better than you think. You can't keep faking your mental health!”

“Don't want to Aki...”

“Look,” He quietly said kneeling in front of the boy who was as always sitting on the window ledge and took his hands in his. “I won't force you and you know I never would, but please talk. If it's not to me talk to a doctor or ask them if you can see your parents more often, but don't hold your sadness back. It will destroy you...”

“I know.”

“...and I don't want that.”

Avoiding his gaze Takanori squeezed his hands harder and let a few teardrops fall on his cheeks. He knew it was better for him to talk to someone in here, that it would make him feel better. But he couldn't. Because he was afraid someone would say to him he didn't have any reason to be depressed. That he had to grieve and move forward. She wasn't going to come back. And this fact was hurting him so much! Miyuki was his twin sister, his best friend, his life, his everything. She took a piece of him when she died, and this wound would never heal. Always bleeding, always aching. And the little boy just wanted the pain to stop. He was tired of suffering, tired of crying, tired of pretending to be fine when inside he was a mess.

More tears ran on his cheeks when Akira took him in his arms and rocked him tenderly. Oh yes Akira knew about Miyuki's death. It was on the third day that Takanori spoke about her sister for the first, and unique time. Akira had found the little boy crying his eyes out on his bed, curled up and his face hidden in the pillow. He had thought he was crying because he was afraid to be there. Takanori was so young, in fact he was one of the youngest patients in this hospital. And that had made Akira walk towards him and gently put a hand on his shoulder. The reaction he'd got wasn't the one he had expected. Feeling someone touching him Takanori had immediately hugged the person beside him and had cried more painful tears. The man wasn't sure of what to do that's why he'd hugged him back shyly and stroked his back from time to time. And it's between two sobs that Takanori had told him about his sister's death. That he wouldn't be able to play with her again, wouldn't be able to make her laugh, wouldn't be able to see her. She was gone. On that day the little boy had opened his heart to Akira, he had told him all his fears to be in this hospital and all his pain from that loss. It was the only time he'd spoken about her with him and now, whenever the young man saw him cry, he knew what was the cause of his tears.

Several minutes had passed like this calmly during which Takanori had stayed against Akira who was playing with his hair. No words were exchanged between them, only kind gestures from the older man. Until the door of their bedroom opened.

Yuu came in the room tired-looking and his face deeply lined and drawn. He purposely didn't pay any attention to the other boys in the room, not wanting to hear their questions or their voices at all, and laid down on his bed. He wanted to sleep, maybe just for a few minutes, an hour if he was lucky enough. To sleep and forget all the things the nurse had said to him when he had to see her earlier. Forget the fears she'd put in his mind with her words. Just sleep and see his mother again, even though it was just through dreams.

“Are you alright Yuu?” Akira asked while still rocking Takanori in his arms.

“Hmm hmm.”

“Was she nicer with you this time?”

“Yeah.... I've put on weight...”

“Really? That's awesome! Continue like that and soon you'll be outside of these walls!”

“If you say so...”

It was just a whisper soon followed by a quiet sob. He wanted to gain weight yes, but he only made an effort to please Akira. He was well aware that the blond-haired wanted to help him, Yuu had seen his attempts the past few days and he was thankful. But after what she'd told him, he wasn't sure anymore if he still wanted to please the man. He wasn't sure if he still wanted to see them, if he still wanted to wake up with them, be with them. Start to like them. Right now Yuu was lost, but mostly scared. He needed help, he knew it, but who would believe him? No one. The boy was and still would be alone with his fears and demons.

It's on these thoughts that Yuu fell asleep, faintly hearing Takanori and Akira speaking to each other.

“Aki...”

“Hmm?”

“I miss her... I miss her...” The little boy cried in his arms, his body shaking again. “I want her back... now...”

“Taka... You know that's impossible. It's hard, but... she's gone.”

“No...”

“I'm sorry... I really am.”

“I wish that accident never happened... He took my sister... Give her back!”

“Shhh, I'm here for you. Don't cry.”

And the young man continued to whisper him reassuring words until his crying finally calmed down. He then held him in his arms and put the little boy on his bed before planting a kiss on his temple. Akira stayed by his side during long minutes, stroking his cheek from time to time, trying to make him laugh which succeed a few times, reassuring him when he was about to cry again. Sadly for Takanori, his friend had to leave the room, but before that Akira made him promise that if he wasn't feeling well again he had to talk to someone, wake up Yuu if he'd still be sleeping, go find him, but in any case he should stay alone.

Takanori didn't say a single word to him and stood still, looking at the ground. He was alone now, alone in his thoughts, alone in his memories. He stayed a few more minutes on his bed listening to Yuu's breathing before standing up and going to the bathroom.

Miyuki died eight months ago, hit by a car. It was still winter, thick flakes of snow were falling outside and on that day the two children were alone at home. On that day Takanori was feeling sick and in order to make her twin feel better, Miyuki left the house for the bakery. Under her umbrella and wrapped up in her coat she was thinking about what kind of pastry she could buy for her brother. An apple pie? A tartlet? Or maybe a chocolate eclair? She finally opted for a vanilla slice. She was so happy of her purchase, she knew Takanori would be happy too and love it. Her packet in one hand Miyuki was smiling and humming happily. She couldn't wait to see her brother again and give him her little surprise. Unfortunately Takanori never get the pastry from his sister. Black ice was on the road and it was snowing heavily. The driver didn't see the little girl when she was crossing the road. The impact was unavoidable.

Yuu woke up suddenly. Once again he had a nightmare. This time he was all alone in a dark and unknown room, and the only noise he could hear was his own breathing and heartbeat. He had tried to find an exit, feeling around him if he could find a wall or even a door, anything that could look like an exit. The more time was going by, the more he felt trapped. Yuu was panicking in his dream, calling for help, crying. But no one came to his rescue, no one answered to him. Until the moment he felt a presence near him, just behind him. He could feel that person's breathing in his neck, run their fingers over one of his arms and even lower,... He was paralized, so scared he couldn't even scream nor move. But it's when he felt two arms catch him that he finally awoke.

His breathing shallow and rapid Yuu had some difficulties to sit up straight again. His body was still shaking from his nightmare and he could still feel fingers on his arms and hips. But he knew they weren't real. It was just a nightmare and nothing else. What he saw wasn't real.

It took him another good ten minutes to completely calm down and notice he was alone in the room. He then stood up and went towards the bathroom in order to refresh himself a little bit. But when he opened the door, the first thing Yuu saw was red on the floor. A puddle of blood beneath two wrists and an unconscious little boy.

“Ta...ka...? Taka!!” He screamed as he fell on his knees beside Takanori's body. “Please open your eyes open them open them open them! Someone please help me!”

In a brief time several nurses came in the bedroom and as soon as they noticed the blood, one of them took Yuu away from the little boy as the others were taking care of him. The male nurse then led the teenager to the staff room where he first made him sit before looking for what he needed to wash the blood on Yuu.

“He... He's not dead, right?”

“Don't worry your friend is in good hands. He's not going to die.”

“But... There was a lot of blood,” Yuu said looking at his blood-stained pants and fisted hands on his knees. “I couldn't do anything...”

“You were there and you called us. Imagine if he'd been alone.”

“I should have wake up earlier... Maybe... maybe I could have....”

“It's not your fault,” he said while washing the blood on Yuu's hands. “You've done nothing wrong.”

It was hard for Yuu to believe what the nurse was saying. It was his fault if Takanori had cut his wrists, it was his fault if there was blood on the floor. He should have been there for the boy like Akira was, he should have stayed awake and take care of him. But he did nothing of that, only stayed pulled into his own shell instead of talking with them and maybe, maybe, smiling again. Even if it'd been a faint smile. He shouldn't have been sleeping.

When the bustle in the corridor calmed down the nurse took him back in his bedroom and left right after. Of course the blood had been cleansed, but Yuu could still see it on the white floor, that's why he stayed at the doorstep. He couldn't go back in that room, not now. The shock of what had happened was still there, Yuu wasn't ready to face that door. He wasn't ready to answer to his roommates' questions, he wasn't ready to see Akira again. Because deep inside of him he knew that the boy would blame him.

So it's with a frightened look that the boy turned and hurried to go to the garden. There, he didn't care to find a quiet place to sit and instead walked. He walked. Even though his body would soon tell him to stop and rest, even though he'd feel his legs shaken and won't be able to take him far anymore, even though he was freezing. Yuu just wanted to walk and try to forget those pictures in his head. The ones from that night when he still was an innocent little child. The ones that were scaring him at nights in his dreams and even in his daily life. Pictures of his dead mother lying on the floor of the bathroom, in her blood. Pictures of his crying self begging her to open her eyes. Pictures of the start of his descent into hell.

* * *

It has been hard for Yuu this night to go back to their bedroom and see Takanori's empty bed. The other boys had learned the accident earlier and of course it was a shock for them, again. It wasn't the first time Takanori tried to kill himself. It wasn't the first time they would spend some days without him. But they knew he was going to come back, like every time. However the boys didn't talk about the incident with each other, each one of them knew it was painful enough to think about it. No need to talk about it anymore. But right before the lights turned off Yuu still whispered a “sorry” to Akira.

Kouyou woke up a few hours later and as he was about to join Yuu in his bed, he noticed that the boy was missing. He felt scared for a moment fearing that Yuu had done something irreparable and when he finally heard sobs coming from the bathroom, he hurried to go there. His first instinct was to light the bulb, hoping it was still working, and when he saw the boy sitting on the floor with his face hidden against his thighs Kouyou let out a sigh of relief. He didn't know what he'd have done if he'd found Yuu lying in blood. He'd have screamed maybe or even just stayed there watching him.

Slowly, Kouyou got closer to the boy and crouched beside him before putting a hand on his back with some hesitation.

“Please don't touch me,” Yuu almost shouted, his body shaking more and more as time passed by. “I don't want... not this time...”

“Not this time?” Kouyou didn't understand what the boy was meaning. What was “this time”? What had happened? Yuu seemed so traumatized that it upset him. “I'm... I'm not going to hurt you I...” He sighed deeply while taking him in his arms, even though Yuu was struggling. “It's me. You don't have to be afraid. Oh please don't be... Not of me.”

And he kept whispering soothing words in his ear until Yuu stopped to struggle, long minutes after. The black-haired boy let himself be gently rocked, too tired now to do a single movement. His body was exhausted, too tired of having cried. His arms wrapped around Kouyou's neck he let the young man hold him tightly against his chest, kiss his cheek and hug him. He wasn't comfortable right now with these attentions, his kisses, but he was too afraid to tell him to stop. Too afraid he was going to hurt him if he said “no”. Too afraid to be that close to another man in this moment.

“Let me take you back to your bed, you're cold.” Kouyou said after a long moment of silence. He was being more tactile with Yuu now, laying kisses on his skin, stroking his hips while he was waiting for an answer. Oh of course it was not the first time Kouyou was that tactile with the boy. He'd become closer in their relationship the last few nights even though he couldn't understand some of Yuu's reactions yet. But as soon as his hand went on Yuu's thigh he felt him tensed up and heard him whisper several "no". “I don't think it's a good idea for you to stay here. And... you know why.”

“Stay here... stay here...”

“Alright alright, but I won't leave you alone.” The young man then stood up in order to turn the light off and quickly went back to Yuu.

Yuu was frightened. He was alone in the dark with someone who was holding him and whispering words in his ears, and he couldn't move. Nor speak. He was feeling things on his body. Hands on his thighs and back, a breath on his neck, lips on his jaw, teeth biting his lower lip. Yuu was paralysed and shaking with fear, he could do nothing but cry silently. All of this reminded him too many things.

Kouyou didn't understand why Yuu was still shaking. He had thought that his kisses and sweet caresses would sooth him, but the more he was kissing him whether it was on his lips or not, the more he could feel the young boy shiver. Yet he was trying to be gentle, Kouyou didn't intend to hurt him he only wanted to reassure the boy. He'd thought it would be the best thing he could do, obviously he'd been wrong. And it's after another kiss that Kouyou finally noticed Yuu had been crying. He thought that maybe it was him who'd made him cry, maybe he had scared him? But that wasn't what he'd wanted, oh no. Besides reassuring him Kouyou would have loved to feel again his arms around his neck, his fragile skin beneath his fingertips and goosebumps on his body. But for now the only thing he could do was holding the boy close to him and whispering that he was sorry, from time to time.

The next morning when Kouyou opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was Akira squatting in front of him and seeing the expression on his face, he knew he was going to have a hard time.

“What are you doing here?” The chestnut-haired asked, tightening Yuu a little more against him.

“I should ask what are you doing,” His facial expression became more severe as he was looking at the still sleeping boy. “You can both be in trouble for this you know.”

“What are you talking about?”

“He's seventeen.”

“What? How... how do you know?”

“That's not the point Kou. You should stop this right now,” Akira stood up turning his back to the two boys then waited a few seconds before speaking again. “It'd be better for the both of you.”

“I'm not doing anything wrong...”

“Seriously? Do you really think I don't know what you're doing to him for a few days?”

“And? Where's the problem?” Kouyou could feel himself becoming angry. He was aware that what he was doing to Yuu was wrong. But he couldn't stop. He was caring too much about the boy. Lots of things have happened in his mind those last few days, and now he couldn't imagine someone taking him away from him.

“Yuu's still a kid Kouyou, a kid! You want to be in trouble now or when you're going to leave that place? Fine! But don't come and cry afterwards.”

“Say, what about you and Yutaka? You know, I may be sick, but not blind.”

“It's not the same.”

“Fuck off Akira.”

It clearly was the same situation and Kouyou had no idea why Akira was acting like that. The blond-haired cared about Yutaka the same way he cared about Yuu so why had he said things like that? Yes he was an adult and an adult should not do such things to a teenager. But he couldn't help it.

Trying to calm himself down, Kouyou gently stroked Yuu's hair while waiting for the boy to wake up. He even wondered how he could still be sleeping with the quarrel he'd had with Akira a few minutes earlier. Deep inside him he was thankful Yuu didn't wake up. The boy needed to sleep, he needed those precious little minutes of rest. And for once he didn't have a nightmare this night. But what Kouyou didn't know was that Yuu had fallen asleep hours after him. Because the boy was so afraid of the dark he had been in an altered state of mind and thus it had made him remember things. Horrible things.

Several minutes passed by without a single noise until Yuu started to move softly in Kouyou's arms.

“Good morning sleepyhead.” He said with a smile and gently stroked his cheek.

“Morning...”

“Is something wrong?”

“I... had a bad dream...”

“Do you want to tell me?”

“I don't know... It... it seemed so real...”

“Take your time.”

“There was... there was something that was touching me,” Yuu started to speak after several minutes without looking at the other man. “In a way I didn't want... I wanted to scream and beg to this thing to stop but nothing came out of my mouth... I was so scared Kouyou,” He paused, letting enough time to Kouyou to realize he was speaking about him. “So scared... I thought it would never end.”

“Well... It was only a bad dream. You don't need to be afraid now, that thing won't hurt you again. I promise.”

Kouyou felt guilty. So he had scared him after all... And that point was hurting him, because he was that thing Yuu had mentioned, he was the thing that hadn't wanted to stop touching him. He was the monster the boy had feared last night. He was a monster. That word was too familiar to him during his childhood, it had been said too many times. Kouyou was the little monster of the family, something you had to hide from the eyes of the neighbours. Only because he'd made one single mistake one day.

But now he wouldn't be that monster again. He would never ever hurt the boy again. Kouyou wanted so badly to see him smile, even just one time, that he promised to himself he would not make him cry one more time. He wanted to protect Yuu and him to trust him. He wanted to be loved by the boy, not feared.

“I'm scared it will come back tonight...”

“It won't. No one will hurt you. Let's go out of here now, some people are going to imagine things.”

And as he thought Akira was waiting that they come out of the bathroom. The young man didn't hold himself to look at him with a look full of meaning, but said nothing. He could see that Yuu was holding tightly one of Kouyou's sleeves, maybe out of fear, and at the same time that he seemed to be hesitant to follow the man beside him. Akira could have said something to Kouyou once again, but he'd preferred not to do it in front of Yuu. Who knows how scared or traumatized he would have been if they'd started to shout. Yuu was emotionally and physically fragile, and they'd all noticed that fact. Akira didn't want to worsen this. So for the moment, even though he could feel himself becoming more and more angry, even though he disagreed what he was about to choose, he let the boy be with Kouyou.

* * *

Yuu hadn't left Kouyou's side a single time that day. He was following him like his shadow, clinging on his sleeve and half hidden behind the man's back which had caused among the nursing staff some comments against them. Kouyou was one of the few patients who had to be closely supervised because of his aggressive fits. Some of the nurses had thought he was forcing the anorexic boy to follow him everywhere while in reality Yuu was just afraid to stay alone. He didn't want to stay alone, not after that “nightmare” he'd had. What should he do if the thing was coming back when he was alone? Asking for help? But who would have helped him? Kouyou was there and when he was with him, nothing was touching him nor whispering things in his ear. When Kouyou was there his nightmare wasn't hurting him. Yuu was still convinced last night had only been a bad dream. For him it wasn't Kouyou who was touching him and even if he did, Kouyou had never hurt him so why would he start now? That was one of the only things he had in his mind today.

The two boys were now in the common room. Kouyou was sitting on an old armchair and playing a few notes on an acoustic guitar, even though one or two strings were missing, and was watching Yuu from time to time. The boy wasn't far from him, sitting at a table and was drawing as usual. He could see him be focused on what he was doing and take brief looks in his direction. Kouyou also noticed that he was slightly hiding his sheet of paper while drawing and when he had finally finished it, he stayed quietly sat on his chair with his gaze focused on the guitar.

“Do you want to try it?”

“Eh?”

“The guitar,” Kouyou replied with a smile. “Come here.”

“I... I don't know how to play.”

“I'll teach you. Come.”

Hesitant, Yuu folded his drawing before putting it in his pocket and then walked towards the chestnut-haired who took him by his hips in order to make him sit on his laps. Of course Kouyou saw the reproving look some nurses gave him. But honestly he didn't care right now.

“What were you drawing?” He asked Yuu while putting the guitar on the boy's laps.

“Nothing. It's bad anyway...”

“Can I see it?”

“I thought you wanted to teach me how to play.”

"Ah right... Have you already played an instrument?"

“Mom tried to teach me the piano when I was younger. It was a disaster...” Yuu answered, looking sad.

Kouyou stayed quiet for a few seconds. He should have remember that his mom was a sore point, but how could he have known she tried to teach him? “It won't be that difficult. Just look at what I'm doing and try to do the same.”

He then put his fingers on the strings and played some chords slowly enough for Yuu to memorize them. And when the boy took the guitar in his hands, he was happy to notice he could play them perfectly well. Kouyou taught him some more chords, Yuu had a few difficulties with the ones that were harder, and he spoke a lot with him. He had sensed that Yuu was tensed, he only wanted to relax him. Eventually they started talking about a subject Kouyou would have loved to avoid. Takanori. The black-haired had wanted to know when the little boy was going to come back, if he was going to come back. Kouyou didn't have the answer to his question. Because it'd been different the two other times Takanori had had to be transferred to another hospital. It would take four days, maybe a week, maybe more for the boy to come back. But Kouyou reassured him that he was going to see him again.

They'd spend maybe an hour playing the guitar together, and Yuu could feel his fingers starting to hurt, when a nurse walked up to them with another adult. The two boys were smiling but their smile quickly faded when the nurse spoke.

“Yuu someone's here for you. Look who came to see you!”

The boy looked in front of him and as soon as he saw the other adult with the nurse, his eyes reflected a great fear. He dropped the guitar when he recognized who it was, and luckily Kouyou was holding the instrument otherwise it'd be more broken. And without even noticing, he had abruptly gripped one of Kouyou's forearm. Now his whole body was shaking and it seemed that Kouyou was the only one to see it. That's why he gently took the hand that was gripped on his forearm and held it in his own, brushing his phalanxes with his thumb while looking at the two persons in front of them with anger in his eyes.

The new guest finally made a move, walking closer to the two boys and thus making Yuu shake even more. He looked at them with a smirk, enjoying what he was seeing, before saying just a few words.

“Hello son.”


	6. Chapter 6

The guitar had been left untouched for a long time now. Kouyou was still sitting on the armchair, in the common room, his elbows on his knees and feeling worried to death. If the chestnut-haired man remembered well, it was the second time in his whole life that he'd felt so worried over something and in this particular case, someone.

It has been ten minutes that Yuu had left with his father. Ten minutes of pure anxiety for Kouyou who could do nothing about it. He had seen Yuu being reluctant to follow his father, he had seen his body tense when the man had opened his arms to hug him, he had seen his pleading eyes full of tears, but Kouyou had been incapable of doing a single thing for him. He would have loved to keep him with him, in his arms and far away from these adults. This man didn't inspire Kouyou's confidence. Every inch of his body was telling him to keep Yuu far away from this man, to keep him safe. Or was it only because he wanted the young boy for himself? Kouyou wanted the boy, _yes_. He wanted to hug him and kiss him. He wanted to protect him so much it was hurting him. And right now he was so scared of Yuu's well-being. Was he alright? Was he crying? Maybe smiling? Kouyou couldn't stand the wait. 

After a few more minutes – five or ten he couldn't tell – Kouyou slowly stood up and then headed back to their bedroom. He couldn't help himself but sit on Yuu's bed and take the pillow the raven boy was holding in his arms sometimes. _It still has his fragrance_ , he thought while holding the pillow close to his chest with a faint smile. If someone was walking past the bedroom, the only thing they would be able to see would be a young man sat on a bed slightly rocking himself back and forth with the most anxious and sad expression on his face. But the only one who came in the bedroom at that moment was Akira. 

The blond man had been looking for Kouyou the past few minutes. He still wanted to talk to him about his behaviour towards Yuu, on that topic Akira would not back down, not now. Not when he'd realized he'd been so wrong with Kouyou this morning in the bathroom. Not when the words he'd said this morning were dictated by anger, even though they were full of truth. He still had to apology and explain himself. 

It's a little hesitant that he made a few step to the other man. “Kouyou, uh, we need to talk.” 

“I'm not in the mood Aki. Leave me alone.” 

“Please listen to me, it's important I... Hey, are you alright?” Akira asked as he noticed the fear in his friend's eyes and now he was starting to get worried about him. Worried he would have another fit, worried he would see him be in so much pain again. 

“I'm so scared,” He had all the rights to be scared, because he didn't personally know the man with whom Yuu was. And the boy was so fragile, so innocent. “I'm so scared he gets hurt, so scared he's not going to come back.” 

“What happened? Honestly Kouyou I've never seen you like that. I mean... for someone else.” 

“Yuu's with his father,” He was almost whispering as he purposely ignored Akira's last sentence. It was true that the blond-haired man had never seen him dead worried for another person because Kouyou never truly showed what he was feeling in front of some people. But right now he was so anxious that he was feeling nauseous. His clutched hands on the pillow were shaking, his face was livid and his eyes watery. “And he's not back! I don't want him to leave me!” 

“Hey, look at me,” Akira said softly while crouching down before the other man. “He is not going to leave you. It's been what, a little more than a week? They can't let him leave that soon, not when he's still so thin.” 

“I don't know what I'm going to do if Yuu is leaving... You know I want to be better Aki. And I want to be better for him. Because I'm feeling different with him even though it's hurting me sometimes. I want to be a better person, not a monster. Not again.” 

The other man gave him a faint smile as he sat beside him and then Akira gently took him in his arms. He knew it wasn't Kouyou's strong point to show his emotions and make people understand how he was feeling, that he had self-esteem issues because of his past, but right now he knew Kouyou was telling him the truth. Akira felt so stupid compared to this morning as he understood what Kouyou was trying to say through his fears. 

“You love that boy, don't you?” 

“I don't know, I don't know if it's love or if I care too much about him. I don't know what's happening to me,” Kouyou made a short break, still confused about what he was feeling since Yuu left with his father. “It's going to drive me crazy... But the only thing I know is that I want him with me, right now. Please Aki do something!” His voice sounded as if he was on the verge of crying. He needed Yuu, he needed to know if he was well. He needed to see him. It wasn't usual for him to show so much distress, and that scared him too. 

“Calm down he's going to come back soon, and I'm sure you don't want him to see you like that, am I right?” 

“Yeah... Sorry...” 

“You know, I should be the one to say sorry,” he let out a nervous laugh as he loosened his hold. “About this morning I... I am sorry. I know I shouldn't have react that way, but you have to acknowledge that it isn't a healthy relationship.” 

“Akira I've said I'm not in the mood for this.” 

It was not the time to back down, Akira had to say what was on his mind. “Hey I'm trying to make an apology here, so you will listen to me! I'm not taking back what I said, but... but I was angry. Maybe even jealous.” He then sighed deeply, suddenly avoiding his friend's gaze. 

“Jealous? Why?” 

“I don't know. Maybe because I can't be that close with Yutaka? Honestly I don't know.” But Yutaka wasn't Yuu, they hadn't the same fears, the brown-haired teenager hadn't the same reactions when Akira was trying to get a little closer. “But remember we're adults and as adults, even though we're mentally sick, we have to protect them. And not otherwise.” 

“I know Aki. And I accept your apologies.” Kouyou said laughing. 

Akira was just in love with a teenager and torn between his desire and his reason. He was right, an adult shouldn't have such gestures towards a teenager. But these two men couldn't help it, they'd fallen deep for them and even if Kouyou knew Yuu only for a little more than a week, he knew what he was feeling was too strong to be a fling. Too strong to let someone take the boy away from him. Kouyou wouldn't bear that, and he could already see himself be completely devastated by his departure. Within a few days the teenager had become so important to him that Kouyou didn't even understand what was happening inside of him. 

As time was going by, Akira managed to make him laugh with his famous jokes which weren't even that funny. But Kouyou appreciated the gesture and was thankful to him. In fact the chestnut-haired man had always been astounded by how Akira was always trying to cheer everybody up. Even if he was himself sick, he was always making others smile and laugh. Akira was the kind of person who put others' happiness before his own. 

And soon someone was there with them, without that any of the two men had even noticed it. He had been so quiet he could have easily lock himself in in the bathroom, but it just took one uncontrolled sob to make the older men turn their head to see what was happening. And the boy was there, a few steps before the door of their bedroom, with red eyes and trembling lips. Yuu was motionless and did all his possible to avoid their gazes, wrapping his arms around his waist as if he was trying to protect himself. Even if he wasn't looking at them, he could feel their eyes on him watching him as if he was a circus freak. It was making him nauseous. 

“Yuu, what happened to you?” Akira gently asked as he stood up. 

“N-nothing.” 

“Liar.” It was only a whisper. Yuu was maybe lying to them, but his body wasn't. His pallor wasn't lying, his shaking limbs weren't lying, his red eyes weren't lying. Something had happened, Yuu just didn't want to talk. 

“Alright I think I'll leave you alone. Kouyou, beware of the nurses.” 

The two boys were now alone, in an almost religious silence. Yuu didn't dare to move, nor breathe. And now that he was alone with Kouyou his body was shaking more. Right now the raven-haired was so scared he started to cry, his crystal-clear tears leaving marks on his cheeks. What should he do now? Stay motionless? Seek comfort in Kouyou's arms? Run away? Yuu wasn't sure anymore about what he should be doing. Not after what he'd been through after all these years. Not after all his fears and tears. But Kouyou made the choice for him. The man came closer to Yuu, slowly because he didn't want to scare the boy more than he already was, then cupped one of his cheeks making Yuu look at him. In those dark eyes Kouyou could see all the pain he was feeling. How could someone or even something hurt him like that? 

“Talk to me. Did something happen when you were with your father?” 

“N-no... N-nothing happened...” Yuu replied, closing his eyes. 

“I don't really like liars you know? But, I guess you have your own reasons not to tell me.” The man stroked his cheek with his thumb, wiping the tears away and gently smiled at him even though the teenager couldn't see it. 

Kouyou then carried this frail boy in his arms a little surprised he wasn't even struggling. With Yuu's thin arms and legs around his neck and waist, he sat down again on the bed and kept the boy on his lap while gently stroking his back and kissing his hair from time to time, in a way to soothe him as he was still crying. Kouyou couldn't bear to see him in that state. He could feel the boy hugging him tightly, digging his nails in his shoulders sometimes, and his tears falling in the crook of his neck. The raven-haired was shaking all over and mumbling incoherent words, _I'm sorry_ s and _I'll be good_ s and more _please_ s and countless _stop_ s. The more Kouyou was listening to his pleas, the more he was understanding what had happened to the boy. _If_ he was right. _If_ it was possible. _If_ he wasn't imagining things. There was a lot of if and Kouyou couldn't guess which one was right. 

After some long minutes during which Yuu seemed to have calmed down a little, the boy started to twine his fingers in Kouyou's long hair, lost in his dark thoughts, as he still stayed on his lap, resting his head on one of the older man's shoulder. 

“I want to see her.” He whispered sniffling softly, then started to endlessly repeat these words. It was more painful for him each time he was saying it. But it has been so long since the last time he went on his mother's grave, he needed to see her and talk to her. Ask her again the same questions even though he knew he would never get the answers. 

“I don't think they would let you... I'm sorry Yuu.” 

“I've never asked to be put in here,” His voice became more high-pitched as he choked on his tears. “I wanted to stay with her... B-but she died! And left me alone in pain and in fear... I just want to see her again!” 

“But I'm here, and I won't leave you alone. Not like that and certainly not here.” Kouyou said with a soft and calm voice, making the boy look into his eyes. “Trust me I won't. I don't know what your mother died from, but I'm sure she wouldn't have wanted to see you so broken.” 

“She had me... She should have fight...” 

“Don't blame her.” 

And then he put his lips near Yuu's mouth. 

* * *

It was quiet in the common room at this hour of the day, even though some laughs could be heard. Some patients were talking with each other, others were playing cards and some were just watching what people were doing. Yuu was one of these people. He was sitting on a chair with his chin resting on his knees, and was looking at what the other patients around him were doing. Today he wasn't in the mood to draw, nor to talk. Fragments of what had happened yesterday were still in his mind. His father's coming, his tears in front of Kouyou, the man's words as he was trying to soothe him, the kiss at the corner of his mouth, his caresses in his dark hair as an attempt to calm him down in the middle of the night after Yuu had woken from another nightmare. 

Last night, Yuu's screams had alerted the nursing staff to their bedroom and when they'd came in they'd gotten the wrong idea. Yuu was crying and screaming in such a painful way, and beside him Kouyou was trying to calm him down. In the dark the nurses had thought Kouyou was hurting the boy, that's why they'd pushed him aside. He had tried to tell them that no he wasn't hurting him, the boy had just had a nightmare. But they weren't listening to what he was saying and seeing that Yuu wasn't calming down, they had to use a sedative. They'd left right after without a single word. 

In his nightmare, Yuu was lying on an operating table, his wrists and ankles tied up to the table. All was darkness around him except above him where a single light was on. The boy was too weak to move, but when he felt a sharp pain in his chest he tried to look at it and when he saw it, his facial expression was just pure horror. His ribcage was open so that his heart which was beating faintly could be seen, blood was flowing out of his body in a large amount and his lungs were moving as he was breathing quickly. The boy was in a state of panic when the light above him turned off and soon after, he could feel two rough hands around his throat. It was when he heard a laughter that he woke up suddenly. 

“You're not with Kouyou today?” 

Yuu shook his head as the other boy sat in front of him with a book in his hands. 

“That's strange. Lately you're always with him, did you two have an argument?” 

Again he shook his head. “I don't know where he is.” 

“Oh. Well... I'm keeping you company then!” 

And Yutaka resumed his reading, sharing from time to time with the other boy his thoughts on the book. The boy never asked Yuu to start or even participate in a conversation, it was alright for him to talk alone. He had noticed that Yuu wasn't feeling well, he only wanted to brighten his mood a little and make up for the time he'd scared him with the bird. Oh of course Yutaka had already apologised to Yuu, but he was still unsure if the boy had really forgiven him. So he stayed with the older boy every time he could – especially when Yuu was alone – and talked to him. 

A nurse came by their side after a while as she was looking for Yutaka, and told him that it was time for his group therapy session. Unfortunately for Yuu she encouraged him to go with the other boy stating that he looked like he really needed to talk to someone. So Yuu followed Yutaka unwillingly to another room full of patients seated in front of a nurse. The two boys took a seat then waited for the adult to talk. 

“Hello everybody,” the man started with his cheerful voice, looking at each person in front of him. “I can see new faces today, that's great! I want you to introduce yourselves, let's see... You in the back,” he pointed at Yuu. “Would you like to begin?” 

“I... What should I say?” 

“First your name would be great, then, whatever you want!” He smiled to him while speaking. “What you like or dislike, if you have brothers or sisters, your favourite pets,... it's up to you to chose!” 

“I, um, my name's Yuu and... and I'm an only son and... it's really making me anxious to be here. Can... Can I leave?” 

“Why?” 

“I'm not feeling well...” 

“We're here to listen to you Yuu, to your story. You'll be feeling better if you talk to us.” 

“I can't...” 

“Well, we will try another time." 

He then asked a girl who was probably a little older than Yuu to go on. Yuu wasn't at ease on this chair with all these people around him. He wanted to leave, now, but was too scared to move. The boy didn't want to come forward with his personal story, not in front of all these people and mostly not now. He wasn't ready, it was too hard even though he wanted so much to tell it to someone. Someone who would believe him, someone who would reassure him and tell him that it wasn't his fault. That he had done nothing wrong. He was just a kid at that time, what could he have done wrong to deserve what had happened? And that was one of the countless questions Yuu wanted to ask. 

At the end of the session, when they were about to leave, the nurse asked Yuu to stay with him because he wanted to talk to him. Yutaka then whispered to the boy that he was going to wait for him in the corridor and that he could just leave if the nurse was getting annoying. A little joke in order to make the raven-haired smile, but as he saw no smile on his lips, Yutaka left them alone. 

The man then sat in front of Yuu, smiling again to him. “You know I'm not doing this to hurt you, we're here to help you get better. You can understand this, right?” 

“Yes...” 

“You're healing process has to involve conversations and I can understand that for a first time, it must be difficult for you. So, what I'm proposing, if you agree, is that you can come talk to me whenever you want. It'll only be between the two of us. And when you'll be more at ease, you could participate with us all.” He made a short break to let Yuu think about his suggestion. “What do you think?” 

“I don't know... I've already a psychologist to talk to. And... You will judge me.” 

“That's not my job. Alright you can go, but don't forget what I said.” 

In the corridor, Yutaka greeted him with a warm smile and hastened to say that the nurse was a good and trustful man. He also added that he was sorry, but he couldn't help himself from hearing their conversation, which made Yuu smile faintly. The raven-haired didn't know what to think about the nurse. Of course he seemed to be nice and trustful, but Yuu couldn't trust him for the moment. So for now, he wouldn't go see him and talk about his personal story with him. 

At the same moment, as the two boys were still in the corridor, Yuu saw Kouyou at the other end of the hallway. The young man seemed to be worried, that's why Yuu didn't hesitate one second and walked to him then grabbed his sleeve when he was in front of the older man. Kouyou seeing the boy standing shyly before him, put a hand in his shoulder length hair and brought him closer to him. 

“Missed me already?” He asked after kissing his hair, laughing. 

The only thing Yuu was able to do after that was to blush. He felt so dumb now to blush so easily. Kouyou had only asked him a question, he had no reason to blush. And in a way, he couldn't remember the last time he'd felt his cheeks burn. It was so so long ago. And now he was hiding his face in Kouyou's sweatshirt, feeling his fingers stroking his hair softly. 

“Oh hello Kouyou!” A deep voice Yuu recognized immediately interrupted his thoughts. “Where were you today? I didn't see you at the session.” 

“I didn't want to come.” 

“Is that so? Your two roommates were there and I guess one of them would've been pleased to have you at the session." 

"I said, I didn't want to come." Taking Yuu's hand in his own, he started walking to their bedroom, but the nurse wasn't finished talking with him. 

"Um Kouyou?" 

"What?!" 

"You seem to be pretty close to Yuu lately." 

"And?" Kouyou asked a bit irritated. 

"You know a relationship in here is impossible. It has no future and you know you won't be able to see him again outside. Don't get too involved." 

The chestnut-haired man opened his mouth to answer back, but said no words, suddenly realizing that the man was right. Even though Kouyou didn't want to leave the boy's side, he wasn't sure if he was going to see him outside. He wasn't sure if there would be something more between them out there. He wasn't sure if an us would exist. He wasn't sure at all and that was scaring him. And when he looked into Yuu's eyes, all he was able to see was complete misunderstanding. He could easily imagine the questions the boy had in his mind right now and he was glad he didn't voice them. Kouyou gave him a reassuring smile and then without even looking at the nurse and Yutaka, went back to their bedroom, Yuu's hand still clutched in his. 

* * *

Warm water was flowing on his pale body as tears were rolling down his cheeks and fell to the shower floor. The boy was trying to be as quiet as possible, knowing that Kouyou was waiting at the other side of the shower door. Under normal circumstances, Yuu would have been able to go alone to the bathroom, but since Takanori's suicide attempt and his own depression, he had to be accompanied by someone. _Of course_ Kouyou had volunteered. 

Earlier on that day, the chestnut-haired man had found Yuu in the garden hidden under the weeping willow, crying and scratching deeply every inch of skin he could reach. He had seen the red nail marks on his neck and arms, the distress and pain in Yuu's eyes. Of course Kouyou had tried to make him talk, he'd wanted to know what had happened to him to put him in such a state. The only words he'd been able to get were _My father came again_. No more, no less. After that, the boy had stood up and went right away to the bathroom. And since that time in the garden, Yuu hadn't said a single word. 

Yuu's father came again after two days of respite for the boy. He had thought that last time would've been the unique time he would see him here. But he had been _so_ wrong. And thinking about the possible other times was making him sick. 

“Yuu... I can hear you cry,” Kouyou said almost whispering while leaning against another shower door and holding in his hands a towel for Yuu's hair. “Talk to me please. I can't stand to hear you cry and not be able to do something.” 

But Yuu never answered. If the boy could scream, he would have screamed so loud his vocal cords would hurt him. All he was feeling inside of him at this precise moment was pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. Again and always pain. Yuu was feeling so broken that he was having dark thoughts once again. Oh yes he would have loved to die right now, in this shower cubicle. He would have loved the pain to stop, but all he could do for the moment was to cry. Cry and listen to Kouyou's concern. Yuu couldn't talk to him, he was feeling too ashamed to do so. And what could he tell him? The truth? That he was devastated and broken? That he couldn't even say a single word because he was too afraid of his reaction, so afraid he would leave him just like his mother did? Yuu didn't want to be abandoned by him. 

When his sobs finally ceased the water was already cold. Yuu weakly dried and dressed himself then pushed the door open. Kouyou was still there, waiting for him to go out of the shower cubicle, and it's when he saw him with his wet hair and red swollen eyes that he rushed over him and hugged him tightly in his arms. 

“I'm here, don't worry nothing is going to hurt you again,” Kouyou whispered in his ear, slowly stroking the back of his neck as the boy grabbed his sweatshirt. “I'm not going to leave you. You'll stay with me and I'll make things better for you. I promise.” 

After his few words the chestnut-haired man dried the tears that still were on the boy's cheeks before kissing his forehead, then put the towel he had in his hands on Yuu's hair. He rubbed them a little, enough so that it won't trickle, without ever looking at something else but Yuu's eyes and smiling to him gently to reassure him. 

Back to their bedroom, which was empty, Kouyou made him sit on his bed then started to dry his hair properly this time. Tears returned to Yuu's eyes and Kouyou wondered what were his thoughts right now to make him cry again. He wanted to know so that he could help him, but he knew that if he asked him the teenager wouldn't answer, but only cry more. And Kouyou didn't want that. He wanted to make him laugh and feel better, not cry. He wanted to see happiness on his lovely face, not sorrow. 

Kouyou stopped drying his hair after long minutes and as he put the towel aside, he saw that one of the white hair extensions had fallen. 

“Oh... I'm sorry Yuu I didn't want to–” 

But what Yuu did next wasn't something Kouyou had expected. The boy looked at the extension with – what seemed to be – disgust in his eyes and then started to tear them one by one. Of course Kouyou hurried to stop him by taking him by his wrists, seeing that the only thing the boy was doing was hurting himself and not removing his extensions. Yuu struggled in his arms, he wanted to remove them so badly – for a reason Kouyou didn't understand – that he was willing to do anything so that the older man let go of his wrists. And the only thing he did best was to beg. 

“Hey calm down, calm down! I'm not going to hurt you!” Kouyou said, raising slightly his voice. “What's happening to you?” 

“Take them off... Let me... please... I'll obey I swear!” 

“Yuu, please calm down. You're worrying me,” He waited until the boy's body stops shaking, hoping that no one heard what was happening in the room. “I'm going to remove them if you don't want them anymore. Look at me,” Yuu was frightened, he could clearly see it. “I'm not going to hurt you.” 

Kouyou then removed them one by one, slowly as he saw Yuu tense every time his hands were near his face and when he was done with it, he carefully took the boy in his arms. Yuu looked like a scared little child with his irregular breathing and the way he was clinging to Kouyou. The chestnut-haired man whispered reassuring words in his ear while rocking him on his lap and holding his shaking body tightly against him. It was clear to Kouyou that his fears and tears were related to his father, again. Before his first coming, Yuu wasn't that terrified. He wasn't shaking and crying all the time before. He didn't look so devastated and his eyes weren't crying for help. But now, it hurt Kouyou to look at the boy and see in which state he was because of the other man. And Kouyou hated him. 

“I'm sorry... I shouldn't have said that... That was a mistake,” Yuu's voice was shaking while he spoke in Kouyou's neck. “Forget it... Please...” 

“Don't worry, I'm not mad at you if it's what is scaring you. But, why did you reacted this way with your extensions?” 

“Don't want to talk about it...” The boy then rested his head on his shoulder, closing his eyes while a single tear came out from his left eye. 

The raven-haired teenager stayed on Kouyou's lap and tried to forget what had just happened. It wasn't Kouyou's fault if he was afraid, the man did nothing wrong to him. What was hurting him was that thing hidden in the dark and which was touching him in his dreams. He could still hear its laughter when he was awake. Feel its hands on his body, its breath in his neck, its lips on his skin,... It was following him whether the boy was asleep or not. 

Whereas Kouyou was always by his side protecting him from that thing. He was soothing him after a nightmare, holding him in his arms when he was afraid, kissing his hair in a comforting way, drying his tears. Kouyou was always there when he needed someone to tell him what he wanted to hear. That everything was going to be alright, that no one would leave him again. 

“Yuu, can I kiss you?” 

The raven-haired nodded without even thinking if it was right or wrong to let him do. Yuu always nodded when he was asked this question, as if he had no choices. As if he was forced to do as he's been told. Like doing things he didn't want to do because he was fearful of repercussions. And even here, even with Kouyou he was afraid to say no. Maybe the thing would come again if he did, and would touch him in ways he didn't want like the other time when they'd spent the night in the bathroom, after Takanori's suicide attempt. But deep inside him Yuu had a feeling Kouyou would never hurt him. No matter what. 

Unfortunately – or fortunately – a knock on the opened door interrupted them. It was a woman dressed in all white, with dark long wavy hair and light eyes, and the smile she had on her lips was heartwarming. But none of them had already seen this woman. 

“Excuse me boys, but do you know where I can find Yuu?” Her voice was soft, neither too high-pitched nor deep. 

“It's me.” 

“Oh hello I'm the substitute nurse. My colleague caught the flu so, here I am!” Even her laugh was melodious and she seemed to be so much nicer than the other nurse Yuu had to see last time. “But let's be serious again, I'd ask you to come with me.” 

“Why?” This time it was Kouyou who spoke, wary of her. 

“I've heard Yuu wasn't feeling well these past days. I just want to make sure that he's alright. I promise it won't be long!” Maybe it was her smile that made Kouyou let the boy go with her, or maybe the way she was acting so nicely. 

In the infirmary the woman made Yuu sit on an examination couch and taking a stethoscope, she started to examine the boy. With her he was somewhat at ease. Because she was nicer with him and seemed to really care about his physical health. When she was smiling at him it was a real smile and not a hypocrite one. 

“Alright, you have a little fever and your throat is a little swollen. Nothing serious don't worry,” She said still smiling. “I'll give you some medicines and you'll be soon back on your feet! But something is bothering me.” 

“W-what?” 

“The scars on your back. How did you get them?” Suddenly the expression on her face became more serious, as if she _knew_. “Some of them seem old, unlike others.” 

“I... I had an accident when I was a kid.” Yuu said avoiding her gaze. 

“Yuu, if someone is hurting you here or if you did them yourself, you have to tell me.” 

“It was an accident...” 

“Is it your roommate who did them?” 

“No!” The boy immediately replied in a panic. How could she imagine that Kouyou was hurting him? She didn't have to know who did them and in what circumstances it happened. No one should know. It was _their_ little secret after all. 

“Ok I'm sorry. I didn't want to judge him if it's what you're thinking. But you have to tell me or another nurse if something is happening,” She then turned her back in order to look for the medicines Yuu needed without realizing that he was glancing at the pair of scissors laid on her desk with eyes full of tears. 

Yuu immediately left the infirmary without even saying a goodbye to her when she gave him the pills. The boy was walking fast, avoiding all the other people around him without looking at them, squeezing his sleeve in his hand as he pushed the doors leading to the garden. 

Today had been a really bad day for the boy, and he knew that if he didn't do something to stop it, other days like that would come. Other tears would flow, other screams would get stuck in his throat, other nightmares would threaten him. If he didn't do something, the thing hidden in the dark would come again and play with him. If he didn't do something he'd get hurt again. And more importantly to him, he would never be able to see his mother again. 

In the garden, hidden under the weeping willow, he could hear the chirping of a bird that hadn't left yet because of the winter that was coming slowly. He could hear some nurses' voice and also footsteps in the distance. The boy could feel the wind freeze him, but at this exact moment Yuu didn't care if he was cold or not. His back against the tree, he took out of his sleeve the pair of scissors he had taken in the infirmary. Yuu looked at it for long minutes while running his right forefinger on its points, feeling its cutting edge on his skin. The boy let his tears running down his cheeks suddenly feeling sorry for his roommates about his own selfishness. But they had to understand that he was doing it for his own safety and not to hurt them. And maybe he would be able to see them all again, in another life and other circumstances. A life in which they wouldn't be mentally ill, a life in which they'd be happy without any fears or tears. 

Yuu closed his eyes and took a deep breath, the scissors against his wrist.


	7. Chapter 7

_“Aoi? Where are you sweetie?”_

_“I'm hiding!” His playful voice was ringing in her ears, a far sound, but he was still in the house. “Come find me!”_

_“All right all right, I'm coming!”_

_The mother went upstairs, knowing exactly where her little boy was hiding. It was the same hideout every time, but she never got tired of it. She loved to play hide and seek with the little boy. It was their moment. A moment where no shouts or crying could be heard. Only laughters._

_“Where is my little sunshine,” She said as she reached into her bedroom. “Hmm, maybe under the bed? Or behind the door?” She was playing the game, looking for Yuu at each place she was saying. And each time she could hear him giggle. “Or maybe, here!”_

_“No you found me!” Yuu laughed as he got out of the wardrobe. “Again again mama!”_

_“No more plays now, mommy needs to talk to you.”_

_“Why?”_

_“Because you're going to spend few days to your uncle.”_

_“Why?”_

_Yuu's mother laughed softly. “Because your mommy has to talk with daddy. And you don't need to hear what we'll be saying.”_

_“Because daddy will shout at you again?”_

_“Maybe yes...”_

_“I don't want to leave you alone, I don't like when daddy screams!” Yuu hugged his mother's legs tightly. His dad was shouting at his mother a lot lately, but Yuu couldn't understand why. His mother was so nice, how could he shout at her?_

_“I know sweetheart, I know. But I'm doing this for your own good so you won't have to hear mommy and daddy's fight.”_

_“Mama?”_

_“Yes Aoi?”_

_“Will you be bleeding again when I come back?”_

_His question left her speechless. She couldn't tell if her husband was going to hit her again after their discussion. She couldn't tell if he was going to stay calm when she would tell him what she'd decided. She couldn't tell if the next few days would go smoothly. And how could her little boy think about that? He was so young, he should be playing and laughing like every other children of his age. Not wondering if his mother would get hurt again._

_She crouched and took him in her arms, whispering that nothing will happen to her. But Yuu wasn't convinced by her words._

_“Let's pack your stuff now. Your uncle will be here soon.”_

_And she was right. Fifteen minutes later, Yuu was running down the stairs to open the front door to his uncle whose lips widened as soon as he saw his nephew._

_“Hello little man! Come give a kiss to your favourite uncle!” The man said as he caught the boy in his arms._

_“But you're my only uncle.”_

_“That's why I'm your favourite,” He laughed while Yuu put a loud kiss on his cheek. “Where's your mother?”_

_“I'm here,' The woman walked down the stairs with Yuu's bag in her hand, smiling. “Thank you so much for taking him with you, again.”_

_“You don't have to thank me. You're my sister, I have to help you. But,” The man stopped talking as if he was thinking of the right words to say. “Are you sure you won't need help?”_

_“Don't worry about me. Yuu, can you wait your uncle in the car?” The two adults then watched the boy go in the vehicle and wave at them. His mother then turned her attention back to her brother. “Look, nothing is going to happen. We will just talk and that's all!”_

_“But you do remember what happened last time you just... talked, right? Reika, your son needs you. Please be careful.”_

_“It won't happen again.”_

_They still talked for a few moments before Yuu's mother accompanied her brother to the car. She told Yuu to be a good boy with his uncle and aunt and that he will see her soon. She then waved at them when the car started._

_Yuu was so happy to see his aunt and cousins again even though he was still dead worried about his mother. He didn't want her to get hurt again. He didn't want her to cry again and hear her beg. All the little boy wished for was to see his mother smile and be happy again. He wanted to have back his happy family._

_At his uncle's house he was pleased to be welcomed by his aunt who was waiting for the both of them at the doorstep, as always. And as soon as she saw him, she hugged him tightly and rushed to go inside the house with her nephew and her husband. On that day, Yuu played a lot with his cousins. He laughed with them, played hide and seek, and even drew with them. The little boy was happy, but at the end of the day when his aunt tucked him in, Yuu started to cry. He cried because he was so worried about his mother, he cried because he wanted to see her, he cried because he was scared something could happen to her. He was scared he wouldn't be able to see his mother again._

_His aunt and uncle had spend long minutes to calm him down and reassure him that nothing would happen to his mother – and the man really hoped it – until the little boy finally fell asleep._

_A few days later when his uncle drove him back home, Yuu rushed to go inside the house – leaving his uncle with his father at the doorstep – while calling his mother. He knocked at the door of her bedroom and waited a few seconds before going in. His mother was lying on her bed, on her right side so that the little boy could only see her back, and she wasn't making a single sound._

_“Mama? Mama I'm home,” He said while walking slowly to the bed. But she didn't answer, nor even looked at him. “Mama it's not funny. Say something!”_

_“What are you doing here Yuu?! Did I not tell you to go to your room?” A deep voice interrupted the little boy as he was about to touch his mother's shoulder._

_“But I-I wanted to say hello to mama and...”_

_“Get out of here.” He looked at the little boy with such anger in his eyes that Yuu was petrified._

_“Daddy...”_

_“Hurry!”_

_Yuu left immediately his parents' bedroom with teary eyes without knowing that his mother wasn't sleeping. Without seeing his mother's bruised face._

* * *

It was the raven-haired's voice that alerted Kouyou. He had been waiting for him, still sat on the boy's bed, and seeing that he was taking some time the older man had started to be worried. And his worries only worsened when he heard Yuu's screams and the agitation in the corridor.

He saw the teenager struggle while two nurses were trying to make him walk. He could see the tears running down his cheeks, he could see the pain in his dark eyes and he could especially see the fresh bandage on his left wrist. Kouyou wondered what had happened. The teenager had been with the substitute nurse so why did he hurt himself? Yuu wasn't feeling well today, he should have stayed with the chestnut-haired man. He would have make him feel better and forget all his worries. Kouyou thought he was the only one to do that, and the only one to have that right. He was the only one to make the boy smile, the only one to know how to soothe him, the only one Yuu needed right now.

“Where are you taking him? What happened?” Kouyou asked as he tried to get closer to the boy.

“We're taking care of your roommate, now go back to your room.”

“But...”

“No buts! Go back to your room there's nothing to see here. Or maybe do you want to be placed in solitary confinement too?” 

“No... No I don't.” 

“Did I make myself clear enough then?” 

“Clear as day.” He answered without taking his eyes off Yuu's body until he couldn't see him anymore, until the door closes on his silhouette. 

Kouyou took a few steps forward. He could still hear Yuu's screams and right now he was so frustrated to not be by his side, frustrated to know Yuu was going to be all alone for an undetermined period. He couldn't be with the boy at the present time, but he would change it. Kouyou only needed to be patient. But for the moment, he didn't want to go back to their bedroom and be alone. 

In another room, after a few dozen minutes, a little boy was shyly standing in front of his two roommates. He was ashamed to be standing before them, ashamed to come back as nothing had happened, ashamed to smile at them even though he wasn't in the mood to laugh. He was so ashamed he'd hurt them again. When he was at the hospital Takanori had always been thinking about these boys. He had missed them so much, but not as much as he was missing his sister. But now he was here again, with them maybe for a long time or maybe not, he wasn't able to tell it. But for the moment, he wanted to cherish the time he could spend with them all. What could happen next was between the hands of Fate. 

“Taka... Is it really you?” 

“Do I look like Santa Claus?” He chuckled nervously while scratching the back of his head. 

“You're a little too young to be Santa Claus.” 

“But you could be one of his elves and make toys!” Yutaka said happily with stars shinning in his eyes. “You would make children so happy! Aki can he be an elf? Can I go with him and visit the toy factory?” 

“Well... If Taka is an elf, he has to ask Santa Claus first. He's the big boss.” 

“Would you do it?” The boy looked so joyful that Takanori couldn't say no to that face. And inside of him he was grateful to them for trying to make him smile sincerely. 

“Yes I could. And I don't think he would say no.” 

“What the hell is all this nonsense?” A voice broke the friendly atmosphere that was between the three boys before his arrival. 

“Taka is an elf Kouyou and he works for Santa Claus!” The teenager said with a big smile on his lips. “And he's going to take me to the toy factory, would you like to come too?” 

“Santa Clause doesn't exist.” 

“I know I... I was just trying to be... nice...” Yutaka whispered his last words, shocked by Kouyou's expression. 

“You? Nice? Oh dear, my ass you were.” The man looked at the teenager in a haughty way. 

“Hey calm down, Yutaka did nothing to you. Takanori is back we were just joking.” 

“Right our little suicidal boy's back! Looks like you failed again.” 

“Kouyou!” Akira shouted frowning his eyebrows as he stood up and took the little boy in his arms. “How dare you say that to him? What's wrong with you?!” 

“What's wrong with me? Everything's fine! You're the one putting the blame on me, always!” What was he doing? Why this outburst of anger? Why now? Kouyou had nothing against his roommates, he didn't understand why he was so cold with them. But the words kept coming out of his mouth. “You're acting like you were my mother. You're the one telling me what I should be doing or not. You're the one throwing at my face your little happiness with this sick sadistic.” He pointed at Yutaka while speaking. 

The teenager was still shocked by Kouyou's words and now those new words were hurting him. “Why... Why are you so mean? I didn't do anything to you...” 

“Oh no you didn't, but you hurt people and no matter how much time you'll spend in here, you will always hurt people. Because you're still the same sick little kid you were at your arrival.” 

“Enough!” A scared little boy screamed, tears running down his cheeks as he faced the chestnut-haired. “Enough Kouyou... Stop it... You're hurting us, but... but can't you see you're hurting yourself as well? Can't you see that lashing out at us won't take your problems away?!” 

“What's happening here?” A few nurses were now at the doorstep, looking at each one of them with suspicious eyes. “Can one of you explain us what's the problem, why we can hear you shout at the other end of the corridor?” 

“It's none of your business.” 

“Kouyou, go outside and take a walk. You need to calm down.” 

“I _am_ calm!” 

“It's either you go outside or we will use the strong way to calm you down.” A male nurse spoke while he took a few steps towards him. “Do you understand me?” 

“Fine fine! I don't need your injection!” And he left the room without a single glance to his roommates. 

“Is everybody alright?” 

“Yes... Yes we are,” Akira said with a sad smile on his lips. “He didn't do anything to us. Physically I mean.” 

“Do we need to examine you?” 

“No. I'm taking care of them.” 

“Alright, but if you need to talk let us know.” 

“And before we're leaving,” A woman with short hair added. “Yuu's not going to come back for a few days. Maybe a week.” 

_Oh_. That explained a lot. Akira now understood Kouyou's outburst. It had to have a link with the raven. Kouyou had been so sensitive since the teenager came here, plus he'd mentioned this little happiness with Yutaka. But he was wrong and blinded by his anger. Akira didn't have a happiness with the boy. At least not the kind he wanted. 

The nurses then left them alone, in silence. Takanori had stopped crying for a short moment now and was sitting next to Yutaka on the teenager's bed. Yutaka wasn't showing it, but he was on the verge of crying. Kouyou's words were still resonating in his mind like a broken record, and the fact that those words were true hurt him a little more than he already was. It was not his fault he was like that. Not his fault at all. 

“Yutaka, stop thinking about what he said. You're hurting yourself,” Akira said to him as he crouched in front of the boy and took both of his hands in his own. “And don't tell me you're not doing it. I know you well now.” 

“But... He's right... The only thing I'm able to do is hurting people.” 

“He's not. Stop it now.” 

“You weren't even there...” 

Akira sighed, squeezing his hands a little more. “Alright I'll go talk to him. Taka...” 

“I'm fine," The boy cut him off. “You can go without worrying, I stay with Yutaka.” 

“I'll be right back.” He left them as soon as he said it. 

Yutaka watched him leave with tears in his eyes, tears he couldn't hold back any longer. It wasn't his fault he had become a monster, it wasn't his fault his mother did all these awful things to him. He was just a little boy at that time, a little boy who only wanted to be loved by his mother. He was craving for maternal love, not psychological and slightly physical mistreatments. 

And as he was crying Takanori put a hand on his shoulder, trying to make him understand that he was by his side if he needed him. Takanori was young, but he was trying his best to comfort the other boy as it was the first time after all the time he'd spend in here that he was able to see him cry. The teenager didn't talk to him, but kept crying until he let his head fall on Takanori's thighs. He could feel his fingers in his hair brushing them shyly, and that was the kind of gestures Yutaka was craving for. Sweet and nice gestures. He wasn't asking for more, just some kindness. 

He wasn't asking Akira for more too. It was enough for the boy to spend some precious moments in his arms when they were alone, it was enough for him to be close to him and laugh with him. It was enough for him to feel safe with the man. Even though, deep inside of him he was hoping for a little more. But he was mentally so sick he already knew he couldn't get what he wanted. Because he was hurting people like Kouyou said, and one of these day he knew he would end up hurting Akira. 

* * *

It didn't take long to Akira to find the other man in the garden. He couldn't miss him. He couldn't miss the few nurses that were watching him from afar, he couldn't miss the way Kouyou was looking back at them with still this anger in the eyes. And more precisely, he couldn't miss his voice, his words he was saying to the nurses. Kouyou was begging them to leave him alone. 

The blond-haired man walked to him, letting the nurses know that everything was alright, and then put calmly a hand on one of his shoulders. And when Kouyou looked at him – with eyes widen in shock – his only reaction was to lay his head on Akira's shoulder while his roommate was taking him in his arms. He could feel him shiver and the way he was holding his sweater between his fingers made him soon noticed that he was crying. 

“It's alright Kouyou calm down. No one got injured,” Akira told him as he hugged him tightly. “Stop crying now, they're fine.” 

“What did I do Aki? I've said awful things to them... I didn't mean them! I am so sorry...” 

“It's about Yuu, that's why you were like that back there. Am I right?” 

Kouyou let out a faint laugh as he let his friend go. “It couldn't be about someone else...” 

“Tell me what happened.” 

And Kouyou told him everything. The moment he'd spent with him in the bathroom, Yuu's attempts to rip off his white extensions, the kiss they'd almost shared, the substitute nurse taking Yuu with her, Yuu's screams, Yuu's injured wrist, Yuu locked in another room. Yuu, Yuu, and Yuu again. He told him everything about the raven-haired teenager, but not a single thing about how he felt during all these moments. 

“They didn't let me see him and I got angry. But it doesn't excuse my behaviour towards the three of you.” 

“What are you going to do now?” 

“Apologize first. None of you deserved what I said. I'm... I am sorry...” 

“It's ok for me, but you know how Yutaka and Takanori are. They're still young and thus more sensitive than we can be.” 

“I know...” Oh yes he knew. And he also knew that the two boys will fear him again. Like that time when they'd first met each other. Kouyou had been so cold with everyone during the first weeks and every time he had a new roommate. 

“And for Yuu?” The blond asked as they were walking away from the nurses, he didn't want them to hear them talk about this next topic. 

“What do you mean?” 

“Oh come on, don't tell me you haven't thought about going to his prison this night.” 

“You're imagining things.” 

“Kouyou, we all did it. And you can't spend one single minute without him otherwise you start to worry.” 

Kouyou's silence was his only answer. 

* * *

He had never thought their answer to his apologizes would hurt that much. Literally. Kouyou was standing in the middle of the bedroom – eyes widen in surprise and a hand on his now red cheek – as Yutaka was calling him names the teenager had never dared to say to him before. Selfish. Coward. Asshole. Heartless. He was telling him what was on his mind concerning the man before him. As for Takanori, he feared that Yutaka's words would drive Kouyou so mad he would end up killing him. But he did nothing of that. Instead, Kouyou laughed and asked him if he was feeling better now, and when the brunet almost shouted a big yes, he knew his apologizes were accepted by the both of them. Even though he was still concerned about the fact that they could fear him again and at any time. 

Kouyou had been waiting for two hours after the curfew when he left the room and after that Akira told him to be careful in the corridors. Oh the room where Yuu was locked in wasn't that far from their own bedroom. Kouyou just hoped no one was watching the room and luckily for him, he saw no nurses in the corridor and the door hadn't been locked. The man was really doubting about the organization of this hospital... 

The room was in the dark – as expected since there was no window to let the moon light in – when he got inside without making a single noise. He couldn't see the teenager which made him ask himself if he wasn't in the wrong room. But as soon as he heard a voice sing a lullaby, his doubts vanished. 

“Twinkle twinkle... little star... How I wonder... what you... are...” 

Kouyou knew this lullaby, but couldn't understand why Yuu was only singing the first verses and kept saying only these words. “Up above the world so high, like a diamond in the sky.” He sang while slowly walking closer to the boy and tried to not bump into a wall. 

“Who's there?” The raven asked finally with fear in his voice when he felt the mattress sink down beside him. “Who's there?” 

“It's me, Kouyou.” 

“You're not real... I'm all alone... You're only in my head...” 

“I am real. And I'm sitting next to you,” He whispered as he put a hand on Yuu's cheek, noticing as he did that the boy was laying on his back. “See? I'm right here with you.” 

He thought the teenager would sat on the bed and shyly snuggle against him, but the only thing he could hear were metallic noises. His hand ran over his shoulder, arm, and on his wrist where he could feel a strap. _They tied him up_ , he thought. Kouyou squeezed his hand between his fingers, smiling when he felt Yuu's hand holding his tightly, and caressed his forehead lovingly. 

“Why did you hurt yourself?” Of course Yuu didn't answer, he should have known. The teenager was only squeezing his hand harder and drawing circles with his thumb on his skin. “Yuu, what happened?” 

“Untie me. Please.” 

Kouyou thought about it for some minutes. Wouldn't he try to hurt himself again if he did as he was asking? But in a way, he couldn't let the boy like that, that's why after another please from Yuu he removed the straps from both his wrists. The teenager immediately put his arms around Kouyou's shoulders and hugged him as tight as he could. Of course the chestnut-haired reciprocated the embrace, letting his fingers go through his dark hair and even put his lips on Yuu's shoulder into a soft kiss and smiled when he felt the boy slightly shiver after his kiss. Kouyou also untied his ankles after Yuu had informed him that they were tied too. He kept the boy close to him and carried on kissing his shoulder and neck from time to time when he noticed the raven wasn't saying a single thing about it. 

“Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder... what you are...” Yuu started to sing again, softly enough so that no one outside of the room would hear him. 

“When the blazing sun is gone, when he nothing shines upon.” 

“Then you show your little light... Twinkle twinkle all the night...” 

“Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are.” 

They sang together the whole lullaby until the moment Yuu falls asleep. Kouyou stayed with him for some hours, rocked him in his sleep and even soothed him when he woke up and called for him. Unfortunately for the both of them, Kouyou had to leave the room and a still sleeping Yuu in this darkness. He carefully tied him up again even though it was breaking his heart to do so, kissed his temple and then left. 

On the second night when Kouyou went back to Yuu's room, he could hear him cry and pull on the straps. That night the man had spent long minutes to calm him down and reassure him that he wasn't going to let him alone in the dark again and with the thing. That it wasn't going to hurt him. He was there with him and Yuu shouldn't be afraid. On that second night it had been so tempting, _too_ tempting, that Kouyou'd kissed the boy over and over again. And Yuu had never said no, not once. He had let him kiss and suck his lips, his jaw and let him mark his neck. At a time, Kouyou had thought the teenager had been asking for more, but maybe had he been just imagining things? 

On the third night, Kouyou had heard well those words. Yuu had been asking, _pleading_ for Kouyou's lips on his skin. He wasn't sure what was going on in Yuu's mind, wasn't sure if he had the right, but he did it anyway. The chestnut-haired had kissed him and hugged him with so much love that night, that he'd never thought he was capable of it. This third night had only been fond and gentle gestures between the two of them. Light caresses, passionate kisses, reassuring words, it was everything Yuu had always needed. Tenderness. 

But on the fourth night, Kouyou had gone too far. On that night, the teenager's breath on his neck and his little whimpers had aroused him. He had let his fingers wander under the pyjama pants to stroke the boy's thin hip, he had bitten his neck harder only to leave a beautiful purple mark on his skin, he'd let his hands on Yuu's thighs thus removing the night garment and while he did all the last things, Kouyou hadn't noticed that Yuu was petrified. It was only when he'd started to fondle his crotch that the boy had started to beg him. Kouyou had been caught by surprise when he'd heard Yuu's voice. He'd never thought what he was doing would frighten the boy so much. He'd never thought his gestures would hurt him. He'd never thought his apologizes and sweet kisses would have no longer any effects on Yuu. He'd never imagined Yuu would be struggling in his arms that night and begging him not to touch him. He'd never imagined Yuu would asked him to leave the room. And he surely had never imagined he would let the boy cry alone. 

In the dim moon light the first thing Akira noticed when Kouyou came back was the expression on his face. The chestnut-haired looked so heartbroken that the other man started to fear something bad had happened. 

“What's wrong Kouyou?” He whispered as the two teenagers were sleeping. 

“I screwed things up Aki... I shouldn't have gone there tonight...” 

“You're starting to scare me,” He then waited that the other man was on his own bed to speak again. “What did you do there?” 

“I... I've touched him... I've touched him in a way I should never had...” Kouyou did a short break, smiling faintly to the blond before deeply sighing. “I've scared him so much, and now? He's crying... _I_ made him cry. Yutaka was right, I'm such an asshole...” 

“You went a bit too far, do you remember what I told you?” 

“Yeah and you don't need to say it again.” 

“But that doesn't mean you're an asshole. You have to make up for it and this time, don't screw it up!” 

Kouyou laughed softly. “Thanks Aki.” 

“No need to thanks me! Now, we have to sleep.” 

But Kouyou wasn't able to sleep that night, because he was worrying too much for Yuu. Was he still crying? Was he sleeping now? And most important of all questions, was he feeling well now? He had so many questions in his mind right now, and he hadn't the answer to a single one of them. 

* * *

Kouyou was sitting in the common room, peacefully playing a piece of music on the guitar. He was still thinking about the last night and had clearly planned to go back to the teenager this night. He had to make up for what he did. He had to make sure Yuu wasn't scared of him. He had to make sure the tenderness between them wouldn't vanish. Kouyou made a mistake last night, and he was already regretting it. 

The man was so focused on his play that he didn't noticed Takanori sitting beside him and rocking his head from side to side as he was listening to the music. It was rare for the little boy to hear Kouyou play, but he was always feeling happy whenever he could hear the musical notes. He stayed next to the man, enjoying the noise as Kouyou never told him to go away, and it's only at the end of the piece of music that the man noticed someone had listened to him with great pleasure. 

But his attention was quickly drawn by rushed footsteps. A nurse was rushing towards another adult outside the common room, someone Kouyou had already seen. _Again?!_ Kouyou then understood he was here for Yuu. The chestnut-haired was looking at the man with a stern look, his hands clenched on the guitar, and when their eyes met Kouyou was looking at that man with so much anger that it only made Yuu's father's lips widen in a sly smile. The last thing he could see was the two adults heading towards the stairs leading to the first floor, and to Yuu. 

“What's wrong Kouyou?” Takanori asked at the same time Kouyou stood up without even realising it. 

“Nothing. I'm fine.” 

“Do you know him?” 

“Unfortunately yes... He's Yuu's father.” 

“He looks scary. I don't like him...” 

Kouyou looked at the boy and noticed that he indeed seemed to be scared, so he put the guitar on the table and gently stroked the back of Takanori's head, smiling kindly to him. “Me neither Taka. Me neither.”


	8. Chapter 8

“Stay here Taka, I have something to do.” 

They'd talked together for a short time about Yuu and his father, and on the fact that they both agreed he wasn't a man you could trust. He appeared to be cold and contemptuous, it was really odd for Kouyou to have such a bad impression of that man who was supposed to be a father. He was supposed to appear protective and trustworthy, supposed to have been smiling at them the same way you do when you meet someone for the first time. But that man was nothing of that. For both Kouyou and Takanori he looked like a monster, the same kind of monster that lurked in the darkness and waited for children to be asleep to torment them. The same kind that always left deep marks on their body. 

Kouyou walked out of the common room and rushed right away to the first floor. He was tempted to stay in front of the door of the room where Yuu was locked in and maybe hear something, whatever it could be. He only wanted to know if the boy was doing well or not. But what he'd intended to do involved the other end of the corridor. He knocked a few time on the door, hoping she was still there, then stepped in the infirmary when he heard the nurse's voice give him the permission. But Kouyou hadn't expected her to be with someone, and in that case another nurse. 

“I'm sorry if I come at the wrong time, but I need to talk to you. In private if it's possible.” 

“Is everything alright Kouyou?” 

“Please, I need to talk to your colleague. It's important.” 

“It's ok, you can leave.” She said to the other nurse, smiling at her. 

“Alright... But I leave the door open!” 

“I'm... not going to assault you or... whatever she could be thinking.” Kouyou said when she'd left the infirmary. 

“I know. You're Yuu's roommate, right?” 

“I am. It's about him I want to talk.” 

“Go on,” The woman gestured him politely to take a seat in front of the desk. “What happened?” 

“I don't know! I mean... you know maybe that he's been placed in solitary confinement some days ago and... he was with you and... and I just want to know what urged him to hurt himself!” 

“All I can say to you is that I gave him some medicines and he left right after.” 

“Did he tell you something?” 

“Doctor-patient confidentiality. I'm sorry.” 

“Oh... It's just that I'm... I'm concerned about his well-being since...” 

“Since what Kouyou? You can tell me.” 

Could he really? Could he really share with her all his questions and impressions? Would she take him seriously? “Since the first time Yuu's father came here.” He didn't know what impacts would this insinuation have, but he was ready for the consequences. “I know I'm not in a good position to judge him, but I just have a nasty feeling about that man.” 

The nurse remained silent for some minutes as if she was thinking about something, something important, something that would explain what she'd seen on the boy. “What do you mean by that? Is there something else you want to tell me?” 

“I think horrible things happened to Yuu before... Involving his father.” 

“You're aware that these are heavy charges and we can do nothing without proof.” 

“I know...” 

“I've heard you're pretty close to him. Did you notice something or did he tell you something that could confirm your suspicions?” 

Kouyou told him about every time he'd heard the boy begging him, telling him he was sorry even though Kouyou was sure that he wasn't apologizing to him. He told him about some words he'd heard Yuu saying, words like _I'll obey I swear_ , _not this time_ or _don't touch me_. And of course he didn't forget to mention the thing and how scared the raven was since his father's first arrival. It was just assumptions, but Kouyou hoped she would do something. 

“I'll see what I can do, but we will have to talk to him and his father too. Can I ask you to not worry too much and concentrate on your own recovery?” 

“I'll try.” 

“Thank you, you can leave now.” She told him with the same smile she always had on her lips. 

In the corridor, the chestnut-haired had to go past Yuu's room to get back in their own, and it was at that moment that his father got out of it. He was slightly taller than him, with short dark hair and broad shoulders. Kouyou could see a little bit of Yuu's features on this man. They had the same jaw, the same nose maybe too, but that was all. They faced each other for a few seconds, Kouyou watching the man with furrowed eyebrows and him with that same sly smile as earlier. Yuu's father was looking at him from head to toe, making him slightly feel uncomfortable, as if he was trying to check something. 

He then started to laugh softly before taking a few steps towards Kouyou. “That's a nice hickey you gave to my son. What's your name again?” 

“I don't think my name is so important to you.” 

“All right mister I-fear-no-one, the next time I come here it would be better for you that I don't see any other love bites on my son's body. Am I clear?” 

“At least, _I_ am not hurting him... If you catch my drift.” 

“I have no idea what you're talking about. Listen you little...” 

“Is there a problem mister Shiroyama?” A nurse asked as he was coming closer to them. 

“No, everything's fine. Isn't it, _Kouyou_?” He knew his name, but what was on Kouyou's mind was in which circumstances he got it. If his suspicions about the man were right, he'd maybe had to use the strong way. The more he was looking at the man, the more if was worried about Yuu right now. 

“Yeah. I was about to go back to my bedroom when I saw Yuu's father. I only wanted to be polite and say 'hello'.” 

“That's nice of you, go back to your room now. Mister Shiroyama, can I accompany you to the exit?” 

“With pleasure.” 

They didn't break eye contact for a few seconds and then Kouyou watched him leave with eyes full of anger. He couldn't trust that man, couldn't believe he'd been acting as if he knew nothing. Pretending to be a caring and loving father whereas Kouyou knew he wasn't a single thing of that. He was maybe able to trick the caregivers, but not him. The chestnut-haired wasn't blind and after this encounter, he knew he'd done horrible things to his son. 

Kouyou didn't go back to his bedroom right away, as the nurse told him. Instead, he stayed before the door and put his forehead against it. 

“Yuu can you hear me? Are you alright?” He listened carefully in hopes of hearing the boy's voice. But all he could hear were sobs. “I... I'm sorry for last night, I didn't want to hurt you. That was not my intention at all, you have to believe me! I'm just... so scared I might lose you because of what I did... Please don't be afraid of me.” Kouyou made a short break, checking if no nurses were coming here, and sighed deeply before speaking again. “I'm coming back tonight so don't worry. And... I can't leave you alone. Wait for me.” 

It's unwillingly that the man left the door without even hearing Yuu beg him to help him. Without even hearing his broken voice. 

* * *

Kouyou had been gone for a long moment when Yuu opened his eyes again. He'd hoped his crying would tire him enough to sleep, but no. He hadn't been able to sleep, even for a few minutes because when he closed his eyes, his mind would remind him his hands touching him roughly and his lips kissing him. Those pictures in his mind were still following him and torturing him. All he wanted at this exact moment was to be in Kouyou's arms and hear his soothing words whispered in his ears. The teenager knew he didn't intend to hurt him last night, he knew it but he was scared. So scared the chestnut-haired might snap again, so scared he would yell at him if he told him his fears, so scared he might hit him. 

A knock on the door brought him back to reality and he sincerely hoped it was Kouyou who came back, and not another nurse who would tell him someone's going to see him. But his hopes vanished as soon as he saw a white meal tray in the nurse hand. 

“It's lunchtime Yuu, I hope you're hungry!” The man said, putting his meal next to him and Yuu slowly sat when the nurse removed the straps from his wrists and ankles. “It'll be easier like that right?” 

“I'm not hungry,” He answered as he pushed the tray away. “You can take it back...” 

“Yuu you have to eat, and take your medication too. I won't leave that room until you've eaten.” 

The teenager looked at him with a pained expression on his face then swallowed the two pills with some difficulties. It was harder for him to eat now even if it was only few bites, but he forced himself. He could already feel nauseous, feel a lump in his throat and cold shivers running down his spine. 

“Your psychologist is coming this afternoon. Apparently, she and another nurse want to talk to you.” 

“Did I do something wrong?” 

“Except hurting yourself? No.” He stayed with the boy a little more then left the room without tying him up again, telling him it was no use now. 

Once again Yuu was left alone with his thoughts. He was wondering why his psychologist was coming and what was the thing they wanted to talk with him about, even if he already had an idea. It's been a little while since he had seen her, and he wasn't going to change his good habits, but who knows, maybe today was the day things were going to change. The raven-haired weakly stood up with his pillow in his arms and sat in a corner of the room, waiting for them to come. 

She still had that kindness in her eyes, the same smile as he remembered on her lips, and that aura Yuu really liked. She was looking just like the last time he'd seen her. 

“Long time no see Yuu.” She said while sitting on the bed in front of the boy. 

“Yes...” 

“How do you feel?” 

“Weak and... exhausted.” 

“And what about your nightmares, do you still have them?” 

“Only when I'm alone...” 

She smiled at him again before telling to the nurse to sit down next to her. “Yuu, I've been called by the hospital because you might be hiding something really important from us.” 

“I... I'm not hiding anything!” 

“Yuu do you remember me?” The other woman asked him with a calm voice. “I'm the nurse who took care of you few days ago.” 

The raven-haired looked away as he remembered their conversation. If it was about that they wanted to talk, Yuu had already told her the reason of his scars. She didn't have to know it was a lie. 

“Well, one of your roommates feels worried for you and he told me things this morning. Things that made me think.” Yuu could feel his stomach ache because of the fear and stress. “Are you sure you told me the truth about the scars on your back?” 

“I did! I did tell you that I had an accident when I was a kid!” 

“But you never told me about any accident,” His psychologist continued calmly, none of both women wanted to scare him. “Yuu tell us what really happened.” 

“It _is_ the truth!” Yuu could feel his eyes filled with tears. He was in two minds here, it was either he told them the truth and they would believe him, or he would keep it secret because the boy was too afraid no one would believe that fact. Even though the nurse was telling him she had more or less some proofs. He was still uncertain of what he had to do. “Why won't you believe me?” 

“Has your father ever had gestures of a sexual nature towards you?” 

“No... No... It never happened...” He told them while crying and hiding his face in the pillow. “Leave me alone now, I don't want to answer any more questions...” 

The women tried to talk to him more, but it was no use. Yuu refused to say another word to them. They then left the room and the boy who started to cry all the tears he had. 

“So, what do you think about it?” The nurse asked Yuu's psychologist as they were speaking to each other in the corridor. 

“He's covering up someone, and he's scared. And those scars?” 

“Some seemed to have been done recently. In my opinion those are signs of abuse.” 

“Hum... That would explain a lot I've already noticed before his hospitalisation.” 

“What do you suggest?” 

“We need to hear his father's side of the story.” 

* * *

When Kouyou got into the room that night, he was surprised to hear Yuu call his name. He sounded so broken, so desperate that it upset him. The chestnut-haired didn't know what to do more for him. He didn't know if his presence was enough for Yuu, if his soothing words had really an effect on him. He had no idea. Kouyou walked to Yuu's bed but stopped midway when he noticed the boy wasn't in his bed, but sitting on the floor against it. He crouched beside him and when Yuu felt an arm around his shoulders, he immediately snuggled against his chest and cried more. Kouyou hugged him tightly and breathed in his scent. 

“Were you having a nightmare?” 

“No... It's not that...” 

“Then what is it?” 

“Nothing important...” 

“It had to be important enough to make you cry. Tell me.” 

“Don't be like them... Please stop asking me questions...” 

“Alright,” Kouyou sighed as he kissed the top of his head. “I'm sorry. And I'm sorry again, for what I did to you...” 

They stayed silent for some minutes during which the chestnut-haired man sat on the bed with Yuu on his lap and his arms around his frail body. The teenager had closed his eyes when he'd felt fingers gently run through his hair and lips on his forehead. He could have fall asleep just like that and right now, but he remembered something. Something that had put in his mind a few questions. 

“Kouyou...” 

“Hmm?” 

“Are you really scared that you... might lose me?” Yuu asked feeling again a lump in his throat. He couldn't tell if Kouyou had been serious this morning or not. He couldn't tell if he was lying or not, playing with him or not. 

“Of course I am, don't doubt what I'm telling you.” The man hugged him more and this made the teenager laugh with a tint of sadness. 

“I'm trying... It's not easy.” 

“I've met your father today,” Kouyou said out of the blue. Did Yuu understand correctly? He met his father? “And I know he did something to you. Something bad, something you won't tell anyone.” 

“He did nothing to me.” 

“Yuu...” 

“My dad did nothing to me! How many times am I going to have to say the same thing?!” His words contradicted with his gestures. The boy was saying that his father did nothing, but the way he was clinging on Kouyou and the fact that he could hear this huge sadness in his voice as he was speaking made the man doubt even more if he was telling the truth. “My father raised me... He didn't do anything to me...” 

“Yuu, why won't you just tell us the truth?” 

“Because I'm already doing it! Stop it now... or leave.” 

But in fact Yuu didn't want him to leave. He wanted that Kouyou keep hugging him and kissing him because when it was with the chestnut-haired, Yuu was feeling so reassured and protected. He was feeling things he'd never felt before, things that were completely new to him, unknown things that were scaring him. But it was alright as long as Kouyou was with him, wasn't it? 

In the dark, Yuu put shyly a hand on one of Kouyou's cheek feeling him smile as he was doing so. The boy was shaking like a leaf as he was looking for the man's lips – and inside him he thanked the dimly lit room because he could feel his cheeks burn – then tenderly kissed the corner of his mouth like it was the first time. 

* * *

Few days quickly went by when Yuu's father came back to the hospital. Kouyou had seen him again in the corridor near Yuu's room and he was wondering why the man was lead to the infirmary. _Did they finally discover everything?_ , he thought. Kouyou was sure he had something to do with Yuu's mental state, but most of all he had no doubt the teenager had been physically abused by his own father. That would explain a lot and maybe even everything concerning him. 

As soon as Yuu's father got in the infirmary, a nurse went out of it and immediately rushed to Yuu's room. The male nurse stayed with the teenager for a few minutes and when the door opened again, Kouyou could see Yuu watch him with pleading eyes. Eyes that were screaming _Help me!_. He would have loved to do something for the boy, but the nurse interrupted him before he could make any moves. 

“What are you still doing here Kouyou? It's lunchtime.” 

“I just wanted to know when Yuu would be back with us.” 

“Today, but I have first to take him to the infirmary.” 

“And why?” 

“That's none of your concern. Now go to the canteen.” 

“But...” 

“Obey!” 

But Kouyou didn't obey right away. He looked at the nurse taking Yuu away from him and at the boy who was still pleading him with those teary eyes. And before they got in the infirmary Kouyou could lip-read Yuu's inaudible _please_ s. Once again he was with his father. Once again he was pleading. Once again he would be crying. Kouyou could already imagine his screams and his body shaking like a leaf. But at the moment, there was nothing he could do but wait. 

At the canteen, Kouyou went to sit alone at that table in the back of the room near the table restricted to the anorexics patients. Of course he wasn't the only one to sit alone at a table, no, some other patients had been isolated like that too. None of them weren't really dangerous for the others, but the nursing staff had decided to isolate them during lunch. Kouyou saw his roommates sitting not far away from him and Akira sending him a questioning look that he just shrug off. What could he tell him more than what he already had this morning? The only new thing was that Yuu was coming back today. 

And the boy soon came in the canteen. With a nurse by his side that was helping him walk, he was looking even more fragile and breakable like that. And it was only now that Kouyou noticed the bags under his eyes and his hollow cheeks. He looked so weak, so destroyed, so... _dead_ that the man had only one wish at this moment, and it was to take him in his arms and whisper that he would make things better for him. He would do everything in his power to just make him truly happy. But the only thing he could do right now was to look at Yuu's back while the nurses were giving them their plate one by one. 

As expected, Yuu wasn't touching at his meal. He was looking at the food in his plate, slightly rocking his head from side to side while whispering the Twinkle twinkle little star lullaby. Yuu could hear the blond in front of him asking him to eat even if it was only one mouthful, and he knew that Akira wasn't doing this to hurt him. The man just didn't want to see another nurse pressure him to eat. But Yuu didn't listen to Akira and instead stood up while taking his plate in his hands. His dark eyes darted around the room looking for Kouyou and as soon as he saw him, he walked to his table. 

“Yuu, go back to your table. Go back to Akira.” Even if Kouyou was so happy to see him in front of him, Yuu shouldn't be standing like that. Because he wasn't doing any good to them he had to be isolated, like they always said. 

“Don't want...” 

“Yuu please, listen to me.” 

“No...” And he sat down in front of the man with that sad expression he had on his face since he came in the canteen. 

The nurses who were here in the canteen started to be on guard. Kouyou could snap again, no matter what kind of relationship they were having. And in this case, he couldn't tell the difference between what was true and what was happening in his head. Kouyou lashing out at Yuu was a possibility they couldn't ignore. They were now ready to intervene if Kouyou would say or do something against the teenager. 

“You should eat a little, you know they'll force you otherwise.” 

“You would never hurt me, right?” 

“Why this question now? Of course I never would! Why are you thinking I'd hurt you?” 

“I can stay with you then so... Don't worry about me.” 

Kouyou sighed and took one of his hands. “Yuu look at me, what happened in the infirmary?” 

“Don't worry about me...” 

No nurses had to intervene during lunchtime that day and no one had to force the teenager to eat. 

* * *

Yuu was laying on his bed with his pillow in his arms when Kouyou came back to their bedroom in the late afternoon, and as the man walked to the bed he noticed that Yuu had fallen asleep. He was looking so peaceful like that that it made Kouyou smile. Yuu needed to sleep, he needed to get some minutes of respite and with Kouyou beside him, he was sure to get them. Kouyou carefully sat next to the boy and started to stroke his strands of hair, not wanting to wake him up. He was looking at him with something alike to love in his eyes and a smile on his lips, and Akira – who was sitting on his own bed – saw all of this. He had nothing against their relationship now, as long as Kouyou promised him to be careful. He was in fact glad for them. Glad he could see Kouyou smile again, glad Yuu had someone to rely on and someone who was supporting him. Like that, the time they were spending here was less difficult. But that was what he thought. Akira wasn't aware of what was happening to the raven. 

Yuu slowly opened his eyes when he felt someone kissing his temple and a hand on his hip. He couldn't remember to have fallen asleep and wondered since how long he'd been sleeping. It felt to him like hours, but in fact it was just a few minutes. The teenager stretched a little, feeling his spine crack, and accidentally laid a hand on Kouyou's thigh when he try to sit correctly. 

“Oh... Sorry,” He said while snuggling against Kouyou, his body between the man's leg. Yuu was still tired and thank to this tiredness, his shyness had been put aside. In no other way the boy would have been so cuddly with someone. “Where are everyone else?” 

“I'm still here Yuu,” Akira answered with a laugh. “Well, Takanori's outside in the garden and Yutaka had to go to that group therapy session. I think he wanted to go with you but was hesitant to ask you.” 

“I'm not going...” 

“No one is forcing you to go,” Kouyou reassured him. “Anyway, I brought you what you'd asked.” He then gave him some sheets of paper and pencils. “You wanted to draw, remember? The nurse gave me that notebook too, she said it'll be easier for you. Just put the paper on it.” 

But Yuu didn't draw and instead put the pencil back in his hand. “Draw.” 

“Me?” 

“No the wall... Of course you, dummy!” 

“Shut your mouth Aki!” The two men laugh a little with each other before Kouyou draw his attention back to Yuu. “Alright I'll try.” 

Kouyou wasn't as good as Yuu in drawing, but tried to do something anyway. He wanted to please him so that's why he draw on this piece of paper while holding the boy close to him with his free hand. It didn't take too long for the man to finish the drawing. A duckling. That was all Kouyou was able to draw. He gave the pencil back to Yuu and watched him draw as he hugged him tighter. 

Yuu was focused on what he was doing. He was so focused he didn't even feel Kouyou's lips on his neck and shoulder. When he was drawing it was like everything around him wasn't real. The boy was in his own universe, his little bubble, far away from his concerns. Nothing else mattered when he was drawing. 

Yuu looked at Kouyou as soon as he was finished with it, his cheeks slightly tinted in pink. 

“That's cute,” He said as he was looking at the paper. Yuu drew a kitten which was playing with a wool ball whereas Kouyou's duckling was snuggled against the other animal. In a way it reminded him of them and how Yuu had been looking for Kouyou's hugs a little more lately. “That's really cute. As cute as you.” He whispered his last words in his ear, making the teenager blush even more, before kissing his cheek. 

It was at that moment that a deep throat clearing interrupted the chestnut-haired in his attempt to kiss Yuu more. Kouyou could feel his blood boil when he saw who was standing in front of them. 

“Kouyou, can you let Yuu go now? He has to come with us, we need to finish what we've begun this morning at the infirmary, do you remember Yuu?” 

“He's not going anywhere. At least not with him.” 

“It's alright Kouyou... I'm coming...” Yuu said putting the man's arms away from his shaking body. 

Kouyou had no other choice but to let the boy leave with the nurse and his father. Once again he couldn't do a single thing to prevent the boy to be hurt. Once again he was feeling so useless, so upset, so angry at that man and at himself. He should have done something, but what could he do when they were locked in that hospital? He had no authority, no right over the boy. He could do nothing for him but only reassure him and make him promises he wasn't sure anymore he could keep when Yuu was coming back crying. 

“So, that was his father?” 

“Yeah.” He answered gritting his teeth. 

“He looks like the kind of man you don't want to get in trouble with.” 

“You have no idea what he did to Yuu.” 

“And you? Are you sure of what you're saying?” 

“It popped into my mind some times ago and the more time I spend with Yuu, the more I'm sure of it. I'm sure he abused his own son Aki.” 

“But... That can't be possible I mean... He's his father!” 

“A rapist doesn't care if you have a family relationship or not.” 

After that Akira didn't know what to say. If Kouyou was right, what was he doing here? Did the hospital not know about that fact? And Yuu, why was he acting like nothing happened? To think about it was giving the blond a headache. If Kouyou was right, how could a whole hospital be so blind? But now, he was understanding Kouyou's anger more. If something like that would happened to Yutaka, he would go find the bastard and kill him with bare hands. 

Fifteen minutes went by, maybe even thirty – during which Akira had to beg Kouyou to stay calm – when Yuu came back in the room with tears running down his cheeks. It didn't took long for the chestnut-haired to stand up and catch the boy as he was rushing towards him. Kouyou could feel the teenager clinging to him as if he was a life-belt, hear his broken voice as he was crying and feel his tears falling against his skin. At that time, he hugged him like he has never hugged him before and it's when Akira came to their side that he asked him the same question as always. 

“What did he do to you? Yuu tell me!” 

But Yuu didn't answer. He hadn't the strength to say a single thing. Kouyou didn't wait any longer and left the room after being sure Akira would take care of the teenager. In the corridor, he looked for Yuu's father on the first floor hoping he was still here. And Kouyou saw him. The man was near the stairs and he was about to walk down them when the chestnut-haired called out to him while he was getting closer and closer to the other man. 

No one expected the chestnut-haired to punch Yuu's father. No one. Not even Kouyou himself.


	9. Chapter 9

Akira had had huge troubles to calm down the teenager. Huge troubles to make his shaking body stop, huge troubles to hush his screams. The man wasn't maybe that close to Yuu as Kouyou was, but hearing his broken voice and his crying still pained him, still made his heart suffer. 

Yuu was now laying on his bed with his pillow in his arms, as usual, staring into the void as a few tears left his eyes from time to time. He could feel Akira caress his hair gently with no rudeness in his gestures to scare him. He could hear him talk but the boy had no will to answer his questions. Yuu wanted Kouyou by his side. Yuu wanted Kouyou to take him in his arms and rock him. Yuu wanted to hear his soothing words whispered in his ears. He wanted to feel Kouyou's hand in his hair and not Akira's. Kouyou had left the room and he wasn't coming back. Kouyou wasn't going to come back before some days. 

They had heard the nurses' loud voices in the corridor and Kouyou's voice who was screaming to them to let him go. He was also shouting that he knew the truth and that as a father he should be ashamed of what he'd done. Kouyou was going to make sure he won't touch Yuu again. But how could he now? He was going to come back, Yuu would have other nightmares and cry more again with no one by his side to stop them. 

“Yuu is it true? Has your father really done that to you?” 

You shook his head violently. Of course it wasn't true... How and why would someone believe that a great surgeon – and moreover the director of a hospital – had abused his only son? No one would believe him, it was better for the teenager to keep on lying. Even though it was hurting him, even though he wanted to shout them the truth. He wanted everyone to know what he did to him and his mother. 

“You know that if you tell everything to the nurses, they'll do all the necessary things to help you.” 

“No... Everything's fine...” 

“I don't think so. Look in what state you are... Do you really think everything's fine while you're crying so much?” 

Yuu squeezed his pillow more in his arms. The teenager tensed himself when he felt the other man's hand in his hair one more time. “Everything's fine... Stop touching me...” 

“Yuu... I just want to help.” 

“I want Kouyou...” He let out in a soft cry. In a moment like this one, Kouyou was the only one who was able to calm him down, the only one who had the right to lay a hand on his body. “Bring him back...” 

“I can't... But I can bring you to him tonight. Just be patient.” 

Akira felt useless seeing the teenager's tears. He knew he could do nothing to stop them, but at least he could do this, for the both of them. Yuu needed Kouyou as much as Kouyou needed Yuu at this exact moment. 

“What happened here?” A brown-haired boy asked when he walked in the bedroom. “Why is Yuu crying?” 

“Yutaka stay with him, okay? Leave him alone on no account.” 

“Alright. Yuu you can stop crying, I'm here.” The boy said while sitting next to the other teenager. 

Akira left the room right after. In the corridor, he looked for the right door. All the doors were alike; an off-white colour as the walls were light grey, there was no difference between a normal bedroom and a confinement room. No difference in colour inside or outside. But Akira found it anyway. He only had to follow the few nurses who were rushing to a white door. 

He could hear Kouyou's voice still screaming, shouting to the nurses to let him out. And some were walking past the room as nothing was happening inside, as if they weren't hearing his shouts. It was always the same thing when he was being locked in by them. Kouyou was screaming again and again which could scare a few patients especially the younger and newer ones, until a nurse or two came in the room and put him under a sedative. 

When he was certain no one was coming near the room, Akira stayed in front of the door and told Kouyou, even though he wasn't sure he could hear him, to stay calm and be patient until tonight. He told him that Yuu wasn't feeling fine at all, that he needed the man's support more than ever. And of course he told him that the teenager was still denying his abuse. Who knows how long would he keep his “secret”. 

Kouyou heard all of what the blond said and he felt so useless knowing Yuu was feeling down. But what could he do now? He was tied on a bed, under a sedative, he could do nothing for the boy like that. And as long as he would be locked in this room, Kouyou wouldn't be able to protect him. He hoped his father wasn't going to come back while he was here, he hoped Yuu won't have to see him and endure other tortures. And he hoped the nurses would do something for the boy, help him. But for now the only thing Kouyou could do was to wait. 

* * *

In their bedroom Yutaka was now sitting on the floor against Yuu's bed and was holding one of his hands in his. The raven-haired teenager had stopped crying by now, his eyes were closed but he wasn't sleeping, only listening to Yutaka's story. He was telling him a story about imaginary creatures, beautiful winged beings, a story with magic and adventures. It was making Yuu put his troubles aside and think about something else, something better and happier. 

“And what happens... in the end?” 

“The elf goes back to the forest, he returns where he belongs.” 

“Alone?” 

“That's another story I could tell you another day, if you wish.” 

“I'd love to.” 

Yutaka was proud of himself. Yuu loved his story and was even asking for more. But the teenager had to be patient for the moment, he still had to think about the right words to say to make a beautiful continuation to his story. And he knew Yuu would love it. He knew Yuu would listen to him attentively with closed eyes as he would imagine the forest again, with its big trees and wonderful flowers. He would be amazed once again by the elves and fairies. And maybe Yuu would smile with the same smile Yutaka had on his lips when he'd been telling his story. 

When Akira came back in the room, he was happy to see that no more tears were falling down Yuu's cheeks. He looked at them, smiling, and when Yutaka noticed him he sat down in front of Yuu and joined their conversation. Yuu didn't talk too much after the blond had told him that he would bring him to Kouyou this night. He needed the chestnut-haired's presence so much right now, he needed to be with him. He needed Kouyou to make him forget what happened today. 

* * *

Kouyou heard the door close itself and then the silence again. But even thought there was no noise in the room, he still could hear a panicked breathing. He guessed it was Yuu, as Akira had told him, and he hadn't forgotten that the teenager was so scared of the dark. The chestnut-haired would have loved to walk to him and take him in his arms just to reassure him. He knew Yuu would think the thing he was afraid of would be near him and hurt him again. 

“Kouyou... Where are you?” Fear and tears could be heard in his voice. Akira had told him Kouyou was in this room but he couldn't see him nor feel his arms around his body. Yuu couldn't hear his soothing voice and he was starting to doubt if Kouyou really was in this room. “Please speak...” 

“I'm here Yuu, don't be scared.” Kouyou was trying to reassure him as best as he could with his words while he was still tied up on the bed. “I'm near you, just follow my voice.” 

The teenager walked to him, hesitant with his hands in front of him. In the dark he could feel a breath on his cheek and hands touching him, but hearing Kouyou's voice he knew none of those were real. But this simple fact didn't take his fears away. He knew the little time he would spend with Kouyou in this room wouldn't prevent his father from hurting him. He also knew that he had to tell the truth. But Yuu couldn't. The simple fact of thinking about it was making him sick with fear and stress. He was simply not ready. 

Kouyou felt the raven-haired beside him on the bed, he felt his hands looking for his own and soon after his wrists were released from the straps. Kouyou didn't had the time to sit straight on the bed that Yuu was already on his lap snuggling against his chest. Yuu didn't protest when he felt Kouyou's arms around his waist, he didn't protest when Kouyou kissed his forehead and he didn't protest when Kouyou lay back down with him still against his chest. Like in their room the bed wasn't made for two person but it bothered none of them. Yuu could hear Kouyou's heartbeat, it was beating with a calm rhythm almost with the same rhythm of his fingers in his hair. 

Yuu was feeling good like that, close to the man and feeling his limbs around his body he thought that he was safe. He was safe with Kouyou, he knew he would protect him no matter what could happen between these walls. Yuu knew he had no reason to be afraid when Kouyou was by his side. As long as he could see him or be near him, Yuu knew he was safe. Deep down the teenager was hoping he would prevent his father from touching him again, but he knew he had to keep their secret. And deep down, Yuu was dreaming that one day someone would come and take him away from his father, someone would make him happy, someone would make him forget all the atrocities he had to endure, someone would take him to the graveyard and he would finally be able to see his mother again. It was his little utopia, kind of a fairytale, but Yuu was aware that the road to get rid of his father was riddled of traps. 

The man had a certain hold on him. When they were getting people at home or when they were visiting people they were playing the role of a happy broken family still hurt by the loss of a wife and mother. They had that normal father-son relationship, they were supporting each other, his father appeared as a man who was really deeply concerned by his son's state. But at home it was a nightmare for Yuu. The loving father disappeared only to let place to a monster who was enjoying abusing his son at the dark night, a monster who was enjoying every scream and cry that could leave Yuu's mouth. A monster who was enjoying Yuu's distress. A monster who was enjoying breaking him. 

Long minutes had passed by in the silence when Kouyou felt the teenager move against him. Sitting astride on the chestnut-haired's pelvis, Yuu put his hands on each side of Kouyou's head and soon after he could feel him kiss him. Yuu was kissing his lips shyly, slightly afraid of what he was doing because he'd never done something like that on his own initiative, and let his tongue find Kouyou's one when he felt one of his hands on the back of his head and the other one drawing little circles on his left thigh. They stayed for some moments like that, sharing gentle kisses and innocent caresses before that Kouyou sat back on the bed, his arms around the teenager's hips and his lips not leaving Yuu's. 

The raven-haired let out tiny whimpers from his mouth as Kouyou sucked on his neck, giving him another hickey. He didn't care about Yuu's father's threat if he'd see another love bite, and noticing that Yuu wasn't doing a single thing to stop him, Kouyou continued to mark his neck and collar bone. If only he knew what had happened after their encounter in the corridor, if only he knew what had been said between the father and the son, Kouyou would stop immediately. 

And it was the raven who stopped him. 

Yuu took him by his wrist feeling his pulse under his thumb, and slowly put Kouyou's hand under his t-shirt. Kouyou could feel his pelvic bones, his flat stomach and on his chest, a large swelling which he guessed still had to be red. 

“Be a good boy Yuu, don't move,” The teenager whispered as he let go of Kouyou's wrist. He was about to say something to the boy, but swallowed his words and kept on listening to him while his hand was now caressing his lower back and the many scars that were on his skin. “It will be our secret... And now it's ours, isn't it Kouyou?” 

“You should tell the truth to the nurses. Let them help you!” 

“I'm fine, I don't need help...” 

“You do and it's not by lying that you will get better. Yuu, what he's done to you is wrong and you-” 

“You know nothing... because I've never said anything. It's a secret Kouyou, and a secret has to be kept.” 

“But your body speaks enough for you. Yuu that's not how it works!” 

“Shhh... Please don't be mad at me...” Yuu plead, resting his head on the man's shoulder. “I'm sorry... I'll be a good boy...” 

Kouyou said nothing but hugged him tightly in his arms. How could he think that he could get mad at him? Kouyou would never, because the boy was too frail, too precious to him he could never imagine hurting him in any way. Yuu didn't deserve to get hurt. 

“Can I stay a little longer?” 

“Of course you can, but not too long. I don't want you to get in troubles with the nurses because of me.” 

They lay down back on the bed, Yuu playing with Kouyou's hair locks as he was feeling his hands stroking innocently some parts of his body. The chestnut-haired didn't want the boy to leave, but he knew Yuu couldn't stay too long so that's why he enjoyed every little second he had him between his arms. He enjoyed every little second because he didn't know when he would be able to see him again. And when the teenager had to leave him, they kissed once more and the chestnut-haired got a feeling that it was their last time with the way Yuu was clinging to him. 

* * *

“Aki, what's happening with Yuu?” Yutaka's voice interrupted the blond's thoughts and noticing that he wasn't paying any attention, he repeated his question with that innocent smile on his lips, as always. 

“He's not feeling fine lately, that's all.” 

“Aki,” His sweet voice was now more serious as he looked at the man's face above him. “I'm mentally sick, not stupid. You can tell me the truth.” 

The blond-haired man put his gaze back on Yutaka's features. The teenager had laid his head on his thighs now for a few moments, waiting for an explanation. Akira didn't know if he could tell him the truth. He was so young, he didn't want to scare him. 

But Yuu's state those past days was making them all worry about him. His mental state had started to worsen after the night he'd spent with Kouyou in his confinement room. Yuu had been crying more and more every day, he was suffering deep inside but talked to no one. His roommates would have loved to do something to make him feel better, but Yuu hadn't been saying a single thing. The teenager was keeping his pain for himself, he wasn't sharing his thoughts and doubts with them, he wasn't going to Kouyou's room anymore. Yuu was now the same boy he was on the first day in this hospital. All of his progresses were burnt to ashes, all of his hopes had vanished. And his old demons were coming back little by little. 

Akira took a deep breath before hugging the brown-haired boy close to him, feeling his hair tickle his nose. “He's got some serious problems... Family problems.” 

“Oh. That's why his father comes here often?” 

“More or less.” 

“Akira, what are you not telling me? What _really_ happened?” 

“It's... more than possible that... I shouldn't be the one telling you that.” 

“I want to help him you know, he's my friend too.” Yutaka whispered in his ear. 

“Alright. Yuu is... abused by his father.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“Kouyou's certain about that fact.” 

“That's horrible!” He let out, his throat suddenly dry. “I hope things are going to get better for him. And for everyone too. I hope everyone will leave that place with a smile. But not me, I don't deserve to leave the hospital...” 

“What are you saying now? You deserve it too, like anybody else!” 

“No. Not after what I did to Yuu, not after what I did to my father... And not after what I might do to you...” 

“Hey, you won't do anything to me,” Akira cooed while he quickly erased the few tears that had started to flow. “I won't let that happen.” 

“I'm so scared...” 

“As long as I am with you, everything is going to be alright. I'll stay with you no matter what.” 

Yutaka wasn't only scared by Yuu's state, his own situation was scaring him too. What would he do if he'd never leave that place? What would happen to him if he was going to stay alone in here? The teenager didn't want to stay alone, he didn't want to be separated from Akira. 

The blond-haired man rocked him in his arms as he tried to make his tears stop. Akira was going to stay by his side no matter what people would think about it or say about it. He would endure the criticisms, the _what if_ s, all the things that would try to separate them. Akira wanted, had to be strong for the both of them so that Yutaka would never be afraid again, so that he would see him smile every day. 

* * *

Kouyou had been waiting for Yuu for hours, impatient to feel him in his arms again, impatient to hear his voice again. But Yuu never came back. Not on the second night, not on the fifth night. Kouyou had been waiting and waiting in the dark, hoping that this night he would come, hoping that nothing had happened to him. Kouyou had been waiting for him, and when he'd asked the nurses about his roommates' state no one went to the trouble of answering to his questions. No one told him about Yuu's mental state, no one told him he was spending less and less time with their roommates, no one told him his state was deteriorating. He had no news and this fact was starting to anger the chestnut-haired. 

A single knock on the door caught his attention back on what was happening in the room. Two nurses were standing in front of him, looking at him with those ice-cold eyes he was so used to see. And as one was talking to the man still lying on the bed, another nurse removed the straps from his wrists and ankles. Kouyou sat on the edge of the bed right after, rubbing his sore wrists and listened attentively to the nurse this time. 

“Remember that we're only removing the straps because we judge that it is safe for the other patients. Now, are you sure you've completely calmed down and thought enough about what you did?” 

“Yes.” 

“In that case, you can leave the room. Oh and before I forget,” The nurse faced Kouyou once again, stopping his movements as he was about to leave the room and the young man. “You're lucky Yuu's father didn't press charges against you.” 

_He's lucky I haven't killed him for the moment_ , he thought. 

Kouyou left the room some minutes after the nurses and rushed without a single thought to their bedroom. He had to know if Yuu was alright, he had to know if he was still here, he had to know if he was still alive. Memories of what the raven-haired had told him under the weeping willow came back to his mind. He remembered how much he wanted to die on that day, how tired of everything he was. The teenager was at the end of his rope that day. And Kouyou was so worried, so scared he didn't want to lose him, not now. Not now that he was getting so close to him, so attached to him. Not now that he still had to protect him and make him smile. 

In their bedroom, his worries worsened when he saw that only Takanori was in. As always the boy was sitting at the window and was looking at the garden, his eyes lost on the weeping willow. 

“Hm? Oh you're back!” He said looking now at the man after noticing he wasn't alone in the room anymore. 

“Yeah, it was about time. Where's Yuu?” 

“He's been in there for fifteen minutes now,” Takanori pointed the door of the bathroom, a sad expression on his face. “You know, he's not feeling well at all. He reminds me myself when I'm on my bad days...” 

It didn't take long for Kouyou to push the door and go into the room. And he saw him, curled up on the floor in a corner, his body shaking with each sob he was letting out of his mouth. Kouyou also saw the pair of sharp scissors that was laying near his body, and the red colour that was on it. The chestnut-haired didn't need to think longer to guess what he'd done. 

Without hasty movements he knelt before the teenager – who hadn't noticed his presence yet – made him sit correctly but stopped what he was doing when he saw the boy hide his face behind his arms, now shaking like a leaf and still shedding countless tears. And on his forearms he could see those red marks deep enough to make him bleed, but not deep enough to kill him. There were red stains on his clothes, red drops on the floor, red on his arms, red on his lips. It was hurting Kouyou to see him so down, so distressed only because of one person. He should have done more to his father than just punch him. 

Slowly, Kouyou took his hands in his and put them away from his face, letting him see pain and shame in his eyes full of tears which the teenager couldn't make stop. And soon Yuu was again avoiding his gaze and the gentle caresses of his thumbs on his hands. Yuu was avoiding any physical contact with Kouyou. The man thought he was losing him, right there before his eyes he was seeing his efforts of gaining the teenager's trust disappear little by little. But he couldn't let that happen. 

“Yuu look at me, please. You know I would never hurt you,” Kouyou tried to get closer to Yuu without scaring him more than he already was, taking one of his hand back carefully. “Yuu?” 

“Don't be mad at me... I'm sorry b-but I'll be a good boy... from now on...” 

“I'm not mad at you and I don't care if you're a good boy or not, get this out of your head! Unlike someone, I'm not asking you to be someone you don't want to be. Look, I'm back and I'm with you. That's all that matters,” Kouyou smiled at him when Yuu looked finally at him after several long minutes, and erased the tears that were on his cheeks. And Kouyou saw the flinch Yuu made when he felt his hand against his skin, he saw his eyes close themselves as if he was waiting for a slap or something more brutal, he saw the fright in his movements. And Kouyou understood. “Let me clean all that blood.” 

As the water was flowing in the sink, the chestnut-haired was whispering in his ear again and again that he wasn't going to do any harm to him, that he wouldn't stand it if he'd do so. He was asking him, _pleading_ him to stop trembling as he was carefully washing the blood from his forearms. Kouyou hoped there was still a little trust in the raven, a part of him that wasn't scared, a part of him that still wanted to be close to him. He sincerely hoped he wasn't losing him. 

“It's cold... The water's cold...” 

“Sorry.” 

There were only the two of them when they went back to the bedroom, Takanori was gone. The teenager was about to go lie down on his bed when he felt Kouyou hugging him from behind and whispering again that he shouldn't be scared of him. Yuu would have loved to stay in his arms, but not now. Not now that he was still feeling so ashamed, so hurt, so... _dirty_. And he certainly didn't want the man to know what had happened and what he had done. It was their secret, he had to keep it. Even though he wanted to tell him why he didn't come and stay with him these last nights, why he had preferred hurting himself instead of seeking some support and love by him. Why it would be better if they weren't that close anymore. But the raven-haired couldn't think he could stay apart from the man for long and not feel his arms holding him, his lips kissing him gently. He needed him, he really did. 

But for now the only thing he did was to get away from his arms reluctantly and lie down on his bed, expecting Kouyou would leave him alone. But he didn't. 

“He came back. That's why you're like that, that's why you don't trust me anymore.” He said while sitting on the bed next to him. 

“I do trust you...” 

“Then why are you acting like you're not?” 

“I don't want to talk about it...” 

“Yuu, when will you accept people's help? Don't you see you need it?!” 

“No... I told you it was our secret Kouyou! Don't say a single thing... to anyone...” The raven-haired told him while putting a trembling hand on the man's lips, his eyes reflecting a deep fear. “You know nothing and you have no idea... You've absolutely no idea what I've been through all these years... So be quiet!” And he let his head fall on Kouyou's shoulder as he said these last words. 

Yuu was crying silent tears and hitting Kouyou's chest with his fists, even though he wasn't hurting him. Yuu was too weak to hurt the man, too weak to struggle, too weak to leave his side. He let the chestnut-haired hug him tightly, he let him whisper soothing words in his ears, he let him rock him during long minutes. Kouyou was patient and kept reassuring him until his crying ceased, until he could feel the boy put his hands on his back and nestled against him. He stroked his long hair tirelessly during long minutes and he would have bet that Yuu had fallen asleep, but his fingers which were moving on his back proved him the contrary. 

They stayed like that sharing those precious little moments in silence with no one to disturb them, and Yuu could think properly. He could think about his behaviour from earlier, about how he shouldn't have talked that much, how he was going to get into trouble if his father learned he had talked. And Yuu knew he would. How, he didn't know, but his father always knew what was happening in there. He knew he had become attached to Kouyou and he was turning this fact to his advantage, he knew things Yuu had hidden from him. And Yuu sensed that the next time he would see him in that hospital would be the last. He couldn't explain it, but something deep inside him was telling him that his time here was running out. He was sensing that it might be the last time he could see his roommates, the last time he could spend time with Kouyou. And if his intuition was right, he knew too well what would happen next. 

The teenager cuddled up to Kouyou a little more and whispered numerous sorrys in the crook of his neck. _Sorry for being a coward, sorry for being so afraid, sorry for not showing you what I really feel regarding this whole situation, sorry for not expressing myself well, sorry for not accepting the help I really need_ , that was all he wanted to say at this exact moment. But the words got stuck in his throat. Fear was paralysing him once more. Yuu wished he had enough guts to tell him all the things he had on his mind, all the things he wanted to share with him, he needed to talk to take a weight off his mind. Because he trusted that man, because he knew he was going to be there for him even though Yuu was so dead scared it might be their last hug, their last soothing words, their last everything. He wanted to stay with Kouyou and for the first time, he wanted to be a little selfish and make things for himself, things that would make him feel good. Things he could do without thinking about the consequences, without thinking if he would get hurt or not. But, would Kouyou still want him after all this story? After all he had to endure so far? After what he's become? Wouldn't he be disgusted? Yuu couldn't find an answer, and he was too scared to ask him. 

Yuu could feel Kouyou's fingers on his cheek and he was about to talk when they got interrupted. 

“Kouyou someone's here for you.” 

“I'm a little busy, I don't want to see anyone.” 

“Oh so you don't even want to see _me_?” A woman's voice exclaimed, and feinting sadness in her voice she added. “And to think that I've come all this way just for you... What a pity I have to go back home now!” 

“Akemi!” 

“Hello little brother!” She said cheerfully, catching Kouyou in her arms as he was letting Yuu on the bed to hug his sister. 

And the teenager saw it. He saw how Kouyou was smiling right now, he saw how happy he looked with her. It was just in front of his eyes, the fact that he never could make the man as happy as he was now. He could never make him smile as he was smiling right now. Yuu was useless to the man, he had nothing to do with him. And the simple realisation of that evidence was hurting him and making him feel like he was nothing. But Yuu was used to it, he was used to just be a toy that you throw away when you're fed up playing with. And maybe Kouyou was playing with him too from the start, even though he was so nice with him, even though he was acting so thoughtful. Now Yuu knew all the promises the man had made to him were pointless, he knew now that he had been making them only to manipulate him better. No one would make him happy, no one would protect him, the teenager had heard these words way too many times. 

“I'm so happy you're here, let me introduce somebody to you,” Kouyou said to his sister with a big smile as he was sitting next to Yuu again, putting his arms around the boy's waist. “Yuu this is Akemi, my sister. Akemi, this is Yuu. He's... very dear to me.” 

“Nice to meet you Yuu!” 

“I... I think I'm going to leave you. You don't need me here...” 

“What? No! I want you to stay with me. I mean... He's not bothering you, right?” 

“No he's not, he can stay with us.” The smile she gave him made him look away in embarrassment. 

They talked about everything and Akemi even tried to make Yuu participate in the discussion, but the boy only stayed against Kouyou's chest, his face half-hidden in the crook of his neck, and answered to her with nods or small words that were making Kouyou laugh. 

Kouyou's sister wasn't blind. She saw the way her brother was gazing at Yuu, the way he was smiling at him, the way he was holding him close to him. And she _knew_. Seeing her brother like that really made her glad because it had been a long time she hadn't seen him smile like that, be so tender with another person, and she hoped the happiness he was showing was true. She wouldn't stand to see him in a desperate state again, so down that no one knew what to do. She hoped Kouyou was on the right path to recovery. But on the other hand, she was well aware that this happiness couldn't last for a long time. They were in a mental institution and one day or another, one of them would leave first. They would resume their lives where it was before their arrival in here, and soon after maybe they'd forget that they were so close. They'd forget the smiles and looks they gave to one another. They'd forget everything. 

“I'm sorry I couldn't come earlier Kouyou. I wanted to come when they told me you were put in confinement again, but... work took me a lot of my time.” 

“I don't blame you, I can understand.” 

“At least you weren't alone,” She said while looking at Yuu. “Shima, I think he fell asleep.” 

“He did, let him sleep.” 

“Can we maybe talk more seriously now? It's about mom and dad.” 

“What happened again?” 

“It's not getting better... They fight almost everyday and you know how dad is since... the accident. Mom tries to do her best to make this situation better, but nothing works.” 

“Are they going to divorce?” 

“I don't know. To be honest it would be better for mom if she leaves him.” 

“I see. Akemi would you please tell her that I'm sorry? I'm the one to blame for this situation.” 

“You know she already forgave you. Stop keeping bringing up the past, it's over!” 

“Tell her. Please.” 

“Alright,” She sighed before kissing the top of Kouyou's head as she was standing up. “I'm coming back soon, I promise. I love you little brother.” 

“I love you too.” 

“Please take care of yourself, I don't want to lose you too.” 

She left the room silently in order not to wake up Yuu. And it's only when Kouyou was sure no one was going to come inside the bedroom that he allowed his tears to fall. He cried quietly, hugging the teenager's body more against him and rocked him with hope that it would calm himself down. Akemi was right, he had to stop thinking about the past, about what had happened and what he'd done to his family. It wasn't doing any good to him to think about the past, but how could he not when the anniversary date was coming closer and closer? His mother had maybe forgiven him, but Kouyou hadn't. Because what he'd done those years ago was unforgivable, he would always be the monster no matter how long he'd spend in this hospital, no matter if he'd recover from his illness or not. 

Kouyou was glad he had the teenager in his arms right now. But most of all he was glad he wasn't awake and able to see his tears. The chestnut had to stay strong, not only for himself but for Yuu too. He had to be the one Yuu could lean on, he had to do all his possible so that the raven would feel better. It was not the time to break down and surely not in front of him. Yuu should never see him like that. 

* * *

In their bedroom, after dinner time, Kouyou didn't care about what the others could think of what he was doing. He didn't care what they could think about his relationship with Yuu. In their bedroom, Kouyou didn't wait the curfew to join the teenager in his bed, he didn't wait for the lights to switch off to take him in his arms and put tender kisses on his skin when he felt that Yuu was comfortable with it again. 

When the lights finally switched off a few hours later, they fell asleep cuddled up together without knowing what exactly tomorrow will be. Without knowing it would be their last day together.


	10. Chapter 10

It was the cold temperature of the room that woke Kouyou up. 

His eyes fluttered as he tried to find what could remain of warmness underneath the thin blankets, pulling them more over his body and the one he was holding between his arms. Yuu was sleeping peacefully – his face hidden in Kouyou's chest and his fingers clutched on his top – and sometimes Kouyou could feel him move in his sleep, make some cute little noises or even seek the man's warmth. And not a single time had he had the impression Yuu wasn't sleeping well because of a nightmare. His breathing was calm, almost too calm for someone who was only sleeping, and wasn't crying unlike some other nights. That was the only thing that mattered for Kouyou right now; Yuu not shedding any tears but only sleeping in peace. 

Kouyou let his fingers run on Yuu's face, slowly caressing his cheeks feeling them so cold under his fingertips, before hugging him more tightly without forgetting to be careful to not wake the boy up. And it's with a deep and long sigh that he closed his eyes again, feeling tiredness back in his whole body. 

The chestnut-haired was about to fall asleep again when a cough made him jump. He hadn't been expecting it as the room was in a complete silence, and he swore he would have killed the one who was making such noises for scaring him like that, but hearing that the coughs didn't stop made him wonder if he shouldn't maybe do something. And it's with furrowed eyebrows that he carefully sat on the bed, rubbing his eyes in hope it would wake him a little more, then walked towards the window and the man who was already sitting there. 

“Are you alright?” Kouyou asked still half-asleep, and took a seat in front of the blond, his head resting against the cold glass. “It sounds like you're about to spit your lungs out.” 

“Sorry if I woke you up,” Akira whispered, his voice had become hoarse with each cough. “I guess I caught a cold, nothing bad.” 

“Do have I to call a nurse?” 

“No. I don't need them to be already awaken,” The blond man looked at the teenagers, smiling when he noticed that they were still sleeping. “It's almost 8 am, let them sleep a little longer.” 

Kouyou nodded with closed eyes as Akira coughed once again. They didn't talk a lot after that, they were only listening to the stillness of the room and the wind that was blowing outside. A cold wind which soon made them curse in unison when they felt a draught coming inside the bedroom. It was getting colder and colder the past days, no wonder Akira had fallen sick. 

“Look, it's snowing.” Akira's voice made him open his eyes, but Kouyou had absolutely no will to look outside, no will at all to see the snow falling on the ground and make it white. “It's sooner this year. I wonder if it's going to last already.” 

“I hate snow.” 

“Lots of people hate it, but it doesn't bother me. I find it beautiful.” 

“I'm not like other people, I have my own personal reasons to hate it.” Standing up he went back to Yuu's side, slightly upset now by the weather. During the few next days everything would remind him that day – the accident like they were used to call it –, the smallest detail he would see would bring him back to those years ago. Kouyou could already feel all the tears he'd have to hide, the pain in his chest, the nausea. And the nightmares. “Let's talk about something else. Please.” 

“Sorry if I've upset you. That was not what I wanted Kouyou.” 

Kouyou just shrugged his shoulders. It was no big deal, Akira didn't know and that was all. There was no need for Kouyou to hold a grudge against him. Besides, he didn't want to explain him the reasons he hated snow, didn't want Akira to see how ugly he was inside, who he really was. He didn't want that the blond would see him as a monster if he knew the whole truth about his past. Between these walls they had all, more or less, shared with each other their past, what had happened to them so that they needed this kind of help. But Kouyou had never said a single word or hint concerning that day. No one in this room knew what he'd done. And none of them would ever imagine how cruel his act had been. 

Feeling Yuu by his side was calming him down a little and making him focus on something else, something happier. Like the way Yuu'd put his hand in his sleep near Kouyou's hips as if he wanted the man to take it in his own hand, or like the way he was cuddling up to himself when he felt the coldness embrace him. It was getting colder and colder the more minutes were passing by. 

So, carefully and trying not to wake the boy up, Kouyou took him in his arms making him sit on his lap, and put the blanket around their body. Unfortunately Yuu groaned in discomfort and soon opened his eyes. 

“Shhh, go back to sleep. You still have time.” 

“It's cold,” Yuu's sleepy voice made Kouyou giggle as he huddled up more against the chestnut, putting his arms around his neck. “Too cold.” 

“I know. Try not thinking about it,” He whispered in his ear, hugging the teenager closer to him and hoping he could warm him like that even if it would be just a little. “Sleep.” 

Kouyou rocked him back and forth while playing with his black hair. He had hoped Yuu would fall back quickly asleep, but he didn't. He had hoped Yuu would take advantages of the few minutes they still had before the lights would switch on to rest, but he didn't. Kouyou had hoped he wouldn't feel his unease, but Yuu did. All of a sudden Kouyou had had a nasty feeling about this day, and he wished it was just a feeling and that nothing bad would happen. But knowing now that Yuu had sensed it wasn't making him feel better. He didn't want Yuu to worry about him, didn't want to hear his questions and see him wait for an answer. He didn't want all of that, that's why he had hoped he would fall back asleep. 

Yuu did none of what Kouyou wanted but rather caressed his neck, barely touching the skin, his head still resting on his shoulder and his eyes now wide open. It was okay for Yuu if Kouyou didn't want to tell him what was wrong, he was just trying to give him back all the kind attentions he had shown to him. He was just trying to be nice with him. Because Kouyou had always been reassuring him when he was scared, always making his tears stop, always telling him that he was by his side and that everything would get better. Yuu just wanted to show that man he was dear to him too. The raven could tell it now even though he wasn't sure if Kouyou was sincere with him or not, playing with him and his feelings or not. He knew he'd become attached to Kouyou, so much he was petrified by the thought of being apart from him. And Yuu still had that feeling that their time together was running out, a feeling that for a reason or another he would never see him again, a feeling that it would be over if Yuu left the hospital. 

“Don't go...” It was just a whisper, but Kouyou could clearly hear his fear in his voice. 

“What? I'm not going anywhere Yuu, I stay with you.” 

“I don't want to go...” 

“What's wrong?” Akira asked, mildly curious but mostly worried now that he'd heard Yuu's words. 

“I don't know Aki, I don't know what's the matter with him.” 

The chestnut-haired tried to talk to him, tried to understand why he was so worried and why he couldn't stop telling him he didn't want to go. The more he was trying, the more Kouyou knew his nasty feeling wouldn't be just a feeling. Something would happen today, and Kouyou got scared. 

He could hear Yuu's breathing becoming more and more rapid, as if he was hyperventilating, he could feel his body shake, his nails sink in his skin leaving deep marks as the teenager was crying now. Yuu was having a panic attack and Kouyou didn't know how to handle it, it was the first time he was confronted to that kind of fear. All he could do was to continue rocking him and whisper soothing words. He didn't know if it would work, if it would calm him down, but Kouyou was keeping on trying according to Akira's advices. And as the other teenagers were awakened by the noise, Kouyou thought that the reason why Yuu was having a panic attack was maybe because the teenager was sensing something too, sensing it would be soon the end. 

* * *

Both Kouyou and Yuu had been among the last patients to come in the canteen. It had taken endless minutes for Yuu to get hold of himself, endless minutes for Kouyou to reassure him and not panic himself. Yutaka, Takanori and Akira were of course still worried for the boy when they'd left the room. Takanori had wanted to ask the chestnut-haired man if he could do something, but seeing that he didn't seem to need some help he remained silent and followed his other roommates. 

Yuu had eaten his breakfast with Kouyou at his table with no nurses to tell him to go back to his own table or to eat more. It was as if they didn't care what could happen between them in this room, didn't care if Kouyou would break down today, didn't care if Yuu was eating or not. And this, Kouyou was understanding it less and less. They didn't seem to act like they were caregivers, didn't seem to worry about their patients' well-being. Kouyou had already been doubting the organisation of this hospital before, but now he no longer had that feeling of being in a mental institution. For him now, they were just trapped between walls with the illusion that they would get better one day. And he had already forgotten why he had chosen to be put in that one. 

They stayed together even when they went back to their bedroom, Yuu didn't want to leave Kouyou's side for a single second. And on his bed between Kouyou's arms, Yuu stared into space without hearing the man's numerous whispers, without feeling his fingers in his hair playing with them once again, without noticing he was rocking himself back and forth like a scared kid. And Yuu was. More than ever. What if his father would come again today and tell him that he was going to bring him back home? What if, back home, he would be abused again? Should he try to escape? Call someone for help, the neighbours, the police, anyone? But even though he'd try, Yuu knew his father wouldn't let him do. He would bring him back home one way or another and everything would be like before. Yuu would go back to high school, hide in an empty room to cry or harm himself during breaks, and maybe when he wouldn't bear his father's hands on his body anymore, maybe he would try to kill himself one more time. 

But Yuu could avoid all of that. Today might be his last chance to bring the truth to light and avert all this pain. All he had to do was speak. 

Kouyou had of course sensed that Yuu was still so scared, and he had tried everything to calm him down, only to avoid another panic attack. Kouyou didn't want to see the raven in such a desperate state again, unable to breathe properly nor to talk. He wanted to see him smile so badly he was ready to put his own happiness aside. Yuu was everything that mattered for Kouyou right now. Not his own recovery, not the snow outside, not even the nurses' comings and goings. Only Yuu. Kouyou would do everything for him, Yuu just had to say a few words. But the teenager hadn't said a single word for several minutes now. It was driving the man crazy, but what could he do if Yuu had no will to speak? He couldn't force him, that was impossible for Kouyou and he didn't want to be a monster too, one of those men who use force to get what they want. Yuu had to do it at his own pace, no matter if it would take time or not. 

The bedroom was in complete silence now, with Takanori reading on his bed and enjoying his roommates' presence. The young boy was glad he wasn't alone, even though he was feeling embarrassed from time to time hearing Kouyou's whispers or the kisses they were sharing. He was still young, it was normal for him to be embarrassed by such things at his age, but Takanori said nothing. He didn't want to interrupt them or that Kouyou would think something bad about him. He was just glad to see Yuu calmer than earlier, glad to see Kouyou was always there for him. 

As for the both of them, they had forgotten Takanori's presence. It was as if they were trapped in a bubble, their world, and nothing mattered to them around them. They were cuddling on the bed, Yuu was kissing the chestnut-haired man on his own free will surprising Kouyou more and more as he rarely did it. Kouyou had the impression Yuu was acting less shy and was showing him his feelings. He could feel it through the teenager's kisses, through this physical closeness and the way he was sighing in the crook of his neck. Or was he only imagining things? Yuu had never been clear about his feelings, whatever they were he had never shared them with him. 

With each day that was passing by, Kouyou had become more and more attached to this boy, slowly falling in love with him. And he had been trying to make him understand his feelings, but could Yuu understand them without the man telling him clearly these three words? Kouyou was afraid to tell them, afraid he might lose him, afraid Yuu wouldn't believe him. So he really hoped Yuu could understand his feelings only by his gestures. 

Putting shy kisses on Kouyou's neck, Yuu asked for another kiss which the chestnut-haired gladly gave him. Their fingers intertwined, Yuu let Kouyou tickle the back of his neck as he was closing his eyes feeling his lips being gently bitten and soon Kouyou's tongue met Yuu's. Their kisses were soft with no rush in their gestures as they were both trying to convey their feelings through this act, both too afraid to talk, too afraid to declare their love to the one in front of them. 

They stayed close to each other even when their lips parted, forehead to forehead they could feel their hot breaths against their skin. With his eyes still closed Yuu was smiling sadly. He didn't know if he would be able to share those kind of moments with Kouyou for still a long time or if it was the last time they'd be so close. The mere thought of being apart from Kouyou soon was making him trembling with fear and he tried to make this thought go away by snuggling against the man, squeezing his top between his fingers in his back. 

They cuddled for a few more moments without paying any attention to what was happening around them, sharing other countless smiles and innocent kisses until a nurse came into the bedroom. 

“Hello boys! Kouyou can you come with me?” 

“Why?” As always when it came to the nursing staff, Kouyou was talking in a cold and sharp manner. 

“The doctor wants to see you, it's about what you talked together the last time you saw him.” 

“It was like ages ago and he's asking to see me just now?!” 

“He was busy. You have to understand that you're not the only patient he's helping. Now, can you come with me?” 

“Give me a few minutes.” 

While the nurse was waiting for him in the corridor, Kouyou got up and crouched in front of Yuu before taking his hands in his. He had no desire to leave Yuu now, not when he could have another panic attack and he wouldn't be by his side to calm him down. He had absolutely no desire at all to be away from the teenager, but he had to. Because this time the doctor would maybe have all the answers to his questions. It's been many weeks, many weeks before Yuu's arrival, since the last time he saw him and Kouyou hoped that this time he would tell him more than just a simple “maybe”. 

“Is something wrong Kouyou?” 

“Nothing, I'm fine,” Kouyou answered with a smile, looking into Yuu's dark eyes where he could see all his questions and fears. “I'll be back soon don't worry.” 

“You promise?” 

“I do.” Kouyou kissed his lips a few time with the greatest tenderness he could show, feeling the boy shyly squeeze his hands. “And Takanori's here, you won't be alone for too long.” 

Yuu nodded, even though he wanted to tell him to not go and stay, he wanted to tell him to come back on that bed and take him again in his arms. But he couldn't be so selfish, not when a doctor was waiting for him. He had to let him go and be patient. Besides Kouyou was right, Takanori was here and while he would be away Yuu could spend some time with the younger boy. There was still a feeling of discomfort between them since Takanori's suicide attempt and they hadn't spoken about it since that day but Yuu was still glad to be able to see him every day. Yuu liked this boy and he could relate to him, because they were suffering from the same illness, because Yuu was the same depressed little boy some years ago, because he knew too well how hard it was to deal with depression at such a young age. And if Yuu could do something to ease his pain, he'd be happy to do it. 

Yuu would have liked to have somebody by his side when everything had started, somebody who would have reassured him but mostly helped him. He'd been all alone during these years, alone in his grief with no one to tell him the right words he'd hoped to hear. No one had taken him away from his home, no one had helped him to get his life back on track, no one had seen the smiling little boy becoming a scarred teenager. And because he had no one he couldn't let Takanori alone in his pain. 

“Can you come close to me?” 

The little boy didn't wait long to put his book aside and join Yuu on his bed and he soon felt two arms wrap him in an embrace. Yuu was hugging him and rocking him back and forth as Takanori could hear him whisper from time to time reassuring words like _it's going to be all right, I'm here_ , or _everything will be over soon_ , but Takanori couldn't tell if the raven was telling those words to him or if he was telling them to himself. Yuu was scared, he could feel it, and the only thing he could do right now was to hug him back and caress his long strands of hair in hopes that it would calm him down a little. 

They stayed like that until a nurse comes in the bedroom and reminds Yuu it was almost time for his medical examination. 

Yuu did the same gestures in the infirmary; undress, step onto the scale, wait for the digital numbers to appear, and feel the fear when he noticed he had gained weight. It was not a lot, but Yuu knew the consequences, knew what it would mean if he was keeping gaining weight. And he didn't want that, he didn't want to go. The nurse was maybe happy for him right now, because he would be able to leave the hospital soon if his weight continued to increase, but Yuu wasn't at all. It would mean he'd have to see his father again, go back home after almost a month away from him, and pray things would get better even if he knew it wouldn't. It would only be like before, maybe even worse... It was going to be worse if he was coming back home now. 

Yuu was putting his clothes back on, his mind preoccupied with thoughts when a second nurse came in the infirmary. 

“Oh Yuu I was looking for you, I have good news for you!” Yuu was expecting the worse hearing her words, he could even feel his stomach clench as he stood still and waited for the woman to go on. “You're leaving tonight. Your dad will pick you up before the curfew.” 

_It's a nightmare... I'm still sleeping..._

“Aren't you happy?” 

“I... I am...” He answered with a forced smile. “Can I go back to my room?” 

“I still have a few things to talk about with you,” She then made her colleague understand that she had to be alone with the teenager. “Yuu, I know asking your father to come here led to nothing, but if you have something to tell, do it now. It's not too late.” 

“I have nothing to say.” 

“I can't force you, just know that you can still come and talk to me. I'll help you.” 

“I don't need help...” Yuu said with a sad smile. It was too late anyway, even if he'd say the truth now it wouldn't change the fact that he was leaving tonight. 

The teenager didn't listen to what else the nurse had to say and returned to his bedroom as if he were led to the scaffold. There, he didn't answer to Takanori's questions and locked himself in the bathroom before sliding down the door and crying silently, letting his pain get out of his chest. 

* * *

Hidden in an empty room to have some privacy, they were whispering sweet nothings to each other. Akira had trapped the teenager between the wall and his body and was doing nothing except smile at him now. It was Yutaka who brought him in that room, claiming he wanted to spend more time with him alone, with no nurses or other patients around them. Just the two of them. But it only was an excuse, Yutaka wanted to talk to him about his own feelings concerning their relationship, his fears and desires. The only problem was that he didn't know which words to use. He wanted Akira to understand what was on his mind, but he wasn't able to put his feelings into words. Not that he was afraid of Akira's reaction – he was sure the man loved him as much as he did – but it was the puppet which was scaring him. Yutaka was afraid he might ruin things between them if it came back. Maybe Akira would understand if he showed him? 

Actually Yutaka wanted more. It was enough for him to spend some time like that with the man, yes, but he wanted so much more now. Maybe seeing Kouyou and Yuu so close was making him think like that? Maybe was he just jealous, envious to see their relationship evolve at this pace? Or perhaps was he not enough for the man? It must have been because of this. Compared to Akira, Yutaka was just a kid. A kid who was making him waste his time. 

“What's wrong?” Akira asked when he noticed the teenager's smile was fading little by little. 

Standing on tiptoe, Yutaka put his arms around the blond-haired's neck and kissed him without warning. Lips against lips and nothing more. No reaction from Akira, no attempt to reject the boy, no arms around Yutaka's body. Nothing. He was just standing still, like a statue, with an expressionless face. And that hurt Yutaka. Does that mean that the time he had spent with him and felt safe had only been a lie? That each time Akira had laughed with him had been a lie too? Yutaka didn't want to believe this, he certainly had to have an explanation, something to say. He couldn't just stay motionless and not say a single word when he could see Yutaka's pain just in front of him. 

The teenager kissed him again after having hesitated for a long time, but this time he let his hands touch more of Akira's body than just his neck. Yutaka hoped he would understand what he meant by his gestures, hoped he would kiss him and hug him back. Anything but stay there doing nothing. 

“Stop that Yutaka,” Akira finally said while grasping the teenager's wrists and putting them away from his stomach. “I don't want that.” 

“You... don't want?” 

“Not what you want or the way you want it. At least-” 

“I'm sorry... I hurt you, isn't it? I shouldn't have...” 

“Yutaka I-” 

“I'm really sorry...” 

Yutaka left the room without even hearing Akira calling him, telling him he'd misunderstood. 

* * *

When Kouyou went back to their bedroom slightly annoyed, the only thing he noticed was Yuu lying in foetal position on his bed and playing with its sheet. To see the teenager like that put a smile on Kouyou's lips and made him straight away forget the discussion he just had with the doctor. The simple fact of seeing Yuu was calming him, making him happier. He was another man with him, someone he couldn't recognize, someone he had started to like. The chestnut-haired walked to him, then sat on the floor and crossed his arms on the bed without taking his eyes off the raven for a single second. He startled him when he'd tucked his hair back behind his ear as Yuu had his eyes closed, and kissed the palm of his hand as an excuse. 

“See? I'm already back,” Kouyou said while gently stroking his forehead with his free hand, barely touching the skin. “What are you doing all alone?” 

Yuu shrugged enjoying Kouyou's caresses and added after some minutes of silence. "No one was here when I came back from the infirmary." It was a lie, but Yuu didn't want to tell Kouyou he'd been crying in the bathroom. 

"Why were you there?" 

"To check my weight... The same thing as always, nothing serious." 

“Your weight is a serious topic, don't take it lightly.” 

“Sorry...” Yuu whispered, curling up on himself and closing his eyes again. 

“I wasn't saying that to make you feel bad. Please look at me,” Kouyou sat on the edge of the bed and leaned over Yuu so that he could whisper in his ear. “I didn't want to hurt you, look at me sweetheart.” 

“I'm sorry... I'm sorry Kouyou...” 

“Come here,” The man took him in his arms and Yuu immediately put his arms around his neck, rubbing lovingly the tip of his nose against his skin, the same way a little kid could do it. “What's happening to you today? You're not like your usual self.” 

“I'm fine.” 

“I don't think so. Yuu you know you can tell me what's wrong, you can tell me everything.” 

“No... I'm sorry...” 

“You're worrying me,” Kouyou said in a low voice against the tip of Yuu's head, breathing in his scent and putting soft kisses against his hair. Kouyou had doubts about whether or not Yuu was at the infirmary to check his weight and he feared the teenager had to go there for another reason, the same as the past days. And Kouyou wasn't blind, Yuu wasn't doing well at all. Something had to bother him, that's why he was so cuddly and wanted Kouyou to keep him in his arms, kiss him and keep on whispering sweet nothings in his ear. 

“I'm here for you, and I'll always be. You just have to say a few words and-” 

Yuu hushed him by kissing his lips numerous times, feeling their softness against his own and Kouyou's hands holding him close. He would have given everything he had to stay just another day with that man, stay by his side and never leave him. Another day to share these moments with him, another day to feel safe with him, another day to feel loved rather than used like a toy. Kouyou was suspecting something and the raven dreaded the minute he would learn he was leaving. He didn't want to be at evening, didn't want to pack his suitcase and say goodbye to his roommates, to Kouyou because he knew his goodbye would be a farewell. He knew he would never see them again as leaving this place meant signing his own death warrant. 

“Stay with me... Just like that...” 

“I'm not going anywhere. As long as you want me by your side, I won't leave you.” Kouyou murmured against his lips after they'd parted while he stroked his left cheek with his thumb. 

“I am so sorry Kouyou, it's not what I want!” 

“Shhh it's all right sweetheart, it's all right. I don't know what you're talking about, but we'll find a solution. I won't let you be so heartbroken.” 

"Someone's lucky here." A sad laugh made them both look towards the door where Yutaka was standing, tears streaming down his cheeks. 

“Weren't you with Akira? Where is he? And what happened to make you cry?” Kouyou asked worried to see the teenager like that, it wasn't a good sign. 

“I left him over there, alone...” 

“I'll go get him, stay with Yuu.” 

The brown-haired teenager sat next to Yuu when the older man left the room. He stayed motionless and wasn't saying a single word, he only continued crying. 

“Why... are you crying?” Yuu asked him, putting shyly a hand on his shoulder as he didn't know what else to do. 

“I've hurt him... because I love him so much... I just wanted him to know how I felt but... but I'm so lost, I'm so lost I don't know what to do! I just want him to love me as much as I do but... it's not the case...” 

“Are you sure?” 

“I've hurt him Yuu,” Yutaka got closer to the teenager, too close, and slowly he sat astride on his lap and put his arms around Yuu's neck, his lips near his ear. "We're alike you and me, we're hurting the ones who love us as much as they're hurting us. You're hurting Kouyou and you don't even notice it..." 

Yuu could neither move nor push him away and he could even less say something. He was paralysed, shocked by Yutaka's behaviour towards him, shocked by his words. Was he really hurting Kouyou? Was he really doing that to the man who was so thoughtful towards him? Or was Yutaka lying? The raven had noticed the younger teenager wasn't himself and he feared he would see the same boy he'd seen in the garden, the same boy who had been playing with a dead bird. 

“Why haven't I the same luck as you?” 

He soon started to feel Yutaka's hands on his hips and his lips putting kisses along his jaw, then along his neck. He wasn't brutal in his kisses, they were soft and tickled him from time to time, they weren't intended to hurt him. At least that what Yuu thought. It was only when the raven had tried to push him away after long minutes of trying to make his body move that he'd felt Yutaka's teeth sink into his skin. The teenager couldn't help himself from letting out a cry of pain as his hands clutched Yutaka's top in a way of making him let go, but the more he was trying the more he was feeling the brown-haired bite him harder. Tears were running down his cheeks and Yuu was now begging him to stop. He didn't understand why Yutaka was acting like that, why he was hurting him, why he wasn't listening to him. 

It had seemed for Yuu as if an eternity had passed by when he felt a weight be taken off his thighs and someone carrying him in their arms and bringing him in the bathroom. 

As for Yutaka, he struggled for a few minutes before stopping all movements when he recognized Akira's voice. The man was whispering soothing words to him, asking him where was his Yutaka, asking the puppet to give him back the boy. And it worked, Yutaka came back to his normal self even though he was crying his pain letting silent sobs leave his mouth. Akira rocked him back and forth on his bed while he kept on whispering those soothing words and waited for his tears to stop running down his cheeks to talk. 

“It's not your fault Yutaka, stop crying now.” 

“I've hurt him... I've hurt Yuu again!” 

“He's with Kouyou now, he's going to be fine and-” 

“The only thing I know is hurting people... I can't do anything else... I've hurt you and now Yuu...” 

“You didn't let me finish what I had to say, just like back there,” Akira said as he gently lifted the teenager's head by his chin. “You've never hurt me and I know you never will.” 

“But I did... You rejected me... You don't love me the same way I do...” 

“It's not what I wanted, but you left so fast I haven't even had the time to explain myself. And then Kouyou came and told me you were crying,” The man stroked his cheeks, erasing the tears that were still on his skin then put a kiss on his forehead. “I'm not gifted with words you know... What I meant there was that I can't love you the way you want, we can't be lovers. At least not as long as we're trapped here.” 

“But... But...” 

“Look at me Yutaka, I love you. I really do. But I'm an adult and you're still so young. That kind of relationship can't be healthy for you. But I promise, when we will get out here I promise you won't have to doubt my feelings for you ever again. I'll make this effort only for you.” 

Akira brought him closer to his chest, still rocking him, and put soft kisses in his hair. The blond wasn't the kind of man who was making promises lightly, for this boy he was going to make them true. He was going to make him smile, make him truly happy and Yutaka wouldn't have to cry, never again. 

* * *

Yuu didn't notice time flew by so fast, and it was already dinner time. They were all five sat at the same table like every evening, but tonight the atmosphere was different, as if they were sensing something was going to happen. Something that would affect them all without exception. But none of them, except Yuu, knew what was going on inside these walls and inside the raven's head. 

The teenager hadn't touched his plate a single time. He had no will to eat knowing that his father would be here in just a moment or two and that it was his last meal with his roommates he had started to like and even love. Yuu had absolutely no will to leave them, no will to live again the same nightmare he was living for five years. And to think about it, to remember all that had happened years ago was taking away the few appetite he had. And in the middle of dinner Yuu wondered if it was now the right time to tell everything, if he still had a chance to escape his father's mistreatments and maybe if he'd speak now maybe he would still be alive tomorrow. 

He tried to speak, there in the middle of the canteen where everybody could hear him, he tried to let the words leave his mouth but the only thing he was able to do was to open his mouth. No sound escaped it, only air as his voice got stuck in his throat and Yuu shortly felt tears coming in his eyes. 

Kouyou had seen his troubles to try speaking, he had seen the raven's hand tense on the fork and the pain on his beautiful face. Of course he had asked him what was happening, but Yuu only shook his head without even looking at him. And apart from keeping one of Yuu's hands in his, the chestnut-haired didn't know what to do more. Yuu didn't want to talk since they had been both alone in the bathroom earlier and Kouyou wondered if he was going to ask him again if it was true he'd never hurt the man. Yuu was certain and convinced he was hurting him in one way or another even though it wasn't the truth, he had repeated this a good number of time. The teenager had explained him what had happened between Yutaka and him, he'd told him what the brown-haired had said, that he was hurting Kouyou and that it was the last thing he wanted to do to him. Kouyou had been listening to him before reassuring him while he'd been washing the few droplets of blood that were on Yuu's neck, a now purple bruise with teeth marks adorned it. 

For the first time Yuu noticed the clock on the wall and he felt his stomach hurt him when he saw what time it was. So he stood up and without warning left the canteen leaving his roommates with puzzled looks. Kouyou tried to follow him right after but was stopped by a nurse, telling him Yuu needed some time alone. That wasn't an acceptable explication for the man who started to have doubts again. 

In the bedroom Yuu put his opened suitcase on the bed while looking at it with dead eyes, looking at how empty it was and what it was meaning. Yuu remembered the first time he had seen it on this exact same bed, how he had talked so coldly to Takanori, how afraid he was of his roommates, the tears he had shed when Akira and Yutaka had talked to him for the first time. He remembered his bandaged head – bandages which were still under his bed – and the scar that was now hidden under his bangs, his first night in Kouyou's arms, his soothing words and his caresses in his hair and on his back. Now he was going to lose all of these, the feeling of being safe and loved, the happiness he had with them even though they had ups and downs. 

The raven was almost done when he started hearing his roommates' voices behind the closed door coming closer and closer. He heard a nurse talk with them, telling them Yuu was leaving and that they had to wait in the corridor, he heard them asking her why no one had told them earlier that he was leaving and why now. They couldn't, didn't want to believe that fact. Yuu couldn't leave now not when they weren't prepared, it was so sudden for all of them they hadn't the time to digest the information. 

A few minutes passed by until the moment someone barged in the bedroom. Yuu didn't need to look at that person to know who it was and he hadn't the strength left to face him. 

“So it's true. You're leaving...” Yuu could hear the hurt in his voice, the tears that were stuck in his throat. And it pained him so much to hear Kouyou like that, to know that he was hurt, that he was hurting him. “Please tell me it's a bad joke... Tell me you're not leaving, tell me you're staying with me, tell me they made a mistake and it's someone else who's leaving...” 

“I'm... I'm sorry Kouyou...” 

“Yuu... sweetheart look at me,” Kouyou said softly as he was taking one of Yuu's wrists in his hand. “I beg you, don't be scared of me now.” 

“I am so sorry I... I didn't want to do that to you.” The teenager admitted after finally facing the man. And seeing all the pain in Kouyou's eyes, his tears that couldn't fall, made his heart ache a little more. “I'm sorry, but I have to leave.” 

“No you don't. I know you don't want to leave, I know that it's the last thing you want. Because we both know why and... and I'm so afraid to see you walk out of here because I don't know when I'll be able to see you, if I can see you again. I'm losing you and it terrifies me...” The chestnut-haired hugged him tightly against him, enjoying one last time to have him in his arms and feeling him hug him back with the same force. “I don't want to lose you Yuu... You're the best thing that happened to me here and I don't know what I should do if you're not by my side anymore. You're going to be hurt if you leave and I'm so scared for you!” 

“It's all right Kouyou, everything's going to be fine for you, for me. You don't have to worry... Don't be worried about me.” Yuu tried to reassure the man as best as he could, forgetting his own fears and only focusing on Kouyou's feelings. He whispered those words in his ear again and again while caressing his hair. 

_Don't leave me_ , was the only thing Kouyou whispered between two kisses. He hoped the teenager would stay, he really did, but deep down he knew he was only making their goodbyes more difficult for the both of them. And Yuu as an answer was whispering to him that he shouldn't worry, that Kouyou would be fine even without him. Kouyou had hoped Yuu would never have to see him like that, but now he couldn't hold his tears back anymore. Yuu was going to leave him and he couldn't accept it. They were sharing in silence their last kisses, their last hugs, their last moments together. One hoping it was just a nightmare and that he wasn't losing him, and the other hoping he wouldn't have to feel so hurt for long. 

“Yuu it's time, your father's here.” A nurse interrupted them, leaving the door open so that everyone in the corridor could see what was happening in this bedroom. 

They both let go of each other unwillingly, Kouyou still whispering a few _please_ s. Without looking at him the teenager took his suitcase and walked towards the corridor, where his father was standing. He was smiling at him gently, wearing once again that mask of the good father, telling Yuu that he was going to spend a few days at home with him before going to another mental institution, a better one. And just as the teenager was about to leave, Kouyou put his arms around the teenager's waist once again and hold him tightly against his chest, almost hurting the raven-haired. Once again he was begging him to stay, to not go with his father because he was certain that right now was the last time he'd be able to see him alive. Those words pained Yuu but aside from telling him the same words over and over again, he couldn't do a single thing. 

After the surprise of Kouyou's behaviour had passed, a few nurses tried to make the chestnut-haired let go of Yuu, not without some difficulties. 

“Don't abandon me Yuu! Please stay... I love you!” 

Yuu heard his words clearly, but didn't say a single thing nor look at him. He simply couldn't, not when his father was watching them with his usual smirk on his lips, so the only thing he did was to leave the bedroom. And as Kouyou was watching Yuu's frame moving away more and more, he could feel his heart break into pieces. Yuu didn't even deigned looking at him, as if the teenager didn't care about what could Kouyou feel right now. But that wasn't the case, and the man knew it. He had just hoped that Yuu would look at him one last time after his confession and he had no idea what consequences his words would have when Yuu would be out of the hospital. And as soon as Yuu was out of his sight, Kouyou let out a few sobs as the nurses released him and didn't even notice that his roommates were now by his side, still shocked by Yuu's departure. 

* * *

“He loves you, huh? Interesting.” Yuu's father said with still that smirk on his lips as he was driving. 

Yuu hadn't said a word since they'd left the hospital. He had only been thinking about Kouyou's last words, about how hurt he'd sounded. He should have done or said something, but now it was too late. He was going home in Mie, in a house full of nightmares and memories. Or at least that was what he was thinking. 

“That... isn't the road to go back home.” 

“We're not going back to Mie, I've bought a new house here. It's our new start Yuu.” 

“What about your... job there?” 

“Oh you're worrying about me? You should rather worry for yourself.” 

The house was far from the town centre, in a calm residential area. It had a garden, but Yuu knew he would barely have the occasion to spend some time in it. He already knew this new home would give him another nightmares, another sleepless nights. It wasn't going to be a new start for the boy, only a descent into hell. And for a reason Yuu ignored, his father made him discreetly go into the house as if he wanted to hide his existence to the neighbours. 

Inside Yuu was petrified. He didn't want to be here, didn't want to feel his body shake in fear, didn't want to obey to his father when he told him to go upstairs. _The room at the end of the hallway, that's your bedroom_ , but it was anything but a bedroom. It was just too different from the one he had back in Mie, it wasn't a bedroom for a teenager. It was a torture chamber. Yuu would have given everything just to go back in the hospital, back to his roommates, back to Kouyou. He was having a nightmare, he would soon wake up and feel Kouyou's arms around his body, hear him whispering in his ear soothing words as he would try to catch his breath back. And Kouyou would kiss him and told him that he was just having a nightmare, that he was there and as long as the chestnut-haired was by his side, nothing would hurt him. 

Yuu heard the creaking of the door after some time and soon felt hands caressing his bare arms. Yuu knew too well where that was leading, what was going to happen in the next few minutes and he couldn't help but let tears run on his cheeks. 

“Let's celebrate your comeback.”


	11. Chapter 11

_Don't abandon me Yuu! Please stay... I love you!_

Kouyou had thought telling Yuu these words would make him stay. He had never imagined he'd be so wrong, that Yuu wouldn't even dare looking back at him. For the first time in forever the chestnut-haired had been clear on his feelings and that was the result, the one he didn't want to lose at any price was leaving him and who knows when they'd be able to meet again. They only were two drops in a vast ocean, no one could say when and how they'd see each other again. If they could, if it wouldn't be too late the day when Kouyou would leave that place, if Yuu would still be alive. Kouyou was so scared for the boy, if only he had remained silent on his feelings he wouldn't be there on his knees on the cold floor and crying his pain. 

“Kouyou... You should get up. You're going to catch a cold and I'm sure you don't want to get sick like I am.” 

“I don't care,” Kouyou replied with a hoarse voice from shouting to Yuu – even after he'd left the building – to not go, begging the teenager to stay with him where he could protect him. “I don't care what could happen to me Aki... Nothing matters anymore.” 

“Hey, it's not the time to let yourself go,” Akira said while helping the other man to stand on his feet. “I'm sure nothing will happen to him while he's with his father.” 

“I'm not as optimistic as you are... I have a nasty feeling about this whole situation. I'm going to lose him...” The man only whispered these last words as he sat on Yuu's bed and took his pillow in his arms. He could still smell the raven's scent on it and Kouyou couldn't help himself but shed a few more tears, hiding his face against the pillow. 

“Kouyou we're all going to miss him but...” Takanori – who had been silent since they had to wait in the corridor – started to speak. “But it's going to be all right. For you, for him... For everyone!” And as the chestnut-haired Takanori let his tears run on his cheeks. The little boy had lost a precious person in his life, or at least that was how he was considering Yuu as. Because he'd always understood Takanori's feelings, because he'd always tried to reassure him when they were spending time together and now Takanori regretted they hadn't spend more. But they were all going to be fine no matter what could happen. 

“Leave me alone... Please leave me alone...” 

Akira tried talking to him, but the man had no will to speak anymore. Kouyou wanted to stay alone on Yuu's bed, alone with his thoughts, alone with his pain and tears. He didn't want Akira to stay sat down near him and keep on trying reassuring him. All that Kouyou wanted was Yuu to come back, but he was aware he was asking for something impossible; the raven wasn't going to come back. He was going to stay alone with his father and endure unspeakable mistreatments, cry alone under his covers without that Kouyou be there to calm him down, harm himself like that time in the bathroom and no one would prevent him from committing the irreparable act. Kouyou lost the boy the moment he woke up today. 

When the lights went off the chestnut-haired had asked Akira to leave him alone and go to his bed, but the man didn't share the same view and instead stayed with him until he was too tired to talk, and in his bed he hoped Kouyou would feel a bit better the next morning. That night for the first time since almost a month Kouyou spent the night alone. Still on Yuu's bed with his pillow in his arms the man had spent long minutes crying after being sure all his roommates were deeply asleep, remembering his last moments with the raven, the joy Yuu had brought in his life, how he had changed him, how he was so heartbroken again now like he'd been after the accident some years ago. And in the dark Kouyou was imagining the worst cases and he was already dreading the day someone would announce him the boy's death, or the day he would see him again – if he'd be able to do so – but Yuu wouldn't be the same boy he'd known in this hospital. 

On this first night alone Kouyou hardly slept. He'd cried himself to sleep but as soon as he'd closed his eyes, nightmares were torturing him and it was always the same kind of nightmare. In those bad dreams, Kouyou was standing in a small and almost empty room with no windows or doors, and he could barely see a thing as it was plunged into a semi-darkness. He could barely see the worn wooden floor, the decrepit wall and its torn curtains which were useless in such a room, and he could barely see Yuu's frail body curled up in a corner. The chestnut-haired man tried walking towards him and it's only when he was close enough to the teenager that he noticed his body was covered in blood and heard him cry. Kouyou would have loved to take him in his arms and calm him down, but the moment he laid a hand on his body the room changed all of a sudden. 

Kouyou was still in the same room but it seemed larger and brighter now, and Yuu was nowhere to be seen. At least that's what the man thought, because while he was looking for the boy – feeling that fear increasing as minutes were passing by – he heard him call his name in a whisper. And as he turned over in order to face him, he clearly saw the blood on Yuu's wounded body; on his thighs, on his stomach, on his neck, and the blood that was flowing from his eyes like it was his own tears. Kouyou also saw Yuu stretching one of his hands out to him, still crying and calling his name, pleading the chestnut-haired to hold him in his arms and make him leave that place. Kouyou took some steps towards the boy but the more he was getting close to him the more Yuu was moving away. Or was it the room that was steadily increasing in size? He couldn't reach the boy's hand, couldn't make his tears stop nor make him leave that room. Kouyou hastened the pace of his steps when he heard Yuu scream and beg with such fear in his voice it sent a chill down his spine. And then he saw him. He saw Yuu's father next to his son hurting him in every possible way as he could still hear the raven calling him and begging him to help him as he was looking at Kouyou with his eyes full of tears. 

Kouyou woke up suddenly with a rapid breathing and beads of sweat trickling down his forehead and as he tried to calm himself down, he was glad it has just been a nightmare, glad he could still feel Yuu against him and smell his scent around him. Except that the only thing he was hugging in his arms was the pillow, not the teenager. Kouyou remembered then why he was feeling so hollow, so broken inside, and why he was having nightmares of Yuu. _He left me... He left me and he's not going to come back_. Kouyou stayed awake with his eyes wide open after that, too afraid to fall asleep again, too scared to have a nightmare again. 

A few hours later, Yutaka was the next one to wake up. Events of what had happened the day before were still clear as day in his mind and he couldn't help himself from feeling guilty about Yuu's departure. He had hurt the other teenager yesterday, he was a danger for him and his other roommates, that's why they made him leave this hospital. And now they were all hurt by Yuu's absence, absence that Yutaka was the only one at fault. If he hadn't been that sick, if he hadn't been through all these horrors during his childhood, Yutaka would have never been trapped here in the first place, he would have never hurt the raven-haired so much he had to leave that place. But wouldn't that mean that the only person at fault would be his own mother in that case? She was the one hurting him, she was the one scaring him and keeping him with her in the attic, she was the one who gave birth to the puppet. Yutaka had never asked for all these terrifying things she'd done. 

_Bad boy. You are a really bad boy with mommy, Yutaka_. 

He had no right to think that about his mother. She had always loved him, always pampered him, always showed him that he was her precious little boy. Yutaka had absolutely no right to hate her now, not after all what she'd done for him so that he'd stay faithful to his mother. 

“I'm sorry mom, please don't be mad... Yutaka is going to be a good boy, Yutaka's sorry!” The teenager kept saying he was sorry over and over again, not noticing he'd put his hands on his ears and had started crying, not noticing his whispers which had become louder had woken his other roommates, and Akira in particular. 

“Yutaka? Sweetheart it's okay, I'm near you,” Akira rushed to go by his lover's side and kept on whispering soothing words. “Don't listen to the voice, I'm here and it's not going to hurt you.” 

“Yutaka's sorry... I'm sorry everyone, it's my fault...” 

“What are you saying? You did nothing.” 

“I've hurt Yuu... And now he's gone!” 

“That wasn't you and you know it, right? Stop putting the blame on you,” The man put a few kisses on his forehead and in his hair, caressing gently the back of the teenager's neck. “You didn't make him leave. But... You know we will all have to leave one day, maybe even sooner than we think.” 

“I don't want to leave you!” 

“I don't want either, but that day will come eventually. We will see each other again outside, I'll make sure that happens and if I'd have to use force, just watch me!” His last words managed to make Yutaka and Takanori chuckle, but not Kouyou. 

Kouyou hadn't moved an inch since he had awoken, his eyes were still wide open and his hands tensed on the pillow. The man was half-listening to what was being said between his roommates as the only important thing that was on his mind right now was Yuu. Was he all right? Was he crying? Was he still alive? Or was he lying in his own blood somewhere, maybe in a dark alley or a ditch? Kouyou was so scared for his precious lover and it was frustrating him not to know what was happening to him, even though he had a little idea of what he had to be enduring right now. He could hear his screams and his voice begging, see his tears and the fear in his eyes and Kouyou could do nothing to prevent the boy from being hurt like that. Kouyou had a whole mix of feelings inside of him – pain, sadness, anger, frustration – he was feeling so useless right now but he could do nothing for Yuu. He couldn't leave the hospital, not now, couldn't help him, couldn't make his tears stop and calm his fears. 

“Hey, are you feeling better?” Akira asked him, sitting beside the other man, but added a few words soon after, embarrassed. “That... was a stupid question. But I hope you'll feel better soon, I truly do. Because the Kouyou you were at your first days here wasn't a pretty sight and...” Akira made a short break just to sit more comfortably beside the chestnut-haired. “You know how I feel about you, you know I consider you as a close friend and you know I really mean it when I say I want you to get better.” 

Akira had hoped Kouyou would say something, even just a word, but he didn't. The chestnut-haired man only squeezed the pillow tighter in his arms, closing his eyes as a few tears escaped from his eyelids. 

“Kouyou we're all missing him, it was too soon and no one told us but we're going to see him again. I promise.” 

Akira stayed by Kouyou's side until his sobs stop – a few ten minutes later – stroking his arm in an attempt to comfort him. He could understand his friend's pain as he would be in the same condition if Yutaka had to leave so suddenly and therefore what he could at least do was staying by his side and keeping on reassuring him. 

* * *

Later on that day, when the youngest boys had more or less recovered from all these emotions Yuu's departure had caused, a nurse came to see them or more precisely she came for Kouyou. Later on that day while the chestnut-haired hadn't said a single word since early morning, Akira saw him change, he saw the change at the exact moment Kouyou noticed the nurse in the room. The man saw his eyes full of sadness lit up with anger and knowing what Kouyou was capable of, Akira feared for the woman's safety. 

The chestnut-haired man got out of bed and started walking towards her in a threatening manner, letting Akira hold him back by taking him by his arm, preventing him that way from getting one step closer towards the nurse. 

“It's your fault, you're the only one to blame,” Kouyou shouted at her accusing her for all the pain he was feeling as his anger was increasing little by little as well as the pressure of Akira's hand on his arm. “He left and you did nothing... I had warned you, I'd told you what had happened! Why haven't you done something?!” The man's shouts alerted a few adults in the corridor but none of them intervened as the nurse let them know she had the situation under control, but they still kept an eye on him. As for her, she let Kouyou spat his anger at her, let him evacuate all his feelings. “Are you aware he might die if he stays with that man?!” 

“Kouyou calm down and listen to m–” 

“Don't tell me to calm down as if I were a damn kid! Bring him back! Bring him back to me...” His voice broke on his last words as tears got stuck in his throat and his hands soon started to shake. “Tell me just why... Why haven't you done something...” 

“Come with me, we have to talk.” She told him calmly and waited patiently for the man to dry his tears before leaving the room with him. 

In the infirmary, the woman made sure they wouldn't be interrupted then told Kouyou to make himself comfortable. The nurse asked him if he'd like a glass of water – which Kouyou accepted and it calmed him down for just a few minutes – and told him it was okay if he wanted to cry, that he could let his pain out in front of her, that she wasn't going to judge him. Kouyou thought about it for a few moment, the man had a certain pride to not cry in front of the nursing staff, but still shed a few tears when he saw the kind smile she had on her lips and her encouraging gazes. And between two sobs the chestnut-haired asked her why. Why it had to happen like that, why it was so painful, why Yuu had to leave him. 

“I miss him so much... Tell me he's going to come back. Please... Tell me he's just gone for a few days.” 

“I'm sorry Kouyou, I can't tell you that. And I'm sorry I couldn't do something to prevent Yuu from leaving, but our meetings with him and his father led to nothing,” She then took a document out of the drawer of her desk and showed to Kouyou the circled part. “See? That's their address.” 

“And?” 

“I don't have the authority to make this come true but I'll do as much as I can to make sure someone will go there and check Yuu's condition regularly. And if they let me do, I'll be the one to go there.” 

“You... would?” 

“Yes Kouyou.” 

Her answer gave hope to the chestnut-haired again but didn't made him feel any better. Maybe that way Yuu would truly be safe, maybe this would prevent his father from physically hurting him, maybe this would help Yuu to survive until the day Kouyou would leave that place. Kouyou hoped he was alright, but there was one thing both him and the nurse didn't know; Yuu wasn't in Mie anymore, he was far away now and no one was aware of that. 

* * *

"So... Is that true? A bunch of us are going to get fired?" 

"Yeah. Apparently the big boss fucked up pretty bad and doesn't have any other choice." 

"And what about _them_?" 

"I think the hospital is trying to transfer them to other institutions, but a lot of them are going to just be sent back home." 

That wasn't a conversation the blond-haired man had wanted to hear. Akira was on his way to the common room in order to meet Yutaka there, walking through the almost empty corridors when he heard bits of conversation coming from the nursing staff rest room. His curiosity had made him stop a few step before the opened door and he'd been listening to them since then. And what they said explained everything, it was now crystal clear for Akira. That's why he was seeing less and less patients in the canteen as days were passing by, that's why some nurses had already started leaving the hospital. Now the blond-haired felt as if they all were living with the sword of Damocles above their head. Who will be next? One of his roommates or another patient? Should he prepare himself mentally in case Yutaka would be the next one? Or maybe was it him? 

“Are you okay Akira? You're pale.” One of the nurses asked as he was coming out of the rest room. 

“Y-yes I... I have to go. Sorry.” Ignoring the nurse's gaze, Akira walked beside him and hastened to go to the common room. 

He found Yutaka sat on an old couch in a corner of the room, gazing into space and wiping away some tears from time to time. The teenager didn't even react when Akira sat beside him and took him in his arms, rocking him slightly back and forth, didn't react when he called him cute names just to see a smile on his lips. The blond-haired kept rocking him and whispering sweet words in his ears hoping he would feel better, hoping he would talk to him and tell him what was bothering him right now, even though the man already knew what it was, and he hoped his words would change his mind and make Yutaka finally understand that it wasn't his fault at all. 

A few minutes passed by during which Yutaka hadn't move a single inch nor said a word, and all of a sudden without warning, he stood up and ran towards a man who had just arrived in the common room with a nurse, snuggled against him and put his arms behind the adult's back crying more tears. 

“What's happening to my little boy?” Yutaka's father asked him once he got over the surprise. “Tell me why you're crying.” 

“I've... I've hurt a friend and... and now he's gone,” The teenager managed to say through his sobs. “I'm sorry... I'm so sorry...” 

“Please don't cry, I'm sure you did nothing wrong. You're my little boy, you're unable to hurt someone. Dry your tears now, daddy's here.” 

“I'm a monster...” 

“Excuse me, can you perhaps tell me what happened?” The man asked to Akira when he sat down on a chair near the couch with his son still in his arms. 

“Sure.” 

Akira told him everything, judging that it would be useless to lie to him as he would eventually find out the truth. He told him what Yutaka had done to Yuu during his fit and that since then he was convinced he was the one who made the other teenager leave, he told him that they ended up becoming what could be called friends and his leaving had only been so sudden for all of them that they were still kind of shocked by it. Yutaka's father had listened to him attentively while noticing the way the blond was looking at his son. _Oh_ , he knew too well what those eyes wanted to say, what they wanted to convey. He knew it too well because he had the same glances for Yutaka's mother, years ago. 

When the blond was over with telling him what had happened, he stood up and was about to leave the common room but Yutaka stopped him from doing it. And it surprised his father to see him be so cuddly with another man, but at the same time it wasn't reassuring him knowing they were so close. His dad was still scared for him after all that his mother had done to him. 

“Akira, right?” The man asked wanting to be sure he hadn't forgotten his name. “What kind of relationship do you have with my son?” 

“I, uhm, I... Well I...” Akira stuttered, feeling suddenly embarrassed by this question. 

“I'm not blind you know? I'm glad you're here for him while I can't be there all the time, but let me tell you something; don't ever force my son to do something he doesn't want. I'm not sure you know what happened to him in the past, do you?” 

“Not the whole story sir,” Akira wanted to leave right now as he was starting to see the man's point. “But I guess it has a link with your wife.” 

“It's not my place to tell you the truth, I'm just asking you to not hurt him.” 

“I assure you I won't.” 

Akira had already seen a few times Yutaka's father in the past, but he had never seen him like that, never seen him so protective toward his son. 

“Daddy? How is mom?” Yutaka asked after long minutes of silence between the three of them. 

"She's fine, but she's still at the hospital. And... she would like to see you." 

"No... No no no..." Yutaka shook his head while saying those words. "I love mommy but... But I can't." 

"I know darling, and it's okay if you don't want to. No one is forcing you." 

Yutaka's father stayed with them for another hour before telling them, reluctantly, that he had to go. But before leaving the common room, he didn't forget to remind Akira not to hurt his boy or else he'd be a dead man. 

_Sir, I feel so reassured now!_

* * *

Days went by in the twinkling of an eye and during that time, Kouyou's mental state had only worsened. He had barely talked to his roommates and nurses, barely eaten and slept and had only cried silently in the night, crying Yuu's name in his bed with the sheets still filled by his scent. This kind of pain was new to him, but also so _familiar_. He had lost him and he was still so dead scared for the teenager that he had the impression this fear would only leave him the day he'd be able to see him again. Kouyou was still having nightmares, still seeing Yuu's bloody corpse in his dreams which were hurting him more and more every day without the raven-haired. And the man didn't know if he'd be able to bear this pain for a long time. 

Kouyou had also asked the nurses, when he dared talking, if he could have a room of his own and since some patients had already left and thus more rooms were free, they gave him a room. The day the man had packed his stuff, he'd told his roommates that he didn't want to see them anymore, that it was pointless if Yuu wasn't there with them. Of course they'd protested, Akira first. The blond man had told him he was acting like a child, that avoiding them wouldn't bring Yuu back and that the only thing he was doing was hurting himself. Kouyou needed someone by his side and now he was only denying the help his friends were offering. But of course, they didn't listen to Kouyou's prohibition and went to see him all the same, sometimes one by one, sometimes the three together. 

And as he had expected, or hoped, his sister had been warned as soon as the nurses had noticed Kouyou's mental state had begun to decline. The first time Akemi came after a phone call from the hospital, she'd found her brother sat in a corner of his bedroom, his face hidden against his knees and crying his heart out. So like she always did, she took her brother in her arms and stayed on the floor with him, feeling Kouyou hug her as if she were his lifeline. That day, she'd spent countless minutes trying to calm his tears and his cries of pain, countless minutes trying to understand Kouyou's words interspersed by his sobs. 

Today again Akemi had come. Today again she'd had to calm her brother's tears, today again she had to reassure him that everything would be all right. 

“I miss him,” Kouyou whispered in the crook of her neck, trying to enjoy the caresses in his hair. “It hurts so much...” 

“I know Shima, and I'm sorry you have to feel this pain.” 

“And I love him so much... So much Akemi, you have no idea.” 

“Oh I do,” She told him while running her fingers through his shoulder length hair. “Do you remember the first time I came and he was with you? I saw your gazes, I saw how happy you were with him, I saw you loved him. And it kills me now to see my little brother like that.” 

“Why is everyone leaving me since the accident?” Kouyou asked her after some minutes of silence, letting his tears once again flow down his cheeks. “Do I have to always suffer for what I did?” 

“Shima... You know it wasn't his choice. And I'm sure right now he wants to be with you as much as you do.” 

“I'd rather be dead than continue suffering,” He said bluntly catching Akemi by surprise. 

“Don't you ever say that again, you hear me?! You're the only one I still have, you're my baby brother... I don't want to lose you too.” 

“I'm sorry... B-but it hurts so much...” 

“It's all right Kouyou I'm here,” She whispered to him while rocking him back and forth and kissing from time to time the top of his head. “I didn't want to yell at you, I'm sorry.” 

“I want to see him Akemi...” 

“Don't worry, I'll work things out. I want you to heal and it's not by staying here that you will. I'll find a solution, I'll find a solution so that you may be happy again.” 

“Is it... a promise?” 

“It is. I'm your big sister, I have to help you.” 

That day the nursing staff made one of the rarest exception and let Akemi stay longer with her brother. She stayed a few more hours drying Kouyou's tears and calming his fears, and only left him after dinner time when she was sure he'd eaten properly and had told him she was going to make him leave that place for a better one, an institution where the nurses and doctors were acting as such. 

* * *

The teenager had lost all sense of time long ago and he couldn't even trust the sunlight as he could never tell for how long he'd been unconscious when he fainted. He couldn't tell if a month or more had passed since his first day in this home and God alone knew how much he wanted to leave that place, dead or alive. Oh of course he had already tried a fair number of times to leave, but he was either unlucky every time he tried or his father always made sure his son was weak enough to be unable to move. 

Not a single noise could be heard in the bedroom right now, not even Yuu's breathing. The raven-haired was lying on his bed – a simple mattress near a radiator – his frightfully thin body naked and marked with wounds was hardly hidden by the small blanket. And he was shaking. Because just now he could have sworn he'd heard the entry door being shut followed by the sound of footsteps approaching. Yuu couldn't move, far too scared to even blink and he felt his whole body tense up when he heard the door slowly open. 

“Daddy's home sweetie, and daddy's got a long and tiring day.” 

Out of the corner of his eyes, Yuu saw him kneel beside him and he soon felt one of his hands touching his body, caressing it in a disgusting manner. He could feel this same hand wandering on some fresh wounds making him let out a small cry of pain, brushing his thighs and going closer and closer to his private part. The raven-haired was too scared to say something, paralysed to even try to get away from his father's touches. Yuu couldn't prevent some tears from running down his cheeks when his father sat astride on him and saw him remove his belt with which he tied his wrists together, tightened enough, so much Yuu thought it would melt into his skin. 

“I've missed you today, and I was looking forward to coming back home and using this body of yours,” He told him, leaving a few kisses and bite marks on his upper body making Yuu shiver with disgust and fear. “Have you been a good boy while I was at work?” The man added after a while, still caressing Yuu's pale skin. 

“P-please... n-not today,” The raven-haired teenager managed to say between his sobs, pulling on the belt in a way of trying to get rid of it. “You won't hear me... Please s-stop it...” 

He didn't see that first punch coming, even though he was so used to it now it was still so damn painful. And not only physically. 

“I bet you've never begged him when he was fucking you like the whore you are,” His father said, a tint of anger mixed with frustration of having been away from his son in his voice, as he put his pant and underwear down and spread Yuu's legs. “What was his name again? Oh right, _Kouyou_.” 

Yuu was shaking like a leaf now and was still begging his father to stop when he spread his skinny legs more, still stuttering countless _please_ s and _I'll obey_ s as he'd done the very first time. But his father didn't listen to him and the pain he then felt was like a sharp knife playing with his inside. Yuu cried, Yuu screamed, and Yuu begged more again. He wanted that pain to stop, no matter how. He just wanted it to stop no matter if it would mean he had to be dead. But the only thing he got were another punch in his already bruised face and other insults. 

"Don't make daddy angry Yuu, you know what happens when daddy's angry." 

Each thrust was more painful than the previous one, each thrust was disgusting Yuu – from himself, from the man he used to call father, from what life was bringing him right now – and making him feel so ashamed. Because even though he was in such a pain, even though he was crying, his body was reacting to the man's caresses. And seeing how his body was reacting, hearing his son's muffled moans was delighting him. 

“Moan more for me sweetie. Show daddy how much you love him,” He ordered as he was driving in and out of his son, extorting painful gasps from Yuu. 

“S-stop... _Ahh_...” 

“Let me hear you more,” He whispered in his ears before adding another painful bite mark to his neck. “Let me hear how much the whore you are likes it.” 

The more minutes were passing by, the more Yuu was disgusted by himself. He didn't want to let his voice out and please his father, but the caresses between his legs were making him do the opposite. The man was right, he was a whore, he shouldn't be reacting to what he was enduring, shouldn't feel these waves of pleasure make his body tremble and make his lower part throb between his hand. And the raven-haired felt even more bad and nauseous when he reached his climax, staining his own stomach when he came, and tears silently running down his face more than ever. 

He'd thought his father would leave him now that he'd humiliated him enough, but Yuu was wrong. _Oh so wrong_. 

The man stood up, still hard, and grabbing Yuu by his hair forced himself in his son's mouth, almost choking the teenager with his deep thrusts. Yuu tried to get rid of his grip, but with his hands still tied up he couldn't do more than just trying. The boy only hoped it would be soon over, that he would leave him alone in this small room with his pain and tears, until the next time. 

His father started to increase the speed of his thrusts at the same time as his gaspings were more and more disgusting to Yuu's ears, and soon enough Yuu's ordeal found its end. He was coughing, almost vomiting when the man let him go and still standing in front of him he was looking at the boy with this big and satisfied grin on his lips, looking at the mess Yuu was now with tears and remains of his release on his face. 

“Look at you, no one would ever want you like that. You will stay with me, _forever_.” 

He left the room after these words and after having removed the belt from his son's wrists. Yuu waited to hear the sound of his footsteps in the stairs to lie back down on the mattress. There, he weakly hide his body stained with blood and cum under the blanket, letting his tears run down his cheeks once again. Yuu felt so hurt, so ashamed, so so dirty. His whole body was aching, his whole soul was yelling and he was crying silently, too afraid his father would come back if he heard him. And under this blanket he wondered what he'd done wrong in his life to endure such cruelty, if it wouldn't have been better if he never was born. 

Yuu wanted his mother by his side, wanted her to reassure him and tell him his father would never hurt him again, because she was there and in this way he would never ever lay a hand on him. He wanted Kouyou to be by his side too and tell him that everything was going to be all right, that he was going to take care of him and just treat him the way he deserved it. But neither of them was there, neither of them was whispering the words the teenager was waiting, neither of them was taking him in their arms and hold him tightly in their embrace. Yuu was all alone with his pain and dark thoughts. 

_Mama... I want to die..._


	12. Chapter 12

Several months had passed by since Yuu's departure. Several tears had flown, several breakdowns had occurred since then, and not only for Kouyou. They all had had their ups and downs after the raven-haired teenager had left them. All of them, even Akira who had been the one to always be smiling and trying to cheer up his roommates when they were feeling down. But with time, Yuu's former roommates got eventually better. Better enough so that they could leave the institution too. And today they were all outside. 

Everybody had thought Kouyou would have been the next one to leave, because he'd told them one day what his sister intended to do for him, so they started enjoying every little second they could still spend with him without noticing time was running out for two of them. Kouyou hadn't been the next patient to leave. Akira was. 

Once again it had been a surprise for all of them, Akira himself too. It had happened after his weekly medical check when the nurse told him that he had finally completed his contract like they called every accords made between doctors and their patients. It had taken him time, she'd said, but now he was free to leave right now if he wanted or tomorrow if he wanted to spend one last night with his roommates. He'd left the next morning after having spent a part of the night reassuring Yutaka he'd be fine without him and after having made him promise he was going to recover too, and that morning Kouyou had made the effort to leave his room in order to say goodbye to his friend. The blond was going to miss him too and deep down he was hoping it would get better for him and that one day, they were going to make something outside, all the five of them. 

Akira left those thoughts out with a smile and put the key in the lock. He was back home, finally. Even though right now it was freezing inside, he was glad to be back in his flat. It is true that Akira had been afraid to leave the hospital, afraid of a possible relapse, but he was confident now. Because he had to be strong for himself, for his family but most of all for Yutaka. He was going to be present the day the teenager would leave the hospital, he was going to be there for him, he was going to play a part in the boy's future as they'd made the promise. 

The man placed the few envelopes he had in his hands – bills, bills, advertising for a new shop and products, more bills – beside his landline phone and noticed he had a few missing calls, most of them from his parents. 

_"Hey dude! Haven't heard from you in a long time. We should hang out again. Call me back!"_

_"Aki it's mommy. I wanted to hear you today, but I guess I'm calling you at a wrong time. I love you, bye!"_

_"Why aren't you giving us some news from you Akira? Your mother is worried sick you know? Call us back."_

_"Suzuki Akira... Ohh I'm sorry I dialled a wrong number!! Have a nice day sir!"_

_"We came to your flat today, and one of your neighbours told us you're currently in a mental hospital... We didn't see you were feeling that bad... Why haven't you told us? I feel I've failed my duty as your mother... No one even know in which hospital you are. We hope you'll be out of there soon. We love you."_

This one was the last voice message. And now Akira felt guilty. He should have told them yes, but he hadn't wanted to make them worry for him more than they already did. But maybe it was his mistake as he'd told his psychiatrist to not tell his parents in which hospital he'd be admitted if they would ask her. Maybe he should have talked to them about his situation because even though he had Yutaka and his friends there, he wouldn't have been against seeing his parents from time to time. It's been a few months now they hadn't heard from their son, he should correct this. 

So Akira quickly dialled his parents' home number, feeling a little stressed when he heard the ringing tone. It was his mother who picked the phone up, and hearing her voice mixed with surprise made him shed tears. Tears of joy, tears because of the stress he was feeling, tears because he'd missed her, he couldn't tell exactly why he was crying. They talked together for long minutes, almost an hour during which his father had joined the conversation, he told them he was sorry for not having warned them and he hadn't been able to say one word more that his mother interrupted him straight away, telling him they'd have enough time to speak about it, so they made the decision to come to their son's apartment the next day in the late afternoon, that way Akira would have enough time to rest. 

When the man hung up, a broad smile split his face. Tomorrow he was going to make up for his mistakes and all the pain they'd felt because of him. He was outside now and he was going to rebuild a normal life. A life in which he was going to smile everyday, in which he was going to be a better person until Yutaka comes back into his life. 

* * *

He had to do it. The teenager wanted to prove himself that he really was feeling better now and cured, that his past was and should stay in the past. And to prove it, Yutaka had to go in the attic even if his father was against the idea. He had to do it, and deep down inside him the little boy he'd been back then wanted to go in there too, but he was still so scared. In his head, the teenager promised him that the puppet and the bogeyman weren't in the house anymore and that they wouldn't hurt him again. Yutaka then pushed the door after a few more moments trying to reassure himself. 

The attic was the same as in his childhood memories; dark, dusty, creepy, silent. Lots of boxes were piled up in a corner, some full of kids toys, others full of old clothes. And nothing there, today, was there to remind him all the atrocity he had to endure, not even his little toy car he'd thought he'd lost and was laying near one of the boxes. Nothing. Yutaka wasn't seeing his little body in a corner of the room being assaulted, he wasn't hearing his mother telling him how lucky she was to have an obedient child like him. Yutaka was only seeing the dust, the boxes and his father by his side. 

"Dad," The teenager started calmly before looking at his father who was glancing at his son with worry. 

"You've been in there for too long, let's go back downstairs now. I told you I disagree." 

"Dad it's okay, I'm fine," Yutaka told him with a smile trying to ease that disapproving frown on his face, even though he was sure now that what he was going to say wasn't going to make him worry less. "And... I think I'm ready." 

"Ready for what?" 

"To go see her." 

"I don't think it's a good idea. You're back home since only a few days! Wait a little longer," His father said trying to dissuade him from going there. It was too soon, well too soon for the teenager and the man had huge doubts Yutaka had overcome his trauma. 

"I am ready, plus she can't hurt me there! And you'll be with me so I'm going to be fine!" 

They left the house for the mental institution where Yutaka's mother was confined in the middle of the afternoon, some days later. 

He was ten years old the last time he'd seen his mother. In Yutaka's mind she had always been a beautiful woman, the one who was always taking care of herself, treating herself with expensive jewellery, perfumes or clothes, a perfect wife and mother and despite all the things she'd done to him Yutaka – as a kid – had always believed she did them for his own well-being. But now, the woman sitting in front of him was completely different from the woman he used to call mother. Long dark and messy hair had replaced her always neat haircut, her cheeks were hollow now and her dark-ringed eyes were making her seem older than she was. His mother was thinner than before, much thinner, and so different compared to the memories he had from her. He wouldn't have recognized her if a nurse hadn't led him and his father to his mother's room at the end of a long corridor. 

"Yutaka!" She exclaimed joyfully as soon as she noticed her son at the doorstep. With a tight smile Yutaka waved at her and took several steps backward when she stood up from her bed and walked toward him with open arms. He moved back almost too quickly, but got a grip on himself and didn't show any emotion, glad his father was still standing next to him bringing him some support. The woman saw the change in his son's attitude and gave up on hugging him, disappointed. "It's been a long time Yutaka, hasn't it? Mommy missed you a lot sweetie." 

"I... I missed you too," The teenager said under his breath. It wasn't totally a lie. He really did miss his mother, but she was gone since many years, since the first time she'd beaten him. The woman who was in that room wasn't his mother anymore and he wasn't sure if he would be able to see her again, if she was going to heal just like him or not. 

"I'm so glad you're here," She said while sitting back on her bed and patted the mattress, a gesture that Yutaka understood right away and he hesitantly sat beside her making sure a certain distance was between them. "Talk to me, let me hear your voice." 

But Yutaka had huge troubles talking to her. He was avoiding looking at her, avoiding her hand which was always trying to take his or touch his arm. And when she was pleading him to talk to her, Yutaka answered with only few words. It was impossible for him right now to have a simple talk with his mother, too anxious she might imply something about his past, about the time he'd spent at the psychiatric hospital, about the relationship they had back then when she was still at home. Yutaka was distant with the woman and only stayed close to his father, as if he could prevent his wife from doing something, hurting their son or saying a word that would reduce to nothing all of Yutaka's efforts. Now that he was finally discharged from hospital, he had absolutely no will to relapse again. 

"I think we are going to leave now," The father said looking at his watch. 

"Already? Can't you stay a little longer?" She asked with pleading eyes, pleading eyes that were on Yutaka, making him feel uncomfortable. "Can I at least ask my baby boy for a hug?" 

"Yutaka, you don't have to." 

"I'm fine dad. I owe her this." The teenager then walked to his mother who hugged him gladly against her, whispering how much she was happy to have seen him again after all this time, whispering that her baby boy had to stay with her just like before. She would take care of him like she did in the attic, she would make him not wanting to leave her once again, he'd been a really bad boy and he needed to be punished now. Those words petrified Yutaka while flashbacks from his childhood were coming back to his mind. 

"Yutaka? Come now, we're going home." 

"I'm co-coming," He stuttered, looking at his mother with fright in his eyes. 

"See you soon sweetie." 

The teenager didn't pay any attention to her last words and rushed to leave the hospital, without paying attention to the few nurses he was shoving. Outside, he leant against his father's car and tried to get back his normal breathing. Breathe in. Breathe out. And once again. But it was easier said than done. Yutaka wasn't able to calm down, his body was shaking violently and he was feeling nauseous. Maybe his father had been right a few days ago, maybe he wasn't ready to see his mother, maybe it really was too soon for him. He should have stayed at home and wait for his father to come back from work. But because he had wanted so badly to prove him he was ready, the man had taken a day off and now Yutaka was once again tortured by his memories. He should have stayed at home, he would have been fine. 

"Yutaka–" 

"Let's go home." 

They didn't talk during the whole ride. 

At home the teenager took a long and burning shower as he wanted to remove every sensation of her hands on his body, clean every inch of his skin she had touched. Back in his room, dried and clothed, Yutaka laid down on his bed feeling completely worn out by this day and looked at the ceiling, his mind focused on something else. Someone. He would have loved talking to Akira right now, telling him what had happened and hear his deep voice soothe him. Except that he had no means to contact him, absolutely none and the teenager didn't know if he would be able to see the man he still loved soon or not. It had been hard for Yutaka when Akira had left the hospital, but he had promised he'd be fine. Now Yutaka just had to be patient because he knew they were going to meet again and that simple thought managed to make him smile, even if it was faintly. 

A knock on the door brought him back to reality. He pretended to be well by smiling to his father when he saw him at the doorstep. 

"What is it dad?" 

"I was going to bake cookies and thought you would like to help me." His father said, a light pink apron tied behind his back. 

"I'm coming." 

This little moment baking with his father managed to change his mind. During this time, he had forgotten the fear he had felt in her arms, and for a short while Yutaka had forgotten all the bad memories. Once the cookies were put in the oven the teenager had found the courage to tell his father that yes, he'd been right. 

He wasn't ready after all. 

* * *

"Are you ready?" 

"Can you wait a little longer?" Kouyou asked after having closed his suitcase. It was time, time to leave that place where he'd spent almost a whole year, a place where he'd made plenty of memories, as good as bad ones. It was time to move on. "I have to check something." 

Kouyou had spent the past two weeks wondering why none of his former roommates hadn't come to see him in his room, wondering if they were finally done with his sickness and had decided to just leave him alone with his pain and nightmares. Or maybe were they all gone. He remembered clearly the last time he'd seen them all together, during one of his bad days which were happening way too often since Yuu's departure. Even though the man had told them countless of times to not come, they'd never listened to him, but on that particular day they should have. 

As usual they tried to make him participate in their conversation, but Kouyou remained silent and only half listened to what they were talking about. However, one of their topic caught his attention. Kouyou didn't remember how they came upon that one, but when he heard Takanori tell them that he'd lost his twin sister on a snowy day just like today, Kouyou snapped and went back to his former self, the one he'd been during the first weeks here. Withdrawn, cold, violent without knowing how to hold himself back. Kouyou remembered the harsh words he told them, he remembered the fear in Takanori and Yutaka's eyes, his voice pleading them to not call him a monster, a murderer, that it was an accident. He remembered his hands around Akira's throat when the other man had tried to calm him down and prevent him from hurting anyone else as well as Kouyou himself. On that day he'd almost killed his friend if the nursing staff hadn't intervened, and since then none of them came back. They should have known that family was a sensitive point for Kouyou, especially when it comes to his sister, but they didn't and the chestnut-haired couldn't blame Takanori for this. He should have opened up to them from the beginning. 

Kouyou told Akemi to wait for him outside the building and left the room. In the corridor, he headed for the nursing staff rest room hoping they would have the answer to his question. 

"Excuse me?" Kouyou said while opening the door without bothering to knock and added when he noticed a few nurses in the room. "Maybe one of you could help me." 

"What can we do for you?" 

"The ones I used to share a room with, are they still here?" 

"I'm afraid you're the last one." 

"Oh. I see..." So he was the last one, and none of them came to tell him goodbye. Kouyou thought that he had to mess things up pretty badly for them to completely ignore him and that he deserved it. It wasn't the first time he hurt them, this had to stop and he had to step out of their lives. "Thanks and.... goodbye I guess." 

"Good luck for the future Kouyou." He left them without adding a word. 

Akemi patiently waited for her brother in her car and said nothing when he got in the vehicle fifteen minutes after she'd left the building, his eyes red and a little swollen. She didn't ask him any question nor made a comment when she saw him wipe away a single tear, but only took one of his hands in hers and gave him a gentle smile. 

"Let's go home." 

Kouyou needed time to get better, to get back on his feet, to ease the pain Yuu's absence was causing to him. And she was going to give him that. As she'd promised, she'd found another mental hospital which was willing to accept Kouyou's admission, but for now she wanted to give him a bit of a break. That's why she gave her brother no other choices than to spend a few days with her. 

The first night had been hard for the both of them. Emotionally tired, Kouyou went to bed early, however he couldn't fall asleep no matter how hard he tried. Akemi had checked his condition a few times, not without giving some concern, and had decided to stay with him when she'd heard him cry around 01 am. Feeling his sister at his side soothed the young man who hugged her tightly when she whispered in his ears that he could sleep without fear, she was there to protect him. Kouyou was used to hearing those words when he still was a teenager and they had that effect of making him feel better. Because she was at his side, nothing could happen to him, no insults nor punches would harm him. And it's snuggled against Akemi's warm body that he finally fell asleep. 

But not for long. 

In his sleep, Kouyou heard someone scream and cry, and hearing those sounds made his chest tighten painfully. _Yuu's crying again, he needs me_ , was his first thought, but it wasn't Yuu who was in his dream, or rather nightmare. Yuu wasn't in pain, Yuu wasn't the one looking at him with dread in his eyes, Yuu wasn't the one saying sorry. Yuu wasn't the one hugging a body against his chest. _He_ was. For a reason Kouyou didn't want to acknowledge, his mind had decided to play a particular scene that night, an old memory he would never forget. 

It had taken long minutes for Akemi to manage to wake her brother up. In the middle of the night, feeling his arms holding her way too tightly and his nails sinking deeply into her skin had awoken her. She'd heard him cry and ask for help, say he was sorry countless of times and it didn't take her long to understand what kind of nightmare Kouyou was having. The woman sometimes too had the same kind of dream even though it had happened years earlier. This loss had left an eternal opened wound deep inside of them. 

When Kouyou finally woke up in a jolt, his body drenched in sweat and tears, the first thing he did was screaming. He didn't care if the neighbours were going to hear him, didn't care if his throat was going to be painful the next day, he only wanted to scream until his pain disappear. Scream so that the voices in his head that were imploring or insulting him would finally be silent. 

"I'm here Kouyou," Akemi told him as she hugged her brother from behind and laid her head against his back. "It's over. It's over. I'm with you." 

For endless minutes, the bedroom was filled with Kouyou's screams and Akemi's whispers. Kouyou was hurt and thanks to that dream, he was back to square one, back to that time. A teenager who was dealing with self-hate and guilt. He would have done everything to go back to that day, he would have done everything to make up for his act and prevent the fatal consequence. He was suffering for 8 years now, they were all only because of him. 

"I saw her again," Kouyou's voice was hoarse when he spoke and Akemi could notice his attempts to keep from crying again. "It hurts... It hurts so much to remember her..." 

"I know," she said calmly, then took her brother more comfortably in her arms and rocked him like a kid. "No one is going to forget her. She's still with us," Akemi whispered while caressing one of his cheek and shed silently a tear. "It's okay now, you'll be fine." 

Both couldn't fall back asleep after that. 

A few days later, Akemi drove him to the mental hospital where he was going to spend some time. In a way, Kouyou was scared; scared to be in an unknown place with unknown people and an unknown nursing staff which was going to treat him similarly to the one he had learnt to hate. He didn't want to endure those treatments again, didn't want to be a freak for other patients. His own thoughts were already pushing him down and now the only thing he needed was to get better. For himself, for his family, for his friends. For Yuu. 

When he arrived, a nurse came to meet them and explained how this hospital works while leading them to Kouyou's room, already occupied by another patient, and as soon as she was sure the man had no questions, she left him with his sister. Akemi was worried to leave her brother now knowing that his moral was still at its lowest, but Kouyou assured her that he was fine and that she could leave without fear. Moreover he wasn't alone and that couldn't be a bad thing. 

"I was wondering when they were going to give me another roommate," The boy who had long hair dyed in black and red broke the silence between them after Akemi's departure. 

Kouyou took his time to look at him. The boy seemed younger than him, tall and thin. He was sitting on his bed, his legs against his chest and was avoiding Kouyou's gazes. At first, the man thought he was only shy, but changed his mind when he noticed him tremble with fear. 

"Are you scared of me?" Kouyou asked making his voice sound as gentle as he could, this situation giving him a feeling of déjà vu. 

"It's not against you. It's... it's my illness." 

"Oh I see," Kouyou knew too well it wouldn't be a good thing to ask him more about his condition. He had to give him some time just like his friends had done for him before. "My name is Kouyou by the way. May I ask yours or me talking to you is already too hard to bear?" 

"Minato." He answered after a few moments during which he had made great efforts to not panic. 

Later on the day, Kouyou told him that he had nothing to fear. He was there to get better because he'd lost too many people as a result of his condition, that's why he wanted to heal. He would be able to take care of someone dear to him. 

* * *

It had started to rain when Yuu reached three hours by counting. He had no other choice than to spend his "free" time counting seconds after seconds until his father comes back home to keep track of time. Yuu couldn't even call this house his home, it was his prison, his bird cage in which he had to sing whenever his owner wanted to. Yuu had no freedom. He wasn't allowed to leave that room without his father, wasn't allowed to use the bathroom without him keeping a close watch on his son, wasn't even allowed to go outside. Since how many months didn't he feel the wind through his hair or the sun against his skin? Since how many months didn't he walk in the grass or on the sand? Yuu only knew this house, he knew every of its corner; from the rough rug in the living room which bruised his knees repeatedly, to the crack in the bathtub. He was his little prey. Yuu didn't need his freedom, his father was keeping him safe in here and as he'd always told him he knew best what was good for him, that everything he was making Yuu go through was for his own well-being. And the boy only had to obey. He was his slut after all, and his only. 

Three hours and a half later, Yuu decided it was time for a change. Luckily for him today his father hadn't locked the door when he'd left him after another abuse, thinking his son was weak enough to not move an inch until he'd come back. His body was sore when he sat correctly on the mattress and Yuu noticed new bruises on his bare legs. The raven-haired didn't want to imagine what could other parts of his body look like because when he laid his eyes on those purple marks, the pain was already telling him enough. And the memories too, even though lately every time his father was playing with his body it was as if Yuu wasn't the one suffering, but someone else. In those moments, Yuu was only the viewer of his own rape. 

Wincing in pain, the boy put on clothes close to being clean and tried to walk to the door without stumbling. He had to leave that place, he had to at least try. And then, where was he going to go? He knew neither someone in this town nor a single place, but what mattered the most to him now was to leave this hell. Walking down the stairs was hard for him, his legs weren't able to carry him for a long time, he was feeling dizzy and nauseous, and due to his anxiety his heart was beating too fast thus giving him a migraine. What if he was still at home? Yuu didn't remember hearing him leave, but at the same time the house had been too quiet since the past hours. He had to be gone. 

Yuu froze when he heard the sound of the door being unlocked, his hand on the doorknob. It was too good to be true, something had to happen, something had to prevent him from escaping. Who would have known his father would come back home earlier than planned? The man was standing in front of him now and locked the door behind him with a calm expression on his face, before paying attention back to his son who had in the meantime taken a few steps backward. Yuu knew too well this calmness wasn't a good sign, his body had understood it quickly and was now shaking like a leaf. Yuu saw him hang the keys of his car at the entrance then remove slowly his coat as well as his tie before walking to his son. 

"I'm really disappointed Yuu," The man started with a low voice, taking Yuu's chin between his fingers forcing the raven to look at him. His father's eyes were dark and full of anger. "Really, really disappointed. How many times did I tell you to not leave your room?" 

"I–I'm sorry I–" Yuu couldn't end what he wanted to say, his father's hands were around his throat. 

"Daddy's angry Yuu." 

The teenager could breathe less and less as the grip on his throat was becoming stronger. His ears were ringing, the world was spinning and he thought he was going to die there, in the corridor against a wall and by his father's hands. Yuu wouldn't be able to see the outside world like he used to call it. He wouldn't be able to see the ones from his memories. Yuu already knew he would never see them again, but a small part of him hidden deeply in his soul was hoping he would one day. Hope was the only thing he had, even if it was a lie. He was going to die full of shame and regrets. 

Except that today was not the day. 

Yuu fell on his knees when his father let go of his throat, coughing as air was filling his lungs again. He could feel his gazes on him scrutinising every inch of that poor mess he was on the floor, looking through him with those burning eyes. Physical abuses and rapes were his routine, but to be choked? It only happened when Yuu disobeyed. The man loved playing with his life, he loved having that control over his breathe, deciding whether he should live or not, and watching Yuu pass out. 

However, Yuu didn't see coming what his father did next. 

The man's grip on his hair was unexpectedly firm as he dragged him on the floor to the kitchen without paying attention to Yuu who was screaming and imploring him to stop. The teenager banged his head against the oven when he let go of his hair, and stayed like that his face against the oven, too afraid his father would hit him once more if he moved. Yuu heard him look for something in one of the drawers nearby and within the next seconds he felt again his harsh grip on his hair and saw it. Yuu saw the knife he was holding in his hand, and all the memories he thought he had forgotten since then came back to haunt him. 

"Daddy's really disappointed. And furious." 

"I–I won't try again... P–please..." 

"I have to punish you," He told him making the knife slide along his right leg. "And maybe you'll finally obey or else I will have to hurt you really badly." 

"Please don't..." 

"I would start with your ankles," The man grinned cutting his ankle deeply enough to make him bleed and scream. "Then your knees," Tears were running down the boy's face as he was begging for him to stop. He would have loved to struggle, but he was too weak and him too strong. "And finally, if the whore you are still hasn't understand, I would cut your thighs off." 

Yuu was alone on the floor, crying and bleeding, wondering what he should do now. Should he crawl back upstairs and stay on his mattress? No. Yuu would stain the floor with his blood and he'd get mad again. If he stains the floor, his father would do more than just a few cuts. He could only wait until his father would come again in the kitchen. 

He must have fainted, because Yuu didn't remember seeing his father coming back to the kitchen when he saw him standing in front of him moments later. 

"I don't do this gladly you know," Yuu's father whispered as he knelt and started cleaning his wounds with care. "But you give me no other choice, sweetheart. That's my only way to make you obey. Don't force me to do to you the same thing I did to your mother." 

"I'll obey..." 

"Daddy loves you," The kiss he gave him disgusted the boy more than anything else, more than what he had in mind in order to stay alive. 

"I love you too daddy." 

Maybe it was nothing, maybe it was the mention of his mother, but something awoken in him. Something he had never known before. 

* * *

It was in the middle of the afternoon when Takanori decided to lie down on his bed, surrounded by his stuffed toys and his favourite one in his arms. This one, a white teddy bear dressed in a dark navy-blue Victorian style, was the only one able to make him fall asleep, the only one still in one piece and the only one he would keep until his death. It wasn't just a simple teddy bear his mom had bought him for his birthday or to cheer him up, no. This one was dear to his heart because it belonged to Miyuki. That teddy bear was one of the few things he had been able to keep, besides his memories. She wasn't physically there with him so he'd wanted to keep something that would remind him his twin's presence by his side. Something so he would never forget the pain the hole in his heart was causing to him. But it would be soon over, right? 

His mom had checked on him earlier since he'd refused to eat. It wasn't new to her, she was used to keeping a plate in the fridge for her son, used to worrying because it was never a good sign when Takanori refused to eat something. He was back from that mental institution for three months now and they were so afraid he was going to relapse one day. Takanori didn't remember how many times they brought him to the zoo or to an amusement park so that he wouldn't be alone at home and instead outside with them where they could keep an eye on him. Luckily, the little boy hadn't tried to kill himself since that day at the hospital and his parents were daily wondering when would be the next time. If there would be a next time. They were living with that fear, the fear of losing another child, the fear that maybe the doctors had been wrong to call them and tell them their boy could leave. Maybe it would have been better for him if he stayed longer in there. A lot of their _maybe_ s had no answers and it was killing them inside. 

Takanori was so tired. Tired of his mind remembering him endlessly his loss, tired of making his parents worry every day, tired of the pain he was feeling deep in his chest, tired of her absence, tired to have no one, tired to live without her. The boy would have done everything just to go back in time to see once again her smile and hold her in his arms just like that teddy bear right now. Everything. Now it was just a matter of time and soon, soon enough he would see her again. 

He didn't hear his mother call him from downstairs nor her coming into his room and sitting down on the edge of the mattress. She could see nothing since he was showing her his back, she couldn't see the expression on his face but noticing his body move in rhythm with his breathing was telling her enough. Takanori needed to sleep and it wasn't the right time to ask him questions like what would he like to eat for dinner or if he needed something from the store. He needed to sleep, a sleep without dreams. 

The mother left her son after having put a kiss on his dark hair and closed the door without a single noise before getting herself ready to do some groceries. When she left the house, her mind wasn't preoccupied, wasn't worrying. Takanori was sleeping peacefully, everything was all right, her son was fine, she was going to see her little baby's smile once she would be back home. 

Except that she hadn't seen his face wet with tears when she came into his bedroom, nor the white teddy bear hidden against his chest turning red.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you hating me now?
> 
> The 13th chapter is going to take time until i'll post it :) Thank you for reading this story! Your comments and thoughts are really appreciated :D 
> 
> See you next time!
> 
> EDIT: I forgot to tell you this. This fic is in my head in three parts and the 10th chapter ends that first part :)


	13. Chapter 13

_2 years later._

Loud music was being blasted from the loudspeakers inside the building. Bodies were moving against each other following the rhythme of the electronic melodie, hands were touching fresh skin, wandering in places they weren't allowed to, mouths were shouting in an attempt to cover the sounds around them trying to make themselves be heard, eyes were scanning the surroundings to find their next victim too naive to keep a close watch on their drink. 

Most of people here were already too intoxicated to have a clear mind and act properly, too focused on moving their body provocatively against their partner, for a few of them only for this night, or trying to walk to the bar in order to get a little more drunk and fall deeper in depravity. 

Behind the counter, two men were fullfiling their customers' desires giving them shots after shots, cocktails after cocktails as they were emptying them too quickly for this hour of the night. But they both kept doing their job with that smile on their lips, the same they had every nights, glad none of these people threw up or had to be kicked out. At least for the moment. 

The youngest of the two barmen took advantages of a moment of respite at the counter to wash a few glasses on his side, feeling a headache growing thanks to the loud music. He was working in that place for a few months now, but was still not used to the high volume of the music. It was the first time he was working in a nightclub and even though this one was a small one, a lot of people were coming here. Every. Nights. Friends, colleagues, siblings, men who were trying to find a good one-night stand, women who got dumped by their cheater boyfriends, or even some who came to celebrate a birthday or any other occasion that could be celebrated. 

After his departure from the mental institution, the young man had spent a week or two with his parents to make up for the time lost due to his stay at the hospital, helping his mother at home and going on little trips with his father as they used to call their little “adventures” outside the town. It was merely the both of them taking a walk in the forest and bonding at the lake like they used to do when Akira was a little boy. He had spent some time with them before going back to his flat and taking care of important things. Important things involving a certain someone as well as finding a job, and after a few odd jobs Akira had found a place here. 

“Hey beautyful,” A woman interrupted him in his thoughts, her big eyes watching him intensively. She was wearing a white crop top exposing her pierced navel, as well as white shorts revealing perfect legs. Akira couldn't deny her beauty even though her red eyes were staining this beauty. “Pour me another glass would you?” 

“Haven't you drunk enough?” He asked her filling a glass he'd just wiped. 

“I need to drown my miserable existence.” No doubts about it, this woman was drunk. Luckily, Akira knew by now how to handle this situation. He has already seen worse. 

“May I ask what happened to a charming lady like you?” 

“You smooth talker,” She cooed winding her finger in her long hair, smiling at Akira as she bent over the counter. “I'm getting married in two months.” 

“Well congratulations to you!” 

“Yeah... I guess that's the right thing to say,” She drank her cocktail in one gulp letting it burn her throat as her smile was fading. “Except when your future husband fucks your sister.” 

“Oh,” Akira exclaimed feigning shock. It wasn't the first time he was hearing a story like this one and he could bet she was still getting married after this, with the same man who would find a stupid excuse for his act, excuse she was going to accept of course. “That's so sad, really. A beautiful woman like you doesn't deserve such treatments.” 

“Such sweet words... And you're really appealing to the eyes. Tell me, what time do you end? Maybe we could continue this conversation somewhere else?” The woman asked him putting a hand on his own. 

“In two hours, but I'm sorry. My heart already belongs to someone.” 

“I should have known it,” She let out in a small laugh, gazing now at the dancefloor. “I guess I can find someone else for tonight who could make me forget his existence. What do you think?” 

“I think I'm going to call a cab for you. Go home and sleep, tomorrow's going to be a new day.” 

“You're right, I drank enough.” 

Akira made sure she got safely in the car knowing a drunk woman would be an easy prey for some men, and smiled when she told him his girlfriend was lucky to have him. If only she knew. 

It was 03 am when Akira waved goodbye to the other barman and to the bouncers when he walked out the door. In the parking lot, Akira leaned against the hood of his car and closing his coat to his neck he took a cigarette from the packet he was keeping in his pocket. It was freezing outside and luckily enough for him it had stopped snowing. Akira needed his dose of nicotine and in no way would he have waited any longer to taste this cancer stick. He didn't mind dealing with drunk women or even young men, but middle-aged men hitting on younger, much younger people just in front of him? No. Just no. He couldn't bear seeing them feel so uncomfortable and unable to do a single thing. So he had to interfere, stop all the fun as they said. He just had to, seeing that no one was willing to do something. 

Puffing on his cigarette, Akira looked at the starless sky a little too bright for this hour of the night. It would snow tomorrow, or rather _today_. This simple thought brought a broad smile on his lips as he took his phone in his hands and noticed one unread message. 

_“I can't wait to see you again tomorrow. Love you.”_

Reading these last words widdened his smile a little more. He missed him so much, even though he'd talked to him over the phone a couple hours earlier. And they would soon see each other again as his precious boyfriend would spend the weekend with him, he would soon see his smile, hear his laugh, kiss his skin and hold him tight in his arms. They'd been apart from each other for so long before they met again and Akira knew it had been much harder for his younger lover than for him. 

Akira stomped on the cigarette butt and putting back his phone in his pocket, he got in the car and started it, yawning. He really needed to sleep. 

* * *

Nothing had really changed with Akira in two years, except maybe his light, almost white, blond hair and his body more muscular than before, just enough and in the right places. Mentally speaking, Akira was a different young man today. For the better. It hadn't been easy with his ups and downs even after the hospital, but he'd kept his promise. Today he was strong enough for himself and for Yutaka. 

He had to use a lot of his charms and be persistent to convince the nursing staff to give him Yutaka's personal address and once he got it, after nearly a month of trying hard, he went there with a lump in his throat and moist hands due to the stress. It was his father who opened the door after a few knocks, and Akira couldn't miss the surprise in the man's eyes when he saw him standing there. He made him come inside, happy to see again someone dear to his son and wondering how that little “miracle” had even been possible, and after nearly one hour of talking, Akira was in the man's car, on their way to the hospital. That was Yutaka's first surprise and of course for his former roommates too, but he hadn't seen Kouyou that day. Nor on the others. 

Yutaka's second surprise happened during the day of his departure. He had thought Akira would be with his father when he'd picked him, but he came alone and the young boy had been so disappointed he almost cried. He had promised to be with him the day he would leave that place, but there were no signs of his blond hair nor of his bright smile. At home, he went immediately to his bedroom without even noticing the pair of black snickers at the doorstep, and it's when he heard a deep voice asking him what was that gloomy face for that he let his emotions take over and cried tears of joy between Akira's arms. 

And today, the blond man was once again in front of this door, waiting under the snowflakes for someone to open. Once again he was welcomed by Yutaka's father, always so happy to see the young man. It is true that he'd been quite skeptical on Akira's intentions towards his son knowing their age gap, but he had end up trusting that young man. He could feel his feeling were true and that he would in no way hurt his beloved baby boy. 

“How are you today?” Yutaka's dad asked him as he put a hot cup of tea before Akira who took it in his hands with a smile, letting its heat warm his hands. 

“Fine! Even though my hands are frozen,” He answered in a chuckle. “And you sir?” 

“Akira,” The man started, sighing. “How many times should I tell you to not call me sir?” 

“I-I'm sorry, I'm still not used to call you by your name.” 

“I'm not going to eat you, you know? But to answer your question, I'm a bit surprised you're already here. We weren't expecting you to come so early in the afternoon.” 

“Really? I've sent a text message telling Yutaka I would come earlier today.” 

“He told me nothing. Anyway, he still has to be in his bath. You can go surprise him if you wish.” He told him then winked as Akira was walking outside the kitchen. 

The blond man opened the door of the bathroom slowly as waves of heat wrapped him. Condensation was on the mirror and on the small window, little puddles of water were on the floor, some of them made Akira wonder how they happened, clothes were everywhere and with his back to him, Yutaka was still in the water, his arms resting on each side of the bathtub and his head moving in rhythm with the music he was listening on his mp3 player, music Akira could hear from where he was. So slowly, he walked to his lover being careful to not slide on the ground because of the water, sat on the edge of the bathtub and as Yutaka still hadn't noticed his presence, he put his arms around his waist under the water and kissed his cheek. 

Akira's little “surprise” had its effect on the teenager as he started struggling between his arms and swore when his device fell on the ground. 

“Akira!” He shouted as he was trying to catch his breath back. “You scared the shit out of me! I nearly had a fucking heart attack!” 

“Language babe.” The blond man said, now facing the teenager. 

“I don't care! I will speak how I fu– mph!” 

Chapped lips made him stop talking and a tongue soon started to lick his bottom lip, teasing him. Yutaka immediately calmed down and putting his arms around Akira's neck, he deepened their kiss and let the other man caress one of his thigh under the water which made him whimper when he tickled that one spot on his inner thigh. 

“I'm sorry I scared you,” Akira said when they parted, forehead against forehead. “But it was too tempting!” 

“Stop making fun of me!” Yutaka pouting was an overly cute sight for the man who couldn't resist the urge to kiss him again. “What are you even doing here already?” 

“Do you check your phone sometimes?” 

“Of course I do! What?” Yutaka asked when he heard him laugh. 

“Apparently you don't because I've texted you before noon and told you I'd come earlier.” 

“Oh. I-I'm going to hurry!” 

“I'll be downstairs.” 

One last kiss and Akira was once again with Yutaka's father to whom he explained the situation. They were still making a lot of fun of his absent-mindedness when he walked down the stairs half an hour later, his high school bag on his shoulders and another bag in his hand. 

“I hate you both you know?” He told them while putting on his shoes, scarf and coat. “Stop laughing!” 

“You're a bad liar.” 

“And we both love teasing you,” His father added ruffling his son's brown hair. “By the way boys, please protect yourselves.” 

“W-What do you mean dad?” Yutaka asked giggling nervously. 

“Oh please Yutaka, I was sixteen too once! I know you're not playing cards when you're at Akira's place.” 

Yutaka turned crimson at this and mumbling incomprehensible words left the house, too embarrassed to say goodbye to his father. 

“He will never change, but I was serious Akira.” 

“I know and don't worry about that.” 

“You also know it's only because I trust you that I let him see you. Anyway, we already had this discussion. Go now, he's waiting.” 

“Thanks, Toshiro.” 

When he got into his car, Yutaka's cheeks were still a little red which Akira thought was a really nice colour on him. He was so cute with red tinted cheeks that he couldn't hold himself back and make him blush in any occasion. Yutaka was beautiful and Akira was so happy to have him back, happy and proud of himself he'd managed to find him again after his departure. He'd never thought it would be possible, but he had promised him a lot of things back there. Things they were going to fulfill together. 

“What's wrong?” The brown-haired teenager asked him as Akira hadn't said a single word for some minutes now, but had only been looking at him and caressing his left cheek. 

“Nothing,” Akira answered with a smile then started the car. “I'm just looking at how beautiful you are.” 

“Stop it you smooth talker,” Yutaka mumbled feeling his cheeks burn once again, then looked outside at the snow falling onthe city. “I hope he's not too cold. How is he?” 

“I barely slept because of that little devil!” 

“He loves to play, he's still a baby Aki,” Yutaka chuckled laying his hand on Akira's thigh and drew little circles with his thumb. The light was red so the teenager took this opportunity to peck his lover's cheek before he'd been too focused on the road. “At what time did he wake you up?” 

“05 am Yutaka, 05 am! Told you I barely slept.” 

“Ouch,” Once again Yutaka chuckled imagining a grumpy Akira who had to deal with his little baby, with messy hair and dark circles under his eyes. Akira looked indeed pretty tired and he felt a little bad now knowing he needed to rest properly because of his job. “I can't wait to see him, I missed him so much!” 

“And me?” The blond man asked as the light turned green. 

“I can speak to you every day. Not him.” 

“Aaw you broke my heart.” 

They both burst out laughing after this. Was Akira jealous of Yutaka and his little baby's relationship? No. At least he could do things to his lover the other would never be able to. 

* * *

“Sweety, where are you? Daddy's home!” Yutaka called when they entered the appartment. Putting his bags aside, the teenager walked to the couch on which he noticed his baby sleeping, but soon opened his blue eyes and stretched when he heard Yutaka crouching down in front of him. “Hello my sweet little thing.” 

“Meow.” The little grey and white kitten snuggled against Yutaka's hand and started to purr when the teenager petted his head. 

Nezumi had been his Christmas present from Akira and even if sometimes the blond was joking he should never have offered him this gift, he knew it was one of the best things he's ever done. Yutaka loved this little ball of fur so much, but unfortunately his dad was allergic to cats so Akira had to keep him in his flat, much to the discontent of his sleep. Luckily enough, he loved this kitten too otherwise it would have been a real ordeal for the young man. 

“Aki,” Yutaka called him as he sat on the couch, his kitten on his lap was playing with his fingers. “Maybe you should take a nap, an hour or two. You really look exhausted.” 

“Nah it's ok, don't worry.” The yawn he tried to hide showed the opposite. 

“Akira I'm serious. You told me you barely slept, plus you had to drive and you know I'm not two minutes away from here. You're working tonight right?” 

“Yes, but I can stay awake. Really, don't worry about that.” 

Yutaka stood up at the same time Nezumi jumped off the couch to play with one of his toys, and walked to Akira who was sitting at the dinning table placed behind the couch, before putting his arms around his shoulders and kiss his cheek. 

“You need to rest, go to sleep please.” 

“Fine, I'll go,” He told him admitting his defeat then while standing up from the chair he surprised Yutaka by taking him in his arms and kissing his neck a few times, his hands sliding on his hips. “Wake me up if you're bored.” 

“Oh I won't! I have a date with some homeworks.” Yutaka said while leading Akira to the bedroom and added before leaving him alone after a dozen of kisses: “Dream beautiful dreams of me, love.” 

Yutaka was happy. Happy to be here, with them, happy to be finally out of that mental institution and far away from his previous demons. The day Akira had surprised him in his bedroom, they'd spent the whole day talking, cuddling and for the teenager, crying. He had thought he would never see him again despite all his promises, but he kept them. That day they had been so overwhelmed with their emotions that they had forgotten to give each other their phone numbers, so Yutaka had had to wait until the next time he would come see him. 

“Ok, time to work now!” He declared in a low voice and taking his things he sat down at the table before opening his math book and reading the wording of the first exercise. 

* * *

_“I've taken my break just now. Calmed down a little.”_

 _“Crowded as every saturday night?”_

 _

“You have no idea. Wait... Why are you not sleeping?” 

“Waiting for you.” 

“No please go to bed. It's almost 03. You need to sleep too you know?” 

“Not tired!” 

“Yutaka, sweetheart, go to sleep.” 

“Come here and take me there ;)”

_

Two hours later, Akira was parking his car behind the building and hurried to go inside, not wanting to freeze and become a giant ice cube. It wasn't snowing, but the wind was way too cold to his mind. 

When he unlocked the door, the blond man was welcomed by the sight of his lover wrapped in a thick blanket, half asleep on the couch, lover who turned his head from the TV and smiled at him when he heard Akira put his keys on the furniture at the entrance. Sitting beside him, he took him in his arms and let out a low laugh when Yutaka sat on his lap and laid his head on his shoulder, ready to fall asleep like that. 

“Someone here is sleepy,” Akira whispered in his ear caressing his lower back with one hand, the other busy removing the blanket around Yutaka's body. “I told you to not wait for me.” 

“Am not,” He said against his lips before kissing them, his hands slowly sliding under Akira's top, feeling goosebumps under his palms when he lightly scratched the skin of his belly. “I wanted to anyway, you couldn't change my mind.” 

“Maybe, or maybe not.” Akira squeezed softly his cheeks which drew a faint moan from Yutaka's mouth, then sucked on his neck as one of his hands unbuckled his lover's pants. 

“What are you doing?” He asked feeling his face redden. 

“Playing cards.” They both laughed at the memory of Yutaka's father, before their lips met once agan. 

Yutaka was moaning in Akira's mouth as the man was slowly undressing him and touching his body in a way that would make him soon react. The teenager felt a chill stroke his back when his pullover left him and he let Akira mark his upper body, whimpering in slight pain when teeth sank into his skin. Another beautiful sound escaped from his lips as Akira slipped a hand in his boxers and gave a few strokes to his manhood, enough to harden him. 

“Aki,” Yutaka panted before biting the man's lower lip, moving his hips against his hand as he wanted to feel more, more of him. 

Akira stood up and adjusted his legs better around his hips then walked to their bedroom after having switched off everything in the living-room. There, he laid him down on the bed then straddled him, taking his hands and putting them above his head. The blond-haired was looking at him in the eyes, smiling before kissing for the umpteenth time his now red lips. He could never be tired of kissing them, feeling their softness and how they were moving against his own. He could never be tired of touching his body and as he'd promised, he would never be tired of showing him how much he loves him. 

Yutaka slowly removed the blond's top, his hands wandering on his back tracing every of his muscles, then tasted the skin of his collarbone as Akira's hands were slidding on his body lower and lower. Naked, Yutaka got down on all fours his ass lifted up in the air for Akira's delight, and let a sigh of anticipation escape his lips, legs shaking slightly as he was waiting for his lover to touch him. The blond kissed his left cheek over and over again, sinking his teeth from time to time in its plumpness as a finger was teasing his hole. 

“Aki.” He whimpered when a long and wet finger stroked his inside with slow thrusts, almost driving him crazy even though his body automatically stiffened. 

“Relax,” The man told him adding a second finger. “Just tell me if you feel uncomfortable.” 

His lips followed an invisible path from his lower back to his shoulders, his fingers moving faster inside of his young lover whose moans were turning Akira on. Yutaka was breathing heavily, clutching the covers beneath him as Akira was hitting that sweet spot that was making him moan shamelessly and move back and forth against those fingers each time. 

“Does it feel good?” Akira asked him, his free hand slowly caressing his hard cock, taking his time on the head with his thumb. 

“Yes... Yes... Ngh!” 

Yutaka was already so close, but he wanted more. He wanted to feel him, hear him groan and feel his hands squeeze his body more as he would cum. And soon enough those fingers left him tearing from his throat a frustrated moan. The teenager turned his flushed face in order to protest, but stayed quiet when he saw him remove the last clothes he was still wearing and unconsciously licked his lips when he saw his hard-on. Leaning on his elbows, Yutaka watched him put a condom then lub himself before going back on the bed between Yutaka's legs. 

The kisses they shared were a little sloppy but passionnate, teeth were marking their skin, hands were touching a body curiously and voices were pleading, teasing. 

After a light stroke on his hips, Akira made the boy go back on his knees before positionning himself behind him. Yutaka bit his lips when he felt the tip going past his entrance and gripped the pillow as Akira was moving deeper. 

“Are you alright sweetheart?” He asked him once he was fully inside, kissing his spine as he was waiting for an answer. 

“Yes,” The teenager replied looking over his shoulder. He could see the lust in his boyfriend's eyes, he could see how much he wanted him and made him scream his name. “You can start moving.” 

Grabbing his hips, Akira pulled out until the head then pushed himself back adopting a quick pace. Yutaka was so tight around his shaft, so hot. The teenager's knuckles turned white as he was squeezing hard the pillow laid against the headboard and let free rein to his voice, moaning, screaming each time Akira was hitting his prostate. His whole body was shivering, chills were running down his spine when the blond put wet kisses on his back before nibbling one of his earlobes, sucking the skin behind his ear. 

“Akira... I... I'm close.” 

“Not yet babe.” He groaned in his ear then moved his hand between his stomach and the covers to grab his length and squeezed the base. 

“Please Aki, _aah_!” His shaking legs gave out. He was now laying on his stomach, legs spread even more and his face hidden in the covers which were deadening his moans. 

Akira was thrusting deeper in him, feeling sweat trickling down his neck and laid his forehead against one of his shoulders at the same time Yutaka entangled his fingers in his blond hair. The teenager was still pleading when Akira's breathing was nothing more than a panting breathing, and he could feel he was close too. He was moving in him with an irregular pace, his hand around his painful cock loosened its grip and it took a few more strokes for the teenager to come on the bedsheets, soon followed by the blond. 

They were catching they breath back when Yutaka rolled over and laid down on his back, welcoming his boyfriend between his arms and caressed his blond locks as his other hand was tickling his side. 

“I love you Aki.” He told him when the man looked at him. 

“Me too sweetheart,” Akira kissed him lovingly, sighing in delight when they parted and hid his face in the crook of his neck. “Would you please go to sleep now?” 

They both laughed at this question then covered their body and still spend a few more minutes snuggling before falling asleep. 

* * *

Yutaka was laying on his right side when he opened his eyes hours later and let them get used to the light. Looking at the window, he saw the white sky sign it would snow again and the naked branches dancing with the wind. The teenager loved that weather, because since it was too cold outside he could spend his days snuggling with Akira on the couch, both wrapped in a warm blanket and a cup of hot chocolate in his hands while his kitten would be playing with his little balls. 

Speaking of the cat, he was snuggling on Akira's lap hidden under the covers and was enjoying the caresses on his head. Yutaka stretched out one of his arms and brushed lightly Akira's bare back, drawing nonsensical shapes on his skin. 

“Hey,” Akira bent over him making the kitten jump from his lap, then put his lips on his forehead. “Did you sleep well?” 

Yutaka nodded rubbing his eyes before asking: “What time is it?” 

“Half past noon. Do you want to sleep a little more?” 

“No, I'm ok,” He reasured him while he rolled on his back, giggling as the kitten was playing with his hair, his whiskers tickling his cheek. “You're awake since long?” 

“Ten minutes maybe, he woke me up.” 

“Bad boy,” Yutaka scolded him without being serious, taking the kitten in his hands making him mew. “Let your daddy sleep longer tomorrow, okay?” 

“I'm gonna take a shower, wanna join me?” Akira asked him after a few minutes of silence during which he'd watched his lover play with his kitten, a big smile on his lips. 

“Coming.” Yutaka answered then let him take his naked body in his arms, and kissed his forehead, cheeks and neck as Akira was walking to the bathroom. 

They did nothing for the rest of the afternoon except from watching movies after movies, both on the couch sometimes too focused on the one they loved rather than on the TV. Yutaka was trapped between the blond's arms and legs, – not that it bothered him, quite the opposite – feeling his hands wandering under his pullover to caress his smooth skin and his lips kissing his neck. 

Time went by quickly and soon Akira had to drive his precious lover back to his father. It was always difficult for the teenager to leave him. With high school and Akira's job they couldn't see each other as much as they wanted to, just like before in the hospital. Yutaka didn't want to leave him, didn't want to leave his arms in which he was feeling so safe. He wanted to stay with him forever, but he also knew that he had to be patient. Akira had promised him that once he would graduate from high school, they'd live together and nothing nor no one would prevent them from having a happy future together. 

“Be careful on you way back home,” He told him in the car once their lips parted. “I'll miss you.” 

“One week Yutaka, it's not like one of us is leaving for three months right?” Akira joked caressing his cheek. “And you know you can call me whenever you want.” 

“But it's not the same...” 

“I'll miss you too, love. Now go, your father has been watching us from the kitchen for five minutes.” 

Once Yutaka was inside the house, Akira started the car and sighed deeply. He was going to miss that little brown-haired a lot. 

It had snowed a lot during the afternoon so Akira had to be more careful than on other days. It was falling in big snowflakes and he could bet the road had to be icy. Luckily enough, he had chosen a path where not a lot of cars were driving. Actually, right now Akira was alone. Or so he thought. 

Illuminated by the front beams he saw someone walking in the middle of the road when he took a turn. From where he was Akira saw them limping and they didn't seem to have noticed a car was approaching, and as the blond was driving closer he decided to stop the car and get out of it. 

“Excuse me, do you need help?” He asked walking faster towards them, his eyes sending questioning looks when he noticed what they were wearing and what they weren't. This person needed help but it seemed as if they hadn't noticed Akira. “Let me help you, you're going to freeze to death.” 

Something Akira hadn't expected happened, they passed out. Cursing, the blond man quickly reduced the distance between them and kneeling on the ground he took the unconscious body in his arms and checked for a pulse, sighing in relief when he felt it under his fingers. Akira didn't think twice before going back quickly to his car with that unknown person, surprised by how light they were. 

It had taken a few more seconds to Akira to recognized who his passenger was. Under the many bruises he recognized to whom that face belonged and he thought he was hallucinating, but the pained whines he let out were real. That couldn't be true, and yet... 

_It was Yuu._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finally here! I had some fun writing this chapter even though I'm not 100% satisfied with some parts :/
> 
> I hope you're still enjoying this fic :)


	14. Chapter 14

Everything was black when he opened his eyes. Darkness was holding him in its embrace, suffocating him and making him remember things he wished he could forget. Darkness was his nightmare, trapping him in his own fears whether he was asleep or not, playing with him, making him go insane and sometimes – when the boy couldn’t bear it anymore – tearing a scream or two from his mouth. It took Yuu a few more minutes for his eyes to get used to the obscurity and noticed the alarm clock on the bedside table showing 09:47pm. This alarm clock wasn’t his, he didn’t have one at home, he barely had things back there. He wasn’t at home, right? The scent around him was unfamiliar, the softness of the pillows on which is head was resting wasn’t the one he was used to, the covers were smelling clean and keeping him warm. This wasn’t his room, and Yuu soon started to feel panic overwhelm his body. Where was he? What was going to happen now? A muffled cry of pain escaped his lips when he tried to move his feet under the covers. His whole body was aching as if someone had broken each of his bones. The pain was unbearable, but it made him remember what had happened today. 

Yuu remembered how he’d spent the day celebrating his 19th birthday. He remembered his father's touches, his breath against his neck, the words he’d told him, how much his body was aching with each of his thrusts and how his wounds couldn't heal with the daily abuse even though his father was taking care of them in his own way. He remembered the nausea when his dad soiled him and then the shame when he came as well, faking a pleasure he would never feel only to please the man. Yuu remembered his own sad smile and his words full of regrets when his father told him he wouldn’t be back before the next day, that he was going to miss him and in the meantime that he was going to be patient and a good boy, his father wouldn't be mad at him and they would spend a good time once he’d come back. 

Yuu almost threw up when the memories of what he did next came to his mind. He was disgusted by himself, but what he had done and said in this house were the only ways to stay alive. Obeying his father and being the whore the man wanted him to be were his only solutions. He was faking everything, but deep down he knew he was still being raped each time his father was touching him. It wasn’t love, it wasn’t normal, his father wasn’t behaving like a father should with his child despite all the things he was telling him. Yuu knew something was wrong, but he couldn’t ignore the insults and believe them, believe his father's words every time he was angry and hitting his son. 

But his father had made a mistake today. Usually, he would tie Yuu’s wrists and ankles together after he’d abused him, making sure the young man wouldn't be able to move without his permission, but on that day his father didn’t do it and just locked the door of his room. He didn’t care if his son had to use the bathroom, seeing him pleading him or ashamed because he’d wet himself was one of his pastimes and Yuu could see in his eyes each time it happened the satisfaction of seeing his son in such a state. His father loved playing with him like that, making him beg for everything and scream at any occasion. His father hadn’t tied him, it had been Yuu’s chance. 

The moon had begun to rise when he had decided to move. He’d dressed himself with the few clothes he could find in the room, ignoring the aching pain in his lower limbs and his trembling legs, ignoring his fear which was whispering that his father could come back at any moment even though he’d told him he wouldn’t before the next day. If his father had decided to come home earlier than planned and saw his son wasn’t on his mattress waiting for him, he would make him see Hell once again. Yuu thought about a way out and since the door was locked, his only exit was through the window. Yuu was determined, he couldn’t stay in this house any longer. 

The fall had been painful, but it didn’t prevent the young man from starting to walk. He didn’t know where he was going to go, but he had to walk. Walk and never stop, walk until his feet would bleed, walk without looking behind him. He was maybe outside now, but he wasn’t truly free. Who knows, maybe he was just dreaming, maybe he was going to wake up in a few minutes and notice he was still on his mattress. It were his thoughts while walking and Yuu deeply hoped it wasn’t the case. He had done everything for that day, he couldn’t fail now. Yuu walked during hours, he walked until he passed out in the middle of the road. 

Yuu tried to sit up straight tearing other painful moans from his mouth. The room was now bathed in the moon light giving the young man a better sight of his surroundings. The bed in which he’d been sleeping was in front of a dressing room only composed by – from what he could see – man’s clothes. The bedside table was on his left, as well as a desk on which unknown books and pieces of paper were messily laid, exciting his curiosity but Yuu didn’t move, too scared someone would come here if he’d made a single noise. He was in a stranger’s house and he didn’t know why they were keeping him with them. Should he scream? Run away? See what was behind this closed door? 

Yuu didn’t move. He didn’t move even when the door opened as the alarm clock was showing 10:15pm, letting the owner of the place in. He couldn’t clearly see his face since the man was against the light and this started to make Yuu feel scared. He was in an unknown house with a stranger and who knows what he could do to him. He hadn’t escaped his Hell to be trapped in another one. Yuu moved back until he could feel the wall against his back as the man took a few steps towards him, his body shivering with fear. 

“You’re finally awake,” The voice sounded familiar to Yuu’s ears and he could bet the man had seen the surprise on his face when he sat on the edge of the bed and smiled to him. “You don’t recognize me, do you?” 

Yuu shook his head. Something in him was telling him he knew this man from somewhere, a place buried deep in his memories. Playing nervously with the covers, Yuu dared to look at the man in front of him. The moon was lightening his face more now, and Yuu couldn’t believe it. He knew who was that man, but that couldn’t be true. What had been the chance that he would end up in someone from his past’s house? What had been the chances that he was one of the people he wanted to see again the most? What had been the chances that that day would happen? Yuu couldn’t believe it, he was dreaming, right? How many nights did he dream about that day? How many wishes did he make for someone to save him? How many sleepless night did he spend just thinking about the friends he left at the institution? 

“You’re not real, you’re not real,” Yuu repeated with a nervous laugh, shaking his head once again. “I’m dreaming, you’re not real...” 

“Yuu calm down it’s me, don’t be afraid.” 

“You’re not real...” 

“Yuu,” Akira tried to take his hands covering his ears with his own, but the panic he saw in the younger man’s eyes when he reached his face made him back down. 

“Don’t touch me!” He was on the verge of crying because of the fear, but most of all because of the pain each movement was causing to his body. “You can’t be...” 

“Look at me,” Akira told him watching Yuu still shaking his head and whispering ‘no’ again and again. He had to be careful, he couldn't scare him more than he already was. It wasn’t his intention at all, that was the last thing Akira wished for, but he never had to take care of Yuu when he was panicking, not even back there two years ago. Kouyou had been, but Kouyou wasn’t here with them now. “Yuu, you don’t have to be scared of me. You’re safe here and luckily you’re awake. I was wondering when you would, I was so worried!” 

“Nobody’s worrying about me…” 

“Believe me I was,” Akira was patient with Yuu, waiting during long minutes in silence until the shivers of his body would calm down. He took advantages of these minutes to look at him as he’s been to anxious to do it earlier. It seemed to him that Yuu was thinner, much thinner than the last time he saw him, his hair were longer and they still had to have that pitch-black colour. What made Akira uncomfortable again were the bruises he had on his face, at the corner of his mouth, under his left eye, on his throat, and those weren’t the only ones from what he’d already seen. Akira couldn’t let him like that, he couldn’t let him be in so much pain. “Can I… Would you let me take a look at your feet?” He added when Yuu finally wiped his tears and heard him mumbled something. 

“Why?” 

“You hurt them. I brought things to treat them and I need to change the bandages,” He told him showing the disinfectant spray and the strip of gauze laid on the bed. “Can I? I won’t hurt you.” 

Yuu hesitated before uncovering his legs and it was at this moment he noticed something was wrong. 

“Where are my clothes?!” He asked panicked, wondering what could have Akira done while he was unconscious. He wasn’t dressed in his usual clothes, those he was wearing when he escaped. He was dressed in a light tracksuit too big for him, and a t-shirt the same colour as the tracksuit, too big as well. Yuu looked at Akira trying to find some answers in his eyes, too scared to voice his questions. 

“I put them in the washing machine, you couldn’t keep them on you. They were soaked and… You couldn't keep them.” Akira thought it was not necessary to tell him his thoughts on the kind of clothes the young man was wearing when he brought him here, he would keep his opinion for himself. Yuu didn’t need that now. 

Yuu waited a few moments before stretching his legs, telling Akira in this way that he could take care of his injuries. He watched him remove the bandage from his left foot and his eyes opened wide when he saw the bruises on it and relying on the pain, the injury on the sole had to be worse. And it was, blood had stained the white gauze. Yuu remembered he had walked on pieces of glass when he stood up after his fall, pieces he had removed from his feet. Walking with wounds had been painful, but it was nothing compared to what he’d been through since the day he left the hospital. He had to bear a pain worse than what he was feeling now as Akira was treating his wounds. 

Akira showed kindness in his movements, he didn’t want to frighten him nor be brusque. He had to be careful with what he was doing, he couldn’t hurt the young man, he couldn't scare him, he would never be able to forgive himself. They’d spent enough time together to know where the line in their relationship was. And Akira remembered what had happened two years ago in the hospital, he remembered the tears Yuu had shed, he remembered the panic in his eyes, he remembered the nightmares in the middle of the night, he remembered Kouyou calming him down, whispering soothing words ignoring Yuu’s screams had awaken him. Akira remembered his father’s numerous visits and everything that followed. He couldn't do that to him, to a friend. 

“And it’s done,” Akira told him throwing the stained bandages in the bin beside the desk. “You’re not bleeding anymore, it’s a good sign, but to be sure it’d be preferable for you to walk as little as possible.” 

“Thank you,” Yuu whispered then brought his legs to his chest and hid his face in them. He wondered why did Akira bring him back to his home instead of taking him to the hospital like anyone else would do. He wanted to ask him, wanted to tell him he was glad he didn’t do it, but the words got stuck in his throat giving him a sense of déjà vu. 

“You don’t have to thank me,” Akira smiled to him, but in the semi-darkness of the room, Yuu didn’t see it. He didn’t see the friendly smile he gave him. “I couldn’t let you on that road and drive as if nothing happened.” 

“Are we… Are we far from the veterinary clinic?” 

“It depends about which one you’re talking. The nearest from here is about ten minutes. Why?” 

“For nothing...” But there was something. Yuu remembered the house was near one of them, he was just hoping he was far enough from his father. Otherwise it would mean his father might find him and that was the last thing Yuu wanted. He couldn't go back there, he would die for sure. 

“Are you all right?” Akira asked when he saw him fidgeting uncomfortably on the bed and looking at the room with fear in his eyes. “What’s wrong?” 

Yuu didn’t answer and instead, without Akira expecting it, suddenly jumped out of bed and tried to reach the door. However, he couldn't take a few steps because of his injured feet and the pain made him fall to the ground with a cry of pain. A scream escaped his lips when the young man felt hands on his body, under his arms trying to lift him and take him back on the bed. His voice was full of terror as he was struggling to get away from those hands, screaming that he had to leave, that he was going to find him. He had to leave for his own safety, he hadn’t done all of those disgusting things only to get caught again between his claws. Yuu had to leave even if right now he was with a friend who could assure he was safe under his roof. Akira had always been gentle with him, from what he could remember, but it was impossible for him to stay. Yuu knew that one day or another, if he stayed here too close to where he used to live for two years, his father would show up and that would be the end for him. 

It hadn’t been difficult for Akira to hold him down so that Yuu wouldn’t hurt himself more, and waited for his tears to cease. He didn’t understand what had just happened, he didn’t understand Yuu’s reaction and fears. Akira knew his father had done terrible things to him, they all knew, but Yuu was with him now and nothing could happen to him. Akira remembered how scared Yuu was during his first days at the hospital and how difficult it had been for them to gain his trust, he remembered the changes in the boy as days were passing by, he remembered how everything had collapsed after his father came there the first time. And now, it was happening again. In front of him, he was the same boy from two years ago, scared and trusting no one, and he didn’t know if he would be able to handle the situation this time. Yuu had trusted him because they were both suffering from anorexia, but now? Akira could see Yuu’s condition had worsened, no need to have a high IQ to notice it. He was so thin Akira wondered how it was possible for him to still stand on his feet. Yuu needed help, once more. 

When Yuu stopped struggling between his arms, Akira lied him down on the bed again and stayed beside him whispering soothing words hoping it would work. He felt useless, because he remembered there was only one person who had been able to calm him down back there and that person wasn’t here. Should he tell him Yuu was with him? And what if he did, would Kouyou come here right away? The other man had never given up hope of seeing him again one day, he had told Akira that he would find him again no matter what it would take. But it was maybe too soon, maybe Yuu wasn’t ready or didn’t want to see his former roommates. Akira couldn’t make a decision for him. 

“Yuu, maybe it would be better if I drove you to a hospital tomorrow,” Akira started as Yuu had turned his back to him, now facing the wall. “You would be in better hands.” 

“No!” Yuu shouted. He couldn't go there, he would know. “I don’t need doctors, I don’t want to go back there!” 

“Yuu I just want to help you, I don’t mean any harm.” 

“Don’t do this… please… Don’t send me back there!” 

“I’ll let you rest,” Akira added after some seconds of silence during which he’d felt guilty. “Call me if you need anything, don’t hesitate.” 

He left the room without hearing Yuu had started to cry again against the pillow. How could Yuu make him understand without telling him the truth? He was too ashamed of it, Akira and everyone else would look at him differently, be disgusted by him. Yuu couldn't tell him why he wanted to leave. 

* * *

He had waited for hours before trying again. 

His steps had been uncertain, shaky and painful, and now he was standing in front of the door hesitating to turn the handle and open it. Akira was on the other side and he knew the man would tell him to go back on the bed and try to rest, but Yuu also knew he had planned to take him to a hospital the next morning. He couldn’t let him do, and it’s with a determined look on his face that Yuu opened the door. 

Every lights in the living-room were turned off, but the moon was shining its silvery colour as Akira had forgotten to pull down the shutters. Yuu quietly left his bedroom when he noticed the other man sleeping on the couch, an arm under a pillow and the other touching the floor with fingertips. He was sleeping soundly, mumbling sometimes incomprehensible words making Yuu smile a little, and luckily for the young man he hadn’t heard him open the door. Yuu felt a hint of guilt growing in him as he watched him sleep, thinking about what had happened earlier. Akira only wanted to help him and his body had acted as if he’d wanted to hurt him. It wasn’t Yuu’s fault, nor Akira’s if he was conditioned to behave like that. He had never asked to flinch every time someone was trying to be nice with him, he had never asked to feel scared whenever someone was close to him, and most of all he had never asked to doubt the only ones he should trust the most. And if he was telling him that he was safe here, it had to be true. 

Yuu took a few more steps reaching the window with some difficulties, then slid to the ground and watched the moon. He had missed watching it, missed to see how bright it was and how its light was calming him. He hadn't been able to catch a single glimpse of it in two years. He missed watching it, and he missed doing it with his mother. He had been thinking a lot about her during these two years, asking her questions she would never answer, wondering if she could see him and what she could feel. Maybe she was sad to see what her son was going through, upset too. She couldn’t protect him like she did when he was younger, and Yuu couldn’t feel her arms around him, embracing his frail body. He had imagined a life in which she was still alive, in which there were only the two of them. No father and husband who would beat and rape them, no shouts, no tears, no nightmares. Only smiles and love from his mother. But his friends weren’t in his imaginary life, Kouyou wasn’t by his side. 

He had thought about him a lot too, thought about what he could be doing when he was trying to sleep in the middle of the night. Maybe he had forgotten him, maybe Yuu had just been a fling and Kouyou had now moved on. Even if they were close, even if Kouyou had whispered in his ears late at night promises of staying with him and protecting him, Yuu knew they’re were all lies. Kouyou hadn’t been able to protect him, Kouyou hadn’t been able to prevent his father from taking him back home. And no one had been there to calm him down after a nightmare, no one had been there to soothe his fears once his father was done with him. Yuu had been all alone during these two years. 

His memories of how his former roommates looked like were blurry, he hadn’t even been able to recognize Akira right away earlier. What were they looking like now? Were they feeling all right? Were they all outside? Were they still in touch with each other? Deep down, Yuu hoped they were. He hoped they all had buried their demons and were living normal lives now. Yuu hoped Takanori was a smiling teenager today, freed from his depression and suicidal thoughts, and was having the life Yuu didn’t have at his age. Yuu never knew the reason of his depression, but he really wished the younger teenager was feeling better now. The young man remembered the day he had found him in the bathroom lying in his own blood. He had been so scared for the boy that day, scared he wouldn’t survive, scared Yuu would have had to live with his death. Luckily Takanori had survived, and Yuu had never seen him at his worst again. 

He had missed them so much, every single one of them, but Yuu was scared. He was scared to see them again, scared to hear them comment on his body. Yuu was aware he wasn’t physically the same boy as before, he was aware the bruises on his body and especially on his face were ugly, he was aware he would disgust them. His father had told him that lots of times, daily. He would never be beautiful again, he would disgust everybody and especially Kouyou. Yuu was his and his only, he was his father’s bitch and no one would want to touch him again after everything he had done to him. 

The young man was shedding silent tears as the memories of the last days were coming back to his mind little by little. His father’s voice was reminding him who he truly was, what he had to do throughout each day only for his own sexual pleasure, reduced to only being a toy to his father. Yuu knew he had destroyed his identity, his mind and his body, Yuu knew it would be difficult to start afresh and he was really doubting he would ever manage to fix what he had broken. 

Noises on his left made him miss a heartbeat and for a few seconds he thought he had woken Akira up, but seeing that the other man hadn’t moved at all, Yuu caught his breath back as he hadn’t noticed he had stopped breathing. Nothing was there in the dark, nothing was moving near him, he had just imagined the noises, too used to hearing strange things at home when he was with his father. Except that this time, the noises were real and near him. Yuu recognized them to be the sound of a little bell and hidden under the table, he saw it. Lying on a chair, Nezumi was looking at him with curious eyes before coming out of its hiding when Yuu stretched out his arm. He watched the kitten coming closer to his hand, smelling it and tickling his fingers with its whiskers, until he saw it lie on his thighs. Yuu’s lips stretched into a smile when he heard the kitten purr and play with his fingers, trying to bite them. It was warm and soft and petting the white and grey kitten was calming the young man. 

He never had a pet when he was younger. He had dared to ask for puppy for Christmas when he was six years old, but the only thing he got on that day was a visit to his mother admitted to the hospital due to a fall down the stairs. His father had told him it was his fault, that he had left his toys laying around and his mother, who was busy with carrying a laundry basket full to the brim, hadn’t seen his car toys and had tripped over one of them. Yuu had never believed him. He had been playing on that Christmas afternoon with his car toys, yes, but in his bedroom and none of them were in the corridor near the stairs. He hadn’t believed him because Yuu remembered he had heard an argument between his parents just before his mother's fall. Yuu hadn’t been the one who’d sent his mother to the hospital, he would have never done this to her. 

“You’re cute,” Yuu whispered as the kitten was snuggling against his belly and slowly falling asleep. “And so little. Akira’s lucky to have you.” 

Yuu didn’t fall asleep that night, he stayed on the floor against the window with the kitten on his lap, petting its fur and watching the moon. The young man was tired though, but he couldn’t fall asleep, he was too used to staying awake for hours at night, waiting for something or somebody who would never come, waiting for his father to come inside his bedroom and once he would see his son was still awake, he would play with him for hours. Yuu was staying awake to prevent the nightmares and memories from torturing him, he was staying awake so that he could hear the slightest sound in the house and know when he had to fear for himself or not. The red eyes and dark circles were parts of him now, as well as the bruises. 

Everything in the apartment was silent for a few more hours until Yuu heard noises from the couch as Akira was slowly waking up. Yuu didn’t move when he got up from the couch and stretched his body making his back crack, then headed to his bedroom trying to be as quiet as possible when he opened the door as if he didn’t want to wake the young man up. From where he was sitting, Yuu saw his body tense when he noticed he wasn’t in the room anymore and how fast Akira reacted when his first intuition was to look in the other rooms. Yuu didn’t move when he came back in the living-room, not pleased at all and anxious, with his hands in his hair which were almost pulling them. A part of himself couldn’t help thinking that Akira feeling angry because he wasn’t in the bedroom anymore could end up angrier at him, even maybe hit him. Another part of himself was telling him that it wouldn’t happen, Akira was a friend and he would never hurt him no matter what. 

“I’m here,” Yuu said as Akira still hadn’t noticed him. 

"You scared me," Akira started, a hand on his heart, then sat down in front of him. "I thought you were gone." 

"Where would I go with my feet?" 

"Well from what I told you yesterday I thought... you may want to be as far as possible from here." 

"I'm sorry..." 

"Hey, it's not a reproach," Akira smiled, but Yuu had already lowered his head focusing on the sleeping kitten. "I see you met the little demon." 

Hearing its master's voice the kitten opened its eyes and jumped from Yuu's lap before walking to Akira, purring as he was running his fingers in its fur. Akira talked to the kitten for a little while, asking if he had woken Yuu up, if he's been nice with him while daddy was still sleeping, before paying attention back to Yuu who was looking outside. The sun was slowly rising and Akira could now have a better view of the young man. He looked so tired, so different, so dead Akira felt he had to do something, he couldn't stay there impassive. 

"What is your cat's name?" Yuu asked as his eyes hadn't left the thin layer of snow covering the balcony and reflecting the few sun rays of the morning, his eyelids feeling heavy. 

"Nezumi, and he never lets me sleep in the morning," Akira answered with a smile before noticing Yuu was dozing off. "When was the last time you had a good night of sleep?" 

"I don't remember. I'm not tired..." 

"Yuu, you need to sleep. Let me put you to bed,” Akira said while standing up. 

“No! I’m not tired… It’s not time...” 

“Yuu you can sleep in my bed, I don’t mind at all.” 

“It’s not time,” Yuu repeated putting his hands on his ears trying to ignore what Akira was saying. It was not time to sleep, at this hour Yuu was used to doing something else, something that wasn’t involving sleeping. “You won’t let me sleep… It’s not time.” 

“What are you saying?” Akira asked coming closer to the young man. “Of course I’ll let you sleep, you need it Yuu. Do you think I would harm you?” 

“It’s not time...” 

“Come with me.” 

Putting his hands under Yuu’s arms and legs Akira lifted the young man from the ground who hadn’t stopped repeating that it wasn’t time, surprised he wasn’t struggling this time but instead hid his face in the crook of his neck and started to cry as Akira could feel his body shiver in his arms. Yuu was scared once again, Akira could tell it, but scared of what? Him? Possible nightmares? Being alone with another man? There were a lot of possibilities and each one of them could be the right one. 

As Akira was walking to the bedroom, Yuu hadn’t stopped shedding tears on his shoulder. He was ashamed, ashamed of his body and his reactions, ashamed because Akira might be thinking how disgusting his body was. Yuu knew he could feel each of his bones with his hands more than usually, his ribs, his kneecap and his hip bone. Yuu knew his spine as well as most of his other bones were prominent now. He was ugly and no one would love him like that, no one would want him with this body, no one would want him if they knew who he truly was. This was one of the truths he had been hearing every day, aloud or even in his head like a broken record, truths which were destroying him little by little. He wasn’t the boy they got to know at the hospital anymore, he was someone else now, someone worse, someone they couldn't help, someone they couldn't love. 

Carefully, Akira made him sit on the bed and put his arms around the young man’s waist who hadn’t let go of his sweater, his fingers still clinging to his shoulders. He rocked him during long minutes, whispering soothing words in an attempt to calm him down, and ran his fingers through his jet black hair wondering if it was or not because of the tiredness that he was crying, wondering what his words meant when he was repeating that it wasn’t time. Akira thought Yuu had to have endured other things than just rapes to be scared like that, it couldn’t be only that. Something worse had to happen to him, but what? Akira couldn’t think of something plausible, he had some assumptions by seeing his body, but they couldn't be true. Father or not, he couldn’t have done what Akira had in mind at that very moment. But at the same time, it would explain a lot of Yuu’s reactions. For now, the only thing he could do was to be patient and take care of his friend. He needed to be reassured, needed to hear he was safe with him and that nothing bad would ever happen to him again. 

The morning fog had disappeared when Akira left the bedroom and a sleeping Yuu tucked up in the bed. 

* * *

The day went by in the blink of an eye and Akira already had to leave for work. He had spent his morning tidying the apartment trying to not make to much noise as to not wake Yuu, had cooked for them both even without knowing if the young man was going to eat once he'd wake up, and had played with the kitten before being interrupted by the ringtone of his phone, the screen showing Yutaka was calling. The teenager had enjoyed a break in the middle of the afternoon to call his boyfriend before attending the last classes of the day. They'd talked for an hour about this and that even though Yutaka had been the one to talk the most, asking Akira if the cat had messed up his sleeping schedule again and if they could see each other on Wednesday since one of his teachers had fallen sick during the weekend and wouldn't be back before next week. This had been a good excuse in his opinion, he would have a free afternoon and would be able to see his boyfriend more. At this question, Akira got silent and Yutaka knew it wouldn't be for this time. He told him he was currently helping a friend in need and that he couldn't let him alone a whole afternoon. Akira didn't know if he already could tell that Yuu was with him, he didn't know if Yuu wanted his friends to know where he was and how he was feeling so Akira had decided that for now it would be a secret between them. Of course Yutaka had been disappointed, but he wasn't angry. He could still call him or text him if he wished. 

Once they ended the call, Akira took the time to nap for an hour before he had to leave for work. When he woke up for the second time today, he silently went to his bedroom to check on Yuu and was surprised to see him still sleeping. Akira didn’t know he hadn’t slept at all the last night, he hadn’t asked him since how long he’d been awake this morning. 

Akira sat on the edge of the bed before caressing Yuu’s long hair. He was sleeping so peacefully, with no sign of distress or fear on his face that it was breaking his heart to wake the young man up. However, Akira had to. He couldn't leave for work without telling him, Yuu would be alone and probably get scared seeing he was alone once he’d wake up. 

“Wake up sleepyhead,” Akira started before slightly shaking his shoulder. “It’s time to wake up.” 

“Five more minutes...” 

“Yuu, wake up.” 

“Five more minutes Dad. I’ll get up… I promise...” 

The situation had a lingering sense of déjà vu. Akira remembered hearing the same words two years ago when he had woken him up the day he had to do his own check up, he remembered the fear in Yuu’s eyes when he’d told him he was in the hospital and not with his father, he remembered him looking at Kouyou who was at the other side of the room with incomprehension in his eyes. Akira was seeing the same boy from two years ago, and he didn’t know how to handle this. 

“Yuu, you’re not with your father anymore,” Akira told him once Yuu finally opened his eyes as he realised what he’d just said to the blond man. It was the same situation again, Yuu was looking through the room hoping he would see him, but laid his eyes back on Akira when he understood that Kouyou couldn't be there with him. He had unconsciously done the same gesture than back there, and Akira knew that deep down, even if two years had passed, Yuu hadn’t forgotten him. “You have nothing to fear here, remember?” 

“I’m sorry...” 

“It’s nothing,” Akira told him with a smile, avoiding asking him why he mentioned his father, and gave him some time to be fully awaken, and some space. He could see that Yuu wasn’t comfortable with him being that close to him, as in the hospital where the few times he had been able to be close to the teenager had been rare occasions. “You’ve been sleeping for a long time and I need to leave for work soon.” 

“Am I.. bothering you?” 

“Not at all! I only wanted to let you know, I’ll be back late in the night so please, don’t wait for me and rest.” Akira reassured him before going to his desk and took a piece of paper on which he started to write. “I let you my phone number, if you need something or just want to talk, don’t hesitate and call me.” 

“I will, don’t worry about me,” Yuu was a good liar when it came to his own self. He would be a good boy and patiently wait for Akira to come back home, he wouldn’t bother him by calling him every now and then or each time he needed to be reassured. He would be a good boy and stay on this bed, doing nothing else than waiting. Yuu was used to doing all of these things anyway, he was used to staying silent for hours with a crippling fear as his only company and waiting on his bed for his father to come back home. It wasn’t the same situation, but it had some similarities. 

“Ok so… I guess I’m going now, make yourself at home all right?” 

Akira then left the apartment not without a sense of worry for his younger friend he had to leave alone. He would have stayed with him if he could and he really hoped Yuu would be all right alone. What Akira didn’t know was that Yuu was more afraid of being alone than waiting for what was coming once Akira would be back home. Yuu knew he wouldn’t harm him, Akira wasn’t like his father, he knew he had nothing to fear with him, but some things weren’t that easy to change. Some things were branded in his mind, some things he would never forget even with time. 

Yuu waited to hear the noises of the keys in the lock before leaving the bedroom as best as he could. Akira had told him to walk as less as possible in order to not hurt his feet more, but he needed to walk. He was now, more or less, completely free to move so Yuu decided to have a look at the apartment. 

It had been too dark earlier this morning to distinguish anything, but now that the lights were on, he could spot some things more easily. The living-room was quite spacious; a large TV screen was in front of the couch on which Akira had spent the night, shelves were on each side of the screen and it surprised Yuu to see glasses of various shapes and use, and next to the TV the landline phone was laid. A dining table was between the couch and a huge brown cat scratcher. Yuu saw a few opened envelopes on the table, but he held himself back from being curious, they weren’t his and Akira surely wouldn’t be pleased with him reading his post even if they were only bills. The kitchen was on his left with everything you needed in it. Yuu didn’t dwell on any longer and walked with some difficulties to the entry then at the end of the small corridor. The room behind the last door was the bathroom, painted in light blue and white. Yuu went to the sink and let warm water flow on his hands. It had been a long time since Yuu had felt warm water on his skin, he had only known the coldness. The coldness of his room, the coldness of the showers he had to take late in the night, the coldness of his father’s hands. 

Yuu saw the mirror in front of him, Yuu saw the results of his father’s ‘love’ as it was the first time in weeks he was able to see his face. His left eye was swollen, a deep cut on his lips was still healing as well as the one on the bridge of his nose, the most recent bruises were still black whereas the ones on his cheekbones and throat had a purple shade. Yuu could only see his face and throat right now, but he could easily imagine that it had to be the same result on the rest of his body as he had never taken the time to look at it when he was locked in that room. Yuu was looking at his own reflection with blank eyes as he was remembering his father's words each time he would beat him black and blue, telling him he loved him so much, telling him he had to obey, telling him it was breaking his heart to hurt his own boy like that but that it also was his only way to show him how dear Yuu was to his father, telling him how beautiful he was with all these bruises, telling him he would never leave that house, telling him no one would come for him as they all had forgotten him and didn’t want to put up with someone like him. He had told him that even his own mother couldn't bare the sight of her son and that was why she had killed herself, but Yuu knew it was just a lie. Yuu knew his mother had loved him deeply, he knew she would have never killed herself because Yuu was everything she had. Yuu knew the truth, but no one would believe him. 

A loud ‘bang’ made him jump after a while and soon Yuu could hear shouts coming from the other side of the apartment, in the corridor of the floor. The words that were being said reminded Yuu too many memories of his childhood when his parents were having fights. It was the same words, it was the same pain he was feeling inside, it was the same fear Yuu was feeling when he went back in Akira’s bedroom, and under the covers, Yuu was the same little boy from twelve years ago when everything had started. The same tears of fear were running down his cheeks till the voices in the corridor and in his head were gone. It was hurting Yuu to remember his past, he had wished he could forget the fights between his parents with time, but the pain was too big to bear. 

He was still crying when he felt something jump on the bed behind his back, then tickle his neck. Yuu hadn’t noticed the kitten sleeping on a scarf laid on the desk when he came back into the bedroom and the kitten, being curious about what was this new human he’d never seen before this morning doing on his masters’ bed, had jumped from the desk. Nezumi climbed over Yuu without using its claws and purred once it saw Yuu had his eyes opened before lying beside the young man. The sound it was making had an immediate effect on Yuu who was slowly calming down while petting Nezumi’s white and grey fur. 

Yuu would have given everything in his childhood to have a cat. His mother was fond of these little things and he knew she would have been so pleased to have one. At that time, the day till her birthday could be counted on one hand and Yuu still didn’t have a present for her. The idea of a cat came to his mind during an afternoon in the middle of Spring when his mother was looking at old pictures of her own youth. He had learnt that afternoon that she grew up with a cat when she was around her son’s age, but that cat died a few years later, hit by a car. Of course she had used other words in order to not shock her little boy. Later in the evening, Yuu had asked his father if they could surprise her and go to the pet shop the next day to see if they had kitten for sale. _“For mama,”_ he’d said with sparkles in his eyes. Yuu hadn’t been expecting the violence in his father's words, the only thing he’d wished for was to pleased his mother. Not see her cry on her birthday. 

Nezumi was still purring when Yuu closed his eyes and tried to think about something else, something happier. Without thinking his mind showed him pictures of his former roommates as if thinking about them, and especially one of them, was going to make him feel better. It wasn’t. What Yuu was feeling was worse; shame, fear and pain. He would never be able to face them and be the teenager they all used to know in the hospital. He was still so different today, he’d changed a lot in two years and not only physically. His mind was broken, his own identity had been shattered to pieces, he was someone else, a puppet, but a puppet freed from its strings even though he could still feel the burning pain they had left around his limbs. Yuu was far away from his father's hands, but for how long? Yuu wasn’t in a fairytale, he knew no knight in shining armour would come save him on his white horse. This was real life, it wasn’t that simple. 

* * *

Akira was more than happy to leave the nightclub. Once again he’d had to handle drunk people, once again he’d had to play along with drunk women hitting on him, once again he’d had to call a cab for many of them and once again he’d had to witness security guards kick out perverts and people fighting. Akira loved his job, the salary was really good and he needed money for his future plans with Yutaka, but sometimes on nights like this one, he was wondering why he was doing this. Seeing people in such a state every night, drunk and for most of them not even able to stand, wasn’t to his liking. It was the atmosphere between the other people working here, his boss and himself that was making him stay. 

His boss was a middle-aged woman who had gladly given him a chance. The day he came into the nightclub with hope to get a job, he had told her his few experiences in the field while she was looking through his resume, asking him questions he gladly answered to. Akira had been so nervous that when she told him once she was over with her questions that she would call him back, he knew he wouldn’t get the post. Three days, five days, a week and a half had passed when he got a call in the early afternoon as he was spending the day with his mother. The woman couldn't remember when had been the last time she’d seen her son with so much happiness in his eyes. Once he’d ended the call, Akira left his mother's house telling her he was starting this new job in a few hours, and took his time to let Yutaka know he’d found a job. They’d talked for half an hour, Yutaka telling him how much he was happy for his boyfriend, before Akira had to leave. 

He’s spent the first few hours watching Akiko, a barmaid around her thirties, serving drinks after drinks, listening to her advices and around midnight she let him do the job as she was still keeping an eye on him and helping him when he had to deal with his first drunk clients. His first night of work went smoothly and when he went back home early in the morning, Akira was dead-tired, but happy. He had a job, he had an amazing boyfriend, he was far from the hospital and his past self and in his mind, Akira was finally a normal person. 

When Akira opened the front door, he was surprised to see the lights were still on despite the late hour, and nor Yuu nor the kitten were nowhere to be seen in the living-room. Maybe the raven-haired was sleeping, maybe he had forgotten to switch off the lights, Akira couldn't tell and he didn’t mind the lights. It could happen. 

After putting his keys on the table, Akira went to his bedroom and opened the door slowly in case Yuu was sleeping. Except that the bed was empty, there was only the kitten on it. Akira felt panic grow once he walked further in the bedroom, Yuu wasn’t there. What if he really tried to leave? What if he was far away now? What would he do outside in the cold? Where would he go? He ran away from home and from an abusive father, it was clear as day, and Akira wondered what had happened during the last hours for Yuu to want to leave. What should he do now? Where should he start looking for him? He had to find him, he couldn't leave him alone on his own and certainly not in his current state. 

Akira turned over, ready to leave his bedroom when he saw him thanks to the light coming from the living-room. There, hidden under the desk, Yuu was hiding covered by a thick blanket which had been laid near the bed. His eyes were wide open, his hands on his ears were preventing him from hearing any noise, and despite being covered Akira could see his thin legs shaking. Sighing in relief, the man slowly crouched down and waited for the raven-haired to look at him. He was terrified and that brought more questions in Akira’s mind who wondered if he shouldn't have stayed with him and call his boss telling her that something unexpected happened and that he couldn't make it for tonight. The blond man had be certain Yuu would have called him if anything went wrong or if he needed something and as he’d gotten no calls from him during his whole shift, Akira thought everything was all right for the raven-haired. 

“What are you doing under there?” He asked him once Yuu seemed to have calmed down and put the blanket away from his upper body. 

“Hiding,” Yuu answered after some seconds of silence, averting to look into Akira’s eyes because he was way too ashamed of the man finding him under the desk and he was sure just looking at his face and especially his bruises was disgusting the other man. “Someone knocked on the door a few hours ago and I got scared. I thought… I thought...” 

“You thought? Tell me,” Akira said with a reassuring smile. 

“It doesn’t matter.” 

“It has to since it scared you and you’ve been under that desk since then. You can tell me, I’m your friend and I will never judge you Yuu.” 

“It doesn’t matter...” 

Akira didn’t insist on making him talk about what had scared him earlier, and rather asked him if he’d eaten and what he’d done while he was at work. Yuu lied when he told him he hadn’t been that hungry and had only eaten an apple and a yoghurt before playing with the cat, but Akira wasn’t fooled. He had clearly heard his stomach grumbling just a few seconds ago, and on top of that Akira didn’t have any dairy products in his fridge since he was lactose intolerant so when Yuu put his arm across his stomach as a louder grumble could be heard, Akira softly laughed then stood up and went to the kitchen to cook something for the both of them because yes, he was hungry too. Yuu was still sitting under the desk when he came back after nearly twenty minutes with two hot plates in his hands, and sat in front of him once again. Akira joked about it, telling him he could come out of his hiding place and eat with him, but the only reaction he got from the raven-haired were words he didn’t understand their meaning. _It’s not time, I can’t_. Akira didn’t understand what he wanted to say behind these words, the young man was hungry so he had every rights to eat no matter how late it was now and especially when Akira didn’t know when was the last time he ate something hot, and by seeing his body so thin he doubted his last meal was within the last days. He tried to make him eat, but the more he was trying, the more Yuu started to get defensive and the blond knew it was no use to force him to eat. They both had to go through this except that Yuu was far from being healthy again. 

None of them talked after Akira’s fourth attempt to make him eat, so the blond ate in silence keeping an eye on the young man who had slowly started to go out from under the desk, calling himself names and looking at his own plate with envy. He couldn’t eat and couldn’t explain to Akira why, he wouldn’t understand, Yuu was sure of that and after another question from Akira asking him if he was sure he didn’t want to eat, he watched him leave the bedroom with the plates and come back soon after with bandages and disinfectant. The raven-haired let him treat his wounds once again, let him put him to bed without struggling in his arms, and when Akira sat on the edge of the mattress once he was sure Yuu was warm enough under the covers, the young man asked him shyly if he could let the door open and the bedside lamp on, and appreciated the fact that he didn’t ask him any question, but instead told him he would stay on that bed until Yuu falls asleep. 

Except that Akira never went back on the couch that night. 

* * *

The night after, when Akira came back from the nightclub, he’d been welcomed by screams and sobs. In his bedroom, he could hear Yuu screaming, calling for help, and coughing. Akira didn’t wait any longer to go in his bedroom and switched on the light before walking toward the raven-haired who was writhing in pain under the covers, sweat and tears glistening on his face and neck. 

“Wake up Yuu, wake up,” Akira called him, gently shaking him by his shoulders. “Wake up, you’re having a nightmare.” 

“Stop it,” Yuu begged still asleep. “Not tonight… Leave me alone!” 

“Yuu listen to me, open your eyes,” The blond was trying his best to wake him up, and the more he was listening to what he was saying, the more he was feeling a nasty chill running down his spine. This wasn’t a nightmare, it was his memories. “Open them...” 

“Someone help me… Please… Help me… Kouyou!!” 

Akira took the young man in his arms as he was still screaming Kouyou’s name and it was then that he noticed he was burning with fever. He was rocking him in his arms as Yuu was holding his pullover tightly between his fingers and was crying in a heartbreaking way in Akira’s neck, still screaming, still pleading, still calling for Kouyou hoping he would come if he’d scream his name loud enough. Akira was whispering soothing words in his ears, stroking his back drenched in sweat as well as his long hair, telling him it only was a nightmare and that no one would hurt him here, that he was safe with him. It took Akira long minutes of patience until Yuu stopped to scream. 

“He’s going to find me… He’s going to hurt me again,” Yuu babbled incoherently with a hoarse voice in Akira’s neck. “He hurt me really badly...” 

“No one’s going to hurt you, it was just a nightmare. It’s over now, you have nothing to fear.” He told him then put a kiss on his burning forehead before carrying him to the bathroom where he removed the young man’s clothes only leaving him in his underwear and then made him sit in the shower cubicle. On his knees beside the raven-haired, Akira waited a little more before taking the shower head in his hands and make the water run, making Yuu jump when he felt the cold water touch his feet. “You have a fever, it will help lower it,” Akira waited for a reaction, a nod or even a few words, before letting water touch his skin. 

“It’s cold, stop it!” Yuu tried to leave the shower cubicle, but he was too weakened by his fever. “It’s too cold… Please...” 

“It’s for your own good Yuu, I promise it won’t be long.” 

“Where is Kouyou? Where is he?” He asked him out of nowhere, looking into his eyes as tears has started to fall on his cheeks once again. “He had promised...” 

“What did he promise?” 

“He promised my dad would never touch me again,” A coughing fit made him stop in his explanation as he was watching Akira playing with the tube. Yuu didn’t even know why he was telling him this, he didn’t know why he was asking so freely about Kouyou. He would have never done it in other circumstances, that was all because he was having a fever and he couldn’t stop himself from telling him what he had on his mind. “But he did. He brought me back home, he touched me every day and no matter how often I begged him, he would never listen to me… Kouyou broke his promise!” 

“Yuu, you know it’s not Kouyou’s fault. No one was expecting that your father would take you out from the hospital,” Akira told him with a calm voice, letting the water flow on his back now. “You know he would have done everything possible to keep you with him.” 

“He broke his promise… I hate him Akira… I hate him _so much_!” 

Akira didn’t know what to say more to a heartbroken Yuu. The raven-haired was convinced Kouyou had forgotten him, he was keeping saying these words as well as how much he hated him between two sobs. Deep down, Akira knew Yuu didn’t mean his words, it only was the fever that was making him say this, but maybe it had a part of truth. Maybe Yuu hated him for having made this promise he couldn’t have kept, maybe Yuu hated him for not having tried enough, maybe Yuu hated him with all his heart but Akira knew the young man loved him nonetheless. 

The blond man took his time drying and clothing Yuu once he’d stopped the water, erasing the tears that were falling on his cheeks and holding him tightly in his arms, whispering soothing words into his ears once again. He had to do it, Kouyou wasn’t here to reassure the boy, he wasn’t here to hold him in his arms and never let him go, he wasn’t here to tell him the words Yuu needed to hear from his own mouth. Kouyou wasn’t here to take care of Yuu. 

When Akira left the bedroom once Yuu was sleeping soundly after he’d drunk a medicine for his fever, he thought maybe it was time to call his friend. Maybe it was time for him to know Yuu was with him, it was time for him to know Yuu needed him so that’s why he dialled Kouyou’s number with shaking hands. How was he going to tell him? And most of all, would Kouyou believe him? He was asking himself dozen of questions over and over again, waiting for his friend to pick up his phone. 

_“You’ve reached Takashima Kouyou’s voice mail. Leave a message and I’ll call you back as soon as possible.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here it is! I'm sorry it took sooooo much time, thank you for your patience! <3


	15. Chapter 15

_“You’ve reached Takashima Kouyou’s voice mail. Leave a message and I’ll call you back as soon as possible.”_

“Come on dude, pick up your phone! It’s the fifth time I’m calling you in two days. We need to talk… Yuu’s with me.” 

Akira didn’t know what to do more now, his friend wasn’t picking up and he couldn’t just jump in his car and drive all the way to Kouyou's building and ring until he would open the door. He couldn't leave now and let Yuu alone as he was still sick with a fever and coughing his lungs out. He had to stay with him in case his condition would get worse, in case he would babble incoherently again just like two days ago. Akira didn’t want that Yuu believes Kouyou had forgotten him and wasn’t caring about him anymore because this was far from the truth. How many times did he have to reassure him over the phone or around a cup of coffee that his beloved was still alive, that he had managed to survive his father's countless abuses until now, they just needed to find him and Akira knew how hard Kouyou had tried to find him. He knew through how many deceptions he’d had to go before telling Akira that maybe it was better like that, he couldn’t find him nor save him. That day, the blond man had told him what he had on his mind and that he couldn't give up now, Yuu needed him. Kouyou had to find him and at the end of the day Akira had promised him to do his utmost in helping him find the raven-haired. He had tried everything, but one day came when he thought that they couldn't look for him in the whole country without even a single hint. It was like looking for a needle in a haystack, Yuu could be near them and they wouldn’t even know. 

The blond threw his phone on the couch once he hung up. Now that he’d told Kouyou Yuu was with him, he hoped that everything would turn out for the best for the both of them. They needed each other _so much_ , Akira couldn't ignore this fact and keep it a secret to himself. He had to tell his friend, he had to tell him it was over, he had to tell him Yuu was finally safe, but Kouyou wasn’t picking up his phone. Once again, Akira guessed he must be working himself to death and ignoring his calls since he was doing this to forget his pain, his anxiety and the nightmares he was still having during some nights. The day they knew it was no use to look for Yuu in Mie, Akira had had to see Kouyou go through anger, worry and then devastation. His friend had called him in the morning telling him he needed to talk to him, he needed his friend by his side and by hearing the tone of his voice, Akira hadn’t hesitated a single second to drive to his place. That day, he had spent countless minutes reassuring a crying Kouyou that there should be a solution, they couldn’t just vanish like that without telling someone where they were going, someone in their former neighbourhood must have noticed something was going wrong in that house, something was wrong with how that man was treating his child. That day, Akira had put a slight hope back in Kouyou, he had managed to make him see the glass as half full and that hadn’t been an easy thing to do. 

The clock was already showing past noon when the blond decided to prepare a chicken broth for Yuu in which he added some vegetables, and heat up the leftovers from last night for himself. Once again during the past days, Akira had tried to make him eat when he wasn’t sleeping but it had only resulted in Yuu telling him over and over again that it wasn’t time or that he wasn’t feeling well enough to eat, until the moment he’d been too hungry to say no. In those moments, Akira had to bring a basin for the young man and each time seeing Yuu struggling to keep in his stomach what he’d just eaten was breaking Akira’s heart as he’d only wanted to take care of him, not make him feel ashamed because he’d vomited in front of him. After each time, he’d had to reassure a panicked Yuu babbling numerous _I’m sorry_ s while rocking himself back and forth, fear clearly visible in his eyes. 

The soup ready, Akira filled a bowl he put on a tray with medicines and a glass of fresh water before heading to his bedroom. To his surprise, Yuu was awake and lying on his side with his eyes wide open focusing on the kitten which was sharpening its claws on a bag. Once Akira shooed the kitten away, he placed the tray on the bedside table then helped Yuu sit up against the pillows. His face was still as pale and it was brightening the many bruises which hadn’t completely faded yet. 

“How are you feeling?” Akira asked after Yuu had managed to give him a faint smile. 

“I’m freezing,” Yuu started with a hoarse voice, trying to put the covers back around his shoulders. “I know it’s not cold in your flat. I’m still feverish, aren’t I?” 

“You are, but it’s not as bad as before,” He told him after he’d checked his temperature with his hand on his forehead. “You should be up and about within the next few days, but for that you need to continue taking your medication and–” 

“Your cough syrup is disgusting,” The raven-haired interrupted him ignoring the bowl and spoon Akira had taken in his hands. 

“...and eat Yuu.” 

Yuu shook his head by reflex. He knew he had to eat, he knew it was for his own good, but the fear of being punished because he was eating without _his_ permission was far too great, even though he knew he couldn’t reach him and hurt him here. During these two years, Yuu had been conditioned to obey to his every beck and call without complaining, his father had been the only one to decide when he could sleep, when he could cry, when he could eat. Yuu had been his doll and some things never change once they’re branded deep in a soul. It would take the young man some time until he would be able to move freely again. 

“I’m not doing this to hurt you, you know?” Akira told him bringing his hand near his cheek, but stopped halfway when he noticed Yuu closed his eyes and tried to avoid his hand. “Try to eat please, even if it’s just a few spoonfuls.” 

“It’s not time,” Yuu said once again as he was trying hard to ignore the bowl, but the smell was whetting his appetite more and more. 

“It is Yuu, you can eat. I’ll leave you alone after this, I promise.” 

Carefully so that Yuu wouldn’t burn himself, Akira gave him the bowl and helped him eat, taking breaks when he needed them. And Yuu ate. For the first time in months, he could enjoy again something as trivial as this, he could enjoy the burning sensation in his throat warm him from inside. No one was telling him what to do right now, Akira was only encouraging him to continue and helping him hold the bowl between his shaking hands. Yuu was grateful to him, but at the same time he couldn’t help himself from feeling ashamed, ashamed of being so weak in front of the blond man, ashamed of reacting like that, ashamed of needing someone else’s help. 

“Try to rest now,” He gently ordered him once Yuu was snuggled under the covers. “And call me if you need something.” 

It didn’t take Yuu a long time to fall asleep without any problems, thanks to the medicines, so Akira left the bedroom silently taking the kitten with him as he knew he would make a mess in the room if no one would pay attention. In the living-room, Akira let his kitten down on the couch where he saw it sink its claws in one of its many balls and start to play with it. As for him, he took his time to do the dishes and clean a little the flat without making too much noise then called his boss and told her he wouldn’t be able to come the next few days. _Personal reasons_ , he said and was confident enough to lie to her as he had never missed a single day of work without a good reason until now, and he knew she wouldn’t say a thing. 

Two hours went by without any big incident concerning Yuu, except maybe one or two coughing fits Akira eased by giving him a glass of water to drink. Two hours during which the man had done nothing but play games and check on Yuu from time to time, check if his fever had lowered or not, if he was still sleeping soundly or struggling with his nightmares. After he’d done it one last time, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear, Akira remembered he had to do his grocery shopping now that he had some time. He had to fill the fridge up and Yuu was going to be okay alone for less than an hour, right? Akira whispered to the sleeping raven-haired that he would be quick and be back in no time. 

Luckily for him, only a few other people had had the same idea of doing their shopping at this hour of the day, so Akira was quickly waiting in the checkout line once he’d found everything he needed for now. The cashier was a young student he was used to seeing here during weekends and holidays, and was always a nice and friendly person with the most beautiful smile he’s ever seen, beside Yutaka’s. Their little talks always were full of nice comments and laughters and it was a real pleasure for Akira to see another cheerful person in his neighbourhood. Taking his change as the girl in front of him wished him to spend a nice day, he left the shop at the same time he felt his phone vibrate in the pocket of his coat and smiled when he saw who was calling. 

“Hey gorgeous,” Akira said cheerfully walking down the street to his building. “You’re calling early today, missed me already?” 

_“Hey...”_ Yutaka’s voice sounded as if he was on the verge of crying, shaking and heartbreaking. 

“Love, what’s wrong?” 

_“It’s just a bad day today… Talk to me, let me hear your voice.”_

“What happened?” Akira asked him with a tender voice. “Did you fight with your dad?” 

_“No, it’s not that. I just… I just failed a test I studied really hard for.”_

“On what subject was your test?” It suddenly became silent on the other end of the line and Akira knew he’d just gotten his answer. Despite having spend some time in the hospital, Yutaka was a good student who managed to catch up with his schoolwork he missed, thanks to his father and Akira who had helped him a lot. “Yutaka?” 

_“...Maths,”_ Yutaka answered after a long moment without speaking. Maths never were his strong point, but he made a great deal of effort. _“I’m really sorry Aki I know you’ve helped me with that subject, you took your time to explain me everything I didn’t understand and I really tried to understand everything but I failed!”_

“Babe–“ 

_“I must be a huge disappointment to you now… I am so sorry.”_ Yutaka interrupted him. 

“Babe–” 

_“We got the correction today, I am so stupid! I made mistakes on easy questions, on things you helped me!”_

“Yutaka!” Akira called him with a louder voice as he was reaching his building, then looked in his pockets for his keys. “You are far from being stupid, trust me.” 

_“But–”_

“No ‘buts’, okay? You can do a lot of things, and please, stop believing I’m disappointed in you just because you’ve failed _one_ test. You managed to go back to high school and rebuild a normal life, you’re learning and sometimes you will fail and that’s okay! You’re still learning Yutaka, it’s all right to make mistakes. No one is perfect, me for example, I’ve never finished high school!” The blond-haired admitted between giggles and felt proud of himself when he heard Yutaka’s chuckle. 

_“Thank you Aki, you always find the right words to make me feel better.”_

“What kind of boyfriend would I be if I can’t make you feel better?” He asked as he pressed the button to call the lift. “Next time you come, bring the correction with you and we’ll work on it.” 

_“I’ll do it. By the way, are you… Are you still helping your friend? I want to see you.”_

“I want to see you too sweetheart, but I’m still helping him and, uhm, about this,” The man started as he was thinking while looking at the numbers indicating on which floor he was that it was maybe time to tell him the truth about why they couldn't see each other right now, why he couldn't leave his flat and his friend alone. “You know him.” 

_“I don’t know a lot of your friends Aki.”_

“Oh trust me you know him,” He told him reaching the fifth floor, his, and quickly opened the front door. “We met him two years ago.” 

_“I haven’t met any of… Oh!”_ The young man heard him laugh as the name came to his mind. _“Is it Yuu? Is it really Yuu? How did it happen? How is he? Can I come?”_

“Breathe love,” Yutaka’s reaction made him chuckle once again, hearing him so excited about this pleased him and he knew his boyfriend would be so happy to see him again, but he also knew it was too soon for Yuu. 

Akira answered to all of his questions as he was putting the groceries away, in the fridge and in the cupboards, and checked on Yuu once again surprised the raven-haired was awake. He asked him how he was feeling while Yutaka – still on the phone – was telling him how much he was looking forward to meeting Yuu again and as soon as the teenager noticed his boyfriend was speaking with Yuu, he shouted a cheerful ‘hello Yuu!’ the raven-haired heard and sent questioning looks to Akira. The man stayed in the doorway until he ended the call with the teenager, promising him to keep him informed about Yuu’s state. 

“Did you sleep well?” Akira asked him, sitting cross-legged in the middle of the bed. 

“Yes,” He answered rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “The noise of the keys woke me up. Were you… outside?” 

“Yeah, I was doing some groceries. The fridge was almost empty. Did you need something? I can go back there, it’s down the street.” 

“No… No really,” He managed to say between a few coughing. “Can I… Can I ask you another question?” 

“Go on.” 

“With whom were you talking? I heard my name, I didn’t mean to listen to your conversation...” 

“Yuu don’t worry, it’s okay,” Akira told him with a warm smile. “It was Yutaka.” 

The man laughed as soon as he saw the surprise in Yuu’s eyes who clearly hadn’t been ready to hear that. Right now Yuu had too many questions in mind, he was feeling too many different emotions and didn’t know which was the most important. Joy? Fear? Deception as deep down within him he had been expecting someone else on the other end of the line? Sadness when he realised he wouldn’t be able to face them with this body and all the shame he was hiding? And how was it even possible that Yutaka and Akira had stayed in touch with each other after they left the hospital? He had so many questions he hoped Akira would answer to a few of them. 

“You’re still in touch with him?” He asked playing with the cover between his fingers. 

“Yes. I went back a few times to the hospital to see them, most of the time with Yutaka’s father, and since he left too well…” 

“You two are together.” Yuu saw him nod after a few seconds and he remembered – he didn’t know why and why now – the day Yutaka had bitten his neck after he’d told him how much he loved the blond man. “How is he? If I can ask.” 

“Of course you can! To be honest he wasn’t feeling great today because of school, but hearing that you’re here with me was the icing on the cake!” 

“Wasn’t it too difficult for him? I mean, after the hospitalisation.” 

“It was a little, but his father and I were there for him. He’s better now, really. No more fits nor voices in his head and he’s smiling so much more.” 

“It would be nice to see him again. Actually,” Yuu started, not sure if he could voice his fears concerning his former roommates. What if he would think Yuu was stupid to react like that? What if he’d told him he had absolutely no reason to be scared and just trust them? But trusting someone wasn’t easy for Yuu anymore, even if they were his friends. “It would be nice to see everyone again, but… but I don’t think I can show myself like that,” He told him pointing his bruised face. 

“And why that? You know, everyone would be really happy to see you again, no matter what body you have. It’s been two years Yuu, two years. We were all scared for you, believe me, and there wasn’t a single day when we haven’t thought about you. Look,” Akira started while gently taking his hands in his. “Your departure has been a real shock for us, and I think I don’t need to tell you who has been the most affected, right?” 

Yuu squeezed his hands harder as he realised his departure had hurt Kouyou the most when it had been the last thing he’d wanted. Guilt was choking him now. How many days had he spent – had _they_ spent – worrying about him? How many nights had he spent thinking about what Yuu could be doing, or worse, what he could be enduring? Yuu’s departure had hurt them deeply, and for two of them the wound wasn’t healed yet and it was all his fault. 

“I’m sorry,” He said lowering his face, hiding behind his bang. “I… I didn’t want to–” 

“What are you apologizing for?” Akira asked stroking the back of his hands with his thumbs while he was feeling Yuu was trying to keep his tears. “You did nothing wrong, you weren’t the one to decide to leave so don’t cry, okay?” 

“That’s not what he said,” Yuu started but stopped when he realised what he was going to say. He then removed his hands from Akira’s and kept them against himself as if he was trying to protect himself. “Forget it I said nothing. Nothing important. Nothing true.” 

“Yuu...” 

“What are they becoming?” The young man asked out of the blue hoping Akira would forget what he’d just said. “Kouyou and Takanori I mean.” 

Akira sat more comfortably on the bed with his back against the wall before telling him everything he wanted to know, and brought his legs against his torso. “Kouyou’s working for a model agency as a photographer since… almost a year? He already was working as one before his hospitalisation if I remember what he’d told me. He’s been lucky, his sister is married to his boss so it was easy for him.” 

“I met her there. She’s nice.” 

“Yeah, she helped him a lot. Akemi really cares about her little brother.” 

“And Takanori? How is he doing?” 

Akira didn’t know what to do nor what to say. Telling him the truth about the young boy was out of the question, Yuu wasn’t in a state to learn what had happened, he wouldn’t bear the pain. No one did, but they learned to hide their pain with time. Takanori was too young, he needed help and he surely never should have left the hospital so soon. Maybe, _maybe_ he would still be here with them, living a life every teenagers deserved to live, maybe he wouldn’t be buried in a white coffin with dozen of varied flowers on his grave. Akira had wished to see him smile before it happened, but now his eyes and lips were shut forever. 

“He’s fine,” Telling that lie was burning his tongue and he was hating himself to lie to him, but what Yuu didn’t know couldn’t hurt him, right? “He was fine last time we saw him.” 

“Last time?” 

“They moved in the south so we can’t see him as often as before.” 

“Oh… It would be nice to see everyone again some day, the five of us gathered like before.” 

“We will, one day we will.” 

“I can’t face them Akira, not like that!” Yuu exclaimed with fear in his voice. “Look at me, my body is full of bruises, I’m way thinner than last time. I’m disgusting, and I bet you’re thinking the same thing.” 

“Of course not Yuu, why would we be? We never judged you before on how you looked like, why would we today?” 

“I’m not the same as before...” 

“Everybody changes. I promise you no one will judge you or be disgusted by you.” 

“You don’t know a single thing Akira… They will be, you will be.” 

“Yuu, don’t you trust us? We’re your friend you know that, right? You have every reason to be scared right now, but I promise you we’re never going to be disgusted by you no matter what happened, no matter how you look.” 

“It’s not about friendship!” Yuu shouted as he was feeling his cheeks burning. “I… I can’t show myself like that I… Akira...” 

“Tell me.” 

“I… I don’t want Kouyou to see me like that,” He told him in a breath looking at his own skeletal hands, not seeing that once he’d said Kouyou’s name, Akira’s expression had changed into a worrisome one. “I don’t want to disgust him...” 

“About him… Yuu I have to tell you something important.” 

“What?” 

“I called him two days ago, and told him you were with me.” The blond man admitted sitting closer to Yuu now. He knew his confession would make Yuu feel like a mess because of his every fears he’s been telling him during the past minutes, but he had to know that. Yuu had to know Kouyou was aware he was with him. 

“Why did you do that?! He doesn’t have to know, he shouldn’t see me like that!” 

“Calm down Yuu, come here,” Gently, Akira took him in his arms noticing the way his body winced when he touched him, and when one of his hands found the base of his neck, gave it soothing massages. “He hasn’t called me back yet, but I know he wants to see you so badly. He misses you a lot.” 

“I… I do too...” Yuu revealed feeling tears falling on his cheeks, tears he quickly wiped. 

The raven-haired hadn’t stopped thinking about the other man during these two years, he had been the only one along with his mother to keep him sane when he’d been thinking about them as it was making him bear all these horrible things a little bit more. Yuu really did want to see him again, but he was so ashamed of his own body and the young man he was now. He didn’t know if Kouyou would be the same he was with him back there, he didn’t know if they would have that kind of relationship again. Yuu only knew that he wasn’t ready to meet him again now. 

* * *

Akira was slowly losing hope that Kouyou would call back, when he finally got that call a few days later while he was changing for the last time Yuu’s bandages. 

“It’s better late than never dude,” He told him cheerfully, staying near Yuu. 

_“Sorry, I couldn’t use my phone where I was. Anyway, I heard your message… Are you serious? I swear Akira if it’s a joke you’re dead.”_

“Kouyou, why would I lie about that knowing how you felt during these last years? You know I would never joke about him.” The silence he got as an answer was telling him everything, as well as the worry he could see in Yuu’s eyes. “Kouyou?” 

_“You know how many days I’ve been looking for him… You know how many failed attempts I’ve made...”_ Kouyou was moved to tears, relieved Yuu was finally safe with someone he trusted with all his heart, relieved Yuu was finally far away from his father's hands. 

“I know Kou, I know.” 

_“And you’re telling me he’s with you. How is that even possible? What happened Akira?”_

“I was driving back home and I saw him, he fainted and I took him with me.” 

_“How is he? Tell me please.”_

“He was sick but he’s feeling better now.” 

_“That’s not what I meant Akira.”_

“Honestly?” Akira asked looking Yuu in the eyes and took one of his hands in his. “I think it’s worse.” 

_“Are you beside him?”_

“Yeah, he’s just in front of me.” 

_“Can I… talk to him?”_

“No!” Yuu exclaimed when he heard his question. They all heard the fear in his voice and Akira saw the expression in his eyes change. 

“Kouyou...” 

_“I heard him. I’m sorry, I guess it’s not the right time… I’ll call another day if I can.”_

“Kouyou.” 

_“Take care of him.”_

“Kouyou, listen to… He hung up.” 

“It’s my fault, I’m sorry…” 

“Well, he wanted to talk to you, hear from your own mouth how you are feeling. He’s been worrying a lot about you since you left.” 

“Did he really?” 

“Of course he did! Yuu, your departure hurt him a lot. He’d spent nights crying in your bed, he almost lashed out at a nurse when she came the same day, and even refused to stay with us. He was so scared for you Yuu, so scared to let you go with your father.” 

“My father did nothing!” Yuu said by reflex. 

“Don’t think I’m stupid. He did something bad to you, stop lying to yourself. You wouldn't have left your home if he really did nothing to you.” 

“I can’t talk to him now, I can’t…” 

“You’re scared, and that’s normal. But trust me when I say he will never judge you or be disgusted by you.” Akira told him trying to sooth him with simple words, hoping it was working as he could see his whole body tremble with fear. “You mean so much to him, he doesn’t want to lose you.” 

“How can I trust what you’re saying if I can’t even trust anyone again?” 

Akira knew what he was meaning by that, something inside Yuu had changed, something broke thanks to his father's treatments – he was sure of that. They would never see the Yuu they used to know in the hospital, he became someone else, someone who was more scared by them than he had been before. Everything they had done to gain his trust had just crashed into many pieces during these two last years. The smiles they had shared together would maybe not be the same now, Yuu wouldn’t trust them as easily as before. Maybe. Akira couldn’t tell how things were going to go from now on, but he knew – if Yuu would want to talk to Kouyou again and maybe see him in a near future – Kouyou, as well as Yutaka and himself, would be patient and not force him to do things he wasn’t comfortable with. It would take time until Yuu would be freed from his past, time until he would truly feel better. 

* * *

It was the middle of the afternoon when Yuu was waiting for Akira to come back from his parents, sitting on the couch with the kitten sleeping on his lap, and watching a Disney movie. His fever was gone, the injuries on his feet were almost completely healed as he wasn’t bleeding anymore and could walk better, but the bruises on his face and neck were still there, still with a dark shade compared to the others he had on his body which had almost faded completely. He had thought a lot about Kouyou's call during the last days, and had thought that maybe he should be the one calling him this time. Of course, Kouyou had called back as he’d said, but Yuu had always refused to talk to him no matter how many times the man did it, still too scared of his own reactions and Kouyou's. He had thought that maybe it would be a good thing to hear his voice once again, he needed to hear him, needed to know how he was doing, needed to know how hurt he was because of him. The guilt Yuu was feeling was still so strong even if days had passed, he didn’t know if he could one day forgive himself for all the pain he had caused them, he didn’t know if they would forgive him. 

On the TV, Rapunzel was leaving her tower when it hit him he had some similarities with the character. She had been locked in a tower, he had been locked in a house full of nightmares. She fled from her abusive ‘mother’, he fled from his abusive father but unlike her, he had done it on his own. She lost a significant part of her identity symbolized by the loss of her hair, he had lost that part by loosing his trust in his friends. She sacrificed her love for Flynn the moment she chose to save him, he sacrificed his the day his father brought him back to their home. Despite his fears, a part of him deeply buried was hoping his relationship with Kouyou would be reborn and that they would find again what they were in the hospital. He was hoping, but Yuu wasn’t stupid. He wasn’t in a fairytale, he wasn’t the same boy they used to know, he changed way too much. 

The characters were singing “I’ve got a dream” when Akira opened the front door, welcomed by the sight of his friend focused on the screen, his head moving in rhythm with the song. 

“And Vladimir collects ceramic unicorns,” Akira sang resting his elbows on the back of the couch. 

“You’re too early it’s not now in the song,” Yuu told him with a smile. 

“It’s the only line I know actually.” 

“And, do you collect ceramic unicorns?” 

“Who knows.” Akira answered before bursting into laughter, then added once he caught his breath back. “I see you weren’t bored while I was gone. That’s good!” 

“It’s the second I’m watching. I’m not causing any troubles, am I?” 

“Of course not Yuu, don’t worry. I told you, make yourself at home.” 

“Akira,” Yuu called him as he had started to play nervously with his fingers. “Did… Did he call today?” 

“Not yet. He will though, don’t worry.” 

“I… I want to talk to him. I really want to but...” 

“But?” 

“I’m terrified.” 

“You know you don’t have to be, right? He hasn’t changed, he’s still the same man you knew.” Akira told him sitting next to him. “Kouyou hasn’t forgotten you nor all the things you shared together in the hospital, he’s been looking for you as soon as he left but he never found you. You know he would have make you leave that place.” 

Yuu stayed silence for a few minutes as if he was thinking about something, and the blond-haired man noticed the tears that were coming to his eyes. He noticed the way Yuu was trying to breathe calmly in order to not panic and he knew what were going to be his next words, but it was best for the young man to voice it. 

“Can I call him?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not really satisfied with this one, it's a filler chapter ;w; Next one will be focused on Kouyou!
> 
> Also, a big 'Thank you' to my friend who helped me when I was stuck with some parts and telling me her thoughts about the chapter/whole story <3
> 
> See you next time ~


	16. Chapter 16

_It hadn’t been the sunny and hot morning that had put Kouyou in a good mood. It hadn’t been his roommate’s smiles and jokes and messy hair. It hadn’t been the kindness of the nursing staff. What had put him in a good mood this morning had been the good news his doctor had told him the day before. Kouyou was leaving today. He would be out before noon, he would be with his sister. Far away from here and closer to Yuu._

_The day before when he returned to his bedroom, his big grin and happy laughters had surprised his roommate, Ayato, as he had never seen him like that. They had the same age, Ayato being only a few months older than Kouyou, and had been sharing this bright room for nearly a month after Minato had left the institution. After he had cried in his arms that he wouldn’t make it outside without his support, without his soothing words during a panic attack. Kouyou had taken his time to calm him once again as Minato’s parents were waiting outside of the room. He had taken his time to dry his tears and make the boy smile again, telling him jokes and even awkward memories they had in this room. He had taken his time with him and in the end, Kouyou had made him promise he would never see his gorgeous eyes and dyed hair between these walls ever again. Minato had laughed and before he’d left the room, he had told him he was hoping he would see that boy Kouyou loved soon, he deserved to be happy and to be out of here too._

_The next day, Ayato had been introduced to him._

_Kouyou was putting a t-shirt in his suitcase when the door opened on Ayato smiling brightly to him. Ayato and his wavy black hair. Ayato and his almond-shaped eyes trying to be not too focused on Kouyou’s back. Ayato and his slender shape which was yet so different months ago. Ayato and his shaking hands bruised from having made himself throw up too many times because of his bulimia. Ayato and his long and deep sigh when he sat on his own bed._

  _“To be honest with you,” He started after a long moment of silence, looking this time straight into Kouyou's eyes. “I’m going to miss you, and our small talks late in the night.”_

  _“I’ll miss you too Ayato,” Kouyou answered putting a last thing in his suitcase before closing it and then sat on his bed as well, facing the other boy. “Actually, I’m going to miss a lot of things from here. But I have to go.”_  

_“Of course.” He said softly, feeling his throat tighten as seconds went by. “You’re better now and there are people who need you outside.”_

_“Yeah, they need me,” He needs me, Kouyou thought looking at his suitcase laid beside him. It was true, he was finally leaving. How many times since the beginning had he dreamt of having another chance? How many times had he dreamt of leaving this place and finally be rid of his demons? How many times had he dreamt of spending time with his family, without constant arguments and pain? It was happening now, and Kouyou hoped his relationship with his parents could at least be a little better now that he wasn’t that sick anymore. He really did, even though he knew that no matter how hard he would try, the pain he had caused them years before would never heal._

_A small knock on the door pulled him out of his daydream and his smile got wider when he noticed his sister at the doorway._

_“Well I guess it’s time for goodbyes now. Come here,” Kouyou said to Ayato, opening his arm at the same time he was getting up from his bed. He hugged him, sighing when he felt his fingers holding tightly his t-shirt behind his back. Once again, it was hard to say goodbye. For both of them. “You will be out of here one day too, trust me. I know you can do it even if I’m not here anymore. You’re strong Ayato, I know you can.”_

_“What did I do to deserve such a… friend?” Ayato laughed against Kouyou's neck then let him go. “Take care of yourself and… good luck for the rest.”_

_“_ _Goodbye Ayato,” His suitcase in hand, he waved at him before leaving the room and all his memories behind him, following his sister through the corridors full of other patients and doctors._

_Kouyou really hoped everything would be all right for Ayato. He was a nice boy, always understanding, always smiling even when he had no will to. Ayato deserved to be happy too and feel better, he deserved to be freed from his condition and get another chance on living. They all deserved it._

_For a reason he ignored, Akemi wasn’t really talkative today despite her smile spreading her painted lips, and was barely answering his questions, barely telling him she was happy it was over. It was all thanks to her that he was here today. She had made him leave the hospital for this one, she had made everything possible for him when they were younger so that he could bear a little more their family life, she had been near him during every one of his problems and every one of his fits when they were still living with their parents. So whatever she had in mind, Kouyou would soon know._

_And it was the last thing Kouyou could think of._

_“Come on Akemi,” Kouyou said slightly irritated once they left the building and were walking to the parking lot. “You know I don’t like when you keep secrets from me,” Looking at his sister, Kouyou made a cute pout while poking her arm. “Tell me.”_

_“I didn’t come alone,” was the only thing she said before looking at her car when they entered the parking lot, looking with a big smile at the person who was standing there._

_“Mom…?”_

_“Surprise little brother,” Akemi said putting a hand in the middle of his back, encouraging him to take a step forward their mother._

_Kouyou hesitated to take his mother in his arms, but not for a long time as she opened her arms and hugged him tightly, staying silent for the moment. Kouyou wasn’t expecting his mother to come. He had never thought he would see her that soon, never thought she would come. During his whole internment, he had never seen her once and with what Akemi had told him Kouyou knew she hadn’t been doing it of her own free will. Kouyou was more than happy to see her and hold her and see she wasn’t pushing him away._

_“What are you doing here?” He asked holding her hands in his, smiling from ear to ear and feeling his eyes becoming full of tears._

_“I’m here for you of course!” She replied with the same big smile he had on his lips. “Can’t I see my boy now?”_

_“But, what about–”_

_“Hey you two,” Akemi interrupted him, closing the trunk of her car after she’d put Kouyou's suitcase in it. “Get in there and let’s talk somewhere else, I don’t want to stay on this parking lot the whole day. And I’m getting hungry!”_

_She drove them to her apartment where they spent a nice moment in family, only the three of them smiling and laughing for the first time since too many months. Kouyou had missed these kind of moments. He had missed their smiling faces, he had missed being with them, he had missed their signs of affection whether it was only a hug or a simple question as ‘Are you okay?’. Kouyou had missed his mother's eyes sparkling with joy. The last time he had seen them, they were only full of sadness and something Kouyou couldn’t identify yet._

_“You should talk to her,” Akemi said to her brother when she saw him take a plate to wipe it. “You both have a lot to say to each other. I can finish this alone.”_

_She was sitting on the couch with a cup of hot coffee in one hand and turning the pages of a magazine with the other. She was simply dressed: light skinny jeans with her usual high heels and a v-neck t-shirt underneath a creamy short-sleeved bolero jacket. Kouyou sat next to her noticing few strands of grey hair and wrinkles around her eyes, but even with them Kouyou thought she was still beautiful. She was still that beautiful and kind woman who had raised and loved them wholeheartedly. She was still that woman he had hurt deeply._

_They stared at each other silently for a while, smiling to one another. Kouyou could find a lot of himself and his sister in his mother's features, just like their lips or the bridge of their nose._

_“It’s been awhile since the last time you saw me, right?” Kouyou asked bending his legs beneath him._

_“Years… And it hadn’t been a pleasant moment.”_

_“I’m sorry about that… I didn’t want that argument between dad and me.”_

_“I know dear,” She said removing his fringe from his eyes. “I know.”_

_“_ _He never hold me dear to his heart anyway. Not since… That night.”_

_“Kouyou… It was an accident.”_  

_“No mom, please,” Kouyou sat on his knees, facing his mother, and took one of her hands between his. “Stop lying to yourself. You know it wasn’t.” There it was, that moment Kouyou dreaded and needed at the same time. The moment they both needed. He couldn't back down now. “You know I’m the one to blame, I did it. It’s my fault if our family is broken today. It’s my fault dad is like that.”_

_“Kouyou, honey, look at me,” She gently ordered him putting her free hand on his warm cheek. “Your father and me are solely responsible for what happened. You were a kid Kouyou, it was an accident.”_

_“That’s not what he kept telling me during all these years. That’s not what I heard after each time he was beating me,” Kouyou stopped for a few seconds, remembering how his father had been treating him. Kouyou had had to bear the insults, the punches, the mental abuses for years. “Mom, I know it won’t mean anything to you now but I’m deeply sorry. I need to tell you that. I hurt you, I hurt a lot of people because of what I did and who I became and you have every right to hate me. But I need to apologize to you.”_

_“My sweet boy,” She started, taking him in her arms and caressing his back when she felt him slightly shaking. “I don’t hate you, you should be the one to hate me. I’m your mother and I did nothing to protect you, I’ll let your father do and I ignored it.”_

_“You were scared of him.”_

_“Yes, but that doesn’t forgive my behaviour. A mother should always protect her children, no matter what.” She looked at him in his eyes and wiped a tear that was threatening to run down his cheek. “Now you won’t have to worry about your father anymore.”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_“I was in court yesterday. It’s official, we’re divorced.”_

_Hearing this was as if a weight had been taken off his shoulders. The days where he had been called a monster and hit for reasons he didn’t understand at that time were over. The days where he was harming himself and hurting people around him were over. Even though he could still see her in his dreams, even though he was still hating himself for what he did, it was finally over. His mother wasn’t hating him, his father was far away from him, and his sister – his beloved sister – had never abandoned him, had always tried her best in helping him whenever she could._

_Still embracing his mother, Kouyou could see Akemi standing in the doorway of the living-room, smiling to him. He mouthed a ‘thank you’ as a single tear he couldn't hold back ran down his cheek._

* * *

It had been a long and tiring week for Kouyou who had had to travel in almost the whole country for his job. The agency had made him work with one of their models – not his favourite – driving from one place to another, doing photoshoots after photoshoots, enduring her every whim and comment. Kouyou had remained professional though, calm and had ignored every cutting remarks that model had told him. Kouyou loved his job, he loved photography since his middle school years and couldn’t risk now to lose it by talking back to a capricious model who couldn’t accept criticism from some tabloids. He had this job and he would do everything to keep it. He was already lucky enough that his boss was also his brother-in-law and that they were getting along pretty well.

Locking the front door of his apartment, Kouyou dropped his bags on the floor with a long sigh as he was removing his coat and shoes, then headed straight away to the bathroom. He needed a bath. A _burning hot_ bath. An hour or two of complete relaxation with no one to tell him while he was in the middle of a photoshoot that he would have to do another one in five minutes, no one to tell how they should look at the camera or what they should do with their arms. Just himself alone with the silence of his apartment, and his thoughts.

A sigh of satisfaction escaped his lips as soon as his lower body was in the bathtub. He was feeling good, his sore muscles relaxed and the warmth of the water was doing to him a world of good. Kouyou had waited for that moment the whole day. It was freezing where the photoshoot had taken place even though he had been wearing several layers of clothing, big snowflakes had been falling the whole day and not even ten minutes after the start, the wind had picked up. Not to mention the fact that everyone had been irritated and not only by the weather. Everyone had been tired and looking forward to going back home, going back to their family.

Except that Kouyou had no one here in this too big apartment to call home. No one was here to welcome him with a smile, no one was here to ask him how was his day, no one was here when he was feeling lonely, no one was here when he wanted to talk. Oh of course he could always call Akemi or Akira, but that wasn’t the same. He wanted someone else. He wanted _Yuu_. It had been months since the day he had learned Yuu wasn’t in his hometown anymore, but the pain was still here. The killing loneliness he was feeling at night in his bed was still here. The worry he was feeling when he was thinking about what Yuu could be doing was still here. The nightmares in which he could see his skeletal body being tortured was still waking him up in the middle of the night. Kouyou didn’t know what to do, didn’t know where to look for him. The pain was more and more difficult to bear with each day passing by as well as his feeling of worthlessness.

Nonetheless Kouyou was keeping hope with Akira’s words. He had promised him they would find him, he had promised him Yuu was still alive somewhere out there, he had made him promise to not give up even though it was hard now that they didn’t know where Yuu was. Kouyou couldn't give up, he had no right. Not when Yuu was still hoping to see them one day, not when their feelings for each other were that strong. Kouyou was so scared to find out one way or another that Yuu might have died. If that would happen, he would never forgive himself. He could have been able to avoid this, keep Yuu with him away from his father and his countless abuses if only he had made him talk. Kouyou knew Yuu was so close to telling the truth, but something was scaring him, paralysing him. He remembered the day Yuu had left the hospital, he had tried to speak when they were all sitting in the canteen and Kouyou was sure he was going to reveal everything. Yuu didn’t, and Yuu left him after that.

Wrapping a towel around his hips Kouyou left the bathroom, shivering when the coolness of the corridor hit his wet skin, picked up his bags on the way then went up the stairs to the mezzanine where his bedroom was. He couldn't wait to sleep in his own bed again wrapped in his bed sheets and not on a rock like mattress. Nothing could replace his home sweet home, it was only lacking someone and Kouyou didn’t know how long he would be able to deal with his absence. Kouyou needed him by his side, needed him in his arms and needed to know if he was safe. He was missing him terribly, but he had promised to keep his chin up.

Kouyou dried himself quickly, thanking himself for not having a window here – a few people from the opposite building would be glad to see him wearing nothing – and put on his night clothes. It was still early, but he was dead-tired. Sitting on his bed Kouyou rummaged in one of his bags looking for his mobile phone. Since he had had barely to no signal during almost the whole week, Kouyou hadn’t been able to use it and he guessed that he must have missed a few calls. Surprise could be seen on his face as soon as the screen turned on.

 **2 texts from: Akemi  
** **17 missed calls from: Akira  
1 voicemail from: Akira**

Kouyou started to feel worried. Akira had never called him as much as that, something must have happened, something important. Seeing the number of missed calls had managed to wipe out Kouyou's tiredness who didn’t wait a minute longer and pressed on the button to hear that voice mail, feeling his stomach ache with worry.

_“Come on dude, pick up your phone! It’s the fifth time I’m calling you in two days. We need to talk… Yuu’s with me.”_

Kouyou almost dropped his phone when Akira’s message ended. He couldn’t believe it. Did he understand correctly? Yuu was with him? Yuu, the one he was seeing in his nightmares crying and bleeding and asking for help, was with him? How in the world was that possible? They didn’t know where he was, didn’t know a single thing about his health and Akira had called him to tell him Yuu was with him?! Kouyou felt a lump in his throat. What if it was a lie? On the other hand, why would Akira lie to him? He knew how Kouyou was feeling about the raven-haired, that couldn’t be a lie. And yet… He had to call him back. He had to in order to allay his concerns.

 _“It’s better late than never dude”_ Akira’s cheerful voice brought him back to reality after a few ringing tones.

“Sorry, I couldn’t use my phone where I was. Anyway, I heard your message… Are you serious? I swear Akira if it’s a joke you’re dead.”

 _“Kouyou, why would I lie about that knowing how you felt during these last years? You know I would never joke about him,”_ Kouyou stayed silent. He knew his friend had a joker side, but knew when to be serious so Kouyou had no reason to doubt him. His worry had made him doubt and no one could blame him. _“Kouyou?”_

“You know how many days I’ve been looking for him,” He started, feeling tears at the corner of his eyes, relieved to know Yuu was with someone he trusted wholeheartedly. “You know how many failed attempts I’ve made...”

_“I know Kou, I know.”_

“And you’re telling me he’s with you. How is that even possible? What happened Akira?” Kouyou bet Akira could hear his tears in his voice and wondered if he was on speaker and if Yuu could hear him. Kouyou would give everything to hear him again, even if it were only a few words.

_“I was driving back home and I saw him, he fainted and I took him with me.”_

“How is he? Tell me please.”

_“He was sick but he’s feeling better now.”_

“That’s not what I meant Akira.”

 _“Honestly?”_ Akira asked before staying silent for a while, and Kouyou didn’t know if he was trying to find the right words or if he was trying to get Yuu’s consent for whatever reason. It was at this moment that Kouyou knew. _“I think it’s worse.”_

“Are you beside him?”

_“Yeah, he’s just in front of me.”_

“Can I… talk to him?”

 _“No!”_ Kouyou heard Yuu almost shout and what hurt him the most was the fear he’s been able to hear in his voice. Had these two years changed him that much so that he would be scared of him again? Were Kouyou’s attempts to gain his trust back in that hospital shattered to pieces?

_“Kouyou...”_

“I heard him. I’m sorry, I guess it’s not the right time… I’ll call another day if I can.”

_“Kouyou.”_

“Take care of him.” And he hung up, taking his head in his hands and burst into tears with relief and joy despite being frustrated.

The call had been shorter than Kouyou had expected. He had hoped he would talk to him, he had hoped Yuu _wanted_ to hear him too. Maybe had he forgotten him and everything they’d shared in the hospital? Maybe his father's abuses had been so horrible that Yuu was scared of everybody? Kouyou wasn’t sure, those were only his assumptions and maybe Yuu wasn’t scared of him. Kouyou was only sure about one thing: Yuu was hurt and scared of something, but he was safe. Nothing would happen to him as long as they would be beside him, no one would ever lay a finger on him. He didn’t have to worry for the moment, Akira would take care of Yuu until the day they would meet again.

Despite being slightly hurt by Yuu’s refusal, Kouyou was relieved and smiling. Soon he would talk to him again. Soon he would see him again – if Yuu wanted it too – even though he didn’t know how he would face him. Soon Yuu would be in his arms where his rightful place was. Kouyou only needed to be patient and let things happen. It was with his head full of hopes and memories of Yuu that Kouyou fell asleep, with no nightmare to disturb his slumber.

* * *

Kouyou had waited two days before calling Akira again.

That day, he had been working with three models for a well-known jewellery brand on some group pictures, brand that needed to highlight its brand-new set of jewels – a pair of round shaped earrings, a necklace made of three teardrop shaped sapphires and white gold, and different rings inlaid with black diamonds and the bluest sapphires Kouyou had ever seen for each models. The three of them were beautifully dressed in expensive dresses of different sizes. The model wearing the earrings had long black hair cascading on her naked shoulders and was wearing a dress made of blood red lace, the same colour as her painted lips. The one wearing the necklace was slightly shorter than the others and was wearing a black and purple tulle dress with a lighter bolero jacket made of the same fabric. The last model had her hands crossed on the woman’s shoulder beside her, showing to the camera the expensive rings, her pristine white dress fitting her body perfectly.

After an endless photoshoot during which he had to start it over and over again since the representative of the brand had never been satisfied with the results, he had decided that everyone should take a well deserved break and had tried to find a quieter place. He needed to call him, needed to know how Yuu was, needed to know if today Yuu would want to talk to him.

It wasn’t even ten in the morning yet when he dialled Akira’s number, far away from the people he was working with.

_“Hello?”_

“It’s me. Kouyou.”

_“Oh I wasn’t expecting your call today! You’re okay?”_

“Yeah, yeah. I just took a break,” Kouyou replied, sighing.

_“Difficult models?”_

“No, not at all! They’re really sweet, but Akira I don’t want to talk about work.”

 _“Sure, you called for Yuu,”_ Just by hearing his voice, Kouyou could see the smile Akira had to have on his lips.

“Well, you can’t blame me for being worried. Is he… Is he still with you?”

_“Of course he is! He’s in the shower right now.”_

“Ah… Seems like I’m calling at a wrong moment,” Kouyou said without trying to hide his disappointment. “Can I maybe call later?”

_“No it’s okay. You want to talk to him, right?”_

“Only if he wants to. I don’t want him to feel pressured.”

 _“I’ll ask him, but Kouyou,”_ Kouyou heard him knock on a door and Yuu’s muffled voice soon after. _“Don’t be too disappointed if he doesn’t want. He needs time,”_ He then asked Yuu that question and once again Kouyou had to face that today wasn’t the right day. _“I’m sorry Kouyou.”_

“No don’t be, it’s okay. Just… tell me how he is doing.”

_“Better. Actually, I told you last time he had a fever, remember?”_

“And?”

_“He was delirious. He told me you broke your promise concerning his dad, that his father has never listened to him and...”_

“And _what_ Akira,” It wasn’t a question and Kouyou felt his disappointment give place to anger, anger against Yuu’s father and against his inability to protect him. “Just spit it out!”

_“He hates you.”_

It was silent for a moment. Akira didn’t know what to add and Kouyou couldn't get these words out of his head. _He hates you._ Yuu had every right to hate him. Kouyou hadn’t been able to keep him safe, far away from his father's touches. He hadn’t been able to protect him and prevent him from suffering more than he had been before his internment. It was Kouyou's fault if Yuu was scared of him today, his own fault. He had promised his father would never touch him again, and yet he did.

“Give him the phone.”

_“Kouyou he doesn’t want to talk to you, not yet.”_

“Give him the damn phone Akira!” It wasn’t Kouyou's intention to shout and draw everyone’s attention to him. It wasn’t Kouyou's intention to sound angry at Akira. He couldn’t help feeling useless as Yuu needed him. Yuu had needed him in the hospital, he had needed him to tell him everything would be all right, he had needed him by his side after a nightmare and after each time his father was done with him. “Let me talk to him, he doesn’t have to talk to me.”

_“I can’t. You know I can’t Kouyou, he needs time.”_

“Please Akira… I have to tell him how sorry I am, he needs to know I would have done everything to keep him away from his father.”

 _“Kouyou,”_ Akira started in a soothing voice. _“You know this isn’t easy for me. It pains me to see you both like that and I wish I could give him the phone, but I can’t. He’s not ready, he’s terrified and needs time. Be patient, please.”_

“What has he done to him?” Kouyou asked hearing how his own voice was shaking. “What has he done to him for him to be scared of _me_?”

_“I think it would be better to not know, at least for now. And if that can make you feel better, know that he was scared of me too when I took him with me. It’s not only you, Yuu is scared of everyone.”_

“You were not kidding when you told me it was worse.”

_“Yeah, but what’s scaring him the most is that you will see his body.”_

“What do you mean?”

 _“He’s thinner… and bruised,”_ Akira added after a few seconds of complete silence.

“Is it bad?”

_“No they’re– hey he’s leaving the bathroom, you can call again whenever you want you know that, right?”_

“I know.”

_“And Kouyou, be patient. It won’t be long I promise.”_

“Take care of him for me please,” Kouyou told him before hanging up.

Akira was right. He needed to be patient and his little outburst hadn’t been necessary. Of course he was worrying about Yuu, of course he needed to reassure him and tell him everything he had on his mind and everything he had wished to during those two years, but not like that. Not when anger was still controlling his thoughts, not when he was that impulsive. He had to calm down first. Kouyou knew himself well. If he had the chance, he would drive to Akira’s place in this instant, but that wasn’t the best thing to do. It would only scare Yuu more. And what would he do once there? He couldn’t barge in and say ‘hello’ as if the last time he’d seen him was yesterday. Yuu needed time, and so did Kouyou. They both needed time before they could talk to each other again. It has been two years, they both had changed during this period and no one knew, not even themselves, how they would react once face to face.

Putting his phone back in his pocket Kouyou took a deep breath before walking back to the three models and the other persons he was working with today, ignoring their worried glances.

* * *

Kouyou stretched his back and arms. He has been working for hours on his computer and he could now feel the pain in his neck and shoulders. Kouyou had a bunch of photos from the last photoshoot to edit for the next day and he was kinda… late. So he was working since this morning, only taking breaks to eat and drink something, barely answering to his phone or leaving his study to go to the front door when someone had knocked or rung. The faster he would be over with it, the faster he could get some rest. Kouyou got the impression that his amount of work would never end. If only he hadn’t procrastinate and did it on time!

After another twenty minutes, Kouyou got distracted by the ringing sound of his phone placed next to a pot full of pens and pencils. The screen was showing someone was calling, Akira, and he was about to pick it up when it stopped after only two rings and the screen went black again. Kouyou ignored it. Maybe his friend had dialled a wrong number or something like that. Except that Akira called back a few minutes after, and hung up again before Kouyou could answer. Akira called once more, and hung up after a few seconds. He was starting to lose patience when after the fourth time Akira was calling, he quickly took his phone and finally answered.

“Listen Akira, some people here are trying to work. I have no time for your crap!”

No answers, as expected.

“If you have nothing to say just hang up and let me work!”

 _“Sorry I… I didn’t...”_ Kouyou could recognize this voice from thousands and couldn’t believe this was happening. _“It was a mistake… I should–”_

“Don’t hang up! Please… Don’t hang up Yuu,” Kouyou interrupted him, his right hand tensed on the desk. “Talk to me, let me hear your voice.”

_“But… you’re busy I-I shouldn't have called.”_

“It doesn’t matter now,” Kouyou told him, removing his glasses and rubbing his eyes before putting them beside his computer. He then stood up wanting to be far away from work while he would be on the phone with Yuu, and headed for the living-room where he stood in front of the French window. “Talk to me. Tell me how you’re doing or anything you want. I just want to hear you.”

_“I’m fine… I guess, I mean… I was sick but I’m feeling better now.”_

“Yeah, Akira told me about your fever,” Outside Kouyou could see kids playing in the snow, building snowmen and playing snowball fights. Kids with happy smiles on their faces. But he could hear no smile in Yuu’s voice. Only fear so it wasn’t worth telling Yuu he also knew what he had said that night. “Tell me more, I missed hearing your voice… I missed you.”

_“I… I… Kouyou…”_

“Don’t cry, please sweetheart don’t cry. It’s okay,” Hearing his sobs was breaking Kouyou inside. He wanted to take him in his arms and rock him whispering sweet nothings in his ears only to soothe him. He wanted to be by his side and wipe his tears, kiss his face, anything to bring a smile back on his lips. “You don’t have to be scared of me I won’t get mad, you know that, right?”

_“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…”_

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Kouyou lulled him with his words, trying his best and after a few more sweet nothings whispered, they both went silent, only listening to each other’s breath through the handset. “Sweetheart? Are you still there?”

_“I shouldn’t have cried… I’m weak… so weak. He’s always told me this.”_

“You’re not, believe me you’re not. You’ve been through so many difficult times and look where you are now. You’re safe Yuu, Akira’s with you and I’m closer than you think.”

_“Kouyou?”_

“Yes?”

_“I… I want to see you. I… I need you.”_

That was everything Kouyou wanted to hear. After these few words said with a broken voice, Kouyou kept on whispering soothing words to Yuu, promising him they would meet soon again but that he didn’t have to feel pressured to tell him this because of that call. During the following minutes Kouyou asked him several times if he was really sure about that, feeling his lips stretched in a big grin when Yuu told him ‘yes’, asked him if he would be all right and reassured him each time Yuu was telling him he was sorry. Sorry about what? Kouyou didn’t know. He felt relieved though when, at the end of the call just before they both hung up, he couldn’t hear any sign of fear in Yuu’s voice. Or so he thought.

His phone in his hand, Kouyou’s smile hadn’t left his lips. Yuu had talked to him, Yuu had told him he needed him. After two years, he had finally been able to hear the voice which had been haunting his dreams and nightmares. Yuu was safe with Akira, but he wasn’t feeling well. Yuu’s voice and tears had betrayed him and deep within himself, Kouyou knew it wasn’t only because he was missing him. Kouyou knew it was something Yuu would never admit no matter how hurt he was. For a reason Kouyou ignored, Yuu had always been protecting his father in the hospital, he had always denied that the man had abused him and had always said he had raised him like a father would do. But since Yuu was far away from his father's grasp now, maybe things were going to change. Maybe Yuu would tell him the truth in a near future. However, Kouyou couldn't put his hand in the fire. He had known Yuu as a fragile and scared teenager, what kind of young man was he going to meet in a few days?

Sighing deeply, Kouyou took his eyes off the snowmen abandoned by the children since long, and went back to his study with no will to finish his work. He wasn’t going to have a good night’s sleep.

_That’s what you get when you daydream the whole day dumbass._

* * *

That morning when Kouyou woke up, nothing nor no one could have been able to tarnish his good mood. Not his boss telling him he would have to work with _her_ today, not his neighbours’ daughter’s tears when he told her he couldn't come and play with her today, not the driver who cut him up on his way to the place where the photoshoot would take place. Nothing and no one was going to tear his happiness away from him. A couple hours. Those were the only things that were separating him from this precious raven-haired.

It had taken him a dozen of minutes to realize what had happened once the call had ended. It had taken him a dozen of minutes to realize Yuu had called him, he had heard this voice he hadn’t heard in two years. He had heard his fear, his heartbreaking sobs and his desire to be with Kouyou too. Everything he had ever wanted was happening only two days after the call and Kouyou – even though he was delighted about that – was thinking that maybe they were going a little too fast. Two days weren’t maybe enough for the both of them. Yuu wasn’t ready, Yuu was scared even if he’s been the one to suggest meeting him today. Kouyou on the other hand was looking forward to that moment, but what would he tell him or even do once in front of him? It has been two years, maybe the man Kouyou was today wasn’t the one Yuu needed. Maybe Yuu needed who Kouyou was in that hospital. _No way_. All these efforts Kouyou had made were only for Yuu. The man he had been couldn’t do a single thing for Yuu, he couldn’t help him. He had broken his promise. And maybe what he was feeling right now, the way everything was going too fast, maybe Yuu was feeling it too.

“Daydreaming again Kouyou?”

“Hm? Oh sorry,” Kouyou answered looking at the make-up artist beside him. She was a beautiful young woman with bright red hair and both ears pierced with multiple earrings. She was working for the agency for only a few months and Kouyou had never met someone like her. She was buzzing with energy, always smiling, always cracking a joke at the agency or during a photoshoot. She was even more spirited than Akira. “Did you need something?”

“Well you of course,” She said laughing. “She’s ready, and strangely in a good mood.”

“Thank goodness! Let me take my camera and I’m all hers.”

The model was barely twenty two but was already well-known in the country, and to Kouyou's great displeasure only wanted to work with him when it was possible. Because he was professional. Because he had that cold aura around him. Because it was easy to play with him and watch him keep calm. She was only twenty two and Kouyou hated that spoiled brat. Of course when she saw him all dashing in his burgundy pullover, his blue-grey scarf, his black jeans – she loved looking down there a little too much when he was wearing this one – and as always his rectangular shaped glasses, she couldn't help but gave him a gorgeous smile. A smile Kouyou hated. It was not a surprise to anyone who was working at the agency that this young woman had a crush on Kouyou. Not even to Kouyou himself.

Fortunately, the photoshoot went well. She didn’t made any comment on the way he was looking today, nor on the fact that he still hadn’t given her an answer about that…. date. Oh crap. She wasn’t going to love what was to follow.

“Thank you once again for letting me work with you,” She told him once there were less people around them. “I’m really grateful to work with someone as professional as you are.”

 _As if I had a choice_ , Kouyou thought. “The pleasure is mine Miss Takahashi,” Kouyou answered, giving her the fakest smile he could do.

“What do you think about the pictures?”

“Well, they look pretty good to me. You’re really photogenic and I think I will barely have to edit them,” Kouyou said putting his equipment in his bag, only to avoid her eyes. Of course it was a lie, he would have to edit them. No matter how every pictures turned out, Kouyou always had to edit them.

“You flatter me, I knew a beautiful mouth like yours could only say such nice things.”

“I’m only doing my job you know.”

“Speaking about your job, you really are a workaholic. It’s good to take a break once in a while, going out with friends, having fun. Have you thought about it?”

“I’m sorry I have to go,” Kouyou told her curtly then took his belongings and left, ignoring her calls.

He had to avoid this situation. For anything in the world would he give her what she wanted. Kouyou wasn’t interested and he couldn’t do that. Not when he was getting closer to Yuu with each passing minutes, not when he knew Yuu was still alive. Kouyou was so close and at the same time so far away from him thanks to these two years, but he was going to make up for the time they’ve lost and everything he had promised him but never did.

And maybe things were going too fast, maybe the fact that Yuu was going to see him in less than an hour was terrifying the raven-haired, but Kouyou couldn't bear spending more time away from him. He could feel it in the way Yuu had talk, he could feel it in the tears he had shed.

_Yuu couldn’t bear it too._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long delay! They'll meet next chapter ;)  
> Thank you for reading and telling me your thoughts! See you next time ♡


	17. Chapter 17

_“See you on Saturday then. You have no idea how happy it makes me Yuu.”_

Yuu had mixed feelings when he hung up. He was more than happy to have been able to talk to Kouyou – he hadn’t even been able to hold his tears –, more than happy to have heard his deep voice whispering words of love and promises, but at the same time this paralysing fear was making him think that maybe it had indeed been a mistake. That call should have never happened, Yuu should have never told him he wanted to see him. Yuu should have never told him he needed him. That oh so familiar fear was making him think how much Kouyou was going to be disappointed and disgusted by him. 

His whole life had been a succession of mistakes. It had been a mistake to be born. It had been a mistake to go play in that park with his mother when his father had clearly forbidden him to go the day before. It had been a mistake to leave his bedroom that night and go and see what was happening in the bathroom. It had been a mistake to hold his father's hand during the funeral and stay with him. It had been a mistake to not say a single thing _that_ night. His whole stay at the hospital had been a mistake. Leaving Kouyou had been a mistake. Leaving his father had been a mistake. 

Yuu wasn’t ready and couldn’t be ready in only two days. He was still so scared. So scared to eat. So scared to sleep. So scared to move from one room to another without asking for Akira’s permission. Yuu was still so ashamed and shaking each time he could hear a door slam or voices in the corridor, ashamed of the young man he could see in the mirror each time he was in the bathroom. The one who was looking at him through the mirror looked dead with his eyes ringed with fatigue and his sunken cheeks. His complexion was dull, his lips were chapped and bleeding each time he was trying to smile to Akira or even when he was trying to eat. His hands as well as his legs had barely any strength left, Yuu needed help when he wanted to hold something more than a few seconds and couldn’t stand on his legs a long time. Yuu was weak, and Yuu hated being like that. 

A part of himself had been overwhelmed with joy and relief when Kouyou had answered his call. Kouyou’s voice had sounded like he remembered it. It still had that sweet deep tone which had made him shiver a fair number of time when they’d been alone in their bedroom or under the covers, late in the night. Yuu could still see his beautiful smile behind closed eyes as Kouyou had been talking to him for minutes. That same smile which had made his cheeks turn red a lot before, and during the call. Yuu missed him terribly. He missed everything about Kouyou, from the sound of his rare laughter to his arms around his body, every little thing that made Kouyou who he was today. And now, would he still look like how Yuu remembered him even after two years? Would his eyes still reflect pain? Would his shoulder-length hair still have that pretty chestnut colour? Yuu couldn’t be sure. Kouyou had had to change, just like Yuu did himself. 

“How did it go?” Akira asked coming back inside from the balcony and sat beside Yuu. 

“I called him four times.” 

“Busy?” 

“No I… I hung up,” Yuu admitted, giving Akira his phone back then started to play with the kitten that was snuggling against his legs. “He answered on the fourth time. He wasn’t really… happy.” 

“Really? Why?” Akira asked, frowning. 

“He thought it was you and since I’ve always hung up he… he got a little angry.” 

“I can’t believe you really did that, for once I’m not the one who pulled a prank on him!” Akira said with a bright smile on his lips. “Anyway, do you feel better now?” 

“What do you mean by ‘feel better’?” Yuu asked avoiding Akira’s eyes. 

“You were scared about Kouyou's feelings for you and about that you could disgust him, so now that you’ve talked with him, do you feel better?” 

“No,” Yuu told him, hugging his legs against his chest and rested his head on his knees. “I’m not feeling better, I’m scared to death Akira. I’m scared to see him, I’m scared to see disgust and disappointment in his eyes and…” 

“And? Yuu I’m going to tell you once more, Kouyou would never be disgusted by you. He has never been and never will. What’s bothering you?” 

“He’s coming in two days...” 

“What?” Akira asked, surprised. 

“I know I should have asked before,” Yuu started to tell him, his body shaking and his eyes full of fear as he was now looking at Akira. “I’m sorry, I’m deeply sorry, I… I… Please don’t hu–“ 

“Hurt you? Yuu, how could you imagine I would hurt you?” Akira asked him, trying to sound as reassuring as he could, trying to take him in his arms but dropped the idea when he saw Yuu move back on the couch. “I would never and you know it. It’s okay, really.” 

“But… But I should have ask you before… I don’t even live here I had… I had no right!” 

“You did nothing wrong Yuu, trust me. You want to see him I can perfectly understand that. And don’t worry, I don’t mind if he comes.” 

“It won’t happen again. I’m sorry Akira.” 

“Stop it Yuu, I said I don’t mind.” 

“Akira?” Yuu called him after long minutes of silence. 

“Yes?” 

“I think I’ve made a mistake. I want to see him, I really do, but I don’t think I’ll be ready.” 

“Do you want me to call him and postpone it?” 

“No…” 

“Kouyou won’t hurt you, never. And if you want I’ll stay with you.” Akira told him once Yuu seemed to have calmed down a little, but stayed away from him knowing Yuu would wince again if he touched him. 

“I’ll be all right… With both of you, is that right?” 

“I promise you will.” 

“He won’t be disgusted when he’ll see me like that, right?” 

“He won’t.” 

Yuu gave in. A few tears ran down his cheeks as he was hiding his face in his hands. He wanted to believe Akira, he wanted to believe Kouyou would be the same man he had left in the hospital. A man who wasn’t disgusted by his skinny and scarred body. A man who always was trying to make him smile and feel comfortable. A man who wanted to protect him and keep him by his side. A man with whom he had shared so many precious moments. A man he had hurt. 

Even though Yuu was scared, Yuu needed Kouyou by his side. Yuu needed him so badly. 

* * *

It was one of the coldest days of the month. The snow had stopped falling for a few days to the great displeasure of children who couldn’t be mesmerized anymore by seeing the flakes falling and would probably not be able in a few days to build other snowmen and having snowball fights. 

Yuu had loved watching them from the window of the living-room playing and laughing like every kids of their age should. He too as a child had been playing during hours in the snow with his cousins, when he was still seeing them during holidays. He missed them so much, they were so close when they were children but now it has been nearly seven years since the last time he’s spent some time with them. It was during the Christmas season, a season supposed to be joyful, a season to spend with family. With the _whole_ family. Yuu’s family wasn’t whole anymore. His mother died years ago and this Christmas with his uncle and aunt and their two children had been the last Christmas close to be happy. Everything had changed after that, and Yuu had forgotten the meaning of ‘being happy’. Yuu had forgotten a lot of things. 

Sitting on the couch Yuu wrapped himself in the plaid more, trying to warm up as he was freezing. It wasn’t cold inside, but his body as weakened as it was, couldn’t store heat as a healthy person could do. Akira had noticed his shaking body despite wearing a heavy pullover as soon as Yuu had opened the door of the bathroom. He hadn’t needed to ask him the reason of his shivers since he went through the same, so once Yuu was sitting on the couch, Akira had grabbed the plaid he had in his bedroom and had wrapped it around Yuu’s body, earning a faint smile from his friend as a ‘thank you’. They had been talking since then – or rather Akira had been reassuring Yuu – Yuu playing nervously with his fingers under the plaid and rocking himself slightly back and forth, and Akira looking at his phone from time to time. 

“He will be here soon,” Akira told him, putting a hand on his shoulder. “How do you feel?” 

“Stressed. Scared. And at the same time I want him to be already here.” 

“It’s going to go well, don’t worry. And just as I’ve already told you, I can stay if it makes you feel better.” 

“No… Yutaka wants to see you, I can’t make you stay here.” 

“I’m sure if I explain the situation to him he will understand. It’s up to you,” He said caressing Yuu’s neck, trying to make him feel better and less stressed. 

“I’ll be fine, I’ll be fine,” Yuu repeated like a mantra and did everything he could to ignore Akira’s fingers on his skin. 

Minutes went by with the both of them sitting on the couch, Yuu repeating again and again that he was going to be all right and that nothing bad would happen, and Akira reassuring his every fear. Minutes went by in silence until the ringing of the intercom could be heard. With a smile, Akira walked to the entrance and pressed a button to open the door at the foot of the building then opened the front door a little before turning towards Yuu. 

“Ready?” Yuu didn’t answer and instead took a pillow in his arms and hid his face against it, rocking himself back and forth once again. “Yuu are you okay?” 

“I’ll be fine…” 

“Yuu, it’s only Kouyou. You know he’s not going to harm you, you have nothing to fear from him. I promise.” 

“I’ll be fine… I’ll be fine.” 

Akira sighed deeply. He wasn’t convinced Yuu would be fine, but nothing bad could happen while they would be together, right? He could leave him with Kouyou. Kouyou knew better how to reassure him, Kouyou knew better how to make him feel comfortable, Kouyou knew better how to make him smile. 

A knock on the door made him realize he had started to walk towards Yuu again. 

“Hey.” 

“Oh… Is everything all right Akira?” The look on Akira’s face was telling him that something had had to happen and it only made him worry more. 

“Yuu doesn’t want it and I was that close to tell you to go home,” Akira told him, half-closing the door behind him so that Yuu wouldn't hear them. 

“What happened?” 

“It’s obvious Kouyou, he’s scared! And I know how hard he’s trying not to be.” 

“Can I… Can I still see him?” Kouyou asked once Akira had told him what Yuu’s fears were about. It always was better to hear them in person than over the phone. 

“I think you will handle the situation better than me.” 

“You did a lot Akira and know that I’m grateful to you.” 

“I told you I couldn't let him on that road. One more thing Kouyou, he asked how we were doing since he left. He asked about Takanori too.” 

“You didn’t tell him, did you?” 

“Of course not! He doesn’t need to know it for now. Come.” 

Once inside, Akira noticed that Yuu was still hiding his face against the pillow. He was going to be fine, Kouyou was here now and everything would be all right for the both of them. They had been waiting for that moment for two years, but now none of them knew what to do. Yuu didn’t dare to move, and Kouyou couldn't stop himself from looking at him with a mix of joy and worry in his eyes. He was so close to him, a few steps and he could be able to take him in his arms, but at the same time it was as if they were thousands of miles apart. Just like they were at the very beginning. 

“I’ll go now,” Akira said smiling to Kouyou. “I’ll be back in about two hours, but if something happens call me.” 

Holding the pillow tighter in his arms, Yuu could hear them talk a bit more before Akira left the apartment, leaving them in complete silence. It was a bad idea, a really bad idea to have told him he wanted to see him, it was a bad idea to be alone with him here. What should he do? What would Kouyou do? Kouyou shouldn’t be here, Yuu shouldn’t be here. He was in a bad dream and would wake up soon and see Kouyou wasn’t in the same room as him. He would still feel terrified, but Kouyou wouldn’t be the reason of his fears. 

They weren’t talking, but Yuu could still hear some noises. Like the kitten going down from its cat scratcher, the noise keys were making inside a pocket, the scrapping noise of a chair as something was put on it, Kouyou’s jolly ‘hello little one’ which made the kitten purr, Kouyou slowly walking, Kouyou coming closer to him until he was sitting on the coffee table just in front of him. Yuu was shaking more and more, but he was still holding his pillow close to him not wanting to let Kouyou see a single part of skin and with the plaid still around his shoulders he was hoping it was hiding him enough. 

“Hello Yuu,” It was almost a whisper and Yuu would have dropped the pillow if he wasn’t that ashamed of his own body and reactions. “It has been a while.” 

Yuu had missed that voice, he had missed him so much, he had needed him so much while he was trapped in that house and here he was, terrified to look at the man he needed more than anyone else. It wasn’t his fault, if Kouyou knew all the things he’s done and said until today, Kouyou wouldn’t be sitting in front of him. Yuu wouldn’t even be in that apartment. Everything was happening too fast for him. It was as if yesterday was the day he had left that bloody house, and today he was in the same room as Kouyou. Yuu didn’t know what to do. What if he would do something wrong? Something that could anger Kouyou? Maybe not talking and not moving at all was already annoying him? Yuu was doing mistakes after mistakes, staying on that couch was just another one. 

“I won’t bite you, you know,” Kouyou said making his fingers ran on the back of Yuu’s hand, and saw him cringe when he touched his skin. “Come out of your hiding place, I just want to see you. Please?” 

Little by little, Kouyou's fingers were caressing his wrist then his arm covered by the plaid, making Yuu cringe each time he could feel Kouyou touch him. Little by little Yuu was feeling tears in his eyes, a lump in his throat and Kouyou's hands on the pillow. Little by little, Yuu started hyperventilating as he was doing everything he could to not let his tears fall on his cheeks. 

Kouyou knew where this situation would lead, he had already seen Yuu in that state before and at that time he hadn’t known what to do, he had only kept him in his arms and whispered soothing words. Without scaring him more, Kouyou sat next to him and managed to take the pillow from Yuu’s hands making him whimper with fear as he was repeating with difficulties several ‘no’, then put his arms around his skinny body and held him tightly against his chest. Yuu was struggling, Yuu was crying, Yuu was pleading to let him go with a harrowing voice, but Kouyou did none of what Yuu was asking. 

“Calm down please,” Kouyou said in a soothing but worried voice, caressing his back up and down. “I’m here, I’m here Yuu. Everything’s all right, I won’t hurt you. Calm down please, it’s over.” 

Kouyou repeated these words again and again making sure Yuu would believe them, and put his lips on Yuu’s hair from time to time. Kouyou had been well aware before coming here that Yuu would be scared, Akira had told him, but he had never imagined he would see him have another anxiety attack. In his arms, Yuu had done everything to make Kouyou let him go. He had pushed his arms away, he had hit his chest, he had tried to break free from his embrace, but no matter how hard Yuu had tried Kouyou had kept him against his chest. 

After a while when Yuu’s crying seemed to have calmed down a little, Kouyou was running his fingers through his black hair still whispering sweet words in his ear and sighed deeply with relief when he felt Yuu put his hands on his back and grabbed his pullover between his fingers. Yuu’s gesture made Kouyou hug him more and moved him to tears. He was holding him in his arms, after all this time they were finally together again and Kouyou couldn't believe it. He had waited too long for that moment, he had cried too many tears since Yuu’s departure, and now he could feel again his breath against his neck and his body shaking in his arms as he was sobbing silently. 

Without brusque movements, Kouyou moved back a little and with two fingers under his chin he made Yuu lift his head. Under the marks of tears, Kouyou could see the yellowish bruises that were still on Yuu’s face. Kouyou felt himself boiling with rage as he gently brushed a finger on his left cheekbone and under his closed eye. The ones on his face were the only bruises he could see but Kouyou was aware that there had to be others on the rest of his body. Yuu had seen hell, but now Kouyou would do everything to put a smile back on this beautiful face. 

“Open your eyes,” Kouyou told him erasing the tears on his cheeks with his thumbs, but Yuu shook his head. “Look at me please, I won’t vanish.” 

“It’s… It’s not that,” Yuu said taking Kouyou’s hands in his and lowered his head again. They were soft and warm, and Yuu loved the way Kouyou automatically intertwined their fingers together. It was real, wasn’t it? 

“Tell me.” 

“I’m disgusting…” 

“What kind of nonsense are you blabbering now,” Kouyou said with a smile before putting his lips on his forehead. “You’re not, believe me. You’ve always been beautiful to my eyes Yuu.” 

Yuu couldn’t tell if it was a lie or not, he couldn't tell if the kindness he could hear in Kouyou's voice was genuine or not. Akira had told him several times that Kouyou wouldn’t be disgusted by him, but what if he was wrong? None of them knew what had happened during these two years and Yuu hoped they never would. It was his secret, and his alone. 

_Look at me_ , he heard Kouyou whisper in his ear and it took him a few seconds before he obeyed and a few more before he lifted his head once again, tightening his hold on Kouyou's hands. The man in front of him wasn’t the one he had known in the hospital. Kouyou had changed, physically. Yuu was surprised to see a beautiful ginger colour on Kouyou’s hair instead of the chestnut-brown colour he’s been used to seeing before, shorter than he remembered, and a pair of black glasses on his nose. His eyes though were the same, Yuu could still see in them a tint of affection and the way Kouyou was looking at him right now hadn’t changed since the last time he had seen him. His smile was still as he remembered, a smile which could make him feel better, a smile which was making Yuu blush and look away in embarrassment. 

“Am I that hideous?” Kouyou asked him laughing, caressing his cheeks feeling him cringe. Once again. The anger Kouyou was feeling was rising each time Yuu was trying to avoid his hand. Kouyou would have given everything to have Yuu’s father beneath his hands right now. 

Yuu shook his head, Kouyou was far from being hideous. He had always made him feel comfortable and safe, but that was before. Yuu didn’t know now how he should feel with him or even behave. Maybe the way his body was reacting each time Kouyou was touching him was already annoying him? Yuu knew he had to trust him but like he had asked Akira how could he trust them when he couldn’t trust anyone again? Yuu was already trying hard to trust them, but some things never changed, some things were still ringing in his head like a broken record. 

Yuu had missed him so much and here he was, ruining everything by avoiding him and barely talking to him out of fear. Playing nervously with Kouyou's fingers, Yuu looked at Kouyou and was relieved to see his smile hadn’t left his lips. 

“You’re… You’re wearing glasses now?” 

“I do but it’s mostly for work,” Kouyou answered, his free hand slowly removing the plaid still wrapped around Yuu and was surprised to recognized Akira’s clothes. Obviously, Yuu wasn’t the right person right now to ask why he wasn’t wearing his own. “You know, it wasn’t my intention to scare you like that and make you cry.” 

“I’m sorry…” 

“Don’t be please, it’s all right. I’m just… You have no idea how happy it makes me to be with you again. I missed you so much, I thought I would never see you again.” 

Kouyou could see in his eyes how unsure Yuu was. He was still scared of Kouyou being that close to him again, but was doing nothing to put some distance between them. Yuu was rather asking silently for this closeness. Kouyou could feel it in the way he was holding his hands, in the way he was looking at him and trying to find his words, in the way he had cried in the crook of his neck. Yuu needed tenderness, love and time after what he’s been through and Kouyou would grant him all of these. 

Kouyou hadn’t been expecting Yuu’s next move. Still shaking slightly, Yuu laid his forehead against Kouyou's shoulder and shyly put his arms around Kouyou's waist. With a kiss in his hair, Kouyou gladly hugged him back with a smile. After all the tears, all the pain and all the nightmares they were finally together again. Kouyou was going to take care of him and nothing nor no one could make him break this promise. 

* * *

When Akira parked in front of the house, it was no surprise to him to see Yutaka come out at the same time. He had missed this sunshine, he had missed his countless smiles and his eyes sparkling with joy whenever Akira was near him. It has been two weeks since the last time they’ve spent time together and he hadn’t forgotten how depressed and then overjoyed Yutaka had sounded the last time they’d talked on the phone. Yutaka was a sensitive boy who needed reassurance thanks to past traumas and Akira couldn’t spend a single day without telling him how much he loved him and how proud of him he was. It has been two weeks, Akira was going to make up for it. 

“What are you doing outside? It’s freaking cold,” Akira asked him as Yutaka wasn’t wearing a coat nor slippers. 

“What? Can’t I welcome my boyfriend now?” His arms around Akira’s neck Yutaka kissed him, enjoying the sensation of his boyfriend’s arms embracing his body and his lips sucking his and then tickling his neck making him giggle. 

“You’re gonna catch a cold and that would be a shame,” Akira said before biting playfully his neck forcing a soft moan out of Yutaka's mouth. 

“Sure, you wouldn't be able to fuck me,” Yutaka grinned while he was leading him inside and as Akira was removing his coat and shoes, walked to the kitchen. “Wanna drink something?” 

“Nah thanks,” Akira answered coming into the living-room. There he saw a bunch of sheets of paper and opened books on the table. “I see you were busy, did I interrupt you?” 

“No don’t worry,” Yutaka told him when he came back from the kitchen, a soda can and a bag of crisps in his hands. “I’m working on these since dad left for work this morning and I need a break.” 

“Let me guess, maths?” 

“Bingo!” Yutaka exclaimed sitting on the couch before taking a sip of his can. 

“Why haven’t you called me?” He asked embracing him from behind and put a kiss on his cheek. “You know I can help you and I told you we would work on it.” 

“But Yuu’s still with you and he needs you, more than I do.” Yutaka rested his head on the back of the couch and lifted his eyes to Akira. “And by the way, why did you leave him alone in your apartment?” 

“He’s not alone,” Akira said, caressing his throat before sliding his hand under Yutaka’s wool pullover and bent down to kiss his lips, smiling when he felt one of Yutaka’s hands in his hair. He kissed him for a while until they had to break the kiss, out of breath. “Kouyou’s with him right now, they need to talk so I left them.” 

“Do you think,” Yutaka started, sitting correctly on the couch so that he could face him. “Do you think they can have another chance, just like us?” 

“I do, they both deserve it otherwise, why on earth was he in the middle of that road that night?” 

“Yuu’s lucky it was you who found him. He’s going to be all right now, right? I mean, if Kouyou is with him it will be just like before when we were all together.” 

“More or less. Yuu isn’t the same boy we used to know, but he’s gonna be fine with Kouyou. I trust him, he will find the right words to make Yuu feel better.” Akira said playing with a strand of Yutaka's hair, his eyes full of worry for his friends and full of love for the boy sitting in front of him. If the roles had been reversed, Akira didn’t know if he would have been able to endure everything that Kouyou had during these two years. Even though he had helped him, Akira knew that when he was alone at home, Kouyou had been crying more than once because of the pain and worry. “Anyway, break is over now babe.” 

“What?” 

“Break is over,” Akira repeated, a big grin on his lips. “Get your sweet little buns over here and let’s finish your homework.” 

Yutaka whined, pouted and looked at Akira with puppy-dog eyes, but to no avail. He walked to the table where Akira was already looking at a piece of paper, dragging his feet and sighed deeply once he was sitting on a chair. He didn’t want to do this, didn’t want to spend hours on exercises he wouldn’t understand once Akira would leave. He didn’t want to waste Akira’s time because he was too stupid to understand simple mathematical rules. He didn’t want Akira to think he was stupid, useless and not even able to pass an easy test. 

“Ohh I know this look, stop it right now.” 

“Stop what?” 

“You’re thinking you’re way too stupid for this and that you’re wasting my time,” Akira said taking one of Yutaka's hands in his. “You’re not baby. I’m helping you because I want to, and I will as long as you need it. No matter if it will take years, okay?” 

“I’m always failing this subject…” 

“And? There is no problem if you fail. At least you’re learning from your mistakes and I know how hard you’re working. Don’t feel ashamed because you haven’t the best marks.” 

Hearing these kind of words made Yutaka smile. He was right, failing a subject wasn’t something to be ashamed of, some people just had more difficulties than others and Yutaka should always keep that in mind. Even if it was making him feel bad, even if it was discouraging him, no one was perfect. He was in high school to learn, he had decided to continue his studies on his own and he would do it until the end. 

Akira took his time to look through his copies and explained him why he had made this or that mistake in an exercise. He also made him redo the test he had failed last week and once Yutaka was done, they both compared the answers with the correction. Akira noticed right away what Yutaka's problem was; equations and properties. Akira hadn’t been fond of those either when he was a high school student himself, but after half an hour and many explanations and examples Yutaka had understood most of it. 

“Can we stop it for good now?” Yutaka asked as he slumped on the table. Akira who was now sitting next to him laughed. 

“Of course, you deserved another break,” Akira answered caressing his back up and down before kissing his neck. 

Yutaka shivered when he felt his lips on his skin. His neck was a sensitive area and he loved when Akira was tickling that part of his body. He didn’t protest when teeth nipped the back of his neck and hands moved under his pullover. He didn’t protest when Akira ordered him gently to get up then made him sit on the table scattering the sheets of paper and books everywhere. He didn’t protest when Akira hold him tightly against his chest and kissed him lovingly. He didn’t protest when after many hot kisses and whispered sweet words he was moaning and panting, feeling the cold wooden table against his back. 

* * *

His smile hadn’t left his lips when he parked his car behind the building. This afternoon spent together had felt good for the both of them. Yutaka had felt more relax and had been smiling a lot after their little intercourse on the table, and had talked a lot with him. About his fears and worries concerning high school, and concerning Yuu. Would he be really all right? Would they be together again like they were in that hospital? When would he be able to see him? And so on. Yutaka was a different teenager when Akira was with him, a teenager who was opening up more and more with each passing days, letting Akira know more about himself and what his childhood had been like with a mother like his. A teenager who knew nothing bad would happen to him with Akira. Akira loved this boy so much that the simple thought of hurting him, knowing what he had had to endure as a kid, was making him sick to his stomach. 

Akira was still smiling when he entered the lift. He needed him by his side, wanted to wake up every morning beside him and be the last one he would see before falling asleep. One day maybe when Yutaka would graduate from high school, he would ask him to move in with him. One day he would be able to be with him as much as he wanted to, one day they would start thinking about their future and even maybe talk about having a family of their own. Akira would love that, but for the moment Yutaka was still too young to think about a happy family life. 

He couldn’t hear a single sound when he opened the door and walked inside his apartment. His first thought was that maybe they had both chickened out and had been sitting on each side of the couch without talking. How wrong he was. When he walked into the room, he was welcomed by Kouyou’s smile and surprised to see Yuu sitting really close to him, his legs over Kouyou's thighs and fingers tangling a strand of ginger hair, eyes closed and didn’t move when Akira came closer to the couch. 

“Is he asleep?” 

“Only dozing,” Kouyou answered, his left arm tightening the embrace around Yuu’s waist. “He cried a lot. It hurts to see him like that Akira.” 

“I know Kouyou, I know. Did you talk to him?” 

“Well, since you took your time,” Kouyou started with a grin on his lips. “We had plenty of time to talk.” 

“Don’t imagine things, I only helped Yutaka with his homeworks,” Akira said smiling. “But you, how are you feeling?” 

“Relieved. Relieved to know he’s not with him anymore and that I can stop asking myself what he’s enduring right now,” Kouyou said taking the hand that was playing with a strand of his hair in his. “His nightmare is over and I hope he will let me help him this time.” 

“Don’t need,” Yuu said all of a sudden, opening his eyes and blushed once he noticed in what position he was before sitting correctly with enough distance between them. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have talk.” 

“Yuu, no one forbids you to talk. You can say whatever you want with us, we won’t tell you what you can or can’t say.” Akira said as he was looking in a cupboard above the sink then added when he looked at them again. “You’re free you know?” 

“Sorry…” 

“It’s okay Yuu,” Kouyou told him taking his hands in his. “You don’t need to apologize.” 

Yuu nodded. It was hard for him to not apologize constantly when he had been doing it his whole life, it would be hard for him to believe he had done nothing wrong that deserved an apology. It would be hard for him to break the habit and be more confident in what he was saying or doing. The people around him didn’t mean any harm, he knew them and knew they weren’t that kind of person. Unless these two years had changed them in ways Yuu wouldn't like. 

“You’re staying for dinner Kouyou?” Akira asked, already starting to cook. 

“If it’s all right with you then yes.” 

“Of course it is, and I’m sure Yuu wants you to stay. Right Yuu?” 

Lowering his gaze, Yuu nodded shyly feeling his cheeks burn. Of course he wanted him to stay, even though Yuu was scared and didn’t know what to do, he wanted to stay with Kouyou. He had missed him so much and had hoped so many times to see him again that he couldn't think of leaving him again. Yuu was still feeling so guilty to have left the hospital and it wasn’t Kouyou's smile right now that would make him feel better. He had left him, he had hurt him and made him cry so much. 

“What’s wrong Yuu?” Kouyou asked seeing his eyes filled with tears, moving closer to Yuu. “Talk to me.” 

“It’s nothing… Don’t worry,” It wasn’t the right moment nor the right place to tell him how sorry he was. Yuu would though, one day when he would be ready to do it, but right now he couldn’t voice his feelings. They were stuck in his throat and making him feel nauseous. “Akira might need help, you should go…” 

Kouyou didn’t say anything. Akira didn’t need any help, but Kouyou knew he had said it just to be alone and if Yuu needed some time alone he would give him. They would take baby steps as Kouyou didn’t want to rush him, Yuu didn’t need to feel pressured to do things he didn’t want. 

Beside Akira, Kouyou watched Yuu silently who was now sitting the same way he had been when Kouyou came hours ago, and could see his body tremble. Kouyou wasn’t dumb, Yuu was crying once more or trying to not let his tears fall. _You’re here he’ll be fine_ , Akira told him and soon after they were talking about everything and nothing until dinner was ready. 

“It’s ready Yuu, are you coming?” Kouyou asked putting the plates on the table. Yuu didn’t answered and Kouyou thought that maybe he had fallen asleep again before Yuu stood up and walked as best as he could to the table. When he saw him trying to grab the back of the couch to keep his balance, Kouyou walked to him and offered him his hand. 

“I don’t need your help!” Yuu told him avoiding his gaze, sitting on the chair beside Akira. “I’m fine.” 

Kouyou opened his mouth to say something, but when he saw Akira shook his head with a finger on his lips and frowning, he instead sat down in front of his friend, still looking at Yuu worriedly. 

Yuu was looking at his full plate in front of him. He could feel Kouyou’s gaze burning him as he was talking with Akira, and could imagine all the questions he wanted to ask. ‘Why are you not eating?’, ‘Are you okay?’, ‘What’s bothering you?’ and others of the same kind which were making him feel bad and he forced himself to swallow something. Yuu had thought it would reassure Kouyou and Akira if he’d eat a little but it was so obvious he was forcing himself that seeing their worried expression had only made him feel more ashamed than he already was. He didn’t dare look at them nor talk to them. What’s the point if the only thing he would see in their eyes even though they would deny it would be disappointment? No matter how many times Akira had reassured him that they wouldn’t, no matter how many sweet words Kouyou had whispered in his ears hours ago, Yuu couldn’t believe their words right now. 

After dinner, they still talked together for almost two hours – or rather, Akira and Kouyou talked and tried to make Yuu join them – when Kouyou announced that it was time for him to leave since it was getting late for him. Yuu who had been sitting again on the couch for the past hour felt his stomach hurt when he realised what it would mean. If Kouyou was leaving now, when would be the next time he’d be able to see him? Yuu was scared, Yuu needed him and he had absolutely no will to let him leave alone. At the same time, Yuu was scared to death to leave that building. What if his father was hiding in a dark back alley, waiting for him to come out of the building? What would happen if he left that apartment? Yuu was safe here, right? Yuu had no reason to fear any danger if he was with Kouyou, right? 

“Yuu?” Kouyou called him. Yuu hadn’t realised that in the meantime Kouyou had walked to him and crouched in front of him. “I’m going back home and I was thinking maybe… Do you want to go with me?” 

“Yes,” Yuu answered without even knowing if he’d made the right decision. He wanted to leave with Kouyou because he didn’t want to be a burden for Akira anymore, who couldn’t even see Yutaka as much as he wished because of him. Akira had had to miss a few days of work because of him, he had had to say no to Yutaka because of him, he had been worrying because of him. Yuu said yes because he desperately wanted to be with Kouyou. 

“Get your things then,” Kouyou told him, a bright smile on his face, and helped him stand up. 

“He doesn’t have any,” Akira said before walking to his bedroom and came back a few seconds after with a sport bag. “Here, I put some clothes I don’t wear anymore, and other useful things. You can keep all of it Yuu, the bag and the shoes.” 

“What do you mean he hasn’t any?” Kouyou asked him as soon as they were alone, Yuu being at the doorway putting his shoes on. “Wasn’t he wearing his own clothes when you found him?” 

“You can’t call those clothes Kouyou,” Akira whispered so that Yuu wouldn’t hear him. “They were ripped and way too short for winter. They were not the kind of clothes a teenager of his age would wear, if you catch my drift.” 

“I see… Thanks for the bag.” Kouyou said sighing deeply in a way to keep his anger under control. 

“No need to thank me. I was supposed to throw them away months ago!” 

“Kouyou?” Yuu’s quiet voice made them turn around. “I’m ready.” 

“I suppose you don’t have one more coat,” Kouyou said to Akira when he noticed Yuu was only wearing a pair of faded jeans and a grey pullover whose sleeves were too long. He then added with a smile when his friend shook his head apologetically. “Take mine Yuu, I can do without it.” 

“Thank you,” Yuu let Kouyou help him put the coat on even though he could do it on his own. “And thank you too Akira. I’m… sorry if I’ve been a bother.” 

“You’ve never been Yuu, believe me. I was really happy to spend these two weeks with you, it’s good to have you back with us.” Yuu nodded, not knowing what to say. “Hey old man, take care of him now.” 

“Of course I will.” 

They left the apartment once Yuu had said ‘Bye bye’ to the kitten. 

* * *

They both got surprised by a gust of cold wind when they left the building and walked to Kouyou's car. There, he strapped Yuu’s seatbelt smiling at him whenever he caught his eyes, then put the bag in the back seat. He started the car soon after, making sure Yuu was hot enough. 

They stayed silent for a while. Kouyou was focused on the road and Yuu had laid his head against the window watching the landscape passing by, rubbing his eyes from time to time and trying to not yawn. The clock on the board was showing 10:47pm, Yuu was tired and the motions of the car weren’t helping him staying awake. He couldn’t fall asleep now, what would Kouyou think of him? Falling asleep when he hadn’t told him he could, he might not be pleased. 

“It’s a long road until we arrive. You can sleep if you’re tired, I’ll wake you up,” Kouyou told him when he stopped the car at a red light, caressing his cheek. 

“Won’t it bother you?” 

“Of course not! I won’t force you to stay awake. Sleep Yuu, you need it.” 

Yuu remembered his smile, Yuu remembered his hand tucking a strand of black hair behind his ear, Yuu remembered the car starting again and Kouyou turn up the heat before everything turned black. 

Yuu was still fast asleep when Kouyou parked the car in the garage half an hour after they left. Kouyou grabbed the bag on the back seat then stepped out of the car trying to not make too much noise, and walked to Yuu’s side before opening the door and crouched down in front of him. Yuu looked so peaceful asleep with a slight frown and his lips parted that Kouyou thought he maybe shouldn’t wake him up. So slowly, Kouyou undid the seatbelt and he was about to take him in his arms when Yuu moved in his sleep and opened his eyes soon after. 

“What are you doing?” Yuu mumbled, eyes cloudy with tiredness. “Where are we?” 

“Home Yuu. Come,” Kouyou told him with a gentle voice, bag slung over his shoulder, while stretching a hand out to him. A hand Yuu took without hesitation. 

He followed him to the lift and once inside, Yuu did everything he could to avoid looking at the mirror facing him. Yuu was still not used to seeing his gaunt face nor the faded bruises. They were here to make him remember the painful hours he had spent beneath his father's body as the man had been whispering how much he loved him, how much of a whore he was, and other lovely words Yuu could only believe. Yuu had been so used to hearing them since _that_ day that he certainly had to be everything his father's had been calling him until now. A whore. Weak. His precious little slut. A perfect replica of his mother. 

Kouyou noticed his unease quickly. His first reflex was to take him in his arms so Yuu wouldn’t have to face the mirror, and held him close to his chest, caressing his long black hair in an attempt to make him forget whatever he was thinking right now. The ascent to the eighth floor hadn’t been as silent as Kouyou had thought it would. Yuu had been repeating numerous ‘I’m sorry’s followed by words full of self-hate whispered with a voice full of pain, and no matter how much Kouyou had been telling him he was wrong, that he was none of what he was calling himself, Yuu hadn’t stopped to put himself down. 

Yuu was still whispering how sorry he was, like a mantra, when Kouyou brought him into his apartment. He didn’t know what he should do once Kouyou had removed his coat from his shoulders, so he stayed near the cupboard in the entrance in which Kouyou had put the coat and crossed his arms on his chest. 

“Maybe you’d like to go back to sleep,” Kouyou said when he noticed the way Yuu was blinking and rubbing his eyes. 

“No I’m fine. I don’t want to sleep.” 

“Are you sure? You look exhausted,” He told him cupping Yuu’s cheeks in his hands then added when he nodded. “Well, let me show you around then. What do you think?” 

“I… Yes.” 

The closest room from where they were standing was Kouyou's office, a room painted in an off-white and taupe colour. A white desk on which was laid a computer, a lamp as well as many pens and pencils in a pot was near a heater. A H-shaped shelve – white as well – was above the desk and included various books and photo material such as a few lenses and two cameras. Yuu could also see many colourful post-it notes on the edges of the shelve but couldn't see what was written on them. They obviously were notes for work. 

When he saw the kitchen, Yuu thought he had found Kouyou's favourite colour. The walls were painted in beige as the furniture were all in a taupe tone. The room was small, but it gave off a nice atmosphere. Yuu didn’t know why, but at that moment he remembered helping his mother bake muffins. Chocolate muffins, blueberry muffins and even coloured muffins with topping. It always had been a joyous moment when he was helping her as she let him lick the spoon full of batter. His mother was gifted in baking and she always would make a beautiful cake whenever it was his birthday. Yuu missed those little moments spent with her, he missed the loving glances, he missed her laugh, he missed feeling her arms around his body, he missed her soothing whispers after a nightmare. 

The living-room was slightly bigger than Akira’s, with beige walls, a grey corner couch facing a white coffee table with a round beige rug underneath, facing the balcony as well. An acoustic black guitar was laid in a corner of the room near the TV which was surrounded by shelves and photo frames. They were pictures of Kouyou with his sister, one was showing him hugging an older woman who looked like Akemi, and pictures of Kouyou with friends. Yuu noticed one was showing familiar faces. On this one, Yuu could see Akira and Yutaka hugging each other on a couch Yuu recognized as being Kouyou's, and Kouyou taking the picture. They were all smiling and looking so happy together. A thing piqued Yuu’s curiosity though, the pictures were recent ones. None of them were showing Kouyou or his sister as children. Maybe it was Kouyou's choice, maybe he hadn’t any childhood pictures, maybe he had put them in a photo album? Yuu didn’t dare asking the question ‘why’, Kouyou's choice was none of his business. 

The last room Kouyou showed him was the bathroom. It was a mix between turquoise and taupe, again. A simple bathroom with a bathtub, a rectangular mirror above the white sink, taupe furnitures on his right side as well as a small cupboard of the same colour and a washing machine. Yuu didn’t like bathrooms and especially not when these tiles looked like the ones he used to know as a child, not when painful memories were coming back to his mind when he was looking at the bathtub and the washing machine. Yuu didn’t want to remember, Yuu didn’t want Kouyou to ask him questions because of his shaking hands. Yuu wanted to forget everything he had been through even though it was difficult. He still had doubts, but he wanted to trust Akira, he wanted to trust Kouyou the same way he had in the hospital. It wasn’t easy when he couldn’t take his eyes off the bathtub. 

“You’ve been staring at it for the past two minutes. Do you want to take a bath?” 

“No I’m fine,” Yuu answered looking now at the floor. 

“I think it would be good for you. You’re frozen,” Kouyou said caressing his cheeks with his thumbs. “And you’ll sleep better after.” 

“Okay,” He said after a little while. 

As Kouyou was filling the bathtub, Yuu was waiting against the sink with his arms crossed and looking at him who was sitting on the edge of the tub. Kouyou was beautiful, Yuu couldn’t deny it. He was still smiling at him the way he remembered, he was still looking at him with those same sparks in his eyes. He couldn't believe it was real and yet they were in the same room again. Yuu could feel tears coming to his eyes, he wanted Kouyou to take him in his arms and tell him everything would be all right but he didn’t dare ask him. He didn’t want to be a bother, maybe Kouyou didn’t want to no matter how nice he was with him, maybe Kouyou had other things to do than taking care of him and filling a tub for him. 

“Is something wrong Yuu?” 

“No… Don’t worry,” He told him with a sad smile. His lips twitched, but he tried his best to not show him he was on the verge of crying. 

“You know you can talk to me if something is bothering you,” Kouyou said standing up. He then took out a big towel from the furniture he put atop of it. “I’ll let you alone now, call me if you need anything.” 

Yuu didn’t move when Kouyou closed the door behind him. Sighing deeply to not let his tears fall, Yuu slowly started to remove his clothes before getting into the tub and turned off the water once it had reached his chest. The water was hot, maybe a little too much, but it was making him feel more relax and a little sleepier. His head resting on his knees, Yuu was wondering what would happen now. How was he supposed to behave with Kouyou? Were they supposed to do as if nothing had happened? As if Yuu had never left the hospital with his father? 

Yuu wanted back the relationship they had in the hospital, a relationship that wasn’t making him sick, doubt or even question himself. He wanted the attention back, he wanted to spend time in his arms again and hear his voice lull him to sleep. But even though he was wishing for all of these, that same little voice was whispering to him that he would never have it back because of who he was today. No one would want him and it would take Kouyou little time to notice how disgusting Yuu was. That was the last thing Yuu wanted. Anyone could tell him he was disgusting, Yuu didn’t care, but it would devastate him if Kouyou would tell him those words. 

A knock on the door startled him and soon after Yuu could hear Kouyou's voice. 

“Is everything all right?” 

“Yes.” 

“I brought you a pyjama, can I come in?” 

“...Yes.” 

The first thing Kouyou saw when he opened the door was Yuu’s back, and the many scars on it. Some red, some white scarring his back from top to bottom as well as his shoulders. He remembered that night when he had been in confinement and Yuu had met him late in the night. Kouyou had felt them on his lower back as Yuu had been whispering that it was their secret now. How angry he had been that night… But it wasn’t anger he was feeling now. 

“I’m sorry you have to see this,” Yuu said looking over his shoulder. “It doesn’t look pretty, does it?” 

“It’s okay Yuu, it’s okay. I… I put your pyjama here,” He said as he laid it on the washing machine. Kouyou was about to leave the room when Yuu’s voice stopped him. 

“Could you stay? Please?” 

And with a smile on his lips Kouyou walked to the bathtub and sat on the edge, in front of him. However, his smile faded quickly when he saw a few bruises on Yuu’s body he hadn’t been able to hide with his arms. Yuu was looking at him clearly ashamed with cheeks tinted in pink and Kouyou doubted it was only because of the hot water. He was so cute like that, shy and blushing that Kouyou couldn’t help but tangled his fingers in Yuu’s hair and brought him closer to his chest as Yuu put willingly his wet arms around Kouyou's waist. 

Yuu held him tightly and said nothing when Kouyou started to caress his back with fingertips. Sitting naked in a bathtub with Kouyou hugging him was making him a little uncomfortable, but he wanted this. He wanted to feel his arms around his body, he wanted Kouyou to hold him tight and never let him go. Enjoy every little moments like this one as long as he could before Kouyou would learn the truth. Yuu wasn’t dumb, one day or another he would have to talk about these two years. For now Yuu wanted to keep the secret and believe Kouyou would stay the same. 

“They’re really long now,” Kouyou said after a while placing a lock behind his ear. 

“I tried to cut them, but I couldn’t.” 

“Both suits you. I won’t tell you what to do with your hair, it’s your choice.” Kouyou took his hands in his and put them on his thigh, giving Yuu another reassuring smile. “The only thing that’s bothering me are your bruises.” 

“You weren’t supposed to see them… I thought they would heal quickly. Just like the others.” 

“Akira didn’t give you something? They should have already healed since then.” 

“He’s never seen them,” Yuu admitted before hiding his chest with his arms and lowered his gaze. “I-I’ve never told him. No one was supposed to see them!” Yuu shouted, hiding now his face against his knees. 

“Someone would have seen them one day or another. It’s better me than a stranger, don’t you think so?” 

“You weren’t supposed to see them...” 

“Look at me,” He said with a gentle voice, and waited that Yuu lifts his head before continuing. “Your bruises, your body, nothing in you would disgust me. You changed physically, yes, but inside you’re still the same boy I got to know.” 

“But now–” 

“I wasn’t disgusted by you before, I’m not now and I certainly won’t be.” A hand cupping Yuu’s cheek, Kouyou leaned in for a kiss but stopped midway when he noticed what he was doing. “I… The water is getting cold, don’t stay too long.” 

Yuu was once again alone after these words, alone with his thoughts. What would have happened if Kouyou hadn’t stopped himself? Would he have let him kiss him or pushed him away? Would he have enjoyed it or would he have been terrified, as terrified he had been whenever his father had been touching him? A little part of him wished Kouyou had kissed him, while a greater part of his being was dreading to be intimate with him. The fear of Kouyou taking him in his arms had faded as the day had been passing by, but Yuu would need more time before they would take a step further in their relationship. 

A shiver ran down his spine telling him it was time to leave the bathtub. Yuu stood up slowly, trying to keep his balance then stretched his right leg over the edge and put it on the cold floor. He was about to completely get out of the tub, but lost his balance and slipped on the wet floor falling hard on his arms and knees. Yuu was in pain and was doing everything possible to not cry no matter how hurt he was. Why would he cry over this? He had been through so much more painful moments before, a fall like this one was nothing. It was nothing compared to what he had done to him for years. He had no reason to cry after that fall, and absolutely no reason to panic when he heard Kouyou knock on the door. 

“Are you all right? Yuu answer me, do you need help?” Yuu didn’t answer as he was trying to stand and grabbed the towel laid on the furniture before Kouyou came in. 

Yuu was still on the floor, half leaning on the furniture with one hand as he was trying to cover his hips as well as he could with the other, looking at the white tiles in embarrassment. He heard Kouyou quickly walk to him and crouch down, he felt him put his arms around his waist and under his shaking legs before whispering that he should hold the towel tightly, and stood up. Kouyou made him sit on the edge of the bathtub then crouched down once again taking Yuu’s shaking hands in his. His whole body was shaking, his lips were twitching and his breathing was irregular making him almost choke. 

_Don’t cry… Don’t cry… Don’t cry…_

“It’s okay to cry if you’re hurt Yuu,” Kouyou said, caressing his knuckles with his thumbs. “I won’t judge you.” 

Yuu shook his head and closed his eyes. He wouldn't cry again in front of him, Kouyou would be so annoyed to see his tears for the umpteenth time today, just like his father had been whenever Yuu had let them fall. Yuu didn’t want Kouyou to be angry at him, he didn’t want to hear him shout insults and other nice words, and he surely didn’t want to see in his eyes that spark of hate and disgust. 

“Look at me,” Kouyou told him and raised Yuu’s head as he opened his eyes. “We’re alone here, no one will laugh at you or call you names because you’re crying. Let it go sweetheart, you’ll feel better.” 

Yuu cried his pain on Kouyou's shoulder as he wrapped another towel around Yuu’s body to dry him a little. Kouyou was aware these tears weren’t only caused by his fall, but also by every little emotions he had bottled up until now. Yuu needed to release them and no matter how many times he would have to cry or even scream, Kouyou would be there for him. He would hold him close and whisper sweet nothings just as he was doing now. He would take care of him whether or not Yuu needed him, as he promised himself. 

“Can I take a look at where you hurt yourself?” Kouyou asked once Yuu had calmed down. When he nodded, Kouyou pulled the towel on his legs a little up, just above his knees and winced when he saw them. They were red, a little swollen and he could bet Yuu would have other bruises because of the fall. “Okay, let’s treat that.” 

Kouyou applied an ointment on his swollen knees, telling Yuu it wasn’t as bad as the pain could make him think. He tried to make him laugh and feel better by telling him an embarrassing memory of an accident he had had when he was a kid and felt proud of himself when Yuu chuckled softly. His story of how he failed to be Tarzan had most of the time made people laugh, Yuu was another name to put on his list of ‘People who laughed instead of feeling sorry’. 

Once it was done, Kouyou left the bathroom to let Yuu put on his clothes and walked to the kitchen where he turned the kettle on. He thought about working a little while waiting for Yuu but as it was getting late, Kouyou forgot that idea and instead grabbed a second mug for Yuu. The water was starting to boil when he heard the door of the bathroom shut and soon after Yuu was walking to the kitchen with hesitant steps. 

“Come and sit down, I don’t bite,” Kouyou said with a reassuring smile, then placed one of the mug in front of Yuu. “I made tea and thought you would want some. Careful, it’s still hot.” 

“Thank you.” 

They both drank their cup of tea silently, simply enjoying each other’s presence and their drink that was keeping them warm. Even if he had just left a hot bath, even if it was warm enough in Kouyou's apartment, Yuu was still feeling a little cold so that cup of tea was more than welcome. And as the minutes went by, it was more and more difficult for him to keep his eyes open. 

“Someone here is sleepy,” Kouyou's voice was a sweet melody to his ears, a melody he would love to listen to for hours. 

“I am not.” 

“Of course you are. Come, it’s time for you to sleep.” 

“I’ll sleep on the couch,” Yuu said standing up and started to walk to the living-room, but Kouyou stopped him by taking him by his wrist. 

“What are you saying? No one is sleeping on the couch tonight, unless you’re not comfortable enough to share the bed with me and I will gladly spend the night in the living-room then.” 

“It’s your bed. Yours,” He said rubbing his eyes and could barely keep them open. 

“Yuu, you’re here with me now. It’s your home too you know?” 

“But–” 

“Enough talking, you’re asleep on your feet.” 

Yuu was still struggling against tiredness when Kouyou took him in his arms and went up the stairs. He said nothing when he made him lie under the covers, said nothing when he told him with a kiss on his forehead to sleep, but as Kouyou was about to go back downstairs, Yuu heard himself ask him to stay before closing his eyes and falling asleep. 

When Kouyou joined him under the covers a few minutes after, he couldn’t help but shed a tear of happiness when Yuu hugged him in his sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaand here it is! They're together again, things are going to get better. Or not!
> 
> Once again thank you for reading this chapter and tell me what you thought about it! I would really appreciate it ♡
> 
> EDIT: Omg this is the longest chapter I've ever written!


	18. Chapter 18

It was quiet inside the apartment with only the ticking sound of the clock in the kitchen and Yuu’s little whimpers from time to time. Yuu was dreaming and that was reassuring Kouyou a lot. 

Kouyou woke up a few minutes ago when he felt Yuu snuggle more against him and put one of his arms around his waist, seeking more human warmth. He had thought at first that he was still sleeping and that Yuu was only a dream, a painful dream, but slowly the memories of the day before came back to him. He remembered how impatient he had felt when he had left the studio, how happiness had overwhelmed him once he was inside Akira’s apartment, how relieved he had been when he had taken Yuu in his arms for the first time in two years. He remembered Yuu’s tears and words in the lift, his shyness in the bathroom and how cute he had looked sleepy. Kouyou had no reason to doubt what he was seeing and feeling anymore. Yuu was with him and he was going to stay here for a long time. 

Kouyou smiled to himself as his left hand was resting on Yuu’s lower back caressing the skin underneath his top. How many nights had he been spending thinking about that day? How many hours had he been spending here making sure everything was right for Yuu to feel comfortable and welcomed? How many tears had he cried? How many nightmares had been torturing him? Kouyou was so happy he couldn’t help himself but hug Yuu a little harder making him whimper once again, and kissed his forehead as an excuse. If Kouyou could spend the rest of his life with Yuu in his arms, he certainly would. He had already lost him once. He was too scared to lose him a second time. It had been too painful. Kouyou didn’t want to feel so hurt again. 

Yuu turned over in his sleep, his back against Kouyou’s chest and his hands gripping the pillow, not feeling Kouyou intertwine his legs with his. Leaning on one hand, Kouyou let his fingers run on Yuu’s bare arm hoping it wouldn't wake him up. He looked so peaceful like that with parted lips and not a single trace of fear on his face. Kouyou remembered the fear in Yuu’s eyes and the long minutes during which he had whispered sweet nothings in his ear. These nights belonged to the past. Kouyou would make sure Yuu would never have to wake up scared and in tears. 

Taking a look at the alarm clock on the night stand behind him, Kouyou decided it was time for him to get up. He kissed Yuu’s temple carefully, paying attention to his reaction and smiled from ear to ear when Yuu hid his face in the pillow before he left the bed. And as he was taking his glasses with him, he noticed he had forgotten to light the fairy lights on the bed frame. Kouyou had put them here for a reason. It was still branded in his mind that Yuu was afraid of the dark and for a reason he ignored, Kouyou hadn’t thought about them yesterday. 

In the kitchen, Kouyou closed the door behind him so no noise would disrupt Yuu’s sleep. It was still early so waking him up at 08:37am on a Sunday morning would be quite cruel. Instead Kouyou took his time to prepare a good breakfast for them both even thought he didn’t know Yuu’s taste. Maybe Yuu would like better a more traditional breakfast instead of pancakes? _Who the hell doesn’t love pancakes?_ Kouyou thought as he was taking a box of eggs out of the fridge. His smile hadn’t left his lips a single second as he was preparing the batter. Yuu was upstairs sleeping snug in bed and safe, far away from his father's hands and poisonous words, as he was cooking. What more could he ask for? The only thing he had wanted was finally back to him. Kouyou was going to make sure he would fulfil his promise. Yuu wouldn’t have to doubt him anymore, not like that time he had told Akira he hated him for not keeping his promise. Kouyou would make him happy and love him just as he deserved it. 

It was as Akira and Akemi had told him. Yuu would come back to him, he just had to be patient and not lose hope. It had only been a matter of time. His sister had helped him so much until now, Kouyou was so grateful to her. She had been there for him during his teenager years, she had been there during times when he was destroying and hurting himself. Akemi had been the only one during these dark times, the only one to never judge him. The only one who really wanted to help him no matter how much time it would take. Kouyou was her priority and as long as he would need her, he would always be. 

He needed to call her, tell her what happen and let her now how happy he was. She wouldn't have to worry anymore. 

_“...Hello?”_ A sleepy voice answered as he put her on speaker. 

“It’s me sis. Were you still sleeping?” 

_“Shima… It’s not even nine yet,”_ She whined even though Kouyou could hear her get out of bed. _“Why are you calling? Is something wrong?”_

“Everything’s fine don’t worry, but you’ll never guess what happened!” 

_“What… You dyed your hair green?”_

“No, that’s your husband when he was younger.” 

_“Then what is it? It better has to be important young man, I’m not in the mood for riddles.”_

“Yuu’s back. He’s with me.” 

_“Seriously? How did it happen? You have to tell me!”_

“It’s a long story, but I met him yesterday at Akira’s and brought him back with me.” 

_“That’s amazing! I’m happy for you, I truly am Shima.”_

“Thank you. And with you, is everything alright?” 

_“Well, despite the fact that my beloved little brother woke me up and that I have troubles sleeping lately, yes. I just can’t wait for it to be over.”_

“I can’t wait too,” Kouyou chuckled. “I just wanted to tell you this, try to get some rest okay? And take care of you. Of both of you.” 

_“Don’t worry Shima. And you, take good care of your boyfriend.”_

Kouyou felt a little guilty when he hung up. If he had known Akemi had trouble sleeping, he would have waited longer before calling her. Akemi was expected to give birth next month and they were all worrying and pampering her as it would be their first child. Kouyou couldn’t wait to be an over-indulgent uncle and have this little baby in his arms. 

A few more minutes went by during which Kouyou had started to hum a melody, placing a plate full of pancakes with honey on the table, when he heard the door creak. 

“Morning,” Yuu greeted him rubbing his eyes before walking to Kouyou still with hesitation. 

“Good morning Yuu. Did I wake you up?” Yuu shook his head. “How did you sleep?” He asked brushing his knuckles on Yuu’s cheek. 

“I slept well. I… I had no nightmare.” 

“That’s great,” Kouyou said then put a kiss on his forehead. “I hope you’re hungry, I made pancakes! But if you want something else just tell me.” 

“I’m not hungry,” Sitting down on the same chair as yesterday, Yuu avoided Kouyou's eyes after his words. 

“Are you sure? You’ve barely eaten anything yesterday.” 

“It’s not time…” Kouyou noticed how his eyes full of worry were looking at the clock every few seconds and he wondered what could scare him so much. 

“What do you mean?” Kouyou crouched beside him and took one of his hands in his. 

“I can’t…” 

“Tell me when was the last time you had a proper meal.” 

“I don’t remember,” Yuu almost whispered these words before his stomach made a loud grumbling noise which brought red to his cheeks. 

“You’re hungry, eat something. Even if it’s just a little,” Kouyou told him with a smile then took a seat in front of him. 

Yuu was once again looking at the clock with still that same scared expression on his face. He then switched his attention to the pile of pancakes laid in the middle of the table. His bottom lip quivered at the sight and it was becoming harder for him to swallow. It was hurting Kouyou to see him like that, having an internal battle about whether or not he should grab one and eat it. Yuu had to eat. He was so thin, so frail Kouyou wondered how his legs could still support him. 

After a long moment during which Kouyou hadn’t stopped to encourage him, Yuu took a pancake in his trembling hands repeating again that it wasn’t time and ate it in a few bites. Yuu ate a second one and a third as he could feel tears stain his cheeks. He was choking on his tears and his throat was hurting him each time he swallowed. 

“Easy there sweetheart, take your time,” Kouyou said with a reassuring smile, but it quickly faded when he noticed how pale Yuu was suddenly as he was about to take a fourth pancake. “Are you okay?” 

“Where are your toilets?” 

“On your left when you leave the kitchen,” Kouyou didn’t have time to add something else that Yuu dashed out of the kitchen, then heard him throw up. Twice. 

Kouyou could hear his sobs and coughing as he stood up and walked to the toilets. Yuu was on his knees, his forehead pressed against the lowered toilet bowl and he was hugging his frail body with his arms. Kouyou crouched down behind him, his lips following a path from the beginning of his prominent spine to his right shoulder, telling him reassuring words between two kisses to calm him down. 

Yuu was ashamed. No one could deny that the fact that Kouyou had followed him wasn’t making things better. He hadn’t thought giving in would make himself sick, but he should have known. His body was too used to restrictions now, he would have to be careful so Kouyou wouldn’t have to see him in such a miserable state again. Yuu was already hating himself enough for who he was and what he had done in the past and to Kouyou as well. He didn’t want to see worry in his eyes again. 

Feeling Kouyou's lips on his skin, a part of him wanted to believe that Kouyou wasn’t judging him right now. That same part wanted to believe that, if he opens up to him now even just a little, Kouyou would accept him with opened arms and more reassuring words. He had to try, forget his fears for a few seconds and trust him wholeheartedly. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be,” Kouyou said caressing Yuu’s forearm. “Are you feeling better?” 

“A little… My throat burns.” 

“I’ll bring you a glass of water,” But as he was about to stand up he felt Yuu’s hands tense on his own. “What’s wrong?” 

“I… I couldn’t eat as much as I wanted. Nor when I wanted,” Yuu started and waited nervously for Kouyou's reaction, but he stayed silent. “He was the only one to decide. Sometimes when I had done something he didn’t like, he would only give me food after a few days.” 

None of them talked after this and Yuu was convinced he had just made a mistake. He shouldn't have said that. It was supposed to be a secret, – _their_ secret – Kouyou should never learn of. Yuu knew he had to eventually tell him everything. He hadn’t left his father's house only to stay forever mute. Kouyou had to know everything he had been through, but there were a few things that were preventing him from talking. Fear. Shame. Guilt. 

A long and deep sigh brought him back to reality. Kouyou pulled him closer to his chest and kissed his temple before whispering a few words in the crook of his neck. Words which erased Yuu’s fears for a small moment. 

“I’m proud of you.” 

* * *

The TV was on, blasting some music Yuu didn’t know, but he wasn’t paying attention to it. He was more focused on undoing the knot he had made with his too long sleeves, then did another one he undid right after it was done. It was making time go by more quickly as he was waiting for Kouyou to get out of the bathroom. 

Yuu hadn’t said a single word since what happened in the toilets. He had revealed a tiny bit of his past and didn’t know if it had been a good idea or not. Maybe it had been too soon, maybe it would take months before Yuu would say more, but Kouyou hadn’t forced him to say more nor had he judged him. Quite the contrary. Kouyou was proud of him and that was the only thing that mattered to Yuu right now. He couldn’t remember when was the last time someone had told him they were proud of him. Those kind of words were doing a lot of good to him after all the things he had heard. He could even still feel Kouyou's arms tight around his body and his breath tickle his neck. 

He knew Kouyou had tried to stay calm, he had felt it in how his hands had been tensed on his body and trembling with rage. He knew Kouyou had wanted to say other things, but that would have made him explode. Kouyou hated his father and deep down Yuu knew his hatred would only get worse the day he would know everything. Kouyou would want to see him dead. Was Yuu aware Kouyou had already punched his father? Of course yes, and it hadn’t been a pleasant moment for Yuu when he’d learnt about it. 

Whether it had been at the hospital or in his father's house, the man had always repeated how much Yuu was going to pay for Kouyou's action. As if it had been Yuu’s fault. Yuu had said nothing to his former roommates about what was going on each time his father came to see him, but his father had been convinced Yuu had, hence the punch. No matter how hard Yuu was trying to make him believe him, his father had made him see Hell every single time. Just like that time he had tried to leave that house, or that time Yuu had accidentally broken a plate. 

As this memory was once again making his hands shiver, Yuu wondered if he should do something like do the dishes or make the bed. Kouyou would certainly not react like his father, but what would he think of him when he would come out of the bathroom and see him on the couch doing nothing? Kouyou had told him to get comfortable while he would shower, but could he really wait for him while doing nothing? 

Determined, Yuu hobbled to the kitchen. Anxiety could be seen on his face when he saw the sink was empty and the table clean. What was he supposed to do now? He could still check upstairs if he had to make the bed, but Kouyou would come out of the bathroom by the time he would be halfway in the stairs, thanks to his legs. 

Deep in his anxious thoughts, Yuu didn’t hear Kouyou come out of the bathroom and walk to the kitchen. 

“Are you looking for something?” Kouyou asked making him jump. He noticed the worry in Yuu’s eyes, he noticed how his hands were slightly shaking as he had wrapped his arms around himself. “What’s wrong?” 

“I… I just wanted to help. Do something.” 

“I cleaned the kitchen when you were under the shower,” He said coming closer to Yuu then wrapped his arms around his waist. “Why are you looking so anxious, hm?” 

It took Yuu a few seconds before he answered, his forehead pressed against Kouyou's right shoulder and his hands on his back. “I have to do something, or you’ll think I’m just a lazy piece of shit who’s not even able to wash a plate.” 

“Would you please stop this? I told you to make yourself comfortable. If I wanted you to help me with chores I would have asked you. Did I?” He asked him caressing his neck with fingertips. 

“No.” 

“No need to worry then! Look at me,” Yuu raised his head, a little flushed. When was the last time he was so close to his lips? “You’re not my maid. Don’t feel obligated to do things you don’t want.” 

“What am I to you then?” The question crossed his lips before he could even think about it. 

“I thought you already knew it… I never was clear on my feelings back there, right?” Kouyou then cupped his face, caressing his cheeks with his thumbs, not leaving his eyes a single time. “You’re someone I want to protect. You’re someone I care deeply about. You’re someone I fell in love with.” 

Yuu didn’t know what to say. He had had so many questions about their relationship in the hospital and had been too scared to ask Kouyou. He didn’t even know why he had asked him that right now, but was not in the least disappointed by Kouyou's answer. He was _unsure_. What if Kouyou was lying? What if he was just playing with him, just like his father had always told him? _How_ could he love him? There was nothing loveable in him. He was only bones and bruises embellished with depression and self-hate. Yuu couldn’t understand it, but Kouyou couldn’t be lying. Not after the tears he had seen on his face the day he left the hospital. Not after the words he had told him in Akira’s apartment. Not after the many kisses he had already put on his skin. 

Yuu was lost. Lost in his fears and own feelings for Kouyou. If only his father hadn’t made him believe things during these two years, he certainly wouldn't have all these doubts today. How pathetic he was, not even able to trust Kouyou's words when he could see in his eyes how true they were. Kouyou was finally putting a name on their relationship and on his feelings for him, and Yuu was doing the only thing he knew how to do. Doubt him. Just like he had always done. 

His fists were clenched on Kouyou's shoulders, his head bowed as he didn’t want to show him how hard he was trying to not let his tears fall. Were they tears of happiness? Or tears of anger? Yuu didn’t know, he was feeling too many things at once. He was happy, but was feeling down. He was happy, but oh so angry. He was happy, but the way his father had shaped him was infuriating him. How was he supposed to live his own life if he couldn't prevent himself from wondering what his father would think about him if he was seeing what he was doing right now? What would Kouyou think and feel if he told him he wasn’t believing his words? Yuu didn’t want to see hurt in his eyes. He had promised to himself, one day hidden under that thin cover, that he would never hurt Kouyou again if there would come a day they would meet again. Yuu couldn't tell him this. Yuu couldn’t tell him how hard he was trying to trust him, but the memory of what his father had said and done was still branded in his mind and flesh. 

Kouyou had never thought his confession would make a mess in Yuu’s mind. It was clear as day that Yuu was struggling and Kouyou was aware that asking him what was wrong would only make it worse. Yuu was still so frail, he didn’t want to give him another breakdown. Yuu didn’t deserve to be hurt. He deserved to smile and be happy, so why was he crying? Kouyou hoped they were tears of joy, but who was he kidding? Yuu was far from being happy even though they were together again. Even though he was far from his father, and no matter how many times Kouyou would tell him how much he loved him it would take long and painful minutes to Yuu to dry his tears and believe him. 

His arms around his waist, Kouyou made him sit on the table and smiled to himself when he felt Yuu’s legs bring him closer. Kouyou kissed his forehead, his damped cheeks, his jaw and neck whispering many ‘I love you’s, ‘I’m here’s and other sweet words between two kisses. He didn’t know what was going to happen in the future, but he would do everything possible to make Yuu trust him and his feelings. He hadn’t spent two years working on himself to become someone better for Yuu only to see his efforts go to waste. Kouyou loved him so much. He had waited two years, he could wait a little more if Yuu needed time. Time to open up, time to forget his father's words, time to forget all the atrocities he had been through. And in the end, Yuu would get better. _They both would_. 

After a while and still kissing Yuu’s neck, Kouyou brought him back to the couch. He dried Yuu’s tears, kissed his face several times and was looking at him with so much love in his eyes it was making Yuu look away in embarrassment. Yuu wasn’t used to this. He didn’t know that kind of love, a love coming from someone else than his mother. And could he call what he had felt for Kouyou in the hospital ‘love’? Or had he fallen for him just because Kouyou had been taking care of him since the second night? And now, was Yuu sharing his feelings? Definitely. His eyes were maybe not showing the same sparks as Kouyou’s yet, but what he was feeling for this man was strong. 

“Kouyou?” 

“Hm?” 

“Akira told me you’re a photographer,” Yuu started, wanting to change the subject of their conversation. “Can I see some of your pictures?” 

“Of course,” Kouyou smiled then brushed Yuu’s lips with his thumb. “Wait here I’ll be right back.” 

When he came back Kouyou sat behind Yuu and put his laptop in front of Yuu’s crossed legs. He showed him pictures of a few old photoshoots. One of his favourite was one he had done in the middle of a forest in winter, one which had an elven theme. The models were wearing beautiful golden tiaras shining with the sun, as well as long pearly dresses. Kouyou remembered how frozen they all had been once the photoshoot was over, but he had loved working on that theme. Deep down, he hoped he could work with them again in the future, on some other fantastic themes. 

Kouyou showed him the most recent ones too, as he still had to edit them and thus showed him as well how he was doing it. When Yuu asked him if it was his fault he was late in the editing, Kouyou quickly reassured him that no it wasn’t. Kouyou just had no will at all to think about his job since yesterday. Since Yuu was with him. He wanted to take advantages of every little seconds he was able to take him in his arms and kiss him, before he would have to go to work again the next day. Would Yuu be alright alone? Should he take him with him? He didn’t want to leave him alone nor spend time away from him. Not now, not when they could spend as much time as they wanted together. Maybe it was a childish reaction, but after spending two years without being able to see him and worrying about him, Kouyou didn’t want to take the risk and leave him alone. What if he was dreaming? What if he would wake up and see an empty place beside him in the bed? But that couldn’t be true. Yuu was real. He could feel his stomach heave with each breath under his hand, smell his natural scent mixed with the lavender fragrance of his shower gel, hear the slight anxiety in his voice whenever he was asking him a question, see his rosy tinted cheeks and taste the skin of his neck. 

Yuu twitched, his cheeks bright red. Was that Kouyou's tongue? 

“I’m sorry, I should have asked before kissing you there like that.” 

“I’m okay… If it’s you I’m okay with it,” Yuu replied after a short while finding Kouyou's hand on his stomach and intertwined their fingers. 

Yuu would have to get used to all these marks of affection coming from Kouyou again. He would have to get used to feeling more than his lips on his skin, just like before. He would have to get used to it so that his body wouldn’t flinch again. Kouyou didn’t mean any harm, and Yuu knew it. 

* * *

It was the middle of the afternoon. They were both lying on the couch sharing a single plaid when a loud melody coming from the kitchen disturbed their sweet moment of silence, and Yuu who was slowly dozing off under Kouyou's caresses on his cheek. Whoever had decided to call him right now was making a huge mistake and if you’d ask Kouyou, they better have a good reason to call him on a Sunday. 

Apologizing to Yuu who was now fully awake, Kouyou walked to the kitchen, ready to roast the caller. 

Yuu sat correctly on the couch and rubbed his eyes when he heard Kouyou close the door of the kitchen behind him. That call seemed to be important as he was taking his time in there and he could hear him talk calmly, yet with some annoyance. Yuu guessed it had to be a work related conversation. Kouyou wouldn't hold him close to him before a little while so for now he had to distract his mind from the feeling of Kouyou's body against his own. 

Yuu laid his eyes on the black acoustic guitar in the corner of the room, just beside the window. He hadn’t noticed it yesterday when Kouyou had showed him around, and seeing it now laid on its tripod was bringing back memories. He had loved spending that little time with Kouyou teaching him how to play, he even remembered the drawing he had done that day, lost now. Yuu knew he should have given him instead of panicking, but it was never too late to draw Kouyou again, right? And this time he would give him and Kouyou would be happy. That’s the only thing Yuu wanted, Kouyou to be happy. 

His eyes still on the guitar, Yuu stood up after telling himself that Kouyou wouldn’t mind, and took the guitar with him back on the couch. The guitar neck was cold under his fingertips and he surprised himself when he perfectly played the three first chords of the melody Kouyou had taught him. Unfortunately, Yuu couldn’t remember what was coming after these chords and it was frustrating him. Instead, he let his fingers slide on the cords and carefully played even if it didn’t sound good. Yuu feared to break a string. What would Kouyou do? Yuu bet this guitar was important to Kouyou. Maybe it was a gift, maybe it belonged to someone dear to him. Maybe taking it with him on the couch was a bad idea after all. 

Lost in his thoughts, Yuu didn’t hear Kouyou come in the living-room again, and jumped with surprise when he felt two arms around his waist. 

“Sorry,” Kouyou said kissing his cheek. “I didn’t want to scare you.” 

“It’s nothing. Is… everything alright?” 

“Yeah, it was just my boss. My schedule for this week has been changed last minute and I’m not really happy with some changes.” 

“Because I’m here?” 

“What? No! Why would you think that?” Kouyou asked, tightening his arms around his body and buried his face in the crook of his neck. “I will have to work with a model I can’t stand. I wasn’t supposed to work with her again before next month. See? It’s not because of you. It never will.” 

“Sorry…” 

“Don’t be. Anyway, it’s still Sunday and I don’t want to talk about work,” After another kiss on Yuu’s cheek, Kouyou sat beside him. “What were you playing?” 

“Nothing, I was just trying. I played the melody you taught me first.” 

“You remembered?” Yuu could see how his eyes were sparkling with joy right now and the smile Kouyou had on his lips was making him feel strange in his stomach. 

“Just the beginning…” 

“That’s fine! Come here, I’ll teach you again.” 

Kouyou made him sit on his lap and couldn't help himself but kissed the back of his neck when he removed his raven hair that were in his way. As he had done in the hospital, he told him to watch his fingers while he would be playing and then try to do the same. And as Yuu was playing, Kouyou's lips found his skin many times and he enjoyed feeling him shiver after each kiss. Kouyou wasn’t doing more, he didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable because he was a little too cuddly and even though Yuu wasn’t saying it or showing it, Kouyou was aware it was hard for him to get used to those marks of affection. Yuu was used to violence. Kouyou was going to change that. 

When Yuu mastered the melody, Kouyou proposed teaching him another one since not a single string was missing on his guitar. This one was a little faster and Yuu had a few troubles with the succession of some chords, but after many tries and with Kouyou's encouragement Yuu managed to play it without making big mistakes. 

“You’re a quick learner,” Kouyou told him when Yuu stopped playing. 

“Not always. Playing the guitar is easy for me compared to the piano,” Yuu said, trying to hide his sad smile. 

“You told me your mother tried to teach you. Was she a music teacher?” 

“Yes… She was teaching in a secondary school. The piano was her favourite instrument, she wanted to share her passion with me but…” 

“It was too hard for you.” Kouyou finished his sentence knowing his mother had always been a sore point. He could feel his pain in the way he was smiling and playing nervously with the hem of his pullover. Speaking about her was still too difficult for Yuu, and Kouyou had so many questions. From what did she die? How was she as a mother? Since how long Yuu had to live without her? 

A few minutes went by like that, in silence, with Kouyou caressing one of Yuu’s hands hoping he would understand what he wanted to convey through that gesture. _I’m here if you want to talk_. Yuu had so many things to get off his chest, more than Kouyou could imagine, more than just the past two years. He just had to open his mouth and talk freely, but he couldn't. 

Kouyou watched him with worry in his eyes walking to the window without a word. If Yuu wanted some time alone, he would gladly give him. Except that his body reacted faster than his mind when he saw Yuu wipe his cheek with his sleeve. His body was shaking so much against his chest, his hands were gripped on his arms so tightly Kouyou could see his fingers turn to white, and the reflection of his face was a heartbreaking sight. Between two harrowing sobs, Yuu tried to tell him how sorry he was for crying again, but Kouyou hushed him and pampered him with dozen of kisses. Yuu needed to let his grief go, it was killing him from the inside and no matter how much time had already passed, the aching pain would always remind him everything he had lost. Not only his mother and her love and protection, his innocence and future too. He had lost the only person who had been caring enough about him to sacrifice everything for him, and as a child Yuu hadn’t noticed it. Now she was gone and she had taken a piece of Yuu with her. 

Yuu was still crying his heart out when he felt Kouyou turning him around. He instinctively hid his face in his hands, ashamed of the poor mess he was right now. His mother had been and will always be a sore point and he had thought Kouyou knew it. It wasn’t the first time Kouyou could see him in such a state because they mentioned his mother in a conversation, but this time it was Yuu himself who did it. He needed to talk about her no matter how painful it was because he was scared he would forget her otherwise. He wanted to talk about her, but that would mean he would have to talk about his father too and Yuu couldn’t do it. 

“Look at me sweetheart. Take deep breaths and breathe in, and out. Just breathe. I’m here, you’ll be alright,” Kouyou whispered wiping Yuu’s tears, his forehead pressed against his own. 

“I… I miss her so much… I never…” 

“Shhh,” Kouyou hushed him once again before putting a kiss on his forehead. “Breathe.” 

It was so painful to see him so hurt. What else could Kouyou do to make him feel better? He could bring him to his mother’s grave – Kouyou didn’t care about the distance as long as it would make him smile again – but he doubted Yuu was comfortable leaving the apartment. Making him talk about her was a no even if he would feel better once he’d have get everything off his chest. Kouyou hated this. He hated feeling as if he couldn’t help Yuu in his distress, he hated seeing his red eyes full of sorrow. He hated feeling his body shake with each sob. He hated feeling so useless. 

His arms tightened around his body as he was whispering sweet words in his ears and rocking him back and forth. The gesture seemed to calm him down and once Yuu’s breathing was back to normal, Kouyou brought him back to the couch, handing him a pack of tissues. Sitting on the coffee table after he had put the guitar back on the tripod, Kouyou kept his hands on Yuu’s knees brushing them with his thumbs but it seemed like Yuu wasn’t feeling the caresses. He was exhausted from crying so much, ashamed of showing once again that weak part of himself. Yuu was feeling empty and he hated that. 

“Do you feel better?” Kouyou asked after a while, smiling to him. 

“Not really,” He answered with a hoarse voice. “I’m so sorry for… this,” Yuu pointed at himself and at the pack of tissues opened on his lap. What a pitiful sight he was showing to Kouyou. _Again_. 

“It’s okay sweetheart, you needed it. I already told you I won’t judge you if you cry. I understand your pain and you don’t have to be ashamed of showing me you’re hurt.” 

“How can you say that? You can’t understand, you still have your mother…” Yuu regretted his words right away when he saw Kouyou's smile. 

“Yes that’s true, but I lost someone I loved just as much as her. Believe me when I say I can understand what you feel. This pain is eating you from the inside, and you feel so angry it’s making you do things you regret afterwards.” 

Yuu couldn't say about whom he was talking, but he was right. “I’m sorry…” 

“You couldn’t know, don’t worry,” Kouyou reassured him with a smile then caressed his cheek. “Hey, look at me. Your mother's still with you, here,” Kouyou put his hand where Yuu’s heart was. “As long as you remember her, she always will be with you.” 

Yuu nodded resting his hand on Kouyou's. “Do you have paper and a pencil? I want to show you how she looked like.” 

“I knew I forgot something!” Kouyou exclaimed realising he had indeed forgotten that important thing and left the living-room without saying more. When he came back, Yuu was surprised to see in his hands a package wrapped in a beautiful paper alike to a starry night sky. “That’s for you. I saw it a few months ago and thought you would like it. Open it!” Kouyou looked so excited it stretched Yuu’s lips in a smile. 

Keeping the package on his lap, Yuu started to carefully remove the paper. It was a beautiful wrapping paper, it would be a shame to rip it to pieces and not be able to use it again in the future. The package was a see-through box which contained a sketchbook, few different pencils and coloured pencils, a wooden manikin as well as an off-white envelope with his name written in a western style. A few questions popped into Yuu’s mind. Why did Kouyou write him a letter? Should he read it now? Was there another reason for this gift? How should he thank him? Why did he spend money for him? 

Kouyou felt joy overwhelm him when he saw Yuu’s marvelling eyes and heard him chuckle nervously. But that didn’t last long. 

“You seem troubled by something, you don’t like it?” 

“I do, I really do, but… For what reason?” 

“Do I need one to please you?” Kouyou asked sitting next to him and wrapped his arms around his waist. 

“I don’t know.” 

“I want to make you happy Yuu. I remembered you liked to draw when we were still there and it made me think about you when I saw all these stuff, so I bought them and hoped I would be able to give this present to you one day. I have no ulterior motive when I do this.” Had Yuu been used to making something in return for his father? Was that why he looked so troubled by his gift? In no way would Kouyou do this expecting something in return from him. He wanted to make him happy, pamper him and treat him like Yuu deserved. 

“I really like your gift. I’m happy you remembered,” With his hands shaking slightly, Yuu put one on Kouyou's right cheek and kissed the other. “Thank you.” 

“You’re welcome sweetheart,” Kouyou didn’t miss the red on his cheeks after his kiss, nor the sparkles in his eyes. That was new, and Kouyou loved seeing them shine like that. “And about that drawing, are you going to show me?” 

“Sure, give me some time.” 

From what he had already seen Kouyou knew Yuu was skilled in drawing, but he had never thought he would be able to draw such a realistic portrait. Yuu looked just like his mother. The woman on the paper was beautiful and had a bright smile. Kouyou thought to himself how nice it would be to see that same smile on Yuu’s face. He would one day, though. They both just needed time and trust each other. 

“That’s how I remember her,” Yuu said once he was over with the drawing. “I’ve rarely seen her cry, she was always smiling at me.” 

“She’s beautiful,” Kouyou said running his fingers through his long hair. “You look like her, you have her beauty.” 

“That’s what he’s told me each night.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Nothing… Can I rest a little before dinner? I feel exhausted.” 

“Of course you can, you don’t have to ask me. Go rest, and if you need something I’ll be in my study.” 

Yuu nodded before heading to their bedroom. Kouyou watched him with worry as he knew Yuu would barely rest, it only was an excuse to hide his tears from him. 

* * *

They were making small talks when Yuu asked him when he was going to start work the next day. Kouyou didn’t really like the idea of leaving him alone a whole day with his current state of mind, but he had nothing to fear. Yuu was safe in their apartment, no one other than Akira – and Kouyou could bet Yutaka too – and himself knew where he was. He didn’t have to fear seeing his father at the other side of the front door, and it weren’t Yuu’s faint smiles that were reassuring him. 

“Yuu, are you sure you’re gonna be okay alone tomorrow?” He asked him for the umpteenth time, watching him eat with no rush. 

“I told you I’m used to it, don’t worry about me.” 

“I will worry about you if I want,” Kouyou grinned, caressing the back of his hand laid on the table. “I’m really sorry I can’t take you with me.” 

“Kouyou it’s okay, really. I would have bothered you anyway.” 

“Please stop saying this, you know it’s not true. Look, I’ll let you my phone and if something happen or if you don’t feel well, call ‘work’ okay?” 

“You could have told me this tomorrow.” 

“And wake you up? No way!” 

“But… What if I’m disturbing you in the middle of a photoshoot?” 

“I’ll take the call. You’re my priority.” 

“But–” 

“Promise me you will call me.” 

“I promise…” 

Yuu didn’t like that Kouyou was putting him before his job, just as he hadn’t liked when Akira had stayed at home to take care of him. They had jobs and responsibilities, he was less important so why were they caring so much? If only he knew how wrong he was to belittle himself like that. He was so much more than what he was calling himself, so much more than what his father had turned him into. 

They ended dinner in silence. Kouyou was worrying about Yuu as he had noticed the change in his expression, and Yuu was trying hard to not break down once again. He had cried too much today and a part of himself was whispering in his ear it wouldn’t last long until Kouyou would be fed up with his crying. Kouyou was maybe smiling and nice with him, but in a few days he would be another man. One that Yuu knew too well. That was what he was thinking, and fearing no matter how many times he had told himself he would never lay a hand on him. Kouyou fell in love with him. Kouyou had always cared about him. Kouyou had always wanted to protect him, Yuu needed to stop letting his doubts and fears rule his life. 

Once the washing-up was done, Kouyou watched him leave the kitchen with two cups of tea in his hands thinking how lucky he was to share little domestic moments like that with him, and felt weak in the knees when Yuu turned around with a shy smile on his lips. 

“Could you play something for me please?” 

It was a simple question, and Kouyou fell hard for that boy again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you read it on tumblr, you know a kiss scene was tempting me for this chapter. You will have to wait a little more for this since I will stick to what I had originally planned ;)
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and liking this chapter! Please, share your thoughts with me I love reading your reactions hehe.
> 
> And, uni starts again tomorrow for me (spoiler: I'm not mentally ready) so updates between two chapters are going to be slow again... 
> 
> Take care of yourselves and see you hopefully soon! ♡


	19. Chapter 19

Kouyou woke up five minutes before the alarm clock rings. As the day before, he found Yuu still sleeping soundly, his frail body pressed against his own. Kouyou took advantages of these five minutes to cuddle him, make his hands run up and down his back and under his top, kiss him and look at his sleeping face lightened by the fairy lights. 

Last night before they went to bed, he had played a few melodies for him just as Yuu had asked, enjoying feeling him so close, head laid on his shoulder and arms around his waist. Kouyou hadn’t held himself back from kissing his face and making his fingers run on his skin more than once – once he had stopped playing – making Yuu jump each time he was touching his ribs. The kisses on his neck and shoulders hadn’t stopped when Kouyou brought them in their bedroom, Yuu’s legs tightly wrapped around his waist. Kouyou remembered the blush on his cheeks, his parted lips and the beautiful purple mark at the juncture of his neck. 

Kouyou got out of bed taking care not to wake him up, and went to the kitchen for a quick breakfast – a cup of coffee and an apple – then headed to the bathroom. Fresh and clean and his material ready, he noticed he still had time before leaving so naturally he went back upstairs. He knew he shouldn’t and instead leave right away as it would be hard for him to leave after, but how could he resist to such a cute sleeping face? Kouyou was addicted to that boy, it was becoming harder and harder for him after these two years without Yuu to be away from him, to not pamper him with kisses and hugs. 

Yuu was lying on his back, a few raven strands were across his face and one of his hands was resting on his belly. The cover had slid till his waist and as Kouyou sat down on the edge of the bed, he pulled the cover back over his body. His lips found his neck once again as he took his hand in his, intertwining their fingers together. Kouyou was watching him sleep with adoration in his eyes, and he cracked a smile when Yuu stirred and slowly woke up. 

“Are you already leaving?” He asked, rubbing his eyes. 

“Soon, I wanted to spend some time with you before,” Kouyou said still leaning over him, his thumb caressing his cheek. “I didn’t want to wake you up.” 

“What time is it?” Yuu wrapped his arms around Kouyou's shoulders before sitting correctly on the mattress. In no time, he was on his lap, his face hidden in the crook of his neck and sighed with pleasure. 

“Half past seven. You can sleep longer if you want,” Yuu hummed and hugged him tighter, closing his eyes as he could feel Kouyou's hands moving on his lower back, barely touching his skin underneath his top. “I left my phone on the kitchen table, don’t hesitate to call if you need anything, okay?” 

“When will you be back?” 

“Around five or six. I’ll call you during my break, don’t worry.” 

“Okay.” 

They spent some more time cuddling – Kouyou even felt Yuu put his lips on his throat a few times – before Kouyou saw it was time to go. He made Yuu lay back, whispering against his lips that he should go back to sleep as their eyes met, and when Yuu was slowly drifting off, he told him how much he loved him. He didn’t know if Yuu had heard him or not, but it didn’t matter right now. Kouyou hadn’t forgotten how Yuu was when he was sleepy and the way he had felt him press his body more against his and his lips kiss his skin more than once was enough for him. 

Kouyou turned around at the stairs to have one last glance at his boyfriend and smiled when he noticed Yuu was sleeping on Kouyou's side of the bed, reassured by his scent. 

* * *

It felt like he had slept for years when Yuu opened his eyes. His body was relaxed, his mind was still a little foggy and for just one second he had the feeling he had dreamt. But that was impossible. Yuu hadn’t had a beautiful dream in years. They always were nightmares, or memories. Painful memories. Like the day his mother died, like the day his father had told him where his new bedroom was, or even like the day he thought he was going to die at their hands. This time was different and for once fear hadn’t been the first thing he had felt when he’d opened his eyes. Yuu even surprised himself to feel a smile as he stretched in the bed. 

Yuu suddenly sat up straight looking around him, his heart pounding furiously in his chest. It was so quiet in the apartment that for a moment, his disturbed mind was convinced he was still in his father's home. Yuu was attentive to the faintest suspicious noise that could show him he was still there, but when his gaze fell on the fairy lights hung on the bed frame he let out a sigh of relief. How could he have thought he was still there when the memories of Kouyou's teeth on his neck and hands caressing his body under his top were becoming clearer now? Saying he hadn’t liked Kouyou's treatment would be one of the greatest lie he’s ever told. Yuu had loved feeling his lips on his skin, he had loved keeping him between his legs as he was lying on his back squirming under Kouyou's touches, his hands grasped in Kouyou's hair and on his thigh. He had loved how Kouyou had worshipped his body without crossing a single time any of his boundaries, and the gleam in his eyes when he had stopped himself from going further knowing Yuu wasn’t ready nor comfortable to take the next step in their relationship. 

And Yuu had felt it. He had felt Kouyou wanted to do more. Yuu had felt it in the way Kouyou had pinned him down and marked his neck. The way he had gasped whenever Yuu had brought him closer, and closer. _And closer_. 

Yuu was feeling guilty once more. Guilty to not be able to give Kouyou what he wanted. Yuu wasn’t blind, nor stupid. Kouyou wanted him just like he had in the middle of _that_ night when he had touched him differently than the previous nights. Kouyou wanted him, but wasn’t making the first step just because of him. Just because Yuu was scared and traumatized. Maybe he could just suck it up and let Kouyou do what he wanted, hoping his body wouldn't betray him. It’s not like he wasn’t used to lying on his back or stomach and stay passive. Kouyou would just be another ‘dad’. 

Realising what he was thinking, Yuu slapped himself. How could he… Yuu was well aware that Kouyou was different from his father. How could he think he would take advantages of him? Since they were together again, Kouyou had never done one wrong gesture nor had he said something to willingly hurt him. If he had – in Kouyou's own opinion – he had apologised right away. Kouyou was not and would never be his father. 

A chill ran down his spine when he removed the cover and sat on the edge of the mattress. His feet were frozen just as his hands were. Yuu hated feeling so cold in the morning, thanks to his underweight body. To catch a cold wasn’t really what he wanted right now. If he would fall sick again, he knew Kouyou would stay with him until he would feel better again and Yuu didn’t want that. Kouyou didn’t have to worry and stay by his side the day it would happen. Yuu was used to staying alone, but more importantly Yuu didn’t want to repeat the scene at Akira’s place when he had had a fever. He couldn't exactly remember what he had told him, but the shame was still clear in his mind. 

Yuu was careful in the stairs as his legs were still hurting him since the fall in the bathroom and tumbling down the stairs wouldn't be a good start for the day. Yuu wanted to keep the moment he had shared this morning with Kouyou as his good start. And maybe, if Kouyou wouldn’t be against it and Yuu less shy and more comfortable, maybe they could repeat it on other mornings. 

It was quite familiar to Yuu to only hear the ticking sound of the clock when he stepped inside the kitchen. It was like that too for most of the mornings when he was still living in Mie, and his father was on his morning shift. Yuu would stay in the kitchen, sitting on the worktop with a croissant in his hands and just enjoy the silence surrounding him, before throwing his meagre breakfast in the bin and getting ready for high school. It was a soothing tranquillity, but at the same time it was making his memories louder in his head. His screams would make him deaf, his pleading would make his body tremble with fear of seeing his father coming home early, too eager to repeat the atrocities of the night before, too eager to break him more. 

But this kitchen was different. He had nothing to fear. His father wouldn't come home earlier, he wouldn't have to answer his every question, wouldn't have to obediently remove his clothes and he surely wouldn't have to lean on the table or against the fridge. He was safe here. He was with Kouyou and nothing bad would happen to him as long as he would stay with Kouyou. Kouyou had told him he had fallen in love with him, why would he hurt him? 

Walking closer to the table, he noticed that Kouyou's phone was indeed on the table, just like he’s said, but Yuu hadn’t expected to see a note underneath it. 

_Good morning beautiful! Use it if you need anything, or just want to talk. ‘work’, remember? I’ll call you soon! – Kouyou ♡_

Yuu read it a couple of time, tracing with his forefinger the heart Kouyou had drawn just beside his name. He could feel his cheeks burn as he was imagining Kouyou calling him ‘beautiful’ and other pet names in person, and Yuu being shy and embarrassed would only hide his face in Kouyou's chest, hugging him tightly in the process. It was just a piece of paper, but Kouyou was already making him feel like a 13 years old teenager having his first crush. It was close to reality though. Yuu hadn’t have the strength nor possibility to fall in love before. Not with his father abusing him and playing the perfect father in the neighbourhood. Not with the many suicide attempts he had failed. Yuu could say Kouyou was his first crush, the first man he had fallen in love with, and _oh_ … how deep in love he was. Despite his fears, despite the memories of his father’s words and deeds, Yuu loved Kouyou wholeheartedly. 

Yuu had lost count of how many times he had cried thinking about him, how many times he had been dreaming about him and how many times he’d seen his face behind his closed eyes whenever his father had been playing with him. Yuu had never thought he would see him again, not even when he had decided to leave this hell. Being found by Akira on that road had been a happy coincidence. Yuu remembered how cold it had been that night, how exhausted he had been. He remembered hearing a voice in the middle of the road asking him if he needed help before everything turned to black around him. How lucky he had been that night to be found by a friend instead of a complete stranger. Who knows what would have happened to him. 

His stomach brought him back to reality as he was still tracing the heart on the paper. He was hungry, and a quick glance at the clock showed him that the time at which he was allowed to eat had long passed. He would have waited long hours before being able to eat, but that was before. Now, no one was there to dictate how he should behave, when he should eat, sleep or breathe. He was home and Kouyou would be more than happy if he would do just as he said. Make himself at home. 

Looking through the different cupboards in order to find a mug and where Kouyou was keeping the teabags took him a long, long time. Even though he wanted to make himself a decent breakfast, Yuu could still feel that fear in his stomach telling him to not touch a thing and wait until Kouyou would give him the permission to eat. He tried hard to put all these thoughts aside and just do what he wanted. For once in a very long time, he was free of his movements. He could trust Kouyou, things were going to change for him now. 

Yuu was proud to see all the things he had put on the table, even though he knew he wasn’t going to eat them all. It was more a way to encourage himself, to take that first step in healing and make Kouyou proud of him again. He had loved feeling those little butterflies when he’d told him how proud he was. Yuu wanted to feel them again, show him he wasn’t the piece of trash, the slut his father hadn’t stopped calling him. 

“Keep it. Please keep it,” He said to himself as he was eating his bowl of cereals, slowly so as not to make himself sick again. “Eat, and keep it. You can do it.” 

Half an hour later, Yuu had emptied the bowl, his cup of tea and a half glass of orange juice. He was feeling nauseous, but it wasn’t as bad as the day before. He wouldn't throw up. He wouldn't feel ashamed. 

He took his time to clean the mess on the table and wash the dishes before going to the bathroom to take a hot shower. The hot water relaxed his sore body. It was making him feel so good that Yuu stayed under the water more than he had planned, and hoped Kouyou wouldn’t mind. But what Kouyou wouldn’t know wouldn’t hurt Yuu, right? When he stepped out of the bathtub, he was more careful this time and didn’t slide on the floor thanks to the towel he had put on it. He put his clothes on quickly – faded black jeans with a navy blue pullover with a 1-up mushroom on the front – then dried his hair. Once Yuu was over in the bathroom, he went back upstairs and made the bed. Kouyou wouldn't think of him as someone useless, a piece of crap. 

In the corner of the room, he noticed the see-through box Kouyou had given him the day before, and the letter. Sitting on the bed with the box opened on his lap, Yuu felt anxious. What was he going to read in that letter? And why did Kouyou write him one? They both hadn’t know they would be together again, had Kouyou thought he would be able to send it to him? Yuu opened the off-white envelope with shaky hands. He didn’t dare to read it, but curiosity took over his anguish. 

_“My dear Yuu,_

_I don’t know where to start. I don’t even know why I decided to write that letter. Almost a year has passed since you left, and I miss you more and more with each passing days. How are you? Are you crying? Are you somewhere safe? I doubt you are, but I keep that little spark of hope that you managed to get away from him. You deserve so much better. We’re all missing you. So much. It has been a real shock for us. All of us. I had hoped, for days, that it only was a bad dream, that you would still be sleeping in my arms once I would wake up. But it was real. You were gone._

_I’m feeling better now. I mean, I’m not as sick as you used to know me anymore. Your absence still pains me dearly. Where are you? Come back to me, I need you. I need to know you’re safe. I need to know you’re happy. I need you with me._

_I hope the day we will meet again will come soon. I’m waiting for it, I’m waiting for you. I worked hard on myself to become someone better for you, someone who will be able to protect you just like you deserve._

_I miss you so much…_

_Kouyou”_

Yuu read the letter over and over again, hands shaking and tears running down his cheeks. His mind was once again full of thoughts of self-hate. He could feel Kouyou's pain through each of his words and could imagine the number of time he had had to cry. Just because of him. Just because he had followed his father without saying a single word. Yuu could have prevented all of their tears and pain. If only he had spoken up that day. Yuu wouldn't have had to leave with him and suffer so much during these two years. He wouldn’t have made Kouyou cry, he wouldn't have hurt him. They would have stayed together and maybe leave that place together. Or maybe not. The damages had already been done, it was no use to keep bringing up the past. Yuu would only make it worse. 

* * *

Yuu had been practising playing the guitar for hours when Kouyou's phone rang, making him jump when the music started. He hesitated for a few seconds though when he saw ‘work’ was calling, but realised it was maybe Kouyou. 

“Hello?” He said hesitantly, not convinced he had made a good choice by answering the call. 

_“It’s me sweetheart,”_ Yuu couldn't hear a single noise on Kouyou's side. He probably had locked himself in a room to make the call. _“I told you I would call, remember?”_

“I do. I saw your paper too.” 

_“Oh, I hope it made you smile,”_ Kouyou said and Yuu indeed felt his lips stretched in a smile remembering his own reaction this morning when he found Kouyou's note. _“It was hard leaving you this morning, you were too cute. I want to go home already and keep you in my arms for hours,”_ Kouyou sighed not knowing what his words had just done to Yuu. 

“Be patient, you have work to do first.” 

_“Aaaw you’re so mean!”_

“I’m sorry… I didn’t want to hurt you again.” 

_“Sweetheart I don’t mean it,”_ Kouyou reassured him. _“I was just teasing you. I won’t say it again, I promise.”_

“Sorry…” 

_“Are you sure you’re alright? I can come back home if you’re not feeling well.”_

“No, you have work to do. I’m fine.” 

_“You don’t sound like it. Do you want to tell me?”_

“I’m fine, don’t worry about me,’ He couldn’t tell him how he really was feeling, not when Kouyou was miles away from him. He couldn’t tell him how guilty he was to have hurt him like that. Reading that letter had maybe been a mistake. 

_“I’ll be back home in a few hours and whatever is bothering you, I’ll make it go away.”_

“Okay…” 

_“Don’t worry about it now,”_ None of them talked for a while. The only sound they could hear was Yuu’s long sigh when he lied down on the couch, putting the guitar aside. A sigh that made Kouyou chuckle. _“Oh by the way, did you eat something this morning?”_

“I did.” 

_“You’re not telling me this only to please me, are you?”_

“No I really did! It was hard but I did it.” 

_“That’s great, really. I’m proud of you.”_

“You won’t have to see me like that again.” 

_“And even if I will, where is the problem?”_

“It makes me feel ashamed when you see me so weak… And I don’t want this.” 

_“Yuu,”_ Kouyou started and Yuu couldn't tell if the sigh he just heard was because he was annoyed or not. _“You don’t have to feel like that, not with me. I told you, I would never judge you. Trust me please.”_

“I’m trying!” Yuu didn’t mean to raise his voice. He didn’t want to yell at him. “I’m sorry, that’s not what I should have said.” 

_“It’s okay sweetheart, don’t worry. Don’t be scared to speak your mind, I won’t get mad. I know you’re trying, and I know it will take time. We’re taking baby steps, everything’s alright.”_

“You’ve always been so nice and patient with me.” 

_“Why wouldn’t I be?”_

“I don’t know.” 

_“I love you Yuu, I’ll be anything but mean to you,”_ Yuu wanted to hear him talk more, hear him tell him other sweet words, but when he heard someone call Kouyou's name he knew the call was about to end. _“I’m sorry, work’s calling again. I’ll be home soon, will you be alright?”_

“I think I can.” 

_“Call me if not, don’t hesitate.”_

“Do have I to do something before you come back?” 

_“Like what?”_

“I don’t know, cook dinner?” 

_“No don’t worry I’ll do that. Rest if you want, I’m not asking you to do it.”_

“Are you sure?” 

_“Yes don’t worry. I have to go now, Kyoko’s already losing patience.”_

“Don’t get in trouble because of me.” 

_“Never. I love you.”_

Yuu didn’t know if Kouyou was waiting for an answer telling him his feelings. Maybe he should have say it back, but the only thing Yuu did was hang up. 

* * *

He had thought he would go home quickly after the last photoshoot, but here he was, stuck in traffic for nearly half an hour losing slowly patience. Kouyou only wanted to go home and pamper Yuu with many kisses once again. Just like he had done the day before. He wanted to feel again his body pressed against his own, his hands grasping his hair whenever he would bite and suck on his neck, and hear his whimpers. It had been too tempting to go further and Yuu too cute, but Kouyou had stopped himself before he would cross Yuu’s boundaries. He wanted to spend the night kissing him and take all of his worries away. Yuu hadn’t sound well on the phone, and Kouyou knew he had only told him he was fine to not worry him. 

“Come on… move!!” Kouyou shouted even though the drivers before his car couldn't hear him. 

Actually, Kouyou was stuck in traffic every other day, but he didn’t really care before. He’d had no one to go back to, no one waiting for him, no one to brighten his mood when he was coming back home feeling down after a long day at work. It was different now and Kouyou couldn't wait to be with him again. It had been hard today to be away from him, and Kouyou had been unable to not worry. That feeling had only worsened once Yuu had hung up on him. 

Laying his head on the headrest, Kouyou swore when he saw it was already 07:15pm. He already should be home. Maybe if he had taken another road, maybe he wouldn't have been in this situation. He couldn't even let Yuu know where he was and Kouyou bet Yuu was worrying right now. He had told him this morning he would be back around five or six, Kouyou was so late and he would have to make it up to Yuu. Not that it was bothering him, not in the least. It would be another excuse to kiss him again and again. 

“Finally!” Kouyou couldn't believe his eyes when the cars started moving again after ten minutes or so. 

He was driving a little too fast, but who could blame him? The fastest he was home, the less Yuu would worry and he would be able to spend more time with him before he would have to go back to work the next day. 

Kouyou let out a sigh of relief after he parked his car and pushed the button to call the lift like a madman. This was so different from the man he was only a few months ago, and he loved it. Yuu was making him feel better, Yuu changed him or rather his feeling for that boy made him want to change and get better. Who would he have become if he hadn’t met him? Who thought the scared teenager who had been crying on his first day in the hospital would become someone important to him. Someone he would give his own life for. Kouyou had fallen in love with him with each passing days, and he couldn’t even think of losing him again without feeling like he was dying inside. He would do everything to make sure Yuu would stay and be safe with him. He would do everything to make his future days better. He would do everything to erase his fears and put trust and hope back in his broken heart. 

Opening the front door, he wondered if Yuu was napping or not and felt his lips stretched into a big smile when he heard footsteps coming from upstairs as he was removing his shoes and coat. Yuu didn’t move an inch while he was coming closer to him and let him hug him, wrapping his arms gladly around Kouyou's waist which made Kouyou hug him harder and sigh in the crook of his neck. How he had missed him. Not only today, but the whole two years had been a difficult ordeal. 

“I’m home,” He said caressing one of his cheeks and kept his free arm wrapped around his hips in a possessive manner. 

“Welcome back,” Yuu replied before kissing his palm. 

“I’m really sorry I’m late. Did I worry you?” 

“Actually I didn’t realize how late it was until I heard you open the door.” 

“You must have been doing something really interesting then.” 

“I was drawing. Look,” Taking his hand in his, Yuu brought them to the bed and sat down on the mattress, cross-legged. Kouyou sat in front of him, taking care of the many coloured pencil that were scattered on the bed. “I didn’t know precisely what to draw though.” 

“They’re really good,” A few pages of the sketchbook were already full of different drawings. Characters from various video games and comics, baby animals – Kouyou recognized Nezumi – and them cuddling on the couch. “Did you take drawing classes?” 

“No not really. I started drawing after… mom’s death and I just kept drawing every day.” 

Kouyou didn’t miss the forced smile Yuu gave him and congratulated himself in his mind to be such an idiot. Any questions about his past would have a link to his mother. Kouyou should keep in mind that for the moment, wanting to know something about him wasn’t a good idea. 

Without taking his eyes off Yuu, Kouyou sat closer to him and took him in his arms. He kissed his cheek and jaw, then put little butterfly kisses on his neck, brushing his hickeys with the tip of his tongue, feeling Yuu caress the back of his head. His hands found his back, under his pullover and after another kiss, just under his ear, Kouyou rested his head on his shoulder and sighed deeply as he closed his eyes. He smiled when Yuu wrapped his arms around his body and started playing with his ginger locks. 

“I feel good like that, with you,” Kouyou said after a while, holding a yawn back. 

“You’re going to fall asleep,” He didn’t know what took him, but Yuu lied down and dragged him with him. His arms and legs around his body, Yuu put his lips on his forehead and resumed caressing his hair with one hand while the other was moving up and down his back. 

“It was a tiring day, but it’s over now. I’m with you, the rest doesn’t matter.” 

Yuu said nothing and was grateful Kouyou had his eyes closed. He wouldn’t see his red cheeks like that. Yuu had dared to make him rest against his body, he had dared to keep him in his arms and he was now enjoying feeling his breathing against his skin and his hands still under his pullover seeking some warmth. Tightening his hold around his body, Yuu brushed the tip of his nose against his hair and tried to put his shyness aside. Little attentions like these were his way to tell Kouyou how sorry he was for all the wrong he’s done to him. Kouyou hadn’t deserved this and Yuu could only blame himself. 

Kouyou moved after a while and without warning, he sat on Yuu’s thighs and brought his hands above his head making Yuu’s fingers brush against the headboard. He leaned in and brushed his lips on his skin, barely touching Yuu’s lips and smiled against his jaw when he felt him squeeze his hands harder. The smile he gave him was genuine, but what he saw in Yuu’s eyes wasn’t mirroring Kouyou’s smile. Yuu was tensed. 

“I didn’t want to scare you, are you alright?” 

“Yeah… Get off me. Please.” 

Kouyou did right away and sat again in front of him. The atmosphere was somehow tensed now. Kouyou was convinced he had crossed the line and scared him, just like that night after Takanori’s suicide attempt. To scare Yuu was the last thing he wanted to do. What would he think of him now? That he had taken advantages of the situation and Yuu’s position? That Kouyou was just like his father? Kouyou wouldn't have gone that far even though he hadn’t seen fear in Yuu’s eyes. He wanted to kiss him, so badly, but he didn’t want to be selfish and impose his own desires to Yuu. It was just a simple kiss on the lips, but Kouyou knew that simple thing wasn’t easy for Yuu. Not when his trust in people had been shattered because of his father. Not after all the abuses he’d had to endured. They were taking baby steps and if that meant Kouyou was only allowed to kiss his cheeks and neck, then he would. Kouyou could wait. Kouyou could wait for Yuu to make the first move. 

“Look at me Kouyou,” Yuu’s voice brought him back to reality and he soon felt his hand take his own. “I’m fine. If it’s you I’m fine. I’m sorry I reacted like that, I know you meant no harm.” 

“Don’t be sorry,” Kouyou kissed his palm and then kept his fingers intertwined. “You know I would never hurt you and that’s the only important thing right now.” 

Other reassuring words were said, other kisses and smiles were shared on that bed, and it’s hand in hand that they went down to the kitchen to prepare dinner together. 

* * *

A red and subdued light was illuminating the living-room, trapping them in a soothing atmosphere despite the movie they were watching. _Underworld_. It wasn’t a peaceful movie but since Yuu had never seen it and since it had been the first DVD he had noticed on the pile Kouyou had put on the coffee table, they went for this one. It wasn’t really what Yuu had expected hearing Kouyou tell him it was about vampires and werewolves, but he still liked the movie so far. Moreover, he found the lead actress to be a really beautiful woman. 

Yuu, lying between Kouyou's legs, was focused on the movie, focused on the train arriving and the vampires ready to leave. He jumped when a werewolf broke the window thus starting a bloodshed only witnessed by one person. He felt Kouyou's arms tighten automatically around his body in a reassuring manner before he heard him chuckle and whisper how cute he was. Yuu’s only reaction was to groan a ‘Am not’, half-hiding his face in Kouyou's chest and let him play with his hair. 

Yuu had started to love when Kouyou was playing with them. He had started to love feeling his hands on his body making chills run down his spine each time he was touching him, or even flinch when he grazed his side with his fingertips. Yuu was ticklish there and he was trying hard not to let Kouyou know. Kouyou's first reaction, if he’d found out, would be to tickle him even more. Just like everybody would do. So for now, Yuu was biting his cheeks and hoped the movie would distract him enough to not think about Kouyou's fingers drawing nonsensical patterns on his skin. 

And it did, for a long time until he couldn't feel Kouyou's hand moving anymore. Instead, his chest was heaving slowly and he could feel him gently start from time to time. Carefully after he paused the movie, Yuu sat between his legs keeping a hand on Kouyou's stomach as to make sure he was still breathing. It was the first time Yuu was seeing Kouyou asleep and what a sight it was for him. Kouyou was a beautiful man and seeing him like that, peaceful and vulnerable, Yuu couldn't help himself but put a kiss near his mouth then on his forehead. 

What happened earlier in their bedroom came back to his mind and guilt choked him once again. It would be so easy right now, to grant Kouyou's desire and kiss him. He was sleeping, he wouldn't do a single thing. Moreover, it wouldn't be their first kiss so why was he so scared? It was Kouyou who had brought his hands above his head. It was Kouyou who had been sitting on his lap trapping him under his body. Not his father. It hadn’t been his father's lips he had felt brushing his own. It hadn’t been his father's lips he had wanted to kiss. His body had betrayed him. Once again. 

“Kouyou? Wake up,” Yuu said caressing his cheek. “Kou? Babe?” 

Kouyou stirred, grumbling a little and got surprised to see Yuu so close to him, his cheeks red again. Rubbing his eyes, he sat too or rather he snuggled in Yuu’s arms hiding his face in the crook of his neck. 

“You said something?” Kouyou asked sleepily, his hands finding a shelter under Yuu’s pullover once more. 

“Yes, wake up sleepyhead,” He said holding him closer. If that was possible. “Go to bed, it’s more comfortable than the couch.” 

Kouyou said nothing and Yuu wondered if he had fallen asleep again. He got his answer when he felt his teeth teasing his neck. He let him do when he put dozen of kisses on his skin. He let him do when his hands moved lower and lower. And when Kouyou nuzzled his nose in his neck, sighing with pleasure and ready to fall back asleep, he let him do with a fond smile on his lips. 

“You’re gonna have back pain like that you know? Go to bed, you’re tired.” 

“Are you coming with me?” 

“I’d like to watch the end of the movie. If it’s okay with you.” 

Kouyou nodded and added after a yawn he had had troubles holding back. “I love you so much. I’m glad you’re back.” 

They spent a few more moments cuddling on that couch – Kouyou tickling Yuu without even noticing his laugh, too tired and too comfortable in his arms – before Kouyou finally got up and after a kiss on Yuu’s forehead went upstairs leaving Yuu one-on-one with the movie. 

* * *

It was nearing 04am when Kouyou opened his eyes. The room was in complete darkness and that made him wonder if he was still sleeping. Blue and white should be illuminating and creating shadows on the walls, blue and white should be embracing them in a reassuring hug. Not pitch-black. Maybe the fairy lights had stopped working in the night? Maybe Yuu hadn’t put them on? Or maybe Yuu never went to bed. 

The place beside him was cold and empty and for a moment, just a few seconds, his sleepy mind had managed to convince him that these two days spent with Yuu had only been an awful dream. Akira had never found Yuu and called him to let him know. Kouyou had never brought him back home. Kouyou had never erased his tears and whispered soothing words as he was crying. He knew these were lies because he could smell Yuu’s fragrance on the pillow beside him and this, Kouyou couldn’t be imagining it. 

“Yuu?” Kouyou called him turning the lamp on the bedside table. Yuu wasn’t there, sitting on the edge of the bed nor in a corner of the room. 

Kouyou got up and swore when he felt a draught lick his naked legs. Sleeping in shorts in winter wasn’t maybe a good idea even though they were sleeping with two blankets and holding Yuu in his arms under them was keeping him warm. But even though Kouyou was cold right now, that wouldn't prevent him from wearing shorts for the night. 

Kouyou couldn't hear the TV nor see the subdued light in the living-room. Everything had been turned off, only allowing the light of the moon to shine its silvery glow. He had thought he would find Yuu asleep on the couch, curled up in a ball and his hair hiding his face, but no one was lying on the couch. Kouyou swept the room expecting to see him hidden next to the couch or sitting at the table, but he distinguished his silhouette behind the curtains with his arms around his legs watching the moon and stars. 

“There you are,” Kouyou said softly, moving the curtains aside then sat on his knees in front of Yuu. “You can’t sleep?” Yuu shook his head. “Is it because of the movie?” 

“What? No! No I just… I just have too many things on my mind.” 

“Wanna tell me?” 

“I read your letter,” Yuu was keeping his gaze focused on the moon. He loved how simply watching it glow was making him feel calm. It was making him remember how he used to doing it with his mother, before he had to go to sleep. It was calming him down and Yuu needed it. “I’m really sorry for all the pain you felt when I left. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done wrong.” 

“Yuu,” Kouyou said making him look at him in the eyes, and came closer to him. Close enough to feel his breath on his skin. “It’s not your fault, you know that. You’ve done nothing wrong, believe me.” 

“I should have said something, but I only made you cry. I should have said something, not followed him.” 

“What is done is done sweetheart,” Kouyou said caressing his cheek and grinned when he felt one of his hands resting on his thigh. “No one could know what was going to happen. You’re with me again now and nothing else matters.” 

“What happened to you after I left?” Yuu asked after a short while, his hand now drawing cute patterns on Kouyou's thigh. 

“Do you want to know everything?” Yuu nodded. “Well, I was a wreck. And a real asshole. I asked the nursing staff if they could give me a room for myself, I wanted to be alone. It was pointless to stay with them if you weren’t with us anymore, I didn’t want to see them ever again. Luckily they didn’t listen to my stupid self and stayed with me when I needed it the most.” 

Kouyou told him everything. How he left that place, the few days spent with his sister, his admission in that other psychiatric hospital and the nice moments he had shared with his roommates, the day he moved in, how empty he had felt whenever he was coming home, the tears he had shed at night thinking about him, and many more. Kouyou hadn’t miss Yuu’s eyes full of tears and his trembling lips as he was telling him once again how sorry he was for staying mute that day. 

Trapped in their little bubble, Kouyou reassured him during long minutes speaking words of love, noticing how Yuu was doing everything possible to keep his tears, a sight which caused Kouyou's heart to skip a beat. Under the moonlight, Yuu was the most beautiful creature Kouyou had ever seen. There were no bruises and no tears right now, just a beautiful young man who didn’t know what to do with the way Kouyou was looking and smiling at him, a beautiful young man Kouyou would love and protect till the very end. 

Kouyou whispered dozen of ‘I love you’s feeling his heart burst with so much love after each words that he couldn't resist anymore. He gently tucked a strand of raven hair behind his ear and closing his eyes, Kouyou kissed the corner of his mouth. 

Hidden by the curtains and with only the moon and stars as witnesses, Kouyou felt Yuu’s lips move against his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone kick me because I already have the plot for the next chapter and half of it for chapter 21!  
> This chapter is shorter than the previous one and it frustrates me xD
> 
> Anyway, thanks a lot for reading it!


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